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MrsPorkChop
Twinning!!
Member since 5/05 9941 total posts
Name: Missy
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Re: Need advice
hire a PI
then show him the evidence.
also- if hes refusing counseling, and blaming YOU, then it sounds EXTREMELY fishy.
im very sorry you are going thorugh this. i really hope it turns out to be nothing ...but if it doesnt, we are here for you.
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Posted 8/20/06 7:07 AM |
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Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
Moehick
Ready for the sun!
Member since 5/05 30339 total posts
Name: Properly perfect™
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Re: Need advice
Did you do Deb's idea? How did things turn out
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Posted 8/20/06 8:21 AM |
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Melbernai
I am a lucky Momma!
Member since 7/05 15652 total posts
Name: Melissa
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Re: Need advice
I want to know how things turned out too!!
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Posted 8/20/06 8:24 AM |
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Bri
I Love You to Pieces!
Member since 5/05 9919 total posts
Name: Brianne
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Re: Need advice
Me too
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Posted 8/20/06 8:27 AM |
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worriedmrs
LIF Zygote
Member since 8/06 10 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
Posted by Moehick
Did you do Deb's idea? How did things turn out
No - I didn't do it. I was going to, but I have never in all of our years together done that (he does not work in the best area). Instead I called him and asked if he could come home ASAP because I wasn't feeling well (he knew that I was feeling sick earlier yesterday morning due to "Aunt Flo").
Needless to say, he did not come home for another 1.5 hours and when he did he was wearing something atypical for work. When I asked about it, he was like "oh, this old thing? This was at the bottom of my closet today".
Thank you all so much for all of the support. He has off from work today and we have a barbeque to go to so I will see how today goes........
Message edited 8/20/2006 8:33:26 AM.
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Posted 8/20/06 8:30 AM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
I'm so sorry you are going through this
I hate to say but it sounds like he's lining himself up to check out of this marriage, if he hasn't already emotionally. Blaming you, bringing up things from the past, all the resentment in his comments, saying he's miserable and won't go to counseling - it's just bad. I think you need to begin to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the worst case scenario which is that - you confirm that he's cheating, confront him and his reaction is basically "yes, I am, and I want a divorce".
That is not to say that there is no saving this marriage. If he is having an affair (which IMO you NEED to confirm before confronting him and I don't think it will be hard with all the clues and suspicious behavior) he may just be waiting to get caught. So you might not want to do that immediately. You might want to consider telling him - look, we have serious marital issues and we need to open the lines of communication NOW if you want to save this marriage. You need to ask him straight out - do you WANT to save this marriage?
The possibility still remains that he is not full out cheating...YET. He may just be hanging out with this woman, talking to her, etc. This is why if you confront him immediately and accuse him of the affair, he might just use it as the ultimate excuse to blame you for "everything that is wrong". If you give him the opportunity to talk and work on the issues but he refuses then you can say to him, "well, then it's not my fault...maybe if you weren't cheating on me you'd be more open to working on the marriage."
Again I am SO sorry you are going through this and I wish you strength so that you are able to handle this and work through this.
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Posted 8/20/06 8:34 AM |
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Stacey1403
Where it all began....
Member since 5/05 24065 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
Posted by BabyAvocado
I'm so sorry you are going through this
I hate to say but it sounds like he's lining himself up to check out of this marriage, if he hasn't already emotionally. Blaming you, bringing up things from the past, all the resentment in his comments, saying he's miserable and won't go to counseling - it's just bad. I think you need to begin to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the worst case scenario which is that - you confirm that he's cheating, confront him and his reaction is basically "yes, I am, and I want a divorce".
That is not to say that there is no saving this marriage. If he is having an affair (which IMO you NEED to confirm before confronting him and I don't think it will be hard with all the clues and suspicious behavior) he may just be waiting to get caught. So you might not want to do that immediately. You might want to consider telling him - look, we have serious marital issues and we need to open the lines of communication NOW if you want to save this marriage. You need to ask him straight out - do you WANT to save this marriage?
The possibility still remains that he is not full out cheating...YET. He may just be hanging out with this woman, talking to her, etc. This is why if you confront him immediately and accuse him of the affair, he might just use it as the ultimate excuse to blame you for "everything that is wrong". If you give him the opportunity to talk and work on the issues but he refuses then you can say to him, "well, then it's not my fault...maybe if you weren't cheating on me you'd be more open to working on the marriage."
Again I am SO sorry you are going through this and I wish you strength so that you are able to handle this and work through this.
