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Bean08
LIF Adolescent
Member since 3/09 795 total posts
Name:
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Our Loss - Sarah Marie
My name is Jillian. I posted on here, not a ton, but a little bit. I'm not quite sure why I'm about to write this, but I feel like I just need to get some things out.
I was scheduled for a c-section for Wednesday November 25th due to the cord not being in a great position. Sunday, November 22nd has now become the worst day of my life.
I didn't feel a lot of movement from about noon on Sunday, but I thought that my baby had just moved, and had been told by many people that decreased fetal movement was very common in the last few weeks. I was 38 weeks 3 days. We went out to dinner that night for what was to be our last big night out before bringing our baby home. After dinner, I still wasn't feeling anything. We decided to go to L&D to make sure everything was okay. My dr. told me he was sure everything was fine, since our baby had been perfect from day 1. On the ride there I had thought that the worst possible situation was that they would have to do an emergency c-section right then. I was wrong.
I can't go into details as I'm already sobbing. But they couldn't find our little one's heartbeat. They performed a c-section at about 2 am on 11/23. I was in shock...and sometimes still am.
We were able to hold and hug and kiss our little girl, Sarah Marie. But that was the first, and only time, that we were ever able to do that. She is beautiful, and not having her with us is the worst thing that could have ever happened to us. She had dh's nose and hands, and my chubby cheeks, lips, and tons of dark hair. Sarah was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Absolutely precious, and perfect.
We spent the next 2 1/2 days in the hospital, and came out on the day that we were supposed to be going in. The amount of love and support we received is amazing...but nothing will fill the void in my heart. I am beyond heartbroken, and feel like I'll never be put back together. I'm so lucky to have my dh. He has been my strength...separately, we are both broken into 10 million pieces, but together we are so strong.
The dr's don't have an answer for us. Even they said that she looked absolutely perfect. I keep blaming myself, thinking that maybe I did something to harm little Sarah, but I know that I didn't. But I can't help hating myself for not being able to protect her.
I'm sorry to be rambling - I just needed to write for a bit, and cry.
No words can describe the pain we are going through, and nothing can be said or done to take it away. There will always be a hole in my heart. But having that time with her was so great. And those are moments that I will never, ever forget, as sad as they are.
Ladies, please, for me, and for my precious Sarah, rub your bellies...talk and sing to your little babies...love them as if they are already in your arms. If I hadn't done these things, my pain would be even worse.
Thanks for letting me write...I wish you all nothing but love and happiness, and look forward to the time that I can rejoin you all here - not to replace my little girl, as that can never be done - but for a time where I can share all of the love that we have with another little one of our own, and tell them all about their big sister Sarah.
Sarah Marie - Mommy and Daddy love you more than you know, and will think of you and love you every single day. You are our little angel.
***
I just wanted to say thank you so much for all of your thoughts...I never even imagined that there would be so many responses filled with love on here...I was using this post as my outlet, and can't believe the amount of support we have received. So thank you so so much for that. It's amazing to think about how many people have had our little Sarah in their thoughts and hearts.
Thanks again
Message edited 12/3/2009 9:14:55 AM.
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Posted 11/28/09 4:01 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
WishingTTC2
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/08 821 total posts
Name:
j
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am so sorry for your loss. I cant imagine what you are going through right now.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:08 PM |
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ricaim
LIF Adult
Member since 8/09 1201 total posts
Name:
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I don't know the words to say. My heart breaks for you and your husband. I will put you both and Sarah in my prayers tonight. 
