May not be for this board, but I feel comfortable posting here..LONG DH VENT!

I am at my wits end with my husband and I dont know what to do anymore. I was thinking of creating an alias to post this, but I have so many great friends here and always get such good advice, that I decided, why would I do that? Everyone has problems, its a part of life, so I hope maybe someone can give me some advice.

My dh is an electrician. He works "at night" and has recently become a foreman. As most of you know, we have a 4 month old daughter (our first). I decided to take the year off (preschool teacher) to stay home with her. So I have basically taken everything over, all the cooking, the cleaning, taking care of the baby obviously, all the bills, etc. The only thing I find hard doing on my own is running errands outside because for now, I dont have a car and he uses the truck for work. So, I have to wait until the weekend to food shop (sometimes with him) and to do outside stuff. Anyway..I am rambling...

Since he has become a foreman at work, its like thats all he can handle. He cant balance his family and work at the same time and its driving me insane. He literally wakes up 2 hours before he has to go to work every day, just giving him enough time for a shower, a cup of coffee and to walk the dogs. Then he is gone for hours and hours. When he comes home, the process is reversed. He walks the dogs, has a glass of milk and climbs into bed. Only taking the time to tell me about his work day, he doesnt even ask how his daughter is, how I am, or anything else about our day.

He has been in such a fog lately. He walks around waiting for me to tell him what the next step is (on the weekends) and then I feel like a nag because all I am ever doing is asking him to do something. But he doesnt realize, that if he just did it on his own, I wouldnt have to ask or tell. Hes a grown man..who is a foreman on the job..why doesnt he know what hes supposed to do (which isnt much by the way.)

Its hurting me that not only does he not seem to care about me anymore but he doesnt seem like he even to be involved in his daughters life. He adores her, dont get me wrong. He plays with her, feeds her when he is home and is always willing to dress her or whatever but when it comes to talking about her, NOTHING!

I cannot live a life where he is home for 2 hours a day and everything else is about work. Even if he balanced it better, talked to me about other things, was a husband when he was home, I would feel better. In the morning before he leaves, he is on the phone constantly with work people..when he comes home, still on the phone. IT NEVER STOPS!

I have tried to talk to him about it..my husband doesnt talk. He either just tries to say what I want to hear or he explodes. There is never any conclusion and there is never any fixing it. He claims he will try harder, but it happens for one day and then thats it. I literally cannot take it anymore and I dont know what to do at this point.

My dh is wonderful, dont get me wrong. He has a heart of gold, and has always done everything for my family. But with the birth of the baby, its like he went into a pp depression. I was so afraid of it happening to me and it happened to him. He never once got me anything for the birth of the baby, he didnt even give me a christmas gift marked from the baby. His life hardly changed..he still lives the way he wants to live. My husband doesnt go out with friends, but thats his choice. He showers when he wants to shower, he steps out of the house when he wants to step out, he talks on the phone whenever he wants to, he has his dinners made and packed for him every day...I cant say I get the same!

I just dont know what to do. I dont think he can handle this position at work and be a husband and a father at the same time. Its like he has a one track mind..if hes focusing on one thing, he cant focus on another. Its either us or his job or vice versa. I cant live like this. I have tried kissing butt, I have tried talking to him, I have tried yelling at him, NOTHING WORKS. Every day its the same mundane routine..its to the point, where the only thing that makes me look forward to the next day is being with my baby girl.

I love my husband...and thats where this post comes from. I dont want it to end up in disaster but at this point, I cant deal with it anymore. I fell into a new position in life without so much as one complaint or breakdown. I quit my job after working for 12 years, became a sahm, my entire life has changed..and I just accepted it. He told me the other day "I am no spring chicken anymore..I dont know what you want from me?" NO SPRING CHICKEN????? Hes 31!!!!!!! This is how the rest of my life is going to be??????????

Does anyone have any advice..does anyone go through this or has been through this before..I know the schedule is killing us and if he just woke up a bit earlier, things would be better. Things would get done in the morning. I would feel less stressed and more like the family we should be. But hes so stubborn..he doesnt listen..he doesnt admit to anything...what should I do..because I am losing patience fast..and I dont want to make any irrational decisions based on my anger and hurt. Anyone?

Re: May not be for this board, but I feel comfortable posting here..LONG DH VENT!

I totally know where you're coming from, I think our story is similar. DS is 5 months and just recently has my husband started to play a more active role in his caretaking. He would do anything I asked and is a big help around the house, but it was hard at first. He runs his own business, so he's on the phone in the mornings and at night/weekends also. He was completely overwhelmed when Ryan was born, and things were not great between us for a while, but it was subtle. I don't even think he was aware of it. Recently he snapped at me for nothing and I calmly asked if anything was bothering him later that night. I said you're acting different I can tell something is up. He told me that watching me do everything w/the baby was stressing him out - that sounds weird but he was thinking along the lines of what if my wife dies, what would I do, I can't handle this responsibility etc. and between that and some of the pressures he's had at work and also feeling like he is no longer #1 in my life caused him to be a little depressed.

