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mamabear
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medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
My BIL and his family visited us this weekend and we found out that their son, our nephew (who is now 11) has been on meds for ADD/ADHD since before he was 5. We had no idea. Before we found this out, we noticed some odd things. He is a very scared boy. He seemed scared of everything. Scared to be upstairs by himself, to shower without someone else around, to walk down stairs alone (they were a little steep and he said he slipped on them once) He was freaked out by dirt. He would literally run away from something if it looked dirty. My daughter was playing outside and got really dirty and he was amazed I was not freaked out. Then she put her fingers in my drink, I later took a sip, and he shouted- no, there's dirt in there! I said it would be fine, a little dirt never hurt anyone. He has to ask permission for pretty much everything he eats. My mom offered him a peach. He had to ask his dad. Every single bite of food he took, he would say, dad, can I have this. We went to the zoo, he asked if he could have pizza. His step mom, BIL's wife, said- I don't know what you're having yet, I havent looked. Then she looked and said no, you will have the grilled chicken sandwich. He played a video game with DH (he had to get permission, and there were only a few types he was allowed to play) and as soon as the tv came on, at a normal volume, he said uncle it's too loud, please turn it down. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for--I don't think it's any of my business. I just feel so bad for this kid. I don't know if he is being medicated because his parents want him subdued, I don't know if he is naturally so timid/scared, or if it's the result of the meds--I'm just not really sure what to think. I worry that he will either rebel and go absolutely nuts one day, or that he will just be a little off always. I wish there was something we could do, but it's not our place
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Posted 8/24/10 1:33 PM  |
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smdl
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
I will just say that because parents do not talk about their child's issues does not mean they are not aware of it.
Obviously he has been taking medication for 6 years. It's not a new thing that the parents are dealing with.
IF you want to talk about it, I suggest you go the "easy" route and not judge or assume anything. I would go like "hey, I was not aware that XXXX was taking medication. How is he doing? How are you doing?".
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:38 PM |
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Peainapod
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
mmm...im no export, those sound like sensory related issues that sometimes happen with autism. I only know this from a coworkers son who is autistic and bipolar and certain feels, sounds etc. can totally set him off.
but anyway, I guess they are aware if he's being treated. I wonder if he sees any sort of therapist in addition.
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:44 PM |
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mamabear
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by smdl
I will just say that because parents do not talk about their child's issues does not mean they are not aware of it.
Obviously he has been taking medication for 6 years. It's not a new thing that the parents are dealing with.
IF you want to talk about it, I suggest you go the "easy" route and not judge or assume anything. I would go like "hey, I was not aware that XXXX was taking medication. How is he doing? How are you doing?".
It's mostly the way they treat him that saddens me. I have always noticed that. When we were choosing who would get custody of our girls should something happen to us, I said not his bro, because of the way I see him treating his son. DH fully agreed. It is wayyyy to strict, IMO. I know every parent is different, and there are many different styles, but the strictness in combination with the effect I am seeing on the kid--how he cannot make a single decision for himself and seems scared of everything--just makes me sad. The wife told us about the meds. She mentioned it in passing. I'm not sure we were supposed to know, so I would not say anything to BIL. She just said he was put on before she met BIL, so she doesn't know the background. She is mean/strict, too. He was eating a sandwich, he asked if he could have the second half. She said I only had one half and Im not hungry anymore, so you cant be either. He apparently is a smart kid and does well in school. He is super polite. He just seems to always have this sadness/quietness about him, and so freaked out/scared of so many things. And there are way too many things for me to know why, but it just makes me sad to see it.
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:48 PM |
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Goldi0218
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
It sounds based on what you are reporting that there is a lot more going on than just ADD or ADHD, perhaps an anxiety issue or a mood disorder but I am NOT a diagnostician so I couldn't and wouldn't begin to say definitively that's what it is.
In my setting ( I teach special education in a psychiatric day treatment center), children who take meds to address ADD/ADHD often benefit from mood stabilizers as well.
Many medications of this type have not been approved for use for children and if he has been on meds since before he was 5, it is very possible, that his parents are using behavioral techniques as opposed to medical ones until they have more data/information.
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:48 PM |
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NinaLemon
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
My DSS is ADHD and PDD-NOS. We have to monitor everything he eats because his diet has a major affect on him, not just behaviors but his ability to think and reason.
