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mitabtrfly
Member since 12/06 2770 total posts
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Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
Ok so..my mom has lived with me on and off for a while now. When DH & I were dating and decided to move in together, we asked her if she wanted us to get a 3 bedroom and she said no because she was leaving to live in Virginia. Well..she left..but a few months later she decided to come back after having an argument with her sister. So we had to make room for her in our apartment. She was sleeping in the room w/my son (who was 14 at the time). Uncomfortable situation..but we made the best of it.
Now..after our wedding (October) she decided to move to Connecticut with my brother because she wanted to help him and because she felt he was lonely because we have no family there other than 1 cousin. My brother has never married, has no kids, etc. Nothing is wrong with him..but the way I see it, he's a grown man and it was his choice to move there. I think my mom went there because she tends to make it seem like she's in the way, although we've NEVER told her that. Anyway...let me not get sidetracked.
Ok so she moved to Connecticut in October, has her own room, and has been working in Target. She's retired and a widow, but wanted to do something while she was there. Once she found out I was pregnant, she automatically said she wanted to take care of the baby. GREAT FOR US! However, now we moved from a 2 bedroom to a 3 bedroom when we found out we were expecting..and now are getting ready to set up the baby's nursery. On top of that my son is now 16, and has his own room again and LOVES it!
Now..my mom has said she is coming back to stay which is fine, but we are wondering where we are going to put her? I didn't want to have to crowd the nursery with her stuff, nor my sons room, but it seems like we will have to put her in with the baby. She says she wants to get her own place, but I doubt that is going to happen right away. I don't want her to feel rushed, but I want to know if she really is going to look for her own place.
Reason I am saying this is because for over 2 years now we have been dealing with the back and forth issue. We don't have the space for her right now, but are willing to make it if necessary. Our concern is that although she says she is coming to stay and take care of the baby, she is so unpredictable that one day she may just pick up and go again.
How do I approach this situation w/out her getting upset or angry with me?
Message edited 5/22/2007 12:18:10 PM.
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Posted 5/22/07 11:56 AM  |
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DanaRenee
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Member since 6/06 6470 total posts
Name:
Dana
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
I don't understand how she'd expect you to just take her back when you clearly do not have the space to accomodate her?
I know your afraid to upset her or have her angry with you, but at the same time why isn't she concerned that she is going to upset you by intruding on your family life/space? I'd be really upset if my Mom had no regard for my situation and my limited space and just expected to move into someone elses bedroom (baby or your son). I know she is your mother and you want to take care of her as she did for you but at the same time, she is an adult and she should be responsible for herself, and if she wants to help you with the baby she should do so in a way that is most convienient for you...not her. JMO.
How does your DH feel about this?
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| Posted 5/22/07 12:11 PM |
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waterspout4
My loves
Member since 5/06 19150 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
You just need to sit her down and talk it out. Let her know exactly how you're feeling. Always explain how much help it'll be to have her around first, then throw in that you need her to make a decision. You can't skip around the issue. 
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| Posted 5/22/07 12:13 PM |
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LuvMy2Girls
@>---------
Member since 5/05 11165 total posts
Name:
Mommy
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
Honestly, If it were me in your situation. I would sit down and have a long conversation about this with her after I worked everything out with DH.
Since I am planner type, I would first have all my thoughts in writing and I would present to her the options. These options of course would work for both of you, but would be the most convenient for you.
I would then give her a deadline in which she would need to get back to you. When she makes a decision, the option gets signed.
I know it sounds harsh, I have done this before...but i think if you give her the run of the decision she will flip flop back and forth and leave you guys either unprepared, or prepared without her.
This would separate emotions from reality and with a living situation, emotions cannot cloud your judgement on what's best to do.
JMO
GOod luck!
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| Posted 5/22/07 12:14 PM |
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mitabtrfly
Member since 12/06 2770 total posts
Name:
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
Posted by DanaRenee
I don't understand how she'd expect you to just take her back when you clearly do not have the space to accomodate her?
I know your afraid to upset her or have her angry with you, but at the same time why isn't she concerned that she is going to upset you by intruding on your family life/space? I'd be really upset if my Mom had no regard for my situation and my limited space and just expected to move into someone elses bedroom (baby or your son). I know she is your mother and you want to take care of her as she did for you but at the same time, she is an adult and she should be responsible for herself, and if she wants to help you with the baby she should do so in a way that is most convienient for you...not her. JMO.
How does your DH feel about this?
DH has been understanding..even from the time we were just dating. However, once we sat down and thought about it, we never got to experience "living together" fully until she moved out in October. Now..here we are having to go through this again..and it's only been 9 months that we have been living comfortably without her there.
