Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

Recently I have unfortunately had 2 negative encounters with other people's kids. One was a stranger and the other a very old friend's child. Both left me feeling afterward like I should have done more or said something to stick up for my child, but bygones be bygones... I want to learn from the encounters and am asking everyone for input as to how to handle such situations. My DD tends to be very passive and if another child steals a toy she just takes the "bullying", I get annoyed.

#1: Took my 17 month old to gymnastics class. A boy in her class (under 24 months) came right up to her and just out of nowhere for no reason PUSHED my DD. I just said to the boy "no, no". The dad sits there and says the same. The boy didn't stop so I picked up my DD and he picked up his son and he said "we don't want to push little girsl". To me, I though the dad should have said we don't push, end of story. I find it absurd the focus that still exists today on gender when it comes to kids. This toddler probably cannot differentiate and even if he could, my DD is sporting a very short hair cut... even some less thoughtful adults have asked me about my son. As much as I hate that, I also understand the pixie cut does look a little boyish. However, I just thought the other parent should have just said we don't push, and like I do w/ DD even offer a different activity. DD used to bite, I told her "we don't bite, we kiss" and whenever she gets that urge (you can tell) she'll refocus her energy and kiss. He could say clap or hug or something more positive with hands. I'm not trying to sound like the child behavior expert, and I'm sure some kids have more ability to control impulses than others, but I was a bit taken aback I guess that my child was pushed for no apparent reason and that the father was not FURIOUS with his child for acting so aggressively with another child - boy or girl. If after my nephew is born if I were watching him and some kid came over and pushed him I'd be just as p*ssed off as I am that my DD was pushed. Anyway, how do other handle this?

#2: Recently was at a party at my mom's house, I brought my 17 month old and DH watched our 3 month old. At the party was a very old and close friend's 2 kids. One kid was 5 years and the other 3. The 5 year old was a gem. The 3 year old was not so sweet, especially to my DD. She grabbed toys out of DD's hand, accused my DD of hitting her (when my BIL said that my DD lost her balance and grabbed hold of the other child). This child also kept annoying my DD with pinching and such and when my DD even touched her to hold her hand the other kid schreaked away and was clearly aggitated. So I said to her after she pinched my DD's face - "how would you like it if she did that to you" and she said "I like it, I like it". I know she was just being fresh and some kids go through terrible 3's, but you may be wondering - where was her mom? Answer: socializing in another room. Yes, I was left with my DD and her 2 kids. I was so tired and annoyed I actually removed all the toys I brought - even from DD b/c the 3 year old just could not begin to understand how to share. I overheard her say to the 5 y.o. "G's mommy is mean". How do you address these things?

Maybe this is all me and my fault. I do try to manage my expectations of other toddlers. I when my DD bit we didn't just sweetly say oh honey please don't bite. We were very firm and as soon as the doc says we can, we will enforce time outs for bad behavior. I know you have to choose your battles but to me, throwing clothes on the floor is not time out worthy, pushing ANY other child or person in general absolutely is. I would have said to DD, if you cannot be nice you will not be staying for gymnastics class today... and most importantly followed through even if it meant losing the class. Anyway, enough of how I'd discipline, how do I manage parents, how do I teach my 17 month old to stand her ground without being aggressive herself. She is a very sharing kid, just her nature I guess, but I hate when I see another kid grab out of her hand and she just stands there or looks to me. She's a nice child and I hate hate hate to say this, but I almost fear "too nice". I'm admittedly a BAD role model... I tend to let others step all over me and I know how painful that can be and don't want her to have to deal with that. I always think of a great "come-back" hours after a situation, after it's brewed in me for too long. But b/c I can't think up anything to say at the moment I dwell on it. Any advice? I want my DD to have great social encounters but also have to say, I'm the last of my friends to have kids, so most are older than my kids. I can't avoid inviting close friends b/c of there kids to family events. Again, I could use some suggestions. If I'm out of line, I appologize.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

The first one I think you are over reacting to - the father did address it, but just not as strongly as you wanted him to.

The second one, I probably would have taken the toys to the area where the kids mom was and let them play in front of her. That way she could see them and intervene when necessary.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

You cannot control how other people raise their children. I would stop expecting parents to react the way you think they should. I don't think there was any danger involved so I wouldn't think much of either incident.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

Okay, good to know.