I agree 100%. You need to talk to him. You can't continue to live like this
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Posted 8/20/06 9:05 AM |
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suvenR
designer mutt
Member since 5/05 4239 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
My nosey DH saw your story since I left the screen up.
He says that there's something very wrong with these phone calls and that you should NOT feel bad because you did NOT do anything to deserve your DH doing this.
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Posted 8/20/06 9:42 AM |
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LIBOUND
Texting king
Member since 10/05 5289 total posts
Name: Suzy
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Re: Need advice
First, . I'm so sorry.
I think of the you things you've said: he's acting strange, phone calls to another woman, and basically blaming you for the issues. It seems that he's trying to mask his guilt of something by attempting to turn the tables and make you think that you're the one with the issues. I don't know you and don't know if this is the case, but I've been here before with the man I thought was going to be my husband (way before I actually met my DH). They can actually manage to make you think you're the one who is causing all of the problems. There are three sides to every story..yours, his, and the truth.
I say now that your suspicions are up, take a step back and observe. Just see if this behavior of his continues, if the phone calls continue and go with your gut. I believe strongly in woman's intuition.
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Posted 8/20/06 9:52 AM |
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skew
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 6794 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
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Posted 8/20/06 11:23 AM |
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itsbabytime
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 9644 total posts
Name: Me
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Re: Need advice
OMG I am SOOOO SORRY you are going through this! I cannot imagine having to deal with this
I think you already have some "proof" as other posters have said in the phone calls. For me, my DH talking that much to a woman I do not know would be COMPLETELY unnacceptable.
In this situation, at this point, I would demand that my DH show me his cell phone bills and credit card statements for the last 6 months. It may sound harsh but, I think it is warranted. If he refused, that would be my answer. If you know his social, you could call yourself or have your brother or a male friend call and ask for the statements. If he does this stuff online, you could try to figure out the passwords. I think the paper trail is the best way to go rather than following him at work. It's what I would do for sure.
I think though, as others have said, the worst part about this is him and his "feelings" because it seems like regardless of whether he is having an affair...you guys need to get help fast! Hopefully he will agree to counseling with you.
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Posted 8/20/06 11:42 AM |
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LAMGAJ28
.
Member since 10/05 6039 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
Posted by BabyAvocado
I'm so sorry you are going through this
I hate to say but it sounds like he's lining himself up to check out of this marriage, if he hasn't already emotionally. Blaming you, bringing up things from the past, all the resentment in his comments, saying he's miserable and won't go to counseling - it's just bad. I think you need to begin to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the worst case scenario which is that - you confirm that he's cheating, confront him and his reaction is basically "yes, I am, and I want a divorce".
That is not to say that there is no saving this marriage. If he is having an affair (which IMO you NEED to confirm before confronting him and I don't think it will be hard with all the clues and suspicious behavior) he may just be waiting to get caught. So you might not want to do that immediately. You might want to consider telling him - look, we have serious marital issues and we need to open the lines of communication NOW if you want to save this marriage. You need to ask him straight out - do you WANT to save this marriage?
The possibility still remains that he is not full out cheating...YET. He may just be hanging out with this woman, talking to her, etc. This is why if you confront him immediately and accuse him of the affair, he might just use it as the ultimate excuse to blame you for "everything that is wrong". If you give him the opportunity to talk and work on the issues but he refuses then you can say to him, "well, then it's not my fault...maybe if you weren't cheating on me you'd be more open to working on the marriage."
Again I am SO sorry you are going through this and I wish you strength so that you are able to handle this and work through this.
I couldn't agree more with this statement. I think you need to sit down and talk with him and suggest marriage counseling just to see his reaction. Ask him specifics about what have you done to make this marriage difficult for him. Maybe this will open up the lines for you two to talk about what's going on. If I were you, I'd never admit that you searched his cell phone. Have a conversation first and then if this is not fruitful, hire a PI. Once you have the proofs that you need, you can confront him. I also think that you should NEVER give up what you want in life or your dreams. Like someone mentioned, marriage is about compromise...finding that middle ground if both want different things but making it work if both parties are happy. There is a website that gives you the name and address of the person and how old they are. You can buy the records but you can view it address and age without buying anything. I think it's Zabasearch.com. I pray that God gives you the courage to deal with this situation...the wisdom to understand and sort through your feelings and the calmness to deal with this. As far as this woman is concerned, I'd not call her or look for her. After all, you have a relationship with your husband and not with her. Speak with him first and then go the other route of investigation if he's not willing to open up for you. Best of luck and tons of It's really a though situation considering that you are dealing not only with your emotions but also with whom you thought was always going to respect you and love you. But don't think it's the end of the world either and don't blame yourself. You have respected your vows(assumming he hasn't) and being true to what you both committed. Every situation has a solution(even though it may not the be the one we'd like at the moment) but it turns out later on that it is the best one. Hang in there.