We talked about it and I'm making more of an effort to be nice to him (instead of resenting him for being off working while I figure out how to be a mom). I think we each had to adjust to our new roles in our own way. We had some alone time this weekend - got a babysitter and went out, and we had the best time. Maybe you and DH can have some alone time to reconnect? He might just be overwhelmed with all of his new responsibilities. It sucks that they tend to clam up and not discuss this - and at a time when you need all the support and help you can get. I don't know the answer but I can definitely say I know where you're coming from. I hope it gets better for you guys, I would just give it some time and see if he doesn't get into a routine. Hang in there, it is all so overwhelming sometimes. You are not alone Mom!!!

Re: May not be for this board, but I feel comfortable posting here..LONG DH VENT!

I don't know that I can offer advice, but I can definitely empathize with much of what you wrote. Working nights is the absolute worse because it changes everything.

My DH used to work nights when we first got married. It was actually a great way to ease into living with someone. When he finally got switched to days there was a slight adjustment in the "Ugh, he's always home when I'm home. I'm NEVER alone anymore."

Now we have 2 kids & he switched to nights in October. Our weekends were ruined because Friday nights he worked, Saturday he slept all day & he was awake all Saturday night. He only had a few hours with the kids which consisted of him dropping them off at my mom's before catching a train into the city. We barely spoke. I wouldn't call him when I was at work during the day because I didn't want to wake him. I didn't call him when he was picking up the kids because it annoyed him because he was rushing. I couldn't call him on the train because he was sleeping. (I once called him on the train to say "we're like 2 trains passing in the night." and he was annoyed that I woke him up. I couldn't call him at work because he was on the job. It definitely took its toll.

Things that helped were email, leaving notes or funny quips about the kids during the week. I would put photos in his jacket. I know it's tough - I've been there. I can't imagine having to be home all day & never get a break with the baby either. My DH is getting off nights as of Monday & I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to it.
You said he does play with dd, he does love her. It could be a combination of new baby stress plus the job was more than what he bargained for.

If you really wanted to push it, you could reverse both of your schedules so you, dd & he are up when he gets home. You'd rarely see daylight but it could help a little bit.

Re: May not be for this board, but I feel comfortable posting here..LONG DH VENT!

I'm not going to reply here, Noreen, because I will talk to you about it later when we talk, but I just wanted to say that I love you, my dear, and I absolutely know what you're going through.

Re: May not be for this board, but I feel comfortable posting here..LONG DH VENT!

I am sorry you are hurt and frustrated

Some women and men have a hard time adjusting their life to this change of a new baby. I know I myself fantasized my life would be the same, just with the addition of a baby, and when that didn't happen it took some adjusting and it was really hard. The first months with DD were the hardest, we fought, bickered, yelled at each other for the smallest things..

Communication is Key! we fought alot, but Dh always wound up communicating and opening up when he was ready.

Would he be open to counseling?

or maybe you could write him a non accusing letter with mostly sentences beginning with I feel....When you do this...It makes me feel like....

Sometimes men are not accustomed to dealing with their emotions and feelings, he might be feeling the same as you and know somethings not right, but doesn't know how to express it without feeling "yelled" at. Counseling would do that too.

It's wonderful you want to work it out, I hope you guys do for that cutie baby girl





ETA: We only have one car too, and I am a SAHM now too, hopefully being able to work from home, but I know how you feel by being stuck in the house all day. I take care of everything too and sometimes by 5pm, i just want to explode.

Message edited 1/15/2007 1:29:58 PM.

Re: May not be for this board, but I feel comfortable posting here..LONG DH VENT!

i know exactly what you are going through. my daughter is 4 months old and my dh works extremely odd hours. I also quit my job which i have been in for 11 years to be a sahm. I think such a dramatic change can be a difficult adjustment for everyone. try counseling like the above poster suggested.

Re: May not be for this board, but I feel comfortable posting here..LONG DH VENT!

I really don't have much advice, Just that I feel when a family makes a choice for mom to stay home, sometimes the sacrafice is greater than just money. Try to understand that he is probably putting a LOT of pressure on himself. Give it a little more time, once he gets used to his new position, things will get better

Re: May not be for this board, but I feel comfortable posting here..LONG DH VENT!

when I was home on maternity leave I really resented my husband b/c I felt like his life just went on and mine came to a screaching halt. I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down but his only had a few speed bumps and he was off and running again.

I think all of these feelings you're having are normal and with your DC being only a few months old, the dust is still settling....

Our DD is almost 3 months old now and we are still adjusting... I am back & work now & i have to say that really helped to diffuse the work load - now DH is more apt to help out whereas before I was home all day so he thought it should be up to me and I have to say I sort of agreed... I did have time when DD was napping, etc to get some things done- but I DID resent him for it!

I have no advise- all marriage has its ups & downs so I think you just have to hang in there and remember those good ole days b/c they'll come back again soon.