He doesn't want the babies room used either, but where else can we put her? It's not fair to my son, us, or the baby..but I'm trying to look at it like she is coming to help us..so we owe her that much at least until she finds a place. I will help her find a place..but she has to save up the money for it, which as we know can take a long time. It's just going to be an uncomfortable situation, again and I feel like we have no choice but to deal with it.
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| Posted 5/22/07 12:17 PM |
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DancinBarefoot
06ers Rock!!
Member since 1/07 9534 total posts
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The One My Mother Gave Me ;-)
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
IMHO it doesn't sound like the free daycare is worth the inconvenience. I would tell her thanks but no thanks.
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| Posted 5/22/07 12:21 PM |
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DanaRenee
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Dana
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
Posted by mitabtrfly
again and I feel like we have no choice but to deal with it.
You totally have a choice here!
Have you asked your mom where she expects to stay? Put her on the spot. What if you asked her "Mom, where do you want to stay when you come here?" and if she says with you, ask her where, what room? Tell her all the rooms are full now and that your son needs hes own room now, hes a grown boy/man. And see what she says. If she says the baby's room tell her why that won't work or be hesitant and see if she gets the hint. Be straight forward and firm but nice about it.
I agree that the extra help is TOTALLY not worth the inconvienience.
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| Posted 5/22/07 12:26 PM |
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mitabtrfly
Member since 12/06 2770 total posts
Name:
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
Maybe i'm just a wuss..but I can't be mean to my mom. On the other hand I know I can't complain either if I'm not willing to say/do something.
What if..I told her to start saving her money now so that when she comes we can go apartment hunting?
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| Posted 5/22/07 12:32 PM |
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Ladybug63
Ohh... baby
Member since 5/06 2527 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
Just to throw a possible option would you consider having the baby in your room in a bassinet for a few months until she finds a place.
I don't know how big your room is so it may not even be an option but It could buy you & her some time to get her settled in her own place.
Either way you def. need to sit her down and just say with the new baby coming making your family 4 now & possibly 5 with her, you need to plan the living arrangements.
Good luck!! I'm sure it will all work out!
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| Posted 5/22/07 12:46 PM |
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mitabtrfly
Member since 12/06 2770 total posts
Name:
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
Posted by Ladybug63
Just to throw a possible option would you consider having the baby in your room in a bassinet for a few months until she finds a place.
I don't know how big your room is so it may not even be an option but It could buy you & her some time to get her settled in her own place.
Either way you def. need to sit her down and just say with the new baby coming making your family 4 now & possibly 5 with her, you need to plan the living arrangements.
Good luck!! I'm sure it will all work out!
We could..but I'm afraid if we do that it will only make her stay longer because she will be SUPER comfortable. The babies room is big. The only thing is it has no doors because our landlord used it as their dining room. We plan to put a door, but I don't want my mother thinking it's "her" room. Also..we have been looking forward to setting up the nursery and would really want the baby to be in it..
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| Posted 5/22/07 12:50 PM |
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michele31
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3372 total posts
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Michele
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
I would pay my mom for the daycare and have her live on her own.
Personally, I think it is unfair of your son to have his grandmother live in his bedroom. If you mom lives in your new baby's room I have a feeling she will really begin to do a lot of things that a mommy would want to do for their child. If things are going well for her in CT then maybe she should stay there and you can use daycare. I would be honest and tell her that with the housing situation you just can't see her moving in working out right now but that you love her and really appreciate her offer.
I think it is unfair of your mother to assume that she can just move in with you at any point. It is not being mean to her to not want her to move in. If handled without anger then it is not mean, it is being fair to your family.
I think the real issue is that you feel you have NO choice...you feel powerless over your mom just moving in when and how she pleases. You need to understand that YOU are a mother now too...and you are an adult and your mom needs to achknolwedge that you are not responsible for her now. HUGS
Message edited 5/22/2007 2:18:30 PM.
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| Posted 5/22/07 2:11 PM |
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ARIELSMOM
Love my Babes
Member since 8/05 5889 total posts
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MEREDITH
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
I would try to help her find her own place. I dont think its fare to your older son to have to share any of his space. now that you guys finally have the space you need and with the new baby you will run out of room real quick.
I would definitly suggest that she find a place close to you, but something that is her own.
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| Posted 5/22/07 2:40 PM |
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mitabtrfly
Member since 12/06 2770 total posts
Name:
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
Thanks so much ladies!! I knew I could count on you to give me your honest opinions!!
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| Posted 5/22/07 2:44 PM |
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DanaRenee
Fitness Junkie!
Member since 6/06 6470 total posts
Name:
Dana
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Re: Ladies I need your advice on this...PLEASE! Sorry it's LONG
Posted by mitabtrfly
Thanks so much ladies!! I knew I could count on you to give me your honest opinions!!
i hope you figure something out that works for everyone !
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| Posted 5/22/07 2:51 PM |
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