need advice - Referral please

Ok. I am a regular here, but need some advice that needs to stay private. It's long, but here it goes.

Some time ago, I found out that my DH was unfaithful. He kissed some girl at the office party. He claims he was beyond drunk and stopped when he realized what was going on.

As you can imagine, I am in a bad place. On the one hand, I have trusted my husband 100% since I met him and never thought he would ever go there. I am thankful that he thought enough to be honest with me and that it didnt't go as far as sleeping with someone. I know some women may think I am stupid for believing this, but I DO have trust in him still and choose to believe him for the sake of working on this. On the other hand, I am not totally naive and realize that it could be more than he is fessing up to.

My problem is that we have talked a lot about this and he is seeing a therapist (he had been before this incident) and continues to talk about this there, and although I have decided that this was not a marriage ending thing for me, it crceeps up and hurts me once in a while.

I have no one to talk to about it because I would never tell someone we know. I just don't want people judging him, me, or our relationship. I talk to him sometimes about it but there are times I just want to hate him for it and I don't want t make it a fight.

So I guess this is a part vent topic and a part "what would you do?" topic. I just don't know sometimes what to do. I don't understand at all why my husband would od this while we are fairly newlyweds and in a happy marriage. I'm not pattig myself on the back, but I am a great wife and person. I feel that he completely disrespected me and that I deserve better. I am just stuck in a weird place because sometimes things are fine and sometimes, like when he is not the nicest person, you know grumpy and what not, I think, how dare he act this way, you know?

I guess I'm just looking for thought and opinions. I need to have "girl talk" because, like I said, I don't have anywhere else to go.


Thanks in advance for any responses.

Message edited 2/23/2006 10:01:42 AM.

Re: need advice

Is it possible for you to join him on one of his therapy sessions? I think it might be a great way for you both to talk about it, but on a different level then when you talk about it on your own. PLUS the therapist will be able to give you ways to help forgive and move on that will not only be succesfull but healthy for you both as well.

Re: need advice

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am glad to see that your husband is getting help.

I think that your husband realized what he did and that you are a very strong person to stand by him. As much as it hurt for him to break your trust...and like you said...did it go further?

I hope that it time your heart and trust for him will be mended.

Re: need advice

Yes, I could, and that probably would be a great idea. I had been to one session with him beforehand, because we had some other issues.

I hate to say it, but I am so frustrated that we have to work on things so early on in our marriage. He has many issues that I have worked with him on, the way he treats some people, the way he speaks sometimes, so then that he did this was an even bigger slap in the face.

Sorry, I had to get more out I guess.

Re: need advice

What you are going through is completely normal. I agree that this was not a marriage ending event. He obviously felt guilty and told you, and he is talking to his therapist about it. So you are not dealing with a man who is being arrogant and stubborn about the situation, he is aware of the problem and working on it.
That being said, men are idiot's sometimes...especially when they drink. I'm betting that it was a total mistake and give him credit for realizing that before sleeping with her. There a many men that would have gone all the way and then regretted it afterwards.
As for what you are feeling, that is totally understandable too. Your trust has been shaken and you have lost some of the security of the marriage. But I don't think his transgression had anything to do with you. It was a time and place thing. The only reason he stopped himself is because of the strength of your relationship. Maybe you should see a therapist also, just to discuss your feelings about this. It's not as if you will just forget about it, that's not going to happen. And you don't want to spend the rest of your life together worrying if he's going to do it again.

Finally, I wish you lot's of luck with this. Trust is a major issue and the breaking of that trust brings on a whole new set of problems. You are both headed in the right direction and I think that is a wonderful thing. Good luck...

Re: need advice

First off I am sorry you are going through this. You are always welcome to vent!! That's what we're here for.

As for the "what would you do" part of your post, I would definitely go to couples therapy. This is not just DH's issue. His action affected you and your marriage and you need to deal with it together. It is very commendable that your DH is in therapy, but you also need help dealing with it. Maybe you should consider going to therapy alone as well.

Good luck.

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Thank you all so much for what has been written so far. You have no idea how good this feels to have some feedback from other women. I have needed this for so long.

Re: need advice

i think it would be advantageous for you to speak to a therapist. it is not healthy for you to bottle up your feelings. perhaps verbalizing your thoughts to an impartial person would allow you to see things more clearly. i don't have an answer for in re: to how to move forward. this is something that you must decide on your own. we all handle situations differently and a decision like this should be personal one. please don't feel that his ill actions are a reflection on you. it is NOT your fault and you shouldn't judge yourself so harshly. it is very promosing that he opted to admit what he did and that he is making an effort to move forward.

be strong and have faith in yourself.