I honestly wasn't sure and I was a bit stressed out that my child was picked on twice in one week. That's all.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

Maybe I'm not understanding both situations fully, but honestly, I would say try to let it go in both cases. I think maybe your expectations of these children are a little high. Kids push, sometimes for no apparent reason and sometimes out of the blue. My son is pretty gentle, but I have seen him push kids, especially if they are blocking him or take his toy. I'm sorry the father's comment about pushing girls was offensive, but I wouldn't overanalyze it. He most likely did not think it through--you know how busy and frazzled you can get with kids, he probably said the first thing that came to mind. At least he intervened--I see parents who do nothing when this happens.

As for the second situation, I would have walked in the other room and told the mother what was going on instead of removing all toys. Her child isn't that young, I don't think it was awful if she left the room briefly to chat with someone else, especially since other adults were in the room. Or try to get both of them to play together somehow, maybe using blocks, pushing a car back and forth, or play with a ball.

I guess in both cases, I think you need to relax about what other children will do and let your DC learn to deal with them on her own gradually. Yes intervene if a much older kid is pushing her around or taking her toys and the other parent is doing nothing. But I do think they need to learn to be with other kids without a large amount of adult intervention to some degree.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

for the first situation, i understand your feelings but i think you're reading a bit too much into it. like Lauren said, eh did discipline, just not how you wanted him to - there's nothing you can do or could have done differently.

as for the 2nd situation, i would have removed my DD from that room if the 3 yr old was being that aggressive towards her. again, you can't control what other parents do, but the main thing is to teach your DD good behaviors - i think it's fine to say things to the 3 yr old like "we don't pinch" etc... and redirect, since obviously you can't discipline her with a time out. that's just modeling positive behavior for your DD. and i probably would have said something to your friend, since she wasn't in the room, she probably didn't know what was going on. it's entirely possible that the 3 yr old is "bullied" by the 5 yr old at home and was testing out what she sees on your DD!

and at age 3 and 5 i don't think it was a horrible thing that the mom wasn't in the room the whole time, BUT i am new at this and could be very wrong

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

The gymnastics thing I thing you are over reacting about. The father did exactly what he should have done- he reprimanded his son. Did he use your choice of words? No. But he did correct his son.

I think once your child becomes one of those kids- and believe me she likely will, you won't know how you'll react until faced with it. My eldest has always been a passive child and stood by while other kids took her things. Until she turned 27 months old. Now we're dealing with a more strong willed temperament, which at times leaves me at a loss but is apparently typical. Consistency is key and she gets time-outs for: hitting (and all variations of) as well as spitting (yup- she spits when she's frustrated. Not AT anyone, she just spits). At playdates if she refuses to share, she is redirected. If she pushes, she is reprimanded, told not to push. If she does it again, she's removed from the situation and gets a time-out.

Under the age of 3 children don't have empathy, so teaching sharing is really a modeled behavior. Most 3 years olds are just learning to "be nice" so you can't expect it to stick all the time. In the case of your friend, she should have been in the room.

As for managing expectations of others kids, you'll see as your DD gets older that your expectations will change. You handled the situation fine- your responsibility is to YOUR child.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

First of all .

It can be hard when we see other people (even little people) not treat our children with the love and respect that we do.

You cannot control other people, their children, or how other people discipline their children.

What worked for me, was if I don't like the way that one of my children are being treated, I try to remove them from the situation. I don't mean leave, but maybe move on to a different toy or another child who may be a better suited playmate for them.

Don't let these things upset you.

Message edited 10/19/2009 2:27:21 PM.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

I don't think I did a good job of explaining everything, but didn't want to be even more wordy than I was anyway. I too see nothing wrong with a mom socializing for a few minutes but I became the party babysitter, my own bad I realize now. There was no room in the rooms the other mom was in. My p's set up one room for the kids, hard to explain, but in the future, I'll take her upstairs or just say to my friend... you know what, I don't think our kids are playing well together b/c of the age difference, would you mind helping me so that if there are any problems you can adress your's and I can address mine.

