| Posted By |
Message |
| Pages: [1] 2 |
mikeswife06
Drama Momma
Member since 9/06 9947 total posts
Name:
Anne
|
If you were ready for a baby before DH...
how did you handle waiting for him to be ready? My DH's need to wait is strictly financial and it's making me insane because I am now thinking about the fact that our situation is actually pretty good right now and how much stuff could come up related to $$$$ and that we'll never feel financially "ready". I know it's going to happen but how did you deal with the waiting? I am trying not to think about it but it's nearly impossible after having had a m/c....
|
Posted 2/15/07 8:29 AM  |
| |
|
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
spooks
So in love!
Member since 6/06 4378 total posts
Name:
Sarah
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Well, I don't have advcie per se but for me I have always wanted to start TTC earlier than DH. And now he has a new job in which he feels completely lost and he wants to delay it more. My feeling is, while I want him to have the maturity and be in the mind frame to become a dad, I also have always asid to him and myself that its my body that will be goign through everything and that I kinda get more say in the matter. Probably not the healthiest outlook, but that is how I feel. Have you seen someone to help you through things? If so, maybe they can help with this too? Good luck.
|
| Posted 2/15/07 9:47 AM |
| |
|
LovingLife
Blessed
Member since 8/06 2818 total posts
Name:
Blessed
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
I wish I could answer that for you.....I told DH that I wasn't ready in the beginning because if finances...but then realized on my own that we will never be ready if I base my decision on that....we have our home, we both make good money, we are comfortable with our bills...so there is no reason why we couldn't make it work....like everything else in life...when you are in a situation you make the best of it.....my child will have a roof over his or her head, food in his mouth and loving parents forever.
|
| Posted 2/15/07 9:48 AM |
| |
|
Goldi0218
My miracles!
Member since 12/05 23902 total posts
Name:
Leslie
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
How did I wait? I had no choice. I am a firm believer in two people being on the same page in regard to family planning. Even though pregnancy isnt coming easy for us, I still feel that way. The last thing I would need or want in my life is for my child (or myself) to be resented, As much as one would like to think that this doesn't happen, it does. I see it everyday.
However, if a pregnancy were a surprise and unplanned, then he would of course step up to the plate and we would have made it work.
|
| Posted 2/15/07 9:54 AM |
| |
|
justme
LIF Zygote
Member since 11/06 12 total posts
Name:
just
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by Goldi0218
How did I wait? I had no choice. I am a firm believer in two people being on the same page in regard to family planning. Even though pregnancy isnt coming easy for us, I still feel that way. The last thing I would need or want in my life is for my child (or myself) to be resented, As much as one would like to think that this doesn't happen, it does. I see it everyday.
However, if a pregnancy were a surprise and unplanned, then he would of course step up to the plate and we would have made it work.
I agree with this entirely. However, if you both have good careers, own a home, have an emergency fund etc. maybe you should talk to him to see what else are his financial requirements before he is ready. I think it is hard to ever really feel financially ready. Also, are you on the same page about wether or not you will need to work when you have the baby? This could be why he isn't financially ready.
I too have seen people have children they resented and would never want to pressure someone into having children.
Good luck to you.
|
| Posted 2/15/07 10:14 AM |
| |
|
|
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by Goldi0218
How did I wait? I had no choice. I am a firm believer in two people being on the same page in regard to family planning.
my feelings exactly --- if i had my way i would have tried to have a honeymoon baby ---- but he wanted to wait and im glad we did - --- we have been almost married two years and i loved the time that we spent together - and now that he is ready and looking forward to having a baby.... there's no better feeling.......
personally, i wouldnt want to be trying or then pregnant and thinking that this is something by dh wasnt ready for!
|
| Posted 2/15/07 10:32 AM |
| |
|
Lauren
Very Happy!
Member since 10/06 3917 total posts
Name:
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
I am kind of going through that now. We have agreed to start TTC this year, but he wants to wait until mid to end of summer. I have agreed to this, because I am still trying to get off a few more pesky lbs. But everyday I wish we could start now.
