I'd like to share this

First, I'd like to say this place is wonderful and nurturing and I've always felt comfortable sharing with you girls.
I'm about to tell you one of the most painful things I've ever dealt with. Many of you experience or has experienced this grief on some level or another so I know you can relate or understand what I am going through. I am not looking for pity here, I just simply want to get this out of my chest. On Friday
I decided to go to see another Dr. because I felt I wasn't quite 100% with the Dr. I had first seen. Maybe I was looking for a better outlook on my situation, maybe a glimpse of hope. Who knows. My 1st Dr. diagnosed me with premature ovarian failure. Which means in lamens terms I am 27 but my ovaries are more of a woman in her late 30's/early 40's. I have a very low reserve of eggs. My first cycle was a bust. My estrogen levels just weren't going up. I decided to cancel after the advice of the people who worked in the Dr.'s office. I was supposed to start another cycle a few weeks ago, but the day I went for my baseline the blood work turned out to be bad and the Dr. advised me to wait to start a cycle in April. Very well. This is when I decided to see someone else. I went to St. Barnabas hospital in NJ, they are known to have a wonderful program there. I saw a Dr. who I think I really connected with. She was very compasionate to me when she gave me the news that I have a 1% chance of conceiving on my own. She also said the IVF treatment doesn't show promise due to the results of the first cycle. I didn't know how to feel at that moment. Devastated beyond believe could be an accurate term. All I thought about was how I messed up the chances of becoming a mom when I decided 3 times in the past to terminate the pregnancies I had. I was very young 19 the first time, 21 the second and 22 the third. I really wasn't ready the 1st time around. The second time I was with my husband but we had just been in a relationship for a year. He wasn't ready. The second time around was a different story. I wanted that baby. He still asn't ready.
I can't stop blaming myself for the past and somehow feel responsible for my misfortunes. Now here I am standing in this point in my life completely vulnerable. I can't think of anything more devastating than this.
So where do I go from here?
Well I am going to try another cycle. (if my body will cooperate in April) and I will most likely try agian if the cycle fails.
The next option is one that had entered my mind in the past and that was suggested on Friday. A donor egg.
I had this little voice in the back of my head telling me this was a possibility.
The only problem is that we do not have 20 grand to shell out for the process. We would obviously have to save for a few years. The possibility of carrying a baby that is at least 1/2 ours genetically to me outweights adoption.
Adoption would be the last option.
So this is where we are now.
As hard as this is I have to keep believing in a happy ending. God is great. There are so manyt miracles that can happen in life. I am just hoping I can have one. Thanks for listening during this difficult time girls!
BOTB

Re: I'd like to share this

I really feel for you as far as the infertility issues go, I was in the same boat myself, only given a 1-4% chance of getting pg on my own, and I am now almost 11 weeks pg with #2.

We were researching adoption.

I just want to warn you that some people on this site may be a little taken back about aborting a baby because your "DH wasn't ready". I am not judging you and I strongly believe in a womans right to choose, but it may be a very sensitive subject.

Good Luck.

Re: I'd like to share this

You made the best decisions you could back then. I am so sorry you're feeling punished because of them.

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Can I be honest?

I've been sitting here for about 5 minutes, trying to figure out what the best thing to say would be. I'm still not sure. I know you've been on the boards with us for a little while, and we're here to support each other.

So I will hold back some of the other feelings that I'm having, and say that I honestly and truly hope that God blesses you with the child you so desperately want. To go through what you're going through at 27 (same age as me) is truly not fair.

As the other poster said, though--be prepared, because a post like this could be upsetting to those of us who will never get pregnant without "extraordinary measures", like myself.

Re: I'd like to share this

Honestly for me I know that I have felt the same way as you. Although I have never had an abortion I have made other mistakes in my life and have wondered if not being able to conceive on my own was my punishment. I think to some extent everyone suffering from IF wonders if it's because of something they have done...it's just a natural reaction. But then I realized I don't think God is in the business of punishing people for things they have done in their past....for me I had to ask for forgiveness and make my peace with it and keep it moving.