Thank you all though... I'm so new at this and trust me, I know I have no right to judge... I just wanted to know how others saw it. I truly didn't mean to come off badly. Thank you for the advice to just let it go. I hope we can teach DD confidence... I guess she's still young though and probably realizes she smaller than the other kids.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

I have a 15 months old DD and I would feel the same way you do. Both situation would p$ss me off. Judging from other moms' responses, I think that once our kids get older and we get more used to the interaction between these little ones, we will relax a bit and not let it get to us too much. But I will be 100% honest and say that seeing my DD get pushed, pinched or whatever would totally make my blood boil...

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

I don't think the #1 father did anything that wrong. Maybe next time he'll say hit, maybe he was just shocked that his DS hit that he said "girls". Teaching not to hit is hard - you can't hit them and say we don't hit. If it continued, he may have done something additional.

The second one - I think the other mother should have been keeping a closer eye on her kid. I would have told the other mother after 2-3 times that her daughter kept hitting/pinching your dd and you asked her to stop. See how she reacted and take it from there.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

The first one is annoying but I don't think there's much more you could have done. If that's the guy's parenting style, you can't do anything about it, removing your daughter from the situation is about all you can do.

The second one, I would have removed my child from the situation. I have a three and six year old, there are times when we are at parties that they are in another room playing and I am not watching their every move (and I am typically an overprotective mom, but three is *usually* an age where they are okay on their own for a bit). I do check in on them and will ask my older one for a report (he is all too willing to tattle if my younger one has done something wrong) and I would remedy it if bad behavior was taking place. But I guess I just think that you can't change how other people's kids behave. If they repeatedly do something to your child and won't stop after you ask them to, you just need to make the decision to separate them.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

For the first one, I'd say the father intervened and although you don't agree, at least he said something.

For the second, I would have just gone and got the mother and told her that her child was misbehaving.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

I think the dad responded OK in the first scenario. In the second scenario, I might have been annoyed too, but generally in a situation like that, I just remove my child instead of trying to discipline other people's kids.

DS was pretty passive too, until he hit about 21 months, then I noticed him becoming more assertive and on occasion, more aggressive. He has always been a big kid, so I never worried much about him getting pushed around, but I did wonder if he would stick up for himself. Now that he is a little older, I don't worry about it so much.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

I have to say that at 17 months, if someone did that to my child, I probably would have been very upset. But now that I have an almost 3 year and I'm a littel BTDT already, I can tell you that it does happen. My DD sometimes pushes for no reason, or grabs a toy our of someones hand, or pinches. Am I there to let her know that it's totally wrong and we don't hit, push, pinch, grab, etc... yes of course. And it's a parents job to do that, but it does happen. And even though I try to be on top of her as much as I can, I cannot always stop it.

So with the gym class, as long as the father said something to his son, I don't think it's a big deal. As for the other party, I would have just left the room with my kids. If you felt you were the group babysitter, I would have left the room and on the way out, went into the other room and said to the other mom, there's some sharing and pinching issues going on, so we're going to take a break - you might want to stay in there for a bit.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

As far as the "little girls" comments, it's quite possible he was just describing the person that his DS was pushing. If your DC was a boy, he very well may have said "We don't push other boys." I know I've used gender at times in describing other children. It's definitely not a sexist comment, just a way to describe things so a 2yo can understand.

Almost all of us BTDT parents with DC 3yo+ have seen our angels push other kids, get angry, take toys, etc. We all try to do what we think is best, but sometimes it comes unexpectedly. Also, many people are afraid to show any discipline in public for fear of what may happen (CPS called, looked down as a "bad parent", etc).

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

I guess you'll never want to have a playdate with my DD

Situation #1 - I think you are overreacting to the man saying "we don't hit girls". DD is a hitter and I really try my best to either stay right behind her so I can stop her before she hits or to reprimand her when she does. There have been a couple times when she has tried to hit kids smaller than her. Sometimes I say, "we don't hit babies" but that doesn't mean its ok to hit older kids, KWIM?

I definitely teach my DD manners - she says please and thank you (most of the time) and it's not like we teach her to hit or hit her at home. People tell me is a phase, I hope it is.