I just know I have to be patient because it will be better for everyone concerned in the long run.
|
| Posted 2/15/07 11:08 AM |
| |
|
Mrs-Beans
LIF Adolescent
Member since 7/06 812 total posts
Name:
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
I have been ready for awhile now, DH not so much. Recently we have been talking about it more & more and ew have decided to start TTC in October. It is stil longer then I wanted to wait, but it can't be all my decision. Being ready really isn't the issue for us. We wanted to own a home first, but chances are that is not going to happen.
|
| Posted 2/15/07 11:25 AM |
| |
|
DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
My husband always knew I wanted a baby from the 1st day we met. It was something i was NOT willing to compromise on. He tried to rationalize me out of it, talk me out of it, many different things. I compromised and sai we would wait a yr. Well 3 months after we were married he said he was willing to try then so we did and got PG first try and then had a m/c. Since then we have been on a rollercoaster with fertility issues. I will be 33 in June. We have discussed that we are glad we didn't wait. Honestly, I wish we would have gotten married sooner!
|
| Posted 2/15/07 12:36 PM |
| |
|
snuggleupagus
I'm a rolling machine.
Member since 9/06 2064 total posts
Name:
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
My clock started ticking...I felt this urge to PG. DH was not exactly feeling it...he just wanted to settle into married life more. I refused to go against his wishes...however, we eventually agreed that we would try around the 1-2 year mark, depending on how things were. We also agreed to be officially NOT not trying so that we were both open to surprises. good thing, surprise! I am now 6 months pregnant. we couldn't be happier and we talked about it recently, I mentioned how he'd wanted to wait a little longer and just wanted to know for sure he was completely thrilled...he looked at me and said, he always thought he'd be a dad by 28. [he'll be 28 this year] just a figure he had in his head all along. Melted my heart and was definitely something I needed to hear.
So to answer your question, I simply waited until we were on the same page...it was tough, but worth it.
|
| Posted 2/15/07 12:58 PM |
| |
|
jozieb0925
Double Trouble!
Member since 5/05 4358 total posts
Name:
Josie
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
I was ready before dh and I just respected his wishes. I agree with some of the other posters..I wouldn't want to try, unless I know dh is on the same page as me..
Once we got married, we discussed our deadline per say...I told him by the time I turn 30, I def. wanted to start trying..this gave him a few years to prepare himself..lol...
ETA: I dealt with it by enjoying my freedom..doing things for myself, with friends, as a couple, etc. because once you have a baby all of that changes..
Message edited 2/15/2007 1:12:12 PM.
|
| Posted 2/15/07 1:10 PM |
| |
|
mikeswife06
Drama Momma
Member since 9/06 9947 total posts
Name:
Anne
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Did my OP somehow sound like I was implying "forcing" him into having a baby sooner because that is completely NOT an option and I think that is the way some of you responded to me. I wanted to know if there was anything to ease the waiting time for them to GET ready. I would by no means EVER make my DH have a baby if he wasn't ready. All I am saying is I don't exactly think we will ever be completely financially or mentally or emotionally prepared for a child (I don't think anyone can be) and if you wait for that perfect time, no one would have babies! However, I am respecting his wishes, I am still pretty young but my question was...how did you deal with the waiting and it seems that only like 2 people actually answered that.
|
| Posted 2/15/07 2:38 PM |
| |
|
DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by mikeswife06
Did my OP somehow sound like I was implying "forcing" him into having a baby sooner because that is completely NOT an option and I think that is the way some of you responded to me. I wanted to know if there was anything to ease the waiting time for them to GET ready. I would by no means EVER make my DH have a baby if he wasn't ready. All I am saying is I don't exactly think we will ever be completely financially or mentally or emotionally prepared for a child (I don't think anyone can be) and if you wait for that perfect time, no one would have babies! However, I am respecting his wishes, I am still pretty young but my question was...how did you deal with the waiting and it seems that only like 2 people actually answered that.
I def. didn't think that and I also think that you guys need to compromise. If he wants to wait 3 yrs he should be willing to compromise with you and make it 1 or 1.5. I think if you want something really badly your partner should work with you to make it happen. Now that doesn't mean it has to be all on your terms BUT it shouldn't be all on his terms either. I mean you would be having a baby if you didn't m/c right? What had you all discussed before you got PG?
|
| Posted 2/15/07 2:52 PM |
| |
|
justme
LIF Zygote
Member since 11/06 12 total posts
Name:
just
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by mikeswife06
Did my OP somehow sound like I was implying "forcing" him into having a baby sooner because that is completely NOT an option and I think that is the way some of you responded to me. I wanted to know if there was anything to ease the waiting time for them to GET ready. I would by no means EVER make my DH have a baby if he wasn't ready. All I am saying is I don't exactly think we will ever be completely financially or mentally or emotionally prepared for a child (I don't think anyone can be) and if you wait for that perfect time, no one would have babies! However, I am respecting his wishes, I am still pretty young but my question was...how did you deal with the waiting and it seems that only like 2 people actually answered that.