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:09 PM |
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KAAM
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 1247 total posts
Name:
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am so sorry for your loss.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:09 PM |
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Lara&Aidansmommy
For mom i miss u ETC ILOVEU
Member since 3/07 13921 total posts
Name:
ETC I LOVE YOU
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
omg I am sitting here and my heart is literally broken for you and dh.. I cant stop crying just reading your story.....I will pray for you and dh everyday...Your little girl is a true angel in heaven and know that she will always watch over you and your family ALWAYS May you find peace and God bless you
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:10 PM |
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hidingmybfp
LIF Infant
Member since 11/09 175 total posts
Name:
It's a secret
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am so so sorry for your loss. You and you're DH are in my thoughts and prayers.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:10 PM |
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MamaB17
Back for baby #3
Member since 5/09 4065 total posts
Name:
N
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am so so sorry for your loss.
There are no words in a situation like this. Your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:12 PM |
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LoveyQ
Stalkers, get a life.
Member since 11/07 12820 total posts
Name:
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I just can't imagine what you're going through and I am so very sorry for your loss. Sarah Marie will always be looking down on you. My deepest condolences to you and your DH.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:12 PM |
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
OMG I am sooo sorry for your loss. If there is anything at all we can do please don't hesitate to send an FM. Even if it's just to vent or cry. Please know you are not only on our minds, in our hearts but in our prayers.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:14 PM |
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Grill
LIF Adult
Member since 4/09 994 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am beyond sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this tragic time.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:22 PM |
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am so sorry for your loss, my heart breaks for you.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:26 PM |
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azoodie
Member since 8/05 8377 total posts
Name:
Team SEXY BACK
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
Your story is unbelievable...it breaks my heart it so many ways 
I cannot begin to imagine the pain you and your family are left to deal with.
I am so very sorry for your loss and will be praying for your family and your little Sarah Marie
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:28 PM |
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Celt
~~~~~~~~~~
Member since 4/08 7758 total posts
Name:
colette
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
Jillian I am so sorry. I'm praying for your beautiful Sarah Marie.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:29 PM |
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Chatham-Chick
*********************
Member since 5/05 10311 total posts
Name:
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:30 PM |
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keepingsecrets
ridiculously blessed!!
Member since 7/09 1912 total posts
Name:
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
omg, i am so very very sorry for your loss. you and your family will be in our prayers. if you need anything at all, please feel free to FM anytime. i went through a loss in september and the women on these boards have been life-saving so please reach out to all of us if you need to. many many prayers for you and little sarah marie
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:32 PM |
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MsSissy
xoxoxo
Member since 3/07 39159 total posts
Name:
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
OMG...my heart is breaking for you and your DH. I am so very sorry for your loss.
May your sweet angel--Sarah Marie rest in peace.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:36 PM |
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ali120206
2 Boys
Member since 7/06 17792 total posts
Name:
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks reading your post. I can't imagine the pain you are going through and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:39 PM |
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kms717
St Philomena Protect My Son
Member since 2/06 2747 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
Your post stopped my heart and sent a chill throughout my body. I cannot tell you enough how sorry I am for your loss. You, your DH, and Sarah Marie will be in my prayers. I hope that God can heal your heart.
God Bless you,
Kelly
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:41 PM |
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Newly1
I love my baby boy!
Member since 6/08 2804 total posts
Name:
H
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am SO sorry for your loss
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:46 PM |
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eroxgirl
My Loves
Member since 5/05 15697 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
There are no words. I am so sorry.
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:46 PM |
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CkGm
They get so big, so fast :(
Member since 5/05 13848 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am so very sorry for your loss
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:48 PM |
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MichLiz213
Life is Good!
Member since 7/07 7979 total posts
Name:
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
You and your DH are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so very sorry....
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:52 PM |
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Jen2999
Baby girls & beagles rock!
Member since 8/06 10356 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you
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| Posted 11/28/09 4:59 PM |
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donegal419
St. Gerard, pray for us.
Member since 7/07 7650 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
i am so sorry to hear of your devastating loss. may your little girl rest in peace.
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| Posted 11/28/09 5:01 PM |
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Sassyz75
Turning a new page
Member since 5/05 9731 total posts
Name:
Dina
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Re: Our Loss - Sarah Marie
I am so sorry for your loss
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| Posted 11/28/09 5:02 PM |
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