I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

About a month ago, DH and I came to a decision that we would probably be moving to North Carolina in the near future. This is based on many reasons...see link (leaving LI )
We are really into this. We are going to NC next month as a mini vacation, and also to find our future home. We were getting so excited...then I spoke with my mother. In a nutshell, she said she doesn't think her and my dad will make the move. They just moved to LI 2 years ago (5 blocks from me) and they think they will lose too much if they sold (they put ALOT of $$ into the house).

I understand that people can't just pick up and do what you want, but they were all gung-ho about this a few weeks ago. SHe said they thought about it and they don't think it can happen. At least, not in the near future.

So now...what do we do. My children are their ONLY grandchildren and my kids ask for them EVERY day. My parents go into withdrawal if they don't see the kids for a day. I can't take my kids from their (practically) ONLY grandparents, but I also feel I have to do what's right for my family.

I am so sad right now. I am so torn. My DH says he'll do whatever I want...but I don't know what that is.

Advice?

Message edited 9/14/2006 3:24:59 PM.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

I don't have any advice since it's such a deeply personal decision, but I want to offer many . If it were me, I'd need a REALLY compelling reason to move my kids away from their only grandparents, KWIM? But obviosuly that's not the only factor involved

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

oh boy, that's tough...

If you made the decision to move there based on the condition that your parents would move there too, then maybe you can wait a while and ask them to revisit the situation in a year or 2.

But then again, you have to live your life for you, and not just so your parents can see their grandkids.

Think about what is ultimately best for you financially, emotionally and physically. Will you be spending more $$ in the longrun by coming back here all the time?

Sorry if I wasn't a big help....

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

i think you should do what's best for your family. who knows, maybe after 2 years, and the reality that you're moving down there sets in, your parents will follow suit. your dad retires in 2 years, so they won't have anything really keeping them here. i say, still take your vacation, and TRY to stay on track with the planned move/time frame, etc. maybe they'll have a change of heart. hope it all works out for you!!

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

You have to do what is right for YOUR family and not theirs.....I was in a similiar situation not too long ago and my DH and I decided to do it for ourselves (our deal fell thru but we may still move in the future) ..

You have to go with your gut and what will make YOU happy...your parents can always visit And once they see you down there, they may change their minds!

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

IMO...you need to do whats best for your family's future...meaning your DH and kids. What is best for your children and where you want them to grow up? There are a lot of grandparents that live away from grandchildren...they can come visit frequenntly.

I bet you within a few months of you moving to NC your parents will decide it is worth it to move as well

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Personally I wouldn't move at least not right now. I don't think you can put a price tag on having your parents near you and there for you 24/7 and the bond that your parents and children have. I think that's a wonderful thing to have and wouldn't sacrifice that to live more comfortably financially. You seem very close to your parents and think while you might be in a better place financially after the move emotionally you will not me because you will miss them so much.

ETA. If there were a very good chance in the next few years of your parents moving as well then that would be a different story. Are they willing to move at a later date or they don't want to move at all?

Message edited 9/14/2006 3:28:50 PM.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Ultimately I think that you need to decide what is best for your children and then go from there. There are so many factors to consider, including proximity to friends and family, in addition to the quality of life that you & your children will lead.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Posted by MrsERod

i think you should do what's best for your family. who knows, maybe after 2 years, and the reality that you're moving down there sets in, your parents will follow suit. your dad retires in 2 years, so they won't have anything really keeping them here. i say, still take your vacation, and TRY to stay on track with the planned move/time frame, etc. maybe they'll have a change of heart. hope it all works out for you!!

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Do what's best for your immediate family (meaning Dh and kids) not your parents.

NC is a driveable, train and easily flyable distance they will still see your kids.

We live far away from my parents and Dh's and my son still sees them ALOT, it can be done.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

I agree with MrsErod. You should take your vacation and still look in NC and get all of the info before making your decision.

If you move to NC, what are the chances your parents may eventually move?

How often will they visit, how often will you visit them?
How much will this cost? How much does this cost offset the savings you anticipated by moving to NC?

What about holidays?

What happens when () your parents can no longer make long trips?

What happens when the little oens start school>

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

I understand how you feel, but you have to think of what's best for your family right now.

Your parents will be there, is not that far.

good luck !!

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

First off...thank you all for your GREAT advice!!! I truly do appreciate it!!!

Second...my parents don't travel. I know that sounds ridiculous, and it is, but it's true. My mom gets nauseas on long trips (like over an hour). My father just goes along with anything she says. We originally were planning on having ALL of us go down to NC in the spring. My parents were going to take Amtrak (so she could be in close proximity to a toilet if need be). Now she's second guessing that too.

So as far as having them visit us, that would probably NEVER happen. We would have to be the ones doing the visiting. DH and I won't fly (since Sept.11th...see my past 9/11 post), so that would mean driving in all the time. We don't mind driving at all, but with the kids, and school...

My mother said after my dad retires in 2 years, they will revisit the idea...but I don't know. I feel they won't move.

But then, how do I give up our dreams? Having my husband work close to home and seeing our children grow up, living in a beautiful home in a wonderful community with excellent schools, being able to save money for children's and our financial futures???

God...this is so hard. The most difficult decision I have EVER needed to make.

We are still going to go to NC in a few weeks to check it out. Like SweetestofPeas said in an FM...maybe we'll hate it and that will be that! If we LOVE it, well then, I guess we're going to have a HUGE decision to make.

This is so hard and it's really eating me up inside. I want my kids to have their Grandma and Papa in their daily life...but I also want what's best for my kids and DH and our family.

This sux!

