I cant stand it anymore!!!! Does anyone have any advice??

Sorry, this may be a bit long and not even sensible since i'm so angry right now.

BM doesn't work. Now, when you pay child support, the court's take a number and that's how much it costs to raise them. So, let's say the court says it costs $400 a week to raise them: DH is responsible for 60% and their mom for 40%. We send $280 a week, every week. Their mom is responsible for the other $120 let's say....but she doesn't work! Out of that money that he sends along with the money that she's supposed to be putting in, she's supposed to pay for their housing, food, clothes, etc. Meanwhile, she's ALWAYS crying that she's broke....uhh hhelloooooo she's got 5 kids living in that house (only 2 of them DH's), she doesn't WORK and her husband is a union contractor so he's always laid off. $280 a week times 4.5 (a month) is $1,260 that she gets EVERY MONTH from us and that goes a LONG WAY down in South Jersey but when you've got that many people living in a house and nobody's working....We are supporting her whole damn family!!!!

Now me and DH do what we can to give SS and SD nice things all the time and usually every year we buy them school clothes but this year we just can't do it, we're kinda broke right now with DH's job not sending his checks on time. PLUS I have a lawyer bill and this weekend is SS's bday, we got him a $200 paintball gun and a $300 Ipod Touch. ALSO, someone stole $500 from my account and bought jewelry,......so needless to say, we're hurtin right now. So last night SD calls up freaking out bc we're not taking her school clothes shopping and she has no school clothes. She's yelling how she was looking forward to us buying her clothes and her mom can only afford to buy her 3 tops and "I NEED SCHOOL CLOTHES". So DH said, "I'm sorry hunny but I do that when I can and I can't do it right now, I send child support and your mom should have saved that money and bought you clothes, that's what the money is for!" ((Just wanted to add that we never bring up money around SD but her mom showed her the child support online and tricked her into believing that we are 2 weeks behind but that's not correct. Child Support gets our checks and are cleared on OUR END however they show OWED until the next billing cycle....it makes no sense at all but that's how they do it)))) So she's like that's not fair blah blah blah so DH goes, "well maybe your mom should have thought of this before she put a pool in this summer or before she booked a trip to Disney Land for all 7 of you next week!" That's right, she lives in a huge house in south jersey, her husband has 2 boats parked in their yard, they just got a pool and they're all going to disneyland and staying in Disney next week, all 5 kids and the 2 adults......................

Myself and DH live in a one bedroom apartment (bedroom converted from the old garage but technically it's a studio apartment). I am wearing old pants to work that have a hole in them and worn boots that one of the little rubber things on the heel fell off only b/c im trying to save money and make ends meet while DH's paychecks aren't coming in. We are really struggling and their BM wants to live this lavish lifestyle but meanwhile my husband is supporting her whole family. The system is so unfair! Now SD is all angry b/c she wants all these awesome Hollister clothes and UGG boots and started a huge fight with him last night and got all upset and defensive when he said her mom needs to get a J-O-B! I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to cry sometimes. I'm sorry if it's mean but that little girl is turning into a class A BRAT! It's always I want this and I want that and we need this and mommy has no money but her MOMMY has a new baby, her SD, her son and she needs to work. We never EVER bring this up to SD but her demands now seem like the only reason she ever calls.

Anyway, I know if DH didn't send his Child Support, there would be a warrant on his butt so fast. How about the other way around???? She's not contributing anything for these children and they're not getting what is owed to them from the Child Support. Has anyone been through this? Can we force her to work? I don't really know what the laws are but this is RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Message edited 9/5/2008 11:36:36 AM.

Re: I cant stand it anymore!!!! Does anyone have any advice??

As both a step mom and bio mom hopefully I might be able to help you some.

No...you cant force her to get a job. Taking her back to court might actually cause the child support he pays go up. B/C she isnt working his prorata share could be increased. (although it's unlikely)

His child support is to keep a roof over their heads, food on their table, lights to read by, hot water to bathe in, etc...on top of clothes on their backs. As long as they have all of those things the court isnt going to question how she spends the money. And the court isnt going to care if those clothes came from a second hand shop or from Abercrombie & Fitch.