Re: need advice

I say first off, you need to go to therapy yourself...alone AND with him.

2nd: it is OK to hate him sometimes for it and not want to fight...he hurt you and this is your emotional reaction---completely ok.

3rd: no one has a right to judge you or tell you HOW you should deal with this. This is YOUR marriage and your feelings...whatever YOU want to do is what is best for you and your marriage.

If you'd like a "girl talk" I'd be more than happy to talk to you on the phone....feel free to FM me.

I stood by someone close to me when they had an affair on their spouse and how they handled it.

Re: need advice

My Best friend recently went through something similiar...and its even worse. She caught her husband ( completly wasted) kissing her SIL in her bathroom.

She was devestated, and she kicked him out. She 100% believed this was all that ever happened. And having known him and them for 15 years, I too believed that was the extent of it. BUT...The trust thats broken , the feelings of WHY did he do this etc are sometimes TOO much to bear and just hearing what she went through, I have a sense of how much hurt you must be having.

They talked divorce for about a year, but they also have 3 children and yes chidlren change everything...They are now working on their marriage and so far so good.

Of course it took her a lot of time. She couldnt even allow him to touch her for months and months, even on the hand. And it still creeps up a lot.

The only advice is iif you choose to stay in the marriage, you have to work on it for a long time. IT wont go away and probably wont get easier....

But only YOU know your husband. None of us here can see, hes a cheat , leave...we dont know him...what if he is truthful and it was a mistake. Mistakes happen, people are human...and the only thing I can say is not matter what you cannot change what happened...you cant forget....but whats happens NOW and how he treats you and your feelings is whats going to make or break you.

Good luck

Re: need advice

poor thing - i cant even imagine how you feel- id totally feel the SAME way

if he told you thats a good thing- it was probably hurting him inside and he wanted to let it out
thats a step in the right direction

trust is earned and when its broken its very hard to get back
i do beleive that you can get through this
with him- i dont think something like a kiss coud break off a marriage, but i do think that he needs to work very hard to get your trust back so things dont deteriorate

i agree to go with him to the therapy-

my heart goes out to you - hopefully, he will gains your trust back after time, and everything will be OK

Re: need advice

I am so sorry you are going through this, I would feel the same way

I think the earlier suggestions of both personal and couples therapy is a good idea.

Hang in there.

Re: need advice

sorry you are going through this. It is so hard to give advice, because only you know what you can forgive and if it is worth working out. I also agree with the above posters that therapy might help you through this, especially since you feel like you have nobody to talk to.

Re: need advice

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. But i am going to be honest. If it were me, i would need a lot of therapy alone, aside from couples therapy, if i even was to consider trying to work it out.
I don't think i would be able to trust my husband again after that. But that is me. When trust is broken at that kind of level, for me, there is a hurt that would be close to impossible to get over.
But i would try for the very reason that your DH was honest. I commend him for that. Most people in that kind of situation wouldn't have been....So for that reason i would try. Just don't know if it would work out


Best of luck

Re: need advice

Sorry for everything but I can tell you that the first year of marriage is the hardest, I have been married for awhile so I can say that but the first year is the "big adjustment year", and second off if he is using alchocol as a factor for what he did I would send his @$$ to AA, I would refuse to let him drink!! It is obvious he cant handle his...and second off was it a kiss or was it a "kiss" big difference but I sure you will never know the truth and if it was the truth would you believe it? Once trust has been effected it a hard thing to be restored...Even if you accept it, I bet the first time you have a spat, you are going to throw what he did right in his face (its a women thing) ...I know its hard and I wish you the best...

Re: need advice

Posted by Redhead

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. But i am going to be honest. If it were me, i would need a lot of therapy alone, aside from couples therapy, if i even was to consider trying to work it out.
I don't think i would be able to trust my husband again after that. But that is me. When trust is broken at that kind of level, for me, there is a hurt that would be close to impossible to get over.
But i would try for the very reason that your DH was honest. I commend him for that. Most people in that kind of situation wouldn't have been....So for that reason i would try. Just don't know if it would work out


Best of luck

Re: need advice

Thanks again for everything you are all sharing with me.

I go back and forth so much within one day, and lately it is just becoming more real to me that this happened.

I thought by now that I would be past it in some way, but I guess now I get the fact that his actions hurt me to a point that I never thought I would have to deal with.

