Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Do you ever feel that the delay has something to do with things you may or may not have done with your child?

My DH and I are sitting here going over Jack's reports for his CPSE meeting tomorrow and I can't help but wonder if I did something wrong along the way, and that is why he is not speaking at the level other kids his age are talking at.

I had him out and socializing as early as 3 months. Music classes. Gym classes. Playdates. Around tons of family. Owns every single toy out there. But, did I mess up somewhere along the way? Did I somehow contribute to his speech delay?

It's just so frustrating, and he has come such a long way and I'm so proud of him, but I still can't help but wonder if I did something wrong. I don't even want to talk to DH about this right now bc I will end up in tears so I figured typing it out would be better.

Message edited 4/15/2010 10:26:39 PM.

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

diana
you did NOTHING wrong

I know...just by this site...that you are a wonderful mom and have a wonderful family and that jack is surrounded by love and support

he is a smart, handsome and fun little man and you are helping him move along

He is lucky to have u as a mom...never forget that!!

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Diana, you did NOTHING wrong. It is all just a crap shoot!

Jack is a wonderful, wonderful kid and THAT is because of the parents that you and James are

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Eddie doesnt have a delay, but has some health issues, which I know are not the same. But I sometimes feel like I couldve done more, or I did something to make him the way he is...even if its just my genes. So the situation isnt the same, but the guilt and feelings sound similar.....even though logically I know I did everything I could have.

You didnt do anything wrong!

Message edited 4/16/2010 8:33:55 AM.

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

I have felt that way with DS. He has a slight major motor delay. He HATED tummy time, so I didn't always do it for a full 15 minutes a day, he did roll over on time and sat up at 5.5 months. When he started sitting i didn't force the tummy time as much, I figured he had gotten to the next stage so he didn't need it.

At 11 months he started scooting as a mode of transportation, he didn't crawl. He would stand at a table but wasn't pulling to a stand, he would walk holding our hands but he wasn't rolling much. When we would put him on his belly he would flail and when we put him on his knees he would cry as if he were in pain. He was kind of stuck in a major motor sense because he wasn't using his legs much, just his trunk muscles.

We had him evaluated at 13 months and he started EI at 14 months. He made so much progress so quickly, I was so happy to see him succeeding, but it also kinda felt like, man why couldn't I teach him this.

He'll be 16 months next week and is now rolling, crawling, pulling to a stand and has even taken a few steps unassisted. I spoke to our therapists and PED about my concerns (or really, mommy guilt) and they all said. The lack of tummy time could have been a contributing factor, but it wasn't the main thing. Delays don't happen because of one thing, there are many things that contribute to it. For DS it was his size, muscle mass, personality and maybe a little of me not forcing him to be on his belly more.

The thing is we do the best we can, these delays don't mean there is something wrong with our children or that we are bad parents. By having him evaluated and helped you are being a good parent. I have been told more than a few times, that DSs delays are so minor, many people would not have caught it so early. Don't stress over what you may or may not have done, try to embrace and be happy about the progress your child is making now!

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

You did NOTHING wrong!
When DS started EI almost 2 years ago, I did the same thing...questioned myself, what the heck did I do wrong.

It took the therapists and peds. to just say "he's delayed...he'll catch up".

Now he receives even more services in school and an OT came up to me today saying "I can't believe how much more he's talking, he's doing great".

So, those words of "he'll catch up" are definitley true

Bry was diagnosed, so, of course we question "why"? "What did we do"? etc.

But, to see the improvements is awesome!

Trust me, you did NOTHING! Trust me, I was the mom that did compare (you just can't help it).

All will be OK.

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

I know the feeling, every day I ask myself if I did something "bad" when I was pg and thats why Samantha has diabetes now ...but I can assure you that you are an amazing Mommy who was given a child with "special" needs b/c of how awesome you are and all you do for him!

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Thanks so much everyone and thank you for sharing your stories also. I am just anxious about this meeting so my head is spinning

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Good Luck!! I'm eager to hear how it goes. I'm sure with DH as a teacher it will be helpful. Dont stress

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

I know exactly how you feel.

I did the same thing, and even now, I go through periods of blaming myself.

Just know that you love your child, you are trying to get him services and you are doing it all out of love. It will all work out.

