I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

but can someone please tell me that I didn't ruin Ava's life by having another baby I just feel so incredibly sad that we've brought this upon her and that her world is changing even though she never asked for it to. I mean, god bless her, she's adjusting really well, but I guess it's my own guilt that's getting to me. I always had such a special relationship with her and it's always been just me and her at night when my husband works. Now she has to share me and I can't focus on her the way I used to and I'm so upset. I keep crying when I think about it. Our favorite thing to do at night when my husband would work was to lay on the couch and snuggle and tell jokes and watch tv and just be silly and now I can't even do that with her. I mean, I know that it's only been a week and that Chase is kind of in survival mode right now, so there's no schedule and his needs have to be met first, but I just feel like I'm never going to be able to give Ava the attention I want to anymore. And it's killing me. and the thought of having to set aside time to spend with her breaks my heart to. And don't get me wrong, I'm THRILLED to have Chase and for Ava to have a sibling, and she honestly seems perfectly fine with everything, and I know I will figure it out, but I guess I feel like I'm afraid of losing everything that Ava and I do together and share together. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. I don't know if it's made much sense, but I just needed to get that out.

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

I fear the same thing. Landon's life is going to be completely destroyed once the twins are born. I kept telling myself it is only temporary though. Once that newborn stage is over...

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

I get how you're feeling. My DH thinks I am nuts but I worry about the same thing when we have DC #2 at some point. I worry that my DD won't get enough attention or that she will feel neglected. I even worry I won't love the new baby as much because he/she will be taking time away from Emerson. I know in reality I will love another child just as much and that Emerson will adjust and having a sibling is great but I think it's normal to have all these emotions and doubts. You will adjust and everything will be great. Hang in there and congrats on baby Chase!!

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

It's not only an adjustment for your DD, but for you also - all of a sudden, 2 kids! And with that, comes your feelings about your own DD and the 1 on 1 relationship you had. I'd imagine I'd feel the same way (only have one now)

go through the emotions, and try to rest up. Take comfort knowing you're not the first to feel this way and that you're an amazing mommy and everything will bode together just fine.

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

and if it makes you feel any better, my mom had my brother when I was 4. I barely remember anything - good or bad - feelings of love or neglect (even though I surely was not neglected)

perhaps she can be "mommy's helper" and give her a special role?

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

I feel the same way- DS is 2 and his baby brother is 6 weeks...

We went out alone a few times last week while his Grandma watched the baby. You can tell he was thrilled because it was just like old times- we were two little buddies spending the days together...

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

this is breaking my heart....i have such worries about this ALREADY and we're nowhere near being ready for a second child.

ride out the feelings - get it out in one or two GOOD cries....let the emotions take over and GET THEM OUT. that will help a LOT. let yourself have a break down.

then sit down & realize that you will ALWAYS have that special relationship with Ava. You are an amazing mom & friend to her. She knows that and that's why she's adjusting well.... are things going to be the same right now? no....will they be very soon? maybe not....but will they get there? YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

Thanks, girls. It's funny because when I had Ava, it took me months to really feel bonded with her. I felt like she was a complete stranger to me in the beginning. Maybe it's that I understand the feelings of love as a mom more now, but I am completely and utterly in love with Chase. I feel really connected to him and in tune with him as a little person, and I think I wasn't expecting that. So, it kind of just hit me all at once. I have to say, Ava is amazing with him. She is totally my little helper. She has a little step stool next to the pack n play because she likes to check on him while he naps, she gets the diapers and wipes ready when I change him, puts his binky in when he fusses, runs little errands around the house for me, etc. She clearly is feeling really great about her new role as a big sister. And I feel like we did such a great job preparing her for Chase, but I obviously didn't do such a great job for myself. I guess I need to just take it one day at a time, and I'm guessing that once my husband goes back to work, I'll feel a little better about me and Ava. Everyone has been doting on her, taking her out places, doing things with her, etc., that maybe I'm just feeling her absence more than anything this week. We've never really been apart, and this week we've barely spent time together. Anyway, thanks for the responses. I guess it just takes time...

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

First I want to offer you hugs because I know how you feel

My DH also works nights and I know dinner time and bedtime were really messed up for Victoria when Julianne was born. Our special time together was interrupted by someone she didn't ask for and thankfully she was so good with Julianne when she was a baby. Add to the fact that Julianne had bad reflux and HAD to be held all of the time did not help. There were nights I had to defrost dinner, cut it with one hand and toss Victoria's food at her. Dinnertime was when the reflux was at it's worst. How Victoria did not go on a food strike I'll never know. We did really try our best to still give Victoria as much of our time as we could. My Mom would come watch Julianne and we did special "dates" with Victoria on DH's days off. When I got the chance to get Julianne to sleep, Victoria and I snuggled then - not at our regular time but she still go the one on one attention from me and she thankfully adjusted very well to all of the changes in routine.

I cried many, many tears thinking this isn't what I struggled so hard to get in my life with one child screaming in pain in my arms and the other one crying because she wanted me to play with her. I felt like I was failing my children and there was just no way to fix it. Bedtime was hard as well as Victoria was adjusting to being in a big girl bed and wanted me to stroke her back to fall asleep. This of course was at Julianne's feeding time so I sat on the floor, holding baby and bottle in one hand while stroking Victoria's back with the other. This went on for a few weeks.

Thankfully it didn't last long and everyone has adjusted beautifully. I know it won't last long and I hope you retain your sanity through this time

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

I had DD #2 when my other girl was 2 and a half. Her word was turned upside down. And it went on for about a month. Now, however, things are a lot better. In the morning when it's just me, I take care of the older one first. Breakfast, juice, whathaveyou. then feed the baby.