To be honest, before this I thought, for sure, that if I found something like this out, he would be out of here. Because if this happened only a year or two into a marriage when things are "easier" then what could happen later on.

But after the fact, I realized what a big deal divorce, and even separation is, that I don't even know how to handle that. I think also that I am scared that I am sacrificing my principles a bit because I am scared of separating and what not.

I think I will definitely start counseling on my own. I thought about it, and I think it is better for him to keep his meeting with his therapist separate from my issues with this. So if anything at all, I will start to see someone and have him come to my sessions.

Thanks again everyone. I know I said it before, but you have no idea how grateful I am that people here are taking the time to respond.

Re: need advice

Message edited 2/19/2006 1:03:57 PM.

Re: need advice

I agree with the other women, maybe go to counseling seperately. You sound very confused and hurt and I think you might want to work on your own well being before confronting him in his sessions. Also, dont feel bad about going to counseling. I went to stonybrook university and sought out a college counselor because working on our wedding plans, me going to school and dealing with him and both sets of parents was making me a loose canon. It didnt turn out to be a nagtive on me, it helped us through alot of difficult thngs and just think....this was all before the marriage... ; )

Re: need advice

I always say, you never know what you'd do in a situation until you are actually faced with it. You may have thought you'd walk immediately, but now you're not sure. I've been there and can totally relate.

I agree with going to counseling. I'd start off by going alone, and then bring DH in on the sessions. Best of luck with you're decisions, and we're here if you need to talk!

Re: need advice

Posted by CAJ

Sorry for everything but I can tell you that the first year of marriage is the hardest, I have been married for awhile so I can say that but the first year is the "big adjustment year", and second off if he is using alchocol as a factor for what he did I would send his @$$ to AA, I would refuse to let him drink!! It is obvious he cant handle his...and second off was it a kiss or was it a "kiss" big difference but I sure you will never know the truth and if it was the truth would you believe it? Once trust has been effected it a hard thing to be restored...Even if you accept it, I bet the first time you have a spat, you are going to throw what he did right in his face (its a women thing) ...I know its hard and I wish you the best...

Re: need advice

Posted by skew

Posted by CAJ

Sorry for everything but I can tell you that the first year of marriage is the hardest, I have been married for awhile so I can say that but the first year is the "big adjustment year", and second off if he is using alchocol as a factor for what he did I would send his @$$ to AA, I would refuse to let him drink!! It is obvious he cant handle his...and second off was it a kiss or was it a "kiss" big difference but I sure you will never know the truth and if it was the truth would you believe it? Once trust has been effected it a hard thing to be restored...Even if you accept it, I bet the first time you have a spat, you are going to throw what he did right in his face (its a women thing) ...I know its hard and I wish you the best...

although i agree w/ some of what you are saying, i don't think the answer is force him to go to AA or refuse to let him drink. if the drinking is the underlying problem, only he can make the decision to go to AA or to stop drinking. no one is going to willing stop doing something because they are forced to.

IMO, it doesn't matter what kind of kiss it was (a kiss or a KISS). all that really matters is that the trust was broken.

again, it is promosing and reassuring that he admitted what he did and is working to repair the relationship.

hang in there. we are here for you.

[/QUOTE

I dont know id drink is the issue here but if it is there is a problem concerning it and choices have to be made, so this does not happen again....and the part about a kiss there is a big difference between a kiss and a KISS...
a friendly kiss as in hello or was it a heavy duty KISS...thats is a big difference...

Re: need advice

IMO, the only friendly "kiss" shared by someone that is married w/ someone else other than their spouse, is a kiss on the cheek. they are co-workers not lifelong buddies. it was obviously more than a friendly "kiss" otherwise she would not be in this unfortunate situation.

Message edited 2/19/2006 6:11:11 PM.

Re: need advice

I do not have any additional advice to offer- everyone else has pretty much summed it up, but I just want to send my best wishes your way . . .

Re: need advice

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this. I think everyone has given you a wealth of advice, and you seem to have your head on pretty straight for someone who is dealing with something like this. You need to do what you see as being right for YOU. You seem to be willing to work it out, and honestly, in the end, if it doesn't, at least you know you tried the hardest you could to make things right. However, if your bond is as strong as you seem to know it is, then you will move past this with your husband.
This is not the type of thing you can just "get over", you need to deal with the entire range of feelings and emotions that will come up from it, and a therapist will help you through that, I'm sure. All the luck in the world to you