He is medicated not because we want him "subdued" but because we want him to be able to function. Without his medication he can't make a decision, he is terrified of being wrong, he doesn't trust himself. We have been working very hard to reduce his meds through diet and strict routine, expectations, encouragement etc.
I feel sorry for my DSS often, I see how hard his life is, but we struggle to make it better for him and part of that is taking control of his environment, showing him he has control. He is 14 now and still trying to understand these things. We still have to remind him that when he shoots a basket, it was him not his new shoes that made it happen.
I wouldn't judge the family, or the methods they use with the child, I am sure they are aware and are trying to find what works best for him.
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:49 PM |
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nrthshgrl
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Speaking from experience, most parents don't medicate their children to subdue them
From what I've read & after speaking with neurologists, ADD/ADHD is like having chaos inside you. You cannot focus if there are other distractions around. You can focus in certain environments & with certain people, but otherwise, it's very, very difficult. It is a heartwrenching decision, that I don't think many people take lightly. The last thing I wanted was for my child to have that chaos & not being able to control themselves. I think it's scary for a child to deal with that impulsivity. What was the final factor is when it starts to affect their self esteem - when they cannot concentrate & it becomes a social issue. It's hard to have a playdate with a child that has ADD/ADHD who isn't medicated.
I'm not a doctor but what you're describing doesn't sound like ADD or ADHD. It sounds like something else - behavioral/OCDish..something. I'm not saying he doesn't have ADD/ADHD but he could have other challenges along with it.
As for the rebeling, going absolutely nuts some days or always be off...trying to subdue the mother instinct in me regarding my own child...that is not exclusive or something that comes from having ADD or ADHD. That could be ANY child. I'm very open about my child having ADD but based on that perception alone, I could see why a parent would want to keep their child's diagnosis a secret.
Message edited 8/24/2010 1:53:11 PM.
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:50 PM |
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LSP2005
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L
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
I am not an expert in ADD or ADHD but I know that foods can trigger certain reactions, but to me, the dirt/going down the stairs was something that I found upsetting. I think there may be more than meets the eye here, but at the same time, I feel like they may not be letting him be a kid and get dirty. I am sorry.
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:53 PM |
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Mommy2Boys
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by Peainapod
mmm...im no export, those sound like sensory related issues that sometimes happen with autism. I only know this from a coworkers son who is autistic and bipolar and certain feels, sounds etc. can totally set him off.
I thought the same exact thing.
Autism can often be misdiagnosed for ADHD which is sad because than the child is medicated for no reason at all. That is why I feel people should always get a 2nd and 3rd opinion if necessary.
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:54 PM |
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Sash
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
My Stepson exhibit the same moods and reactions. when I first started dating my DH, his son was 6 and I thought he was autistic. I only thought this because my aunts neice is autisitc and his behaviour was so similiar.
My Dh and the mom were in complete denial that anything was wrong. took them until the child was 12 to put him on medication and get a proper diagnosis. He was diagnosed with ADHD and behavioural issues. My stepson needs structure and a routine. I wish that my Dh and the mom would give his son as much strucutre as your BIL is giving their kid.
I can promise the stories sounds similiar and if they are dealing with half the stuff we dealt with SS than I can see why they place strucutre and rules.
At times I tell ym Stepson no for normal things and people look at me like I am crazy for treating an almost 13 year old like that. But I am doing it cause I have to, I am avoiding a freak out, or rude behaviour or him getting sick.
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:57 PM |
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CrankyPants
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
I wouldn't judge.
While I feel sad for the struggles and limits on the kid-I realize there are some issues that do better with more structure/rigor etc and than without-maybe the strictness is a way to keep everything in order so the kid is as well behaved and functional as he is and if that rigidity was stripped the kid would be bouncing off the walls.
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:58 PM |
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mamabear
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
I fully agree that most parents would not give a child medicine to subdue them. I don't know how to explain it, but I am just a little afraid that in this particular instance, a little of that may be going on. BIL just seems to run a very very tight ship and I don't see the child being allowed to be a kid at all. There are many examples that make me feel this way. I know I may be wrong to even think it, which is why I would never say anything. But when I found out about the meds, I will admit that a piece of me thought perhaps in this case it was the bro wanting the child to be perfectly behaved, or thinking any sort of hyperness, etc, was not acceptable for a child and that *maybe*, it was not truly necessary. And if that was the case, just how sad.