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Posted 8/20/06 11:43 AM |
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SweetestOfPeas
J'taime Paris!
Member since 3/06 32345 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
First, I am so sorry this is happening
If he's refusing to go to counseling, I would consider hiring a PI. if you can catch him "red handed", you would have the upper hand.
good luck to you!
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Posted 8/20/06 11:53 AM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name: Jennifer
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Re: Need advice
I just want to send you some and and I really do have an AWESOME, compassionate, wonderful P.I to recommend if you need it. We had photos and video within a few days. He'll get you an answer.
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Posted 8/20/06 1:05 PM |
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Kidsaplenty
Sister love
Member since 2/06 5971 total posts
Name: Stephanie
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Re: Need advice
First of all, if I were you, the first thing I'd do is hire a private investigator. I think your husband is cheating, but once you have more evidence at least you will know how to proceed. You can then decide if you want to work things out or get separated, divorced. Also, since NY doesn't have no fault divorces, you would need evidence if the reason you file is for infidelity. Secondly, if you do not use condoms, stop having sex with him! You don't know what he might be doing with this mystery lady, and if he doesn't use protection with her you are at risk for STDs. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Posted 8/20/06 1:13 PM |
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Moehick
Ready for the sun!
Member since 5/05 30339 total posts
Name: Properly perfect™
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Re: Need advice
Just want to send you some ...I know today must be tough being around him with all the unanswered questions in your head...hopefully you will find the answers soon
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Posted 8/20/06 1:32 PM |
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worriedmrs
LIF Zygote
Member since 8/06 10 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
Posted by greeneyes361708
First of all, if I were you, the first thing I'd do is hire a private investigator. I think your husband is cheating, but once you have more evidence at least you will know how to proceed. You can then decide if you want to work things out or get separated, divorced. Also, since NY doesn't have no fault divorces, you would need evidence if the reason you file is for infidelity. Secondly, if you do not use condoms, stop having sex with him! You don't know what he might be doing with this mystery lady, and if he doesn't use protection with her you are at risk for STDs. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Funny you should say this because this was one of my first clues something was seriously wrong... he completely stopped being intimate with me. He won't even hold my hand, kiss me, and he has gotten out of bed to sleep in our spare bedroom a couple of nights because I have tried to "make the move" and he needed to sleep. This has been going on for the past month, but as I said in my first post, in the beginning I was attributing it to stress because of our financial situation...
Thank you so much for all of your FMs and support. I will keep you updated on what happens. I think I am going to call the PI tomorrow.
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Posted 8/20/06 1:55 PM |
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NewYawkah
2012--A year of new beginnings
Member since 5/05 4402 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
I am so sorry. Many hugs and prayers to you!!!
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Posted 8/20/06 2:01 PM |
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JenniferEver
The Disney Lady
Member since 5/05 18163 total posts
Name: Jennifer
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Re: Need advice
That's a little weird, going to the spare bedroo just cause you made a ove? why not just sya no? why go to another room? I'm so sorry, it seems like everything's really going wrong... lots of red flags
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Posted 8/20/06 2:06 PM |
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ggt08
;)
Member since 5/05 5208 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
Posted by worriedmrs
Posted by greeneyes361708
First of all, if I were you, the first thing I'd do is hire a private investigator. I think your husband is cheating, but once you have more evidence at least you will know how to proceed. You can then decide if you want to work things out or get separated, divorced. Also, since NY doesn't have no fault divorces, you would need evidence if the reason you file is for infidelity. Secondly, if you do not use condoms, stop having sex with him! You don't know what he might be doing with this mystery lady, and if he doesn't use protection with her you are at risk for STDs. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Funny you should say this because this was one of my first clues something was seriously wrong... he completely stopped being intimate with me. He won't even hold my hand, kiss me, and he has gotten out of bed to sleep in our spare bedroom a couple of nights because I have tried to "make the move" and he needed to sleep. This has been going on for the past month, but as I said in my first post, in the beginning I was attributing it to stress because of our financial situation...