For me, what I mean is that simply knowing that it is only worth TTC if both people are on board makes the wait worth it. Please don't think people are attacking you, but I think many wives go through this and they get through just knowing that it would never be worth having a baby if your DH is not ready. I looked at your last TTC post and I think that your suggestion of counseling might be good for you. Although you say you respect his wishes, it sounds like you are really having a hard time dealing with them or that you two aren't communicating well. JMHO. post
|
| Posted 2/15/07 4:36 PM |
| |
|
mikeswife06
Drama Momma
Member since 9/06 9947 total posts
Name:
Anne
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by justme
I think many wives go through this and they get through just knowing that it would never be worth having a baby if your DH is not ready.
I am not saying it WOULD be worth it I am saying "What are some things that helped you wait!?!?!?!?!" That's it.
I am in counseling, we are completely communicating, but yes, I am having a hard time thinking about waiting years to TTC again after having the incredible feeling of being PG and preparing myself for mommyhood and now I have to put those feelings away for YEARS. As someone once said...after a miscarriage you don't just lose a baby, you lose the future that you have already begun imagining. It is very hard for me and apparently I came to the wrong place for a little support....
|
| Posted 2/15/07 4:58 PM |
| |
|
angnick
Life is So Wonderful!
Member since 8/06 6663 total posts
Name:
Angela
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
I might be a rarity but dh is ready for a baby whereas i'm not. I'm not emotionally ready.
How does he deal with it? He is patient. Very patient and understanding.
That is part of what a marriage is.
I know u want a baby now, and that must be tough, but talk to your dh and work out a compromise.
It will be great and worth the wait in the end!
|
| Posted 2/15/07 5:15 PM |
| |
|
Goldi0218
My miracles!
Member since 12/05 23902 total posts
Name:
Leslie
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by mikeswife06
Did my OP somehow sound like I was implying "forcing" him into having a baby sooner because that is completely NOT an option and I think that is the way some of you responded to me. I wanted to know if there was anything to ease the waiting time for them to GET ready. I would by no means EVER make my DH have a baby if he wasn't ready. All I am saying is I don't exactly think we will ever be completely financially or mentally or emotionally prepared for a child (I don't think anyone can be) and if you wait for that perfect time, no one would have babies! However, I am respecting his wishes, I am still pretty young but my question was...how did you deal with the waiting and it seems that only like 2 people actually answered that.
I am so sorry if you feel as if you were judged, that was not my intent. I simply wrote how I personally dealt with my waiting process. DH and I talked about having a family before our wedding and when he may be ready. I wanted to start immediately and DH wanted to pay off some bills and start in the summer. I had many reasons as to why I wanted to start, including a family history of difficult pregnancies and disorders in both the children and the mothers, my age (36) and just simply a burning desire to be a parent.
Waiting was hard, but like I said before, I had no choice - I cried, I yearned, I whined, I complained, I stressed and I cried some more. We fought about it sometimes and that wasn't good for us - especially in our first year of marriage. It was gnawing at me and it was painful. That was my truth. It stunk. I suppose you could say I didn't deal well at all.
I look back on how my siblings and I were provided for and I look at it this way. DH and I will never be able to give all of what our parents gave us BUT they will ALWAYS have enough of what they need - just not a heck of a lot extra. Perhaps that is something you can tell your DH to make it easier for him and for you. I wish you the best and I hope it gets easier.
Message edited 2/15/2007 6:08:41 PM.
|
| Posted 2/15/07 6:04 PM |
| |
|
mikeswife06
Drama Momma
Member since 9/06 9947 total posts
Name:
Anne
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by Goldi0218
Posted by mikeswife06
Did my OP somehow sound like I was implying "forcing" him into having a baby sooner because that is completely NOT an option and I think that is the way some of you responded to me. I wanted to know if there was anything to ease the waiting time for them to GET ready. I would by no means EVER make my DH have a baby if he wasn't ready. All I am saying is I don't exactly think we will ever be completely financially or mentally or emotionally prepared for a child (I don't think anyone can be) and if you wait for that perfect time, no one would have babies! However, I am respecting his wishes, I am still pretty young but my question was...how did you deal with the waiting and it seems that only like 2 people actually answered that.