Unfortunately IF has no rhyme or reason. I've chucked it up to getting dealt a crappy hand of cards that I have to deal with.

I think we are all here to support each other through this treacherous journey and we all all here for the same goal but I do see how your post may affect others that have never conceived naturally. I truly hope that God blesses you with a baby. Good luck

Re: I'd like to share this

My heart goes out to you -- I, too, used to feel like I was being punished somehow for things I've done in my past. I am not here to judge you and don't think anyone else should either. Anytime you want to unload or vent, please send me an FM, I'll be here.....Keep the faith, that's all we can do...

Re: I'd like to share this

Miracles DO happen, so try to keep that in mind. My friend was told the same exact thing but she went ahead with injectable IUI's anyway and got pregnant on her 2nd try. Her RE told her she had a 1% chance of getting pregnant, but she ignored him and forged ahead.

Re: I'd like to share this

Posted by jacquig

Honestly for me I know that I have felt the same way as you. Although I have never had an abortion I have made other mistakes in my life and have wondered if not being able to conceive on my own was my punishment. I think to some extent everyone suffering from IF wonders if it's because of something they have done...it's just a natural reaction. But then I realized I don't think God is in the business of punishing people for things they have done in their past....for me I had to ask for forgiveness and make my peace with it and keep it moving.

Unfortunately IF has no rhyme or reason. I've chucked it up to getting dealt a crappy hand of cards that I have to deal with.

I think we are all here to support each other through this treacherous journey and we all all here for the same goal but I do see how your post may affect others that have never conceived naturally. I truly hope that God blesses you with a baby. Good luck

Re: I'd like to share this

I am so sorry you are going through this. I put of TTC until I was almost 33 because of career and financial reasons. Now I am dealing with IF and can't help but think it's partly because I waited too long to start trying. We cannot live in the past and dwell on the choices we made when we were younger. We can only play the hand we are dealt now. There was no way you could have predicted premature ovarian failure. The good news is that miracles do happen and the egg donor option is out there. Good luck!

Re: I'd like to share this

I've actually thought a lot about egg donors myself. I really don't know much about it and was going to look into myself as a possiibility if everything else fails.

You have to do what is best for you in the long run...I really, really hope that everything works out for you.

And it is normal to blame yourself for past mistakes. I waited until I was 35 to start trying and even then I wasn't 100% sure. Even now when the IUI's don't work, I wonder if I did something this month that made it not work, but in the end you just have to keep hoping.

Good luck...

Re: I'd like to share this

I wanted to post this link for you-regarding low responders

If you do want to try with your own eggs again-try searching some of the medical journals-you'd be surprised how little some specialists are up on the newest research

Re: I'd like to share this

personally I don't believe that God punishes anyone. We all make decisions in our lives that has various long-terms results/feelings.
At least you know what you are dealing with which means you can make the most educated decisions about treatment options. And as a mom of an adopted child (and a bio-child) I can promise you that my son is 100% mine and there is NO difference when I hold him. DNA does not link me to my children- love does.

Message edited 3/3/2008 1:53:00 PM.

Re: I'd like to share this

Posted by Bxgell2

Miracles DO happen, so try to keep that in mind. My friend was told the same exact thing but she went ahead with injectable IUI's anyway and got pregnant on her 2nd try. Her RE told her she had a 1% chance of getting pregnant, but she ignored him and forged ahead.

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Posted by cautiouslyoptimistic

Posted by babyonthebrain

Posted by avamamma

I really feel for you as far as the infertility issues go, I was in the same boat myself, only given a 1-4% chance of getting pg on my own, and I am now almost 11 weeks pg with #2.

We were researching adoption.

I just want to warn you that some people on this site may be a little taken back about aborting a baby because your "DH wasn't ready". I am not judging you and I strongly believe in a womans right to choose, but it may be a very sensitive subject.

Good Luck.