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| Posted 8/24/10 1:58 PM |
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computergirl
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by mamabear
My BIL and his family visited us this weekend and we found out that their son, our nephew (who is now 11) has been on meds for ADD/ADHD since before he was 5. We had no idea.
I have no experience with ADHD, but based on the judgmental attitude I absorbed from your post, maybe your BIL and his wife picked up the same disapproving vibe from you and didn't feel comfortable discussing their son's diagnosis.
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:00 PM |
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smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by mamabear
Posted by smdl
I will just say that because parents do not talk about their child's issues does not mean they are not aware of it.
Obviously he has been taking medication for 6 years. It's not a new thing that the parents are dealing with.
IF you want to talk about it, I suggest you go the "easy" route and not judge or assume anything. I would go like "hey, I was not aware that XXXX was taking medication. How is he doing? How are you doing?".
It's mostly the way they treat him that saddens me. I have always noticed that. When we were choosing who would get custody of our girls should something happen to us, I said not his bro, because of the way I see him treating his son. DH fully agreed. It is wayyyy to strict, IMO. I know every parent is different, and there are many different styles, but the strictness in combination with the effect I am seeing on the kid--how he cannot make a single decision for himself and seems scared of everything--just makes me sad. The wife told us about the meds. She mentioned it in passing. I'm not sure we were supposed to know, so I would not say anything to BIL. She just said he was put on before she met BIL, so she doesn't know the background. She is mean/strict, too. He was eating a sandwich, he asked if he could have the second half. She said I only had one half and Im not hungry anymore, so you cant be either. He apparently is a smart kid and does well in school. He is super polite. He just seems to always have this sadness/quietness about him, and so freaked out/scared of so many things. And there are way too many things for me to know why, but it just makes me sad to see it.
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If you saw me with DS, you would find me VERY strict. Because I have to!
He does not have ADD/ADHD. But he has sensory issue which seems like this little boy has too also. His sensory processing might hard to understand for him and for anyone not familiar with.
It's EXTREMELLY frustrating for parents. It's exhausting!
I am CONSTANTLY on my 3 yo case. Because he will stim. One day it's something and I correct him all day long, then 2 months later it's something else.
I don't mean this in a bad way, but I don't think you have any idea what it is to deal with such behavioral issues and what it takes.
If I listened to DS, he would eat yogurt all day long. Reasoning him is harder than other kids can be at his age. Sometimes setting strict structures may appear harsh for others who are not used to it.
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:02 PM |
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Sash
Peace
Member since 6/08 10312 total posts
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fka LIW Smara
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by mamabear
I fully agree that most parents would not give a child medicine to subdue them. I don't know how to explain it, but I am just a little afraid that in this particular instance, a little of that may be going on. BIL just seems to run a very very tight ship and I don't see the child being allowed to be a kid at all. There are many examples that make me feel this way. I know I may be wrong to even think it, which is why I would never say anything. But when I found out about the meds, I will admit that a piece of me thought perhaps in this case it was the bro wanting the child to be perfectly behaved, or thinking any sort of hyperness, etc, was not acceptable for a child and that *maybe*, it was not truly necessary. And if that was the case, just how sad.
You may have a point but you can totally be wrong. Sometimes medication is necessary. And we may not be talking about a kid that is hyper. Kids with ADHD can freak out, the same way a kid with autism can freak out.
My stepson flipped out on me cause he didnt want to go on an elevator once when he was 8. Im talking about scremaing bloody murder. It was so uncormfortable and embarassing. I was in shock and totally off guard. I am just saying you dont know what brought them to the point that they decided to medicated the child.
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:03 PM |
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Michelle1123
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
I also dont know much about ADHD/ADD, but it sounds to me that he might have some sensory issues as well.
I do, however, think you are being very judgemental, just because the parents are strict. One thing might not even be related to the other. I always thought i was easygoing, but lately I think that I might be strict, at least when we're out in public or at a family members/friends house. I would much rather see a stricter parent than a parent who lets their kids run wild and blame it on hyperness. It sounds like the boy is very well behaved, whats wrong with that? He may end up rebelling when he gets older, but I myself went thru a period of rebellion and my mom was not strict at all.