Kids will be kids - what I find to be really annoying is when the parents don't reprimand their kids. Their is a boy who knocks over DD in Gymboree class every time we go and I'm ok with it since his mom reprimands him.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

Isn't parenting fun? LOL! ITA with everyone that you obviously cannot control the behavior of others people's kids nor their reactions to the behavior.
As far as the 2nd situation, I would have just picked up my kid & left the room with all her toys and left it at that after i saw that "No, no, we don't hit, pinch, etc" was not going to work. I am consistently exasperated at people who seem to act as if they are the very first person on the planet to have kids & theirs are the best, etc. But I don't let it get to me. I just make sure that mine are being taught the right thing and that's the best I can do.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

I thought my DD was really passive also. . . until she turned 22 months. Believe me they all learn the word "MINE" sooner or later so I would not worry about that aspect. She'll catch on.

With respect to the two incidents I tend to agree with everyone else and say they are really not a huge deal.

Speaking as a mom of an almost 3 year old I can say the 3 year olds behavior was pretty much on par for the age and certainly not for a lack of discipline. At this age I let my DD play on her own with other friends quite often without necessarily "hovering" like I used to. i think you were right to remove your child if you felt the other girl's behavior was inappropriate.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

Unfortunately I have to say the hitting, pushing etc seems to be normal behavior. I can tell you and I know this probably won't make you feel better but... DD is in a 2 year preschool class - the parents were asked to go the first couple of classes and were eventually moved out some still go. There is a lot of pushing and hitting going on - and one boy even bit another boy. B/c there were comments about it the director and the teachers told the parents that unfortunately hitting and pushing are normal 2 year issues/behavior - and that you need to keep explaining that hitting, pushing isn't nice behavior and that it hurts others. They said that for most children it actually isn't aggressive behavior at 2 - that is it more a frustration issue or one where the toddler wants something immediately and doesn't know how to put in words so they might go up to a friend and push or hit even just to get their attention. They said it is much rarer to find aggressive kids at this age and some pick it up from older siblings.

For us - it used to bother me b.c DD can throw a tantrum better than most but when it comes to others she was never a hitter or pusher. We would go to classes and on a daily basis she would get shoved, hit and it was always excused b.c DD would sometimes try to hug a larger child who would in turn hit her or shove her pretty hard that she fell and the behavior was excused b.c DD encouraged it by hugging.

Eventually she learned this behavior from them. I make sure that I make her apologize now, try to give her a time out if we are out - or remove her. Right now she has only hit mommy and daddy and one child who really smacked her hard first- but she DID lightly push another child on the playground after preschool last week and I was horrified. I took her right home. The parent of the child she pushed brushed it off to normal 2 year old behavior and told me not to worry about it but I removed her anyway from the playground.

I don't think there is much you can do - it sounds like the dad was trying but maybe didn't know the right thing to say. As far as the 3 year old taking toys - I think it is pretty normal but I would have just said it is time to share and given it back to the child it was taken from - if it continued to be a problem I would have brought the toys into the room with the mother and then let her deal with it when her child continued the behavior. If the girl continued to hit and pinch I would have removed my DD to another room - maybe where the girls mother was so she could deal w/ her own child.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

It is hard to watch your child experience these things and even more difficult to see them do it to others.Toddlers are exploring their independence and the overwhelming sense of their own needs really creates some crazy situations...but they learn and they grow.

With the first situation I think the father handled it well. Personally, I think there was nothing wrong with telling his son not to push girls. I tell my son the same thing...it is not okay to hit anyone...but especially not girls. If my son were to push your daughter you would hear my reprimand include a comment that we do not hit girls. It is my intention to raise this boy with respect and to be the man his father is..the man that holds doors for women and let's them go ahead of him, that gives up his seat to a woman or child and that does not turn his back when someone needs help in the hopes that someone will do the same for his wife/mother/daughter. So maybe cut the guy some slack and think of my reasons for making the same comment he made.

Re: Other kids and other parents... how do you handle the following scenerios in a tactful yet firm manner

Being that you were the one of the co-hosts of the party I do not feel it was appropriate for you to have been party babysitter...or even to have had to go upstairs and remove yourself from this party while the parent in question got to socialize...the whole time. Because I was there in scenerio #2, I can honestly say you had only 1 5-minute break for a game the whole time (4 hour party) and from what I remember did not even get to eat until everyone pretty much left. I do not recall parent in question being in the room with you guys once. The problem there was the parent in question. Unfortunately, cant do much about the other child. Not that this should happen again, but in a like scenerio I would have just taken DD into the room with us, even if G had to play on the floor.