Your story gives me great hope!!! Thanks for sharing with me! As far as other people being upset over my decisions, that is complely ridiculous and frankly I could care less about how others feel about my decisions. They are exactly that. Mine. I have to live with them, no one else. I am not proud of them. I am extremely sorry I decided to terminate the pregancies but there's nothign I can do now except live with regret. I don't expect anyone to understand what I went through, now I am in the same predicament as everyone else with IF issues. I opened up my heartt here, if I get flak for it I guess I have to understand, it is a public forum and not everyone will agree with each other. But in the end I am the one living with it. Thanks for your concern and advice!
BOTB

You dont need to justify your past to anyone. Very well said

Re: I'd like to share this

Message edited 3/5/2008 6:20:43 AM.

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Re: I'd like to share this

Posted by avamamma

Posted by cautiouslyoptimistic

Posted by babyonthebrain

Posted by avamamma

I really feel for you as far as the infertility issues go, I was in the same boat myself, only given a 1-4% chance of getting pg on my own, and I am now almost 11 weeks pg with #2.

We were researching adoption.

I just want to warn you that some people on this site may be a little taken back about aborting a baby because your "DH wasn't ready". I am not judging you and I strongly believe in a womans right to choose, but it may be a very sensitive subject.

Good Luck.

Your story gives me great hope!!! Thanks for sharing with me! As far as other people being upset over my decisions, that is complely ridiculous and frankly I could care less about how others feel about my decisions. They are exactly that. Mine. I have to live with them, no one else. I am not proud of them. I am extremely sorry I decided to terminate the pregancies but there's nothign I can do now except live with regret. I don't expect anyone to understand what I went through, now I am in the same predicament as everyone else with IF issues. I opened up my heartt here, if I get flak for it I guess I have to understand, it is a public forum and not everyone will agree with each other. But in the end I am the one living with it. Thanks for your concern and advice!
BOTB

You dont need to justify your past to anyone. Very well said

I NEVER asked for any justification. I simply stated that on this board, there may be more sensitivity than on another. I did not condemn her at all. I speak to a number of people on this board that were angered and offended by her past decsions, but did not post. I did not pass judgement, and don't care what someone else has done in their past, I don't have to live with their decisions. I wish op the best.

Re: I'd like to share this

Posted by cautiouslyoptimistic

Posted by avamamma

Posted by cautiouslyoptimistic

Posted by babyonthebrain

Posted by avamamma

I really feel for you as far as the infertility issues go, I was in the same boat myself, only given a 1-4% chance of getting pg on my own, and I am now almost 11 weeks pg with #2.

We were researching adoption.

I just want to warn you that some people on this site may be a little taken back about aborting a baby because your "DH wasn't ready". I am not judging you and I strongly believe in a womans right to choose, but it may be a very sensitive subject.

Good Luck.

Your story gives me great hope!!! Thanks for sharing with me! As far as other people being upset over my decisions, that is complely ridiculous and frankly I could care less about how others feel about my decisions. They are exactly that. Mine. I have to live with them, no one else. I am not proud of them. I am extremely sorry I decided to terminate the pregancies but there's nothign I can do now except live with regret. I don't expect anyone to understand what I went through, now I am in the same predicament as everyone else with IF issues. I opened up my heartt here, if I get flak for it I guess I have to understand, it is a public forum and not everyone will agree with each other. But in the end I am the one living with it. Thanks for your concern and advice!
BOTB

You dont need to justify your past to anyone. Very well said

I NEVER asked for any justification. I simply stated that on this board, there may be more sensitivity than on another. I did not condemn her at all. I speak to a number of people on this board that were angered and offended by her past decsions, but did not post. I did not pass judgement, and don't care what someone else has done in their past, I don't have to live with their decisions. I wish op the best.

Honestly, I wasnt even referring to you, I actually quoted the OP, but instead of quoting her original post I quoted yours. Sorry if I offended you, but it was an honest mistake

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Message edited 3/5/2008 6:23:52 AM.

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I just want to wish you a lot of luck and tell you I'm sorry for what you're going through.

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Posted by MrsPornStar

You made the best decisions you could back then. I am so sorry you're feeling punished because of them.