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

I don't think that a delay has anything to do with you. How you deal with the delay says more about you than the fact that there is a delay.

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

I TOTALLY feel like my DD's delays are my fault. She will be a year old in 2 weeks and she still can't even sit up -- forget about crawling or pulling to stand. She has had severe reflux since very early on and was never allowed to be laid flat. Tummy time was pretty much out of the question because any pressure on her belly made her spit up. The spitting up was so bad that she was diagnosed failure to thrive because she wasn't gaining enough weight and we almost had to insert a feeding tube to get her to gain. She slept in a cradle rocker every night and after that she slept in the bassinet until she was too big and then in her cradle, propped on the boppy. I feel like she is so delayed because we never let her move. She only started rolling over about 2 months ago.

She also is nowhere near eating table foods. When I tried to start feeding her babyfood she just kept pushing it out with her tongue, like that infantile reflex that they say will go away when they are ready to eat food. So I did not push her. I tried again every so often but when I saw she wasn't taking it I stopped. I feel like this delay is my fault too because maybe if I had kept trying she'd be able to eat normally by now.

She is now getting PT and feeding therapy. Both therapists say that the reason for her delays is that she has low muscle tone but I feel like if I had done more for her, she could have built her muscles up enough to be doing better at this point. And especially when I see what the therapists are doing with her, I think to myself...if only I had been doing these things, we wouldn't even be here. I totally feel like the most neglectful mother around.

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Absolutely not! Diana, you are such a wonderful mom and along the way you have done the very best for Jack!

Good luck with the meeting

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Oh D (and everyone else with the mommy guilt!!)
I'm a little concerned about DS's speech (though he seems to understand EVERYTHING, just has trouble getting new words out) - if the time comes for an EI evaluation and he needs help, well then I'll be thankful it's available to us!!!

Will this help you... think WAY back to your early years in grammar school - I bet you can name at least one kid who probably NEEDED therapy of some kind... and wasn't getting it right??? I can think of numerous kids I went to school with who probably needed it and that was a million years ago for me. Things have evolved since we were kids, and while sometimes I think the evaluations and services start SO EARLY, I quickly realize that they are needed during this magical window of time - NOT after the kids start school.
Thankfully, the resources are available now to lay the foundation for physical, speech and learning success!!

There' absolutely *nothing* you did wrong, or didn't do, etc etc. Just hang in there, and continue to be his #1 cheerleader!!

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

While DS is not "delayed" he is "behind." He hates tummy time and has weak shoulder/arm muscles and the flat head to prove it. I feel it is all my fault because I didnt push him to stay in tummy time when i knew he hated it. I guess its my first lesson of "You may hate it but its good for you so SUCK IT UP"

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

DD is getting evaluated next week...she can't crawl yet or pull herself up. She definitely has some weak muscle tone (especially her belly). Part of me feels badly because I think its somewhat genetic (the motor part) which is definitely from me. Then part of me thinks, could I have done something, and that makes me feel I guess its better knowing and doing something about it. I'm sure there are tons of people out there who are successful who had delays early on, so I would try to not get too down about it, but I understand how you feel. This mom guilt thing sucks!

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

I do think about this. DH developed a serious illness right around the time DSs speech delay became apparent (before that his efforts to communicate were pretty much on target for his age), so I sometimes wonder if we didn't talk to him enough during this period, and DH and I were definitely distracted. I remember putting him in front of the TV more while we dealt with other things, though it was never extreme. An hour or less a day.

But then I tell myself I am being ridiculous. We still talked to DS, maybe there was more TV, but we talked and sang songs. We took him places, or I did, arranged playdates, played with him, had him in a music class, read tons of books, took him to the library a lot, etc. I think the two events were a little coincidental. And i am sure nothing you did or did not do contributed to DSs delay, if anything it sounds as if a lot of things you did may have improved things for him.

It's hard not to wonder if something we did causes delays for our children, but I do think most of the time, children have delays for any number of reasons that have little or nothing to do with what their parents have done. And you are getting him services, which is the best thing you can do for him. It is not an easy thing to recognize that your child needs help and get it for him, some parents never come to grips with this.

I would say you did and are doing everything just right.

Message edited 4/16/2010 9:08:55 AM.