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:07 PM |
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Mommy2Boys
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by computergirl
Posted by mamabear
My BIL and his family visited us this weekend and we found out that their son, our nephew (who is now 11) has been on meds for ADD/ADHD since before he was 5. We had no idea.
I have no experience with ADHD, but based on the judgmental attitude I absorbed from your post, maybe your BIL and his wife picked up the same disapproving vibe from you and didn't feel comfortable discussing their son's diagnosis.
I dont think she was being judgemental. I feel she was expressing her sadness for this child. It seems that he is not being allowed to be a child.
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:08 PM |
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Goldi0218
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Leslie
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by jellybean1420
Posted by computergirl
Posted by mamabear
My BIL and his family visited us this weekend and we found out that their son, our nephew (who is now 11) has been on meds for ADD/ADHD since before he was 5. We had no idea.
I have no experience with ADHD, but based on the judgmental attitude I absorbed from your post, maybe your BIL and his wife picked up the same disapproving vibe from you and didn't feel comfortable discussing their son's diagnosis.
I dont think she was being judgemental. I feel she was expressing her sadness for this child. It seems that he is not being allowed to be a child.
I do not think she was being judgmental either. Certainly not in THIS forum where plenty of parents have children with multiple diagnoses who require multiple medications. I DO feel she was expressing genuine concern and perhaps was unfamiliar with the methods used to structure the child.
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:11 PM |
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mamabear
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by jellybean1420
Posted by computergirl
Posted by mamabear
My BIL and his family visited us this weekend and we found out that their son, our nephew (who is now 11) has been on meds for ADD/ADHD since before he was 5. We had no idea.
I have no experience with ADHD, but based on the judgmental attitude I absorbed from your post, maybe your BIL and his wife picked up the same disapproving vibe from you and didn't feel comfortable discussing their son's diagnosis.
I dont think she was being judgemental. I feel she was expressing her sadness for this child. It seems that he is not being allowed to be a child.
Thanks for that  I really don't think I am being judgmental--at least I am trying not to be. This is a kid I care about who seems scared and not to be a kid who is running around playing, laughing and enjoying life. Because I care about him, I am looking for why that might be. It could totally be something biological, pyschological, etc and the parents might be doing an awesome job and treating it as best they know how. It also could be the result of how the parents are treating him. I don't know. I can't know, as I am not there and we are not close enough to them as a family to really see more. That just leaves me feeling sad...that's really all I am saying.
ETA--also, I don't have any experience with ADD/ADHD, and didn't know about treatments and routine and such. So, I am glad I posted, because maybe that is what I am seeing, which makes me feel a bit more at ease. BIL has never mentioned a word of this to DH, even before I was around, so he had no idea other than to say that's just how his brother is.
Message edited 8/24/2010 2:17:17 PM.
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:14 PM |
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smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
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me
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by mamabear
Posted by jellybean1420
Posted by computergirl
Posted by mamabear
My BIL and his family visited us this weekend and we found out that their son, our nephew (who is now 11) has been on meds for ADD/ADHD since before he was 5. We had no idea.
I have no experience with ADHD, but based on the judgmental attitude I absorbed from your post, maybe your BIL and his wife picked up the same disapproving vibe from you and didn't feel comfortable discussing their son's diagnosis.
I dont think she was being judgemental. I feel she was expressing her sadness for this child. It seems that he is not being allowed to be a child.
Thanks for that I really don't think I am being judgmental--at least I am trying not to be. This is a kid I care about who seems scared and not to be a kid who is running around playing, laughing and enjoying life. Because I care about him, I am looking for why that might be. It could totally be something biological, pyschological, etc and the parents might be doing an awesome job and treating it as best they know how. It also could be the result of how the parents are treating him. I don't know. I can't know, as I am not there and we are not close enough to them as a family to really see more. That just leaves me feeling sad...that's really all I am saying.
ETA--also, I don't have any experience with ADD/ADHD, and didn't know about treatments and routine and such. So, I am glad I posted, because maybe that is what I am seeing, which makes me feel a bit more at ease. BIL has never mentioned a word of this to DH, even before I was around, so he had no idea other than to say that's just how his brother is.