Waiting was hard, but like I said before, I had no choice - I cried, I yearned, I whined, I complained, I stressed and I cried some more. We fought about it sometimes and that wasn't good for us - especially in our first year of marriage. It was gnawing at me and it was painful. That was my truth. It stunk. I suppose you could say I didn't deal well at all.
I look back on how my siblings and I were provided for and I look at it this way. DH and I will never be able to give all of what our parents gave us BUT they will ALWAYS have enough of what they need - just not a heck of a lot extra. Perhaps that is something you can tell your DH to make it easier for him and for you. I wish you the best and I hope it gets easier.
Thank you, this is what I was looking for...not for people to think I was trying to ask how you convinced DHs or something....thanks for the response. I am actually glad to hear that you cried, whined, and whatever, I did that too for about a week and then we had a big fight and now we have compromised...but it is still going to be at least 2-3 years 
|
| Posted 2/15/07 6:50 PM |
| |
|
Mrs
LIF Adult
Member since 6/05 1652 total posts
Name:
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
With us, I started talking to him a lot about it. About babies and about me not getting younger how, I wish!
I point out to him all the time that I have my own internal biological clock and want to have a baby before a certain age.
I think by talking so much about it, I got him more and more used to the idea. Than, we started setting a date for when we would both feel comfortable, than it seemd like everyone around us had babies, and he got even more used to it. Once we set date, we kept compromising.. and than eventually we met in the middle, and now we are trying March!
|
| Posted 2/15/07 10:04 PM |
| |
|
Kissy331
My two miracles!
Member since 5/06 17826 total posts
Name:
Kristen
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
I am kinda in that situation now...I am ready but DH is still not ready. When we first got married, I told him I wanted to wait a year & then start trying. After being married 6 months, I got the itch but I knew that DH was not ready. I would never pressure him as I am a firm believer that you MUST be on the same page when it comes to ttc. We have discussed it more & more as we approach our 1 year anniversary & we decided to TTC in July.
DH is not scared to be a parent, he just has a lot of work goals that he wants to accomplish without the extra stress of having another person to support. I totally support him & that is why I am all aboard when he is ready!!!
|
| Posted 2/16/07 7:12 AM |
| |
|
DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by mikeswife06
Posted by Goldi0218
Posted by mikeswife06
Did my OP somehow sound like I was implying "forcing" him into having a baby sooner because that is completely NOT an option and I think that is the way some of you responded to me. I wanted to know if there was anything to ease the waiting time for them to GET ready. I would by no means EVER make my DH have a baby if he wasn't ready. All I am saying is I don't exactly think we will ever be completely financially or mentally or emotionally prepared for a child (I don't think anyone can be) and if you wait for that perfect time, no one would have babies! However, I am respecting his wishes, I am still pretty young but my question was...how did you deal with the waiting and it seems that only like 2 people actually answered that.
Waiting was hard, but like I said before, I had no choice - I cried, I yearned, I whined, I complained, I stressed and I cried some more. We fought about it sometimes and that wasn't good for us - especially in our first year of marriage. It was gnawing at me and it was painful. That was my truth. It stunk. I suppose you could say I didn't deal well at all.
I look back on how my siblings and I were provided for and I look at it this way. DH and I will never be able to give all of what our parents gave us BUT they will ALWAYS have enough of what they need - just not a heck of a lot extra. Perhaps that is something you can tell your DH to make it easier for him and for you. I wish you the best and I hope it gets easier.
Thank you, this is what I was looking for...not for people to think I was trying to ask how you convinced DHs or something....thanks for the response. I am actually glad to hear that you cried, whined, and whatever, I did that too for about a week and then we had a big fight and now we have compromised...but it is still going to be at least 2-3 years
So Annie,
What did HE compromise on? Also I asked you before but you never answered what had you discussed before getting married?
|
| Posted 2/16/07 9:27 AM |
| |
|
mikeswife06
Drama Momma
Member since 9/06 9947 total posts
Name:
Anne
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by melijane
I am actually glad to hear that you cried, whined, and whatever, I did that too for about a week and then we had a big fight and now we have compromised...but it is still going to be at least 2-3 years
So Annie,
What did HE compromise on? Also I asked you before but you never answered what had you discussed before getting married?