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

I think this almost every single day. Difference is that lately I'm able to really put myself in check by stopping the behavior because it just isn't productive. Instead I try to pat myself on the back for all of the things I AM doing to help him and take tremendous pride in each milestone, no matter how small they might be.

Doesn't mean I don't have pity parties every so often!

ETA: I was in a bad place emotionally for his entire first year. Lots of times I wonder if that had something to do with it. Maybe I didn't play with him enough. Maybe I didn't talk to him enough. Maybe I didn't do enough tummy time.

Message edited 4/16/2010 9:10:00 AM.

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Diana YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!! Do not ever think that! He just needed to communicate at his own pace. He is an amazing little boy such a sweet, happy adorable little man. He has come so far we are all so pround of him!!xoxo call me later!!

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

dont beat yourself up. My brother was in speech therapy from before Pre K through kindergarten. My mom was the only one would cound understand what he was saying most times. His teachers thought my mom was crazy for even sending him to therapy. But she insisted. He's a smart 26 year old now. Like brilliant smart. (and im not just saying that b/c he's my bro.) He understands complex math, science and philosophical things that i wish i could.

My DH also had speech problems as a kid and went to therapy too. It wasnt anything that their moms did.

Im sure with the right therapy he'll be talking so much and wont stay quiet

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

My daughter is moderate to severe hard of hearing. We see no delays yet but we are trying to prevent that with EI. Did you get DC hearing checked? They do an ABR.

Just a quick story. My SIL had speech delays as a child, She didn't speak her first word until she was 3 years old. She just pointed at everything. My MIL did everything for her. One day out of nowhere at 3 years old she just started talking full sentences and lots of them. Now she doesnt stop talking.

It's obviously not you. Every child grows differently.

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Diana- I know you asked for moms but you know what I do for a living and I just HAD to speak up.

I have met you and actually saw with my own 2 eyes the types of interactions you have with Jack. I PROMISE you that you do EVERYTHING right. You are the type of mom we speech therapists LOVE in that you really truly engage your child.

I cannot imagine where he'd be with a less involved parent!

I have to say I have had many parents ask the same question- and it's always the parents who are super involved in the process. It breaks me heart because I cannot imagine carrying around that kind of worry. You did "everything right" and yet for some reason it didn't work the way it's supposed to. There is often no explanation for speech and language delyas. It's something that often just happens. The fact that you were so on top of it speaks VOLUMES about your commitment.

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Posted by Porrruss
I have met you and actually saw with my own 2 eyes the types of interactions you have with Jack. I PROMISE you that you do EVERYTHING right. You are the type of mom we speech therapists LOVE in that you really truly engage your child.

I cannot imagine where he'd be with a less involved parent!

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Posted by chelle

Posted by Porrruss
I have met you and actually saw with my own 2 eyes the types of interactions you have with Jack. I PROMISE you that you do EVERYTHING right. You are the type of mom we speech therapists LOVE in that you really truly engage your child.

I cannot imagine where he'd be with a less involved parent!

I have to agree

Diana...don't ever think for a second that it's your or DH's fault. You do SO much for Jack...you've always been his biggest advocate and THAT is truly the best you can do.

Good luck today

Re: Moms of children who have some sort of a delay come in

Posted by nbc188

Posted by chelle

Posted by Porrruss
I have met you and actually saw with my own 2 eyes the types of interactions you have with Jack. I PROMISE you that you do EVERYTHING right. You are the type of mom we speech therapists LOVE in that you really truly engage your child.

I cannot imagine where he'd be with a less involved parent!

I have to agree

Diana...don't ever think for a second that it's your or DH's fault. You do SO much for Jack...you've always been his biggest advocate and THAT is truly the best you can do.

Good luck today

There's nothing more I can say that what these 2 lovely ladies have said.

You KNOW you didn't do anything to cause his delay. But he is doing AMAZINGLY well and that is, in large part, due to you & James....could he have more hands-on parents??? Absolutely not.

You know I MELT hearing the word explosions from that handsome little guy's mouth every time we get together....and I'm sure he's going to amaze me even more when we see you guys next week too. Honestly, when we see you guys, Jack is rarely NOT talking...so I don't even notice he has a "delay".