Sometimes it's easier NOT to talk about it! 
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:22 PM |
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My4GirlsMyLife
My 4 girlies
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by Peainapod
mmm...im no export, those sound like sensory related issues that sometimes happen with autism. I only know this from a coworkers son who is autistic and bipolar and certain feels, sounds etc. can totally set him off.
but anyway, I guess they are aware if he's being treated. I wonder if he sees any sort of therapist in addition.
ITA !! My neice went through all this and they just found out she has Aspergers ( she is 16) . Everything you described are things she went through . It sounds like there is more going on than just ADD 
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:32 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by Goldi0218
It sounds based on what you are reporting that there is a lot more going on than just ADD or ADHD, perhaps an anxiety issue or a mood disorder but I am NOT a diagnostician so I couldn't and wouldn't begin to say definitively that's what it is.
In my setting ( I teach special education in a psychiatric day treatment center), children who take meds to address ADD/ADHD often benefit from mood stabilizers as well.
Many medications of this type have not been approved for use for children and if he has been on meds since before he was 5, it is very possible, that his parents are using behavioral techniques as opposed to medical ones until they have more data/information.
ITA with you as I have a dd who has ADHD and has been on meds for 6 years.
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:39 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
From what I've read & after speaking with neurologists, ADD/ADHD is like having chaos inside you. You cannot focus if there are other distractions around. You can focus in certain environments & with certain people, but otherwise, it's very, very difficult. It is a heartwrenching decision, that I don't think many people take lightly. The last thing I wanted was for my child to have that chaos & not being able to control themselves. I think it's scary for a child to deal with that impulsivity. What was the final factor is when it starts to affect their self esteem - when they cannot concentrate & it becomes a social issue. It's hard to have a playdate with a child that has ADD/ADHD who isn't medicated.
It is a VERY hard decision to medicate. I cried the 1st day she was on her meds as I didn't want it to change her personality. It calms her down as before and after meds some days she is OFF the CHARTS and to a "normal" person I am not doing my job and she is "bad" and out of control.
She doesn't think of the consequences of doing things much of the time and when you go to a store HAS to touch and try everything she sees out. It is VERY annoying and people will look at you and it is embarassing.
It is hard to have outside activities before and after the meds and I am sooooo afraid she is going to lose friends because of the ADHD as not many people can tolerate the hyperness, etc. after awhile.
NO ONE understands either (unless they have a child with ADHD and lives day in and day out with them).
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:44 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by Sash
My Stepson exhibit the same moods and reactions. when I first started dating my DH, his son was 6 and I thought he was autistic. I only thought this because my aunts neice is autisitc and his behaviour was so similiar.
My Dh and the mom were in complete denial that anything was wrong. took them until the child was 12 to put him on medication and get a proper diagnosis. He was diagnosed with ADHD and behavioural issues. My stepson needs structure and a routine. I wish that my Dh and the mom would give his son as much strucutre as your BIL is giving their kid.
I can promise the stories sounds similiar and if they are dealing with half the stuff we dealt with SS than I can see why they place strucutre and rules.
At times I tell ym Stepson no for normal things and people look at me like I am crazy for treating an almost 13 year old like that. But I am doing it cause I have to, I am avoiding a freak out, or rude behaviour or him getting sick.
Yes and people can not understand why I still do things for my dd (help clean her room, help put away her laundry). She can not focus to do it and while I DO give her things to do on her own, I help out for my OWN sanity.
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:47 PM |
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hazeleyes33
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 13060 total posts
Name:
Ginger
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Re: medicated children- ADD/ADHD. just a vent really
Posted by mamabear
I fully agree that most parents would not give a child medicine to subdue them. I don't know how to explain it, but I am just a little afraid that in this particular instance, a little of that may be going on. BIL just seems to run a very very tight ship and I don't see the child being allowed to be a kid at all. There are many examples that make me feel this way. I know I may be wrong to even think it, which is why I would never say anything. But when I found out about the meds, I will admit that a piece of me thought perhaps in this case it was the bro wanting the child to be perfectly behaved, or thinking any sort of hyperness, etc, was not acceptable for a child and that *maybe*, it was not truly necessary. And if that was the case, just how sad.
Can I ask for some examples because I have a child with ADHD.
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| Posted 8/24/10 2:51 PM |
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