It sounds awful, but she is only waiting for a few minutes and once I am feeding her, that is all I am focused on.

It sucks and its harder then hard some days, but some days, man, things just fall into place.

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

I am also worried about this myself...they will be 19 months apart, and while Ava is old enough to "get it", I'm scared that Ethan won't be, and it breaks my heart. Not that we aren't thrilled to be having DD, but I'm also scared.

One thing that I do realize, and maybe this will help you - Ava's world might be changing, but she has one thing that Chase will never have, and that's knowing what it feels like to have Mommy all to herself...Chase will not know that.

But then this makes me sad for DD lol...it's a no win situation, but I have faith that it will all work out in the end.

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

You didn't ruin Ava's life.

This is just a temporary disruption.

Like one of those emergency broadcast signals on TV.

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

It sounds like she is FINE!! If YOU think she is OK....then probably she is!!

Learning to share is part of growing up.....and she will learn to share her Mommy & she will have 2 BFF's now....her Mommy & her lil' brother!

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

I think you have made her life better!!! its just going to be a rough adjustment, and yes, you are also hormonal.

Noah asked me why we had a baby, and I told him it was because we didn't want him to be on his own when he was older, and the other day I caught him singing to Immi and he was singing..."I did wish for a baby and you came, I did wish for a baby so I wouldn't be on my own" and that made me cry.

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

the first couple weeks and even months are a total adjustment period for everyone. I know that I couldn't figure out how to divide my time sometimes - and i didn't feel like I had things under control - especially when they both started crying for my attention at the same time.

It did get better though and I started to realize that my time could be spent with both of them at the same time and it didn't matter what we were doing. DD would help with diaper changes, we would sing songs together, she would help bathing the baby, dressing the baby, we would color, puzzles when the baby was sleeping. We started to become a team and it felt so good and enpowering once I got control of my own feelings and dealing with the two children.

Many hugs to you

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

TOTALLY NORMAL! i felt the same way, especially since josh was so young when i brought zach home. it took some adjusting and help from family (zach was a DIIFICULT baby) but we managed to put together a new routine. josh and i are even closer, which is crazy to me bc we've always been beyond close with an amazing sweet relationship. we cuddle with zach now but when zach is sleeping we have our special alone time to cuddle, read and just talk.
my dh also works nights and weekends but when he is home we each make special time with each of our boys and then spend family time too. it's just going to take time but you will make it work and ava will have a sibling and best friend for life and they will be an amazing team soon enough!

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

with josh, I moved to NC. no family, dh who works 60 hours a week and goes to school on days off.
josh and jan...team for 3 years.

then, jessie.
i thank God everyday that josh has a true love for jessie. but at the same time, I notice little things help.
When we eat dinner, I say to josh, put my plate next to your's, I want to sit by you tonight. dh will do the same when he is home.

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

You gave her a lifetime buddy It's hard at first. It's an adjustment for everyone BUT let me tell your firsthand......they will love each other sooooo much!! I watch my two play and giggle together now and it just warms my heart

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

you got great advice here so i don't need to add much! i can honestly say 1000000000% you did the best thing having that little boy and "disrupting" Ava's life! think of it as a good disruption (which i know you do) but life IS change and yes, things will change but for the better. the first few months will be adjustment, etc. and i swear in a few months you won't even recall feeling this way. it's funny b/c i felt the same way too for DD who was perectly fine. i mourned losing our "old life" together - she didn't! now that my DS is mobile and has a personality its phenomenal to see them together!

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

Posted by racheeeee



Noah asked me why we had a baby, and I told him it was because we didn't want him to be on his own when he was older, and the other day I caught him singing to Immi and he was singing..."I did wish for a baby and you came, I did wish for a baby so I wouldn't be on my own" and that made me cry.

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

Try not to feel guilty. Things change - it's life, part of growing up... She will thank you one day. And now, it may be confusing to her, and to you, but it won't be long until you don't remember when it wasn't aways 2 children. He will soon be a part of your routines, and she's old enough to really play a special role in caring for her brother.
You'll melt when he starts smiling at her.
She will be fine, promise!! And so will you!!

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

A few years from now you will hear them playing together and you will hear them laugh and it will be a laugh only reserved for each other and your heart will sing and you will be so very happy that they will always no matter what have each other. I promise you

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

I was a wreck when the twins were born, because me and DS were together ALL the time. DH works crazy hours, so it was always "us". He handled the transition waaaay better than I did. I felt terrible. I made a real effort to do things just me and him, even if it was just read a book or bring him with me to Target. Kind of like out old life.
At 7 months, things are way better for me, and he is still doing great. He adores the babies and they love him right back.

Re: I know it's probably just my hormones and me being emotional...

I have said this before on here and I will say for you. I was fine after having DD. The second we pulled in the driveway and I saw my DS run out the front door yelling "mama" I broke down while hugging DS. All of a sudden it hit me that it's no longer just us three. No more just DS and I. Everything has changed and there was no turning back. I think I gave myself my 1st panic attack. That night I laid in bed with my son and I sobbed while cuddling him. SOBBED. I found myself "needing" him near me all the time. If DH went to the store and wanted to take DS, I told him to leave DS with me. The guilt I felt was so overwhelming I didn't know what to do with myself. About 2 weeks later, the feeling was gone. Completely GONE. I realized it was ME and not DS. I realized that DS was happier than ever and that I was still able to have one on one time with him. It's been 2 years since DD was born and I have 2 best friends. They are best friends and our family is complete.

You will feel better and the hormones are not helping the way you feel either.

Message edited 6/5/2010 4:04:22 PM.