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Posted by SweetestOfPeas

Posted by MrsERod

i think you should do what's best for your family. who knows, maybe after 2 years, and the reality that you're moving down there sets in, your parents will follow suit. your dad retires in 2 years, so they won't have anything really keeping them here. i say, still take your vacation, and TRY to stay on track with the planned move/time frame, etc. maybe they'll have a change of heart. hope it all works out for you!!

I agree with this 100%

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

I think you need to follow your dreams and do what's best for your family. Who knows what your parents will want to do in 2 years or 10 years or ever. I couldn't pin my hopes & dreams on a maybe like that.

FWIW, my maternal grandparents lived in Florida when we were kids. They didn't travel either. We went to visit them every summer and had a blast!!

My mother didn't work in the summers when we were very young and would take us down there all summer, with my father coming down for his regular 2 or 3 week vacation.

When we got older and my mother worked full time, they either staggered their vacations so we would be there longer or left us on our own since we didn't need to be really taken care of.

I ALWAYS felt close to them and have cherished memories from all the time we spent with them - even though it was lumped into two months of the year.

Good luck with your decision

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Val I will talk to you more about this later, I shouldnt be here now.

BUt do whats right for you. Your parents will follow- you'll see. Their withdrawal will make the decision for you.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this Valerie! It was too good to be true, I guess. And now the reality of it is settling in for your parents. It sounds like fear to me, plain and simple. Your dad might be the one with the resistance. If I remember correctly he was the one that never wanted to leave Queens, and your mom finally convinced him to move to LI. Well, if moving within the same state (to a nearby town) was hard, imagine going hundreds of miles away? He's scared. Men don't like change.

Listen to Chris. Take your planned vacation. Visit and get as much information as possible. Bring back lots of pictures, video, brochures for housing. Share that information with your parents. Go over the "plan" again and express your desire to live a better, slower, more qualitative life with them. Explain that the market is correcting itself and it will be a lot better in 2 years when dad is ready to retire. Give them time but don't stop planning your future. Your kids deserve time with their dad too.

Things like this have a way of working out. Once they see what they can have (and how they'll be close to the babies) they'll follow. NC is an ideal place to retire. Try to think "big picture" and not stress. Your parents are micro thinking right now, understand them but ignore them.

Good luck!

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Posted by sasha

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this Valerie! It was too good to be true, I guess. And now the reality of it is settling in for your parents. It sounds like fear to me, plain and simple. Your dad might be the one with the resistance. If I remember correctly he was the one that never wanted to leave Queens, and your mom finally convinced him to move to LI. Well, if moving within the same state (to a nearby town) was hard, imagine going hundreds of miles away? He's scared. Men don't like change.

Listen to Chris. Take your planned vacation. Visit and get as much information as possible. Bring back lots of pictures, video, brochures for housing. Share that information with your parents. Go over the "plan" again and express your desire to live a better, slower, more qualitative life with them. Explain that the market is correcting itself and it will be a lot better in 2 years when dad is ready to retire. Give them time but don't stop planning your future. Your kids deserve time with their dad too.

Things like this have a way of working out. Once they see what they can have (and how they'll be close to the babies) they'll follow. NC is an ideal place to retire. Try to think "big picture" and not stress. Your parents are micro thinking right now, understand them but ignore them.

Good luck!

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

I think you have to do what's best for you. Maybe to help make that decision write down the pros and cons. I know that sounds silly, but perhaps it will take some of the emotional bias out of the decision when you see it on paper, make a little more analytical. In any case, lots of hugs. I'm sorry you have to be torn up about this. You have your DH to help, I would lean on him and make the best decision you can together.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

I think the best thing to do is go and check out NC. See if you can see yourself and your family there. This is probably one of the hardest decisions you are ever going to make so you are right to be so nervous and weary about it.

As someone who is extremely close to her family (I want my mom to move soon so that she can live closer than 15 minutes away before I have kids) I know what a hard decision you have ahead of you.

See what happens. You may love NC - or you may hate it. In the end - if you love it and feel that it will benefit your overral lifestyle and your families quality of life then you will do what you have to.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

Posted by sasha

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this Valerie! It was too good to be true, I guess. And now the reality of it is settling in for your parents. It sounds like fear to me, plain and simple. Your dad might be the one with the resistance. If I remember correctly he was the one that never wanted to leave Queens, and your mom finally convinced him to move to LI. Well, if moving within the same state (to a nearby town) was hard, imagine going hundreds of miles away? He's scared. Men don't like change.

Listen to Chris. Take your planned vacation. Visit and get as much information as possible. Bring back lots of pictures, video, brochures for housing. Share that information with your parents. Go over the "plan" again and express your desire to live a better, slower, more qualitative life with them. Explain that the market is correcting itself and it will be a lot better in 2 years when dad is ready to retire. Give them time but don't stop planning your future. Your kids deserve time with their dad too.

Things like this have a way of working out. Once they see what they can have (and how they'll be close to the babies) they'll follow. NC is an ideal place to retire. Try to think "big picture" and not stress. Your parents are micro thinking right now, understand them but ignore them.

Good luck!

Message edited 9/14/2006 5:28:20 PM.

Re: I am so upset right now!!! Need advice.

This is tough..but honestly you have to do what is best for you and your family...I just moved to NC and am away from my family..and I am experiencing some seperation anxietey (which i NEVER expected b/c i couldn't wait to get out of my parents house)
My Dad is all for moving down here, but my mom is not ready...however this past month has really been hard on her, i think she realizes how much being this far away stinks..I'm hoping that they will move down by 2008 the latest...we'll see....I would still plan your trip to NC...look at the houses...remember everything happens for a reason...if its meant to be, then everything will fall into place.

Message edited 9/14/2006 6:13:39 PM.