Whatever you do DO NOT bad mouth mom. It sounds like to me that they are already getting an earful over there...Regardless of what you do Daddy will always have more money whether or not that is the truth or not. That is the story she is telling them and that is what they are going to believe. Your damned if you do and your damned if you dont. If you cant buy them anything then you are mean...if you buy them a lot than you should buy them everything...

Since Mommy showed her Child Support Online maybe DH should log in and show her his side of things. We havent had to go againest Mom too much over here but we have had some instances where we have set the record straight. Not to pit them againest their mother but just to show them that there are 2 sides to the story and that they need to hear both sides before they past judgement...it's usually worked out in our favor. You can usually do so without bashing mom too.

I wish I had more advice for you..but there is really nothing more that you can do. She is entitled to CS...and he is entitled to pay it. It stinks but that's the way it is....Maybe explain to them that if he and mommy were together they still wouldnt have the money to buy school clothes or something might help?

Re: I cant stand it anymore!!!! Does anyone have any advice??

I am so sorry that you are going through this, It sounds exactly what I go through.

I just wanted to send you some huigs.

Re: I cant stand it anymore!!!! Does anyone have any advice??

Thank you ladies for your support. I really do appreciate it as this is so frustrating

I just wanted to comment on one thing a post above said, explaining to her that if they were still together there would still not be enough money. She has been a lazy cow since he's known her. Without going into details, let me just say that she has a string of jobs where she works for a week and then needs 3 days off here, 3 days off there...it's not that she CANT work, it's that she WONT work. If they were still together, he'd have to kick her in her @SS to get a job, so there WOULD be enough money. I don't believe in bashing their mother...I NEVER do it and I make sure to reprimand DH when he slips and says something. However, like you said, we do have to set the record straight.

That's a great idea about pulling up the child support to show her. I will definitely do that this weekend, thanks!

I can use all the advice I can get!

Re: I cant stand it anymore!!!! Does anyone have any advice??

It is a sucky situation for you guys and believe me, I know how you feel and where you are coming from 1000%!! I want to give big Kudos to your DH for standing up for himself and knowing when to say "no". (this is something mine has never done, unfortunately). SD will have to learn to deal. IF you can find some cheap clothes on sale in the mean time and can afford to pick up 1-2 things for her, good - if not, that is fine too, Christmas is coming. She does not need brand name things.
You cannot force BM to work. Sometimes the law really screws the men.

Re: I cant stand it anymore!!!! Does anyone have any advice??

my heart goes out to you I know how you feel, We are in the same boat , actually we pay the same too $275 a week, quite alot of money at the end of the month isnt it especially when you have a ex who basically does NOT contirbute to anything when it comes to the kids.

my dh ex lives in a 3 bedroom house that her mom owns . she doesnt pay rent ever to her mom , the mom takes care of all the bills all she has to do is basically worry about getting the kids fed, clothed & off to school, but thats a impossiblilyt when she is too busy @ bebe buying clothes 24/7 for herself.
she always cries poverty & yet she has the world handed to her , never worked a day in her life, even when dh & her were together. she actually got a job as a ironworker , amazingly , & worked for like 3 moths & then took the summer off to get a tummy tuck . yet has no $ ..

it baffles me , Im not bashing bio moms , but some of them really play the system & the fathers if they are in the court system its stinks to be caught up in that ya know , espcailly dads who enjoy being dads , like dh. we see the kids EVERY weekend, no matter what, my dh is not a every other weekend dad, plus we take em 2 nites during the week, its frustrating @ times, belive u me .

2u

Re: I cant stand it anymore!!!! Does anyone have any advice??

That sux! I definitely agree with a PP of showing her online that DH paid the CS.

I love how these kids think they are entitled to things and have no idea how much they cost or the value of the dollar ( I just sounded like my mother LOL) but seriously...If you can, take her to Target or Old Navy and get her an outfit (they have cute, stylish things that aren't expensive) or give her a set amount of money, like $30 and let her buy what she wants at the mall. Then, if she's old enough, I would tell her that if she wants things from Hollister, A&F, Limited Too, etc. then she can either get a job or earn allowance.

I feel for you, I do. It's really not fair at all. Hang in there!