OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG) *UPDATE IN FIRST POST* -8/2

And from a female perspective, I need some insight into the female mind, as to why a co-worker is upset with me.

I have a female co-worker, who I am friendly with.

Let me stop there and dissauge any immediate red flags:

- I am happily married
- She is engaged to be married
- We only speak to each other at work - there are no after-hour calls or anything. No flirtation. It is purely a plutonic relationship.

Anyway, like most women planning their wedding, want their day to be the most special day ever. I get that.

She sent us an invitation to her wedding and it is out of town around Labor Day. We can't make it, and she knows the reason why and understands, or so she says. We will still send a gift.

Over the course of our friendship, she's met Boosh two times. Let me repeat - two times. We went out with her and her fiancee once. So, while her and I are friendly, Boosh and her fiancee don't really add into the equation.

Being that Boosh hardly knows this girl, we were surprised when Boosh received an invitation to the bridal shower. The shower was a good 50 miles from our place, and she'd know absolutely no one. In fact, she barely knows the bride. She felt very uncomfortable and out of place, especially since this girl is technically "my" friend" and I wasn't gonna be there.

So, she declined, and we sent a gift.

The shower was this past Saturday.

So, the girl comes in yesterday and doesn't talk to me all day. Which is odd. I knew when the shower was and I knew she'd come in gushing about how wonderful it was.

Nothing.

Around mid-morning, she sends me an email:

"I guess you couldn't make the bridal shower either"

And she hasn't talked to me since.

We've emailed each other and had a written discussion, but nothing verbal.

I told her the truth as to why Boosh didn't come. I didn't want to lie and create a BS reason. We appreciated the invite. Boosh just didn't fit in.

She told me that aside from family, only 3 friends showed up and she was very hurt.

OK - I get that. If I had some good friends and they didn't show up, I'd be upset.

But somehow, Boosh, who has met her TWICE, gets lumped in with the rest of the friends that didn't show up. And I just don't think that's fair, because the relationship is not on the same level. Even this girl's friendship with me is limited. We talk - AT WORK. There's no extended friendship there at all.

I told her to be on the lookout for a delivery from us, and she was like "I don't care about presents." Which I found to be a little rude, but whatever.

I told her I understood why she was upset that some of her good friends no-showed, but that I didn't think it was fair for Boosh to be included in that group. She said, that Boosh was invited because of me. Still don't understand.

So, the package arrived at her place yesterday. She comes in today - thanks me for like 2 seconds, doesn't look at me and sulks out of my office. She looked like she was about to cry when she thanked me, like she really didn't want to talk to me, but had to because we sent a gift. From the way she looked, I could tell she had been crying before she came in.

She told me she wasn't upset with ME, but the overall situation and just wanted to be left alone. Fine, but today, she's talked to everyone BUT ME, so obviously she's still hurt specifically at me.

Now, I'm also invited to her fiancee's bachelor party. Same situation. I met the guy once. I know no one and am not inclined to go. But, I don't want a repeat of this.

Help me decipher the female psyche please.

I don't understand where we did anything wrong, or how what we did would make her THAT upset.

-------------------------------------------------------

8/2

Well, you all were 100% right. She came to me today and started joking around like nothing was wrong. So, I asked her if we were cool. And she said, she was upset at the overall situation, and since I was the only one who she had direct access to, she took it out on me.

She said she wasn't that upset at us, but really upset at the whole situation, and I was the closest one nearby.

So, all is right with the world again.

Thanks all

Message edited 8/2/2007 4:27:58 PM.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

I don't think it's the female psyche as much as your friend being a little needy.
Does she have many female friends?
Maybe she was hoping to turn you two into "couple friends"?

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Why would she say this:
"I guess you couldn't make the bridal shower either"

Was this a shower where men & woman were invited? If not, I would not expect a man to show up to my shower. Regardless of how friendly we are. I'm sure it has to do more with how many people didn't show up and not that you didn't show.

Message edited 8/1/2007 1:53:50 PM.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

hmmmm im going through a rough wedding process especially with my shower
almost all my close friends and more than have the family have declined

I am upset at them but would not if a coworker declined.

She might just be upset at the whole situation and not just you but shes being a child by taking it out on you

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

she has some misplaced resentment about her shower and it taking it out on you....I would not lose sleep over it, she sounds a little nutty, IMHO

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

You were her vent out. She is stressed and you caught it. Did you deserve it...no but you got it. I flipped on everyone before the wedding. I think she is upset at her freinds and family and you just caught the wrath. I would not have gone either. I can see DW being uncomfortable, I wouldnt blame you for not going the BP. It's just a very stressful time.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Although I don't know you as well as others on this board, my opinion on the matter based on what you wrote, you're doing the right thing. You sent a gift for the shower and intent on sending one for the wedding, which, although not required, is appreciated!

The bride to be needs to calm down - she shouldn't be getting upset over things like this so close to the nuptials. There's more to be concerned over.

And I would skip the bachelor party for the reasons you stated - these things are meant for close friends/family.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

There's just no rationalizing with a bride-to-be.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

That sounds like PMS or bridal PMS. I don't think there is much you can do about it. She will get over it, I would imagine but if she doesn't than she needs the help, not you.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

ok- I read the whole thing

I don't get it

I actually have a wedding of a co-worker that same weekend- a guy-

we have lunch together in a group everyday-

but I have not been invited to the shower- I never met his FW

and I would think it was weird if Jake was invited to the Bach party

I don't understand this one- sorry

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

I've been invited to showers where I considered myself to be quite a "stretch" so to speak. Then I realized that I was expected to be my DH's representative. So, if I didn't show, it was like HE didn't care about the upcoming nuptuals.

I, myself, was extremely selective when giving my shower list to my mother. Probably too selective- rumor has it that 2 or 3 women were surprised to NOT be invited.

But, IMO, it seems to be common place for EVERY female on the wedding list to be invited to the shower.

Boosh was obviously expected to be your rep at the shower. I personally don't agree with the theory, but it sounds like that's where your work buddy is coming from.

She'll get over it. Just leave her alone until she initiates a conversation with you.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

You're nicer than me because I would have responded with a "get a grip' statement - she is taking this out on the wrong person and I would tell her that.

Message edited 8/1/2007 1:56:46 PM.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

She must not have many friends, or perhaps she considers you a 'close' friend based solely on your work relationship. I am always surprised when people I consider acquaintenances at best refer to me as their close friend. I think 'friendship' means different things to different people.

I think you were more than thoughtful, and she is being completely unrealistic. Good luck - she seems like a bit of a basketcase.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Posted by QuoteTheRaven424

i have enough to deal with, having a crankpot at home, i don't need it at work

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

I think she is taking a lot of other resentment out on you. It stinks that her shower wasn't what she hoped for but I think she's wrong to treat you this way.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Posted by Superkat

Posted by QuoteTheRaven424

i have enough to deal with, having a crankpot at home, i don't need it at work

I hope you don't mean Boosh.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

I think the pp is correct. She might also just be upset because only three friends made an appearance at her shower and she was embarassed.

My DH and I once went to a wedding where we were the ONLY friends to come. Everyone else in attendance was related to either the bride or the groom. It was definately an odd feeling so I know what Boosh was thinking when she declined the shower invite. I will say that we have actually become closer friends to the couple. I think the girl is just having some probs because she may not have that many friends rsvping yes to the wedding.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)

Message edited 8/1/2007 2:00:35 PM.

Re: OK, I'm just not getting it....(LONG)