Oh, well before we got married I guess neither one of us wanted to rush into having children (I would have of course) but it was just assumed that I would graduate and then get a job and then we would see where we were at. So I guess there was no definitive timeline initially. But, once I was in the school system I learned a lot and I felt that I should wait to be tenured before getting pregnant and after my student teaching I had hoped there would have been employment opportunity for me but there wasn't so all of the things I had anticipated were changing in addition to the pregnancy and pregnancy loss. So I realized everything cannot be planned and I was fearful of not getting a job for this upcoming year (I still have nothing promising going on) and then waiting 3 years to HOPEFULLY get tenured and I just freaked thinking it could be FOREVER before we try again. BUT, I told him, fine I will get a job, but I am most likely not going to wait until I am tenured. So, we will see what happens. And I guess in a long winded answer to your question, he has not really compromised at all...he just wants me to have a job and the rest is all in my head though his attitude is "So what if you get pregnant the first year, women get pregnant all the time, that's what happens" I am just like   You SO don't get it in the teaching field do you?!?!?!?!
|
| Posted 2/16/07 9:45 AM |
| |
|
DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by mikeswife06
Posted by melijane
I am actually glad to hear that you cried, whined, and whatever, I did that too for about a week and then we had a big fight and now we have compromised...but it is still going to be at least 2-3 years
So Annie,
What did HE compromise on? Also I asked you before but you never answered what had you discussed before getting married?
Oh, well before we got married I guess neither one of us wanted to rush into having children (I would have of course) but it was just assumed that I would graduate and then get a job and then we would see where we were at. So I guess there was no definitive timeline initially. But, once I was in the school system I learned a lot and I felt that I should wait to be tenured before getting pregnant and after my student teaching I had hoped there would have been employment opportunity for me but there wasn't so all of the things I had anticipated were changing in addition to the pregnancy and pregnancy loss. So I realized everything cannot be planned and I was fearful of not getting a job for this upcoming year (I still have nothing promising going on) and then waiting 3 years to HOPEFULLY get tenured and I just freaked thinking it could be FOREVER before we try again. BUT, I told him, fine I will get a job, but I am most likely not going to wait until I am tenured. So, we will see what happens. And I guess in a long winded answer to your question, he has not really compromised at all...he just wants me to have a job and the rest is all in my head though his attitude is "So what if you get pregnant the first year, women get pregnant all the time, that's what happens" I am just like You SO don't get it in the teaching field do you?!?!?!?!
I see, so basically his only thing is that you have a job and then he's willing to try? I actually think thats a good compromise(JMO you know) Also I don't think you should overthink the whole tenure thing. Follow your heart. There are plenty of things a teacher can do besides teach. Ther are companies that look for people to sell educational supplies but you have to have a teaching degree so think outside the box a little. GL
|
| Posted 2/16/07 10:36 AM |
| |
|
Mrs-Boop
My Babies
Member since 5/05 4956 total posts
Name:
Jaime
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
My honest advice is to just back off and give it time and he'll come around. This is from experience. DH and I have been married for three years. I have been ready since the day I said I do. Him on the other hand was not, he claimed for financial reasons, although we both do pretty well. For two years I hounded him about having a baby, with him threatening at one point he didn't want any and me threatening divorce, because this had been something we agreed on prior to marriage. Well, I spoke with a close friend who told me to back off...so I did. Well, a year later now, he is 100% ready, more ready and excited than I have ever seen him. He's the one that went out and bought me pregnancy tests and ovulation predictors. I think his excitement now has exceeded mine. Oh and our financial situation didn't change at all over any of this time, maybe he is just using that as a cover for now. Just give him some time to come around. 
|
| Posted 2/17/07 4:56 PM |
| |
|
mikeswife06
Drama Momma
Member since 9/06 9947 total posts
Name:
Anne
|
Re: If you were ready for a baby before DH...
Posted by Mrs-Boop
My honest advice is to just back off and give it time and he'll come around. This is from experience. DH and I have been married for three years. I have been ready since the day I said I do. Him on the other hand was not, he claimed for financial reasons, although we both do pretty well. For two years I hounded him about having a baby, with him threatening at one point he didn't want any and me threatening divorce, because this had been something we agreed on prior to marriage. Well, I spoke with a close friend who told me to back off...so I did. Well, a year later now, he is 100% ready, more ready and excited than I have ever seen him. He's the one that went out and bought me pregnancy tests and ovulation predictors. I think his excitement now has exceeded mine. Oh and our financial situation didn't change at all over any of this time, maybe he is just using that as a cover for now. Just give him some time to come around.
Thank you
|
| Posted 2/18/07 9:09 AM |
| |
|
| Pages: [1] 2 |