Thank you so much for all of your FMs and support. I will keep you updated on what happens. I think I am going to call the PI tomorrow.
i am so sorry you are going through this. you need to go with your gut and something is seriously WRONG here. unfortunately i had experienced something similar to this and it was the same signs your husband shows...I thin you already know that in your heart but if I were in your shoes, I would want concrete proof.
DO NOT COMPROMISE yourself and make it like its your fault. He is the one blaming you for everything.. ITS WRONG!!! Marriage is a two way street.... You should not live your life FOR your husband. It hsould be with him....Good luck!!!!!!!
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Posted 8/20/06 2:12 PM |
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TheInfamousOTG
Waiting for Lil' M....
Member since 5/05 3468 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
Posted by kdelace
Posted by worriedmrs
Posted by greeneyes361708
First of all, if I were you, the first thing I'd do is hire a private investigator. I think your husband is cheating, but once you have more evidence at least you will know how to proceed. You can then decide if you want to work things out or get separated, divorced. Also, since NY doesn't have no fault divorces, you would need evidence if the reason you file is for infidelity. Secondly, if you do not use condoms, stop having sex with him! You don't know what he might be doing with this mystery lady, and if he doesn't use protection with her you are at risk for STDs. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Funny you should say this because this was one of my first clues something was seriously wrong... he completely stopped being intimate with me. He won't even hold my hand, kiss me, and he has gotten out of bed to sleep in our spare bedroom a couple of nights because I have tried to "make the move" and he needed to sleep. This has been going on for the past month, but as I said in my first post, in the beginning I was attributing it to stress because of our financial situation...
Thank you so much for all of your FMs and support. I will keep you updated on what happens. I think I am going to call the PI tomorrow.
i am so sorry you are going through this. you need to go with your gut and something is seriously WRONG here. unfortunately i had experienced something similar to this and it was the same signs your husband shows...I thin you already know that in your heart but if I were in your shoes, I would want concrete proof.
DO NOT COMPROMISE yourself and make it like its your fault. He is the one blaming you for everything.. ITS WRONG!!! Marriage is a two way street.... You should not live your life FOR your husband. It hsould be with him....Good luck!!!!!!!
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Posted 8/20/06 2:21 PM |
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gni1125
LIF Infant
Member since 7/06 246 total posts
Name: Irene
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Re: Need advice
I'm very sorry you are going through this. This is no way is your fault. An unhappy marriage is a result of two people not one. All the signs seem to be there and his behavior in general would be enough to alarm anyone. I suggest you either hire a PI or do some serious snooping on your own. I wish you all the best
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Posted 8/20/06 6:34 PM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name: Diana
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Re: Need advice
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I have a very similar situation that happened in my family to my cousins' wife's sister.
Her husband was acting shady, working late, mysteriously getting phone calls that he would either not answer or walk away from her when he did. She decided to get a hold of his cell phone records and saw that there were hundreds of calls made to one specific number. These calls lasted for hours at a time. They were at weird times also.
She called the girl - this hoochie mama admitted to it - saying - "Your husband is my boyfriend!!!!!" - This girl has a young son with this a$$hole. He admitted to everything. They are now seperated and getting a divorce.
My advice to you - is please be careful and trust your gut because it's almost always right. I personally don't know how I would handle not flipping out on my DH - but I think that if you can get the concrete evidence beforehand that would be your way to go.
I am so sorry!!!!
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Posted 8/20/06 7:15 PM |
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skew
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 6794 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice
just checking in to see how you are doing.
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Posted 8/20/06 9:42 PM |
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MommaG
Yay Spring!
Member since 5/05 5133 total posts
Name: Gloria
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Re: Need advice
Having been in your situation, I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately for me, I was right. Only you know what you should do as you know how he will react. Accusing him won't get you anywhere - it will just make him defensive. Communication is key, and he doesn't seem to be willing to discuss this with you. Even if he won't go to counseling with you, you should go on your own. No matter the outcome, this situation is difficult to deal with alone.
You do need to sit down with him and have a serious talk. Don't take all the blame because as a previous poster said, it takes two. He may have given up things he wanted, but no one made him do it. He made those choices and shouldn't hold that over your head. No matter what else you do, do not move out of that house. You stay put and try to figure things out with him. Sorry to say, but from what you've said, it seems like he already checked out of this relationship or at the very least is giving up. You need to get to the bottom of this because things will just get worse if you let them sit. Whatever happens, you can handle it and will be a stronger person for it. FM if you need to talk - good luck!!!
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Posted 8/20/06 10:42 PM |
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