Need advice.. how do you tell your 5 year old to deal with a "mean girl"

We see this couple almost every weekend in the summer bc they have a cabana next to us. The couple is more friendly with my dh brother so we see them at functions at his house maybe 3-5 times a year. Their little girl is a few months older than my dd( 5) and she is MEAN! She does things like ignores my dd when she is speaking to her. We went to a party at this kids house for her birthday/ housewarming party and a few weeks after my dd says remember at your party and the girl says " You werent at my party" and my dd is so innocent and says yes remember.... and tells her an incident that happened and the kid just goes on and on how she wasnt there. And yes the kid remembers my dd was there, she is being a mean girl. Last night on NYE we knew they would be at the party and we brought a dessert that had pb in it. The little girl has an allergy but is very good about not eating stuff without asking whats in it and I was sure to tell the mom. We told my dd listen Molly( fake name) cant have the dessert bc she can ed up in the hospital if she eats pb. She turns to me and says I dont want molly to feel bad so i wont eat the dessert either. This is how my dd is, she thinks of others an is very compasionate and very sensitive. So last night they were singing kareoke. My dd molly and dd two cousins. Two couisns were sharing a mic. Molly had a mic and my dd was crying bc she wouldnt share it. Dh kept sayig to her be assertive and make her share( this girl is an on going issue and we have told dd dont be mean but be assertive) so finally as my dd sits next to molly sobbing, and molly could care less that she is crying. My bil says Molly share thw mic or I am taking it away. Molly looks up at bil like" yeah ok" and turns around, so he goes to grab it form her. Molly says ok fine and shares.I go upstairs. Dh and bil were with the kids. Two minutes later dd comes upstairs hysterical. She said molly told her her breath stinks. I have to say that i was holding back tears bc my dd says "I just want to be her friend and all she does is be mean to my, why mommy , why? ( I am crying now as I type this). So she calms down we go back downstairs and it was late anyway so we get ready to leave. DD gives hugs to both her couisns and waves to Molly. Molly says HEY SHE DIDNT GVE ME A HUG. I said well maybe she is a little upset with you bc of what happened.She goes "oh well" and turns around to watch tv. We try to tell dd dont ever be mean to anyone but if someone acts like that you are not their friend and dont be mean back but stick up for yourself, dont cry and dont let them see you cry. I was just like this as a kid and i do not want her to be that way. How do yu instill that self confidence and attitude of if someone is mean just walk away. It seriously is eating me up inside. TIA

Message edited 1/1/2012 10:01:23 AM.

Re: Need advice.. how do you tell your 5 year old to deal with a "mean girl"

Oh my goodness, this breaks my heart, I can't believe how mean some kids can be at such a young age!
My DD is also a very sensitive and sweet kid, last year she went to PK for the first time and there was a mean girl she had to deal with, she cried every day bc of this girl. But this year she seems to have toughened up a bit.
I think part of it is that she is a bit older now and also bc we spoke to her a lot about situations like this and how to handle them over the summer. We keep telling her she is beautiful, she is smart, she is sweet and no matter what anyone says to her she should not let it bother her, she should stand up for herself but never be mean back, never hit.... We tell her if someone is mean -verbally first she walks away, if it happens again she tells us or her teacher, if someone pushes her or hits her then she tells the teacher or us right away. That she doesn't hit back, she doesn't insult anyone by calling them names , but just ignore them. We tell her she is a better person if she just walks away and if it's a situation where she can't walk away then try your best to ignore the mean kid.
One thing I want to share : last summer we were watching little Bill it was an episode where a boy is mean to LB and he doesn't know how to handle it so he asks his father, the father says if someone says something mean to you you just say "so?!" and the mean person doesn't know what to say back, if they say another mean thing again you say so? and just walk away.... I really liked the idea so I told DD she should do this, I swear it worked, she did it few times with couple of kids and it worked.
Just last week a girl in her PK was mean to her, so my DD said so? and the other girl said "so nothing" and walked away almost shocked bc she didn't know what to say back to my DD (I was there , it was the Xmas party)
The teacher also heard my DD say to another kid -who told my DD she is a boy bc she likes to play with boys- "I'm not a boy, I am gorgeous, I'm smart and I'm tall and now leave me alone" and the kid just left her alone.
I'm not really sure what the right thing to do is, but whatever we are doing seems to be working for us/my DD.

Re: Need advice.. how do you tell your 5 year old to deal with a "mean girl"

That is so sad I think you are doing the right thing by telling her not to cry. My ds is kind of like your dd, very innocent. He started school in sept and some of the stuff he says is so nasty, we have to work on it. it upsets me to think these things are being said to him (one day he told me no one likes me!)

Can you speak with the girls parents next time you see them? I would say I think it's best they don't play together for now. Tell your dd to play with her cousins or other kids that are there

Re: Need advice.. how do you tell your 5 year old to deal with a "mean girl"

I also wonder where the mean kids parents are when something like this happens, do they correct her? Do they know she is so mean?
I would be mortified if my DD was mean to another kid like this , I would be so thankful if another parent let me know my kid is being mean (in case I wasn't aware of it) and we would do everything to stop the kind of behavior.

Re: Need advice.. how do you tell your 5 year old to deal with a "mean girl"

The mean girl mentality starts earlier and earlier sadly.

The only thing I can recommend is to model what you expect your DD to do/say. ALWAYS be respectful of others and try to make every moment a teachable moment. Today maybe have a talk with your DD about how Molly's actions made her feel. Explain that this is why we should always try to include others and share because we don't want others to feel that way. I'd probably also tell her that Molly has a heart that's 10 sizes too small and that God doesn't like her.

I've witnessed this type of behavior in my DDs pre-k class. And once got to watch my DD take part in excluding another child simply because that day's "queen bee" decided to. Believe me, that afternoon we had a talk about purposely not playing with everyone and how that hurts a person's heart. I pray that it got through to her.

I'm so sorry that brat made your DD feel badly. I have to be honest though, I'm not sure pushing her to "be assertive" is the way to go either. If your DD is sensitive, being pressured to speak up might not be the best thing.

Re: Need advice.. how do you tell your 5 year old to deal with a "mean girl"

Thanks everyone. Parents were upstairs chatting and taking care of their two year old who is a doll... Go figure. Lol It's just so sad when this girl walks in she is happy to see her and its like she tries so hard to get Molly to like her. My dd is very friendly and outgoing just not assertive and very sensitive.