Need advice/thoughts/opinions (long)

A little background: my parents are Jewish, and I was raised Jewish. DH's parents are Catholic but are not practicing at all (they haven't been to church since 9/11). DH and I are both agnostic, have been since long before we met, and have agreed to raise our children agnostic.

My mother told me that she wanted to buy DD her first piece of jewelry. She mentioned either a Chai or a Chamsa (which is shaped like a hand, it has roots in Islam but has very deep meaning for Jews as well). Before discussing it with my DH (which is my own fault, I fully admit that) I told her that I would prefer she get the Chamsa because for me, it has a spiritual and not a religious meaning.

When I discussed it with DH, he said that he sees the Chamsa as being a religious symbol and he compared it to DD wearing a cross. While I don't necessarily agree, I understand his reasoning and can also see that other people could view it the same way.

I called my mother and told her that after discussing it, we decided we did not want DD to have a Chamsa and we hoped she could find something else. My mother disagreed with "our" reasoning and compared the Chamsa to the Italian horn (of which I do not know the meaning of at all). I reiterated to her that this is what we had decided, and that was that. I could tell she was VERY irritated.

My parents have known since before DH and I even got engaged that we would be raising our children agnostic. They have never, ever given me grief about it, never made a snide comment, nothing. We celebrate all the big Jewish holidays with them and the Christian holidays with my ILs and it's never been an issue - my parents even joined us at the ILs for Christmas Day this year.

I feel terrible right now, very guilty, that I am allowing my mother to make me feel badly for siding with my husband. I don't want this to become an issue in the future. Obviously from now on, anything remotely religious will be discussed with DH first and foremost...

I don't even know what I am looking for, I am just upset with my mother for making me feel bad, like I am rejecting her religion or something.

Re: Need advice/thoughts/opinions (long)

I don't know what advice to give, just that I know how you feel - My Mom is Jewish, my siblings and I were raised with no religion at all and I chose to get married in DH's church. My Jewish Gma almost didn't come....religion is hard to deal with when it comes to your kids but you just have to feel like you are making the decisions and choices that YOU and DH want to make together, regardless of what other people think.

Re: Need advice/thoughts/opinions (long)

LB-like my mother said-you are the parent, you make choices. And trust me, it is never easy. I agree that the Chamsa is not really a religious symbol, but I can see where DH is coming from as well. How about the Tree of Life? It really doesn't mean much either.

Don't think this is an intermarriage thing-we have just as many problems being 100% Jewish-like the baby naming I am dreading, since we are giving Sienna Jeff's grandmother's Hebrew name and this is my parent's first grandchild You have to stand by your choices as a parent. Grandma will get over it!

Re: Need advice/thoughts/opinions (long)

Its a hard path to take. I know.. I've been agnostic for a long time.

While I do wear a cross (Cuz its pretty) I get flack for being a hypocrite (ironic don't you think?)

Agnostic isn't something that has set rules and guidelines. Its up to the individual how far they want to exclude other religions. Some won't even celebrate certain holidays and other will out of respect of the peaceful meanings of them.

Unfortunately since it is such a wide open territory, outsiders can fall victim to being confused or hurt by decisions made. There's really no right answer so its hard for them to anticipate reactions.

I guess a heart to heart talk and apology would help. I have a lot with my Dad who often misunderstands my intents. If nothing else it instills more understanding in my religious decisions and my personal choices with my own form of agnosticism. The more you talk about it the more they can somewhat understand.

Good Luck

Re: Need advice/thoughts/opinions (long)

Have you explained the significance to your DH, and explained its not religious like a cross? I can understand where he is coming from to a certain extent. I'm not sure what nationality you are but you may be able to link it to something he understands, you mentioned the italian horn, what about the irish claddaugh? I honestly do not know what a Chamsa is, so its hard to decipher.

This is a very hard situation to be in, my parents went through it with both my grandparents, as they raised us in a non-religious household, but were raised catholic themselves.

Re: Need advice/thoughts/opinions (long)

Anything related to religion is hard. I'm Jewish, raised Reformed, DH is Catholic. We will be having a christening and hebrew naming, I told my aprents up front about it - while not happy, they've accepted it - do I still feel guilty, absolutely. My mom is getting a mezuzah for the baby's room - she actually reminded me that if I get one, DH may want a cross up - not sure how I feel about that, but its kinda part of what we agreed upon. All of these decisions are not easy and unfortunately, probably not full of guilt in some way or another - BUT you have to do waht you and DH want, you're the parents and some decisions may be easy, some may not be. to you though - trust you and DH.

Re: Need advice/thoughts/opinions (long)

This is a decision that you and DH have made and she should respect that. She probably didn't mean any harm, but if she is trying to buy something like that for DD, then she obviously has it in the back of her mind. There are a million other things that she could buy her.

Try not to feel bad about it. You're mom will get over it.

Re: Need advice/thoughts/opinions (long)

You shouldnt feel guilty. It sounds like it is more of a religious symbol. There are so many other things that come to mind when I think of getting a little girl jewelry like a heart, birthstone, initial. She will get over it.

Re: Need advice/thoughts/opinions (long)

Posted by babybug631

This is a decision that you and DH have made and she should respect that. She probably didn't mean any harm, but if she is trying to buy something like that for DD, then she obviously has it in the back of her mind. There are a million other things that she could buy her.

Try not to feel bad about it. You're mom will get over it.