Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

DD is almost 4 months old and i've already had so many "bad mommy" moments. I'm such a dope sometimes, and it seems like the more careful I try to be, the more stupid things that happen.

Since she's been bornI''ve bonked her head on the carseat handle, she slipped out of my hands into the bassinet (she was a few inches above the mattress- didn't even cry, but she should have been gently placed!!!), bonked her head on the door frame and forgotten to buckle her into the carseat (after taking her out and then putting her back in while we were at the store and then at the beach). Her stroller has tipped because I overloaded the mommy hook (thank goodness she was strapped into the carseat!) I thank God every day that nothing serious has ever happened...but I feel like such a sh*tty mother. My mom says that all new mothers make mistakes, and that's how we learn, but I'm so afraid that I'm going to screw up!

This past weekend I had te scariest moment of my life. I was outside with her in her little inflatable ducky tub that I bought to use as a baby pool. She was happily splashing after I put her in. I snapped a quick picture then went to sit down. I stupidly looked behind me to make sure I didn't sit in dog poop and when I turned back around I saw she had slipped under the water.

THANK GOD it was only for a second, but I can't get the image of her blue eyes in the water out of my head.
She cried for a second, but then she was fine. I put her back in for a few minutes because I don't want her to be afraid of the water.

I was hysterical over it for a few hours after and DH was all teary eyed.

I took her in the pool at my parents' yesterday for a minute- but I , of course, held her the whole time and there were a ton of people around.

I feel sick to my stomach over this still...I just wish I could start all over and be more vigilant.

I can't believe I could be so stupid.

How do I get over this? The fear is good, I suppose, because hopefully it will NEVER happen again.

Sometimes it just feels like she'd be better off without me. And I hate feeling that way.

Thanks for letting me vent. Please share any advice you may have.

Please don't quote because I'll probably take this down.

Message edited 7/19/2010 6:43:41 PM.

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Don't feel stupid, and don't feel guilty. You're new at this, and nothing terrible has happened as a result of your mistakes. The only reason you should ever feel guilty would be if you intentionally tried to hurt her!!!

New moms and dads ALL make mistakes!!

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

i know how you feel and just the fact that you are beating yourself up means that you are a good mom. really, we have all been there......

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Posted by Palebride

Don't feel stupid, and don't feel guilty. You're new at this, and nothing terrible has happened as a result of your mistakes. The only reason you should ever feel guilty would be if you intentionally tried to hurt her!!!

New moms and dads ALL make mistakes!!

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Posted by Palebride

Don't feel stupid, and don't feel guilty. You're new at this, and nothing terrible has happened as a result of your mistakes. The only reason you should ever feel guilty would be if you intentionally tried to hurt her!!!

New moms and dads ALL make mistakes!!

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Jinglemommy gave me the BEST advice when I had my baby

They will never know you did something wrong.

We all make mistakes

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by Palebride

Don't feel stupid, and don't feel guilty. You're new at this, and nothing terrible has happened as a result of your mistakes. The only reason you should ever feel guilty would be if you intentionally tried to hurt her!!!

New moms and dads ALL make mistakes!!

I completely agree.

The most important thing is that she's okay and we all learn from our mistakes.

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

I remind myself I am human, learn from the experience and move on. These things happen. We are not perfect, and honestly I don't want to raise my children leading them to believe I am. I apologize - if it happened at 5 wks or Ryan's age. I want them to learn, even if it's not intentional we still apologize. We are doing the best we can and learning as we go - it is all part of the parenting process. Don't beat yourself up - just mentally note what you will do different on the future.
Believe me, I am sure as they getting older there will be a whole new set of mistakes to make. I'll do my best and hope it's enough to keep them out of therapy ;)

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

I had a big problem with feeling guilt over every little thing that i did wrong when DD was really young.... For me the biggest thing that helped me get over it was time. The older dd got (shes only 11 months now, but you know what i mean) the less guilt I felt. I think it was a combination of her being sturdier, myself having more experience, and realizing that everyone makes mistakes and even though something serious "could" have gone wrong it didn't.

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

You need to not obsess over it. Brooke does NOT remember what happened ANY of those times. If you make yourself crazy and stress about it- that will affect her. Mom was right. We ALL make mistakes. I have made all of those same mistakes- and more- with Lexi and I don't beat myself up about it. Live and learn. Brooke is fine and so are you.

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

I just remembered this.....
My father is an amazing man. An amazing father. But, he has 4 kids and he made terrible mistakes with ALL of us.
My sister: put her down on blacktop with no shoes on and burned her feet.
Me: Gave me a spanking (it was the 70's, calm down), and thought I was wearing a diaper, so he hit a little harder than usual.
Brother #1: Had him in a snowsuit, and went to toss him over his shoulder, but the snowsuit wasn't tight enough and my brother slipped out and fell on the ground.
Brother #2: When he was about 3 weeks old, my dad was holding him while stepping off of a boat and the baby slipped out of his hands, into the water, as the boat was floating back to the dock. My brother went under the water, and was almost covered by the boat.

My point is.....they are all accidents. All 4 of the children in my family are wonderful people (especially me) with wonderful lives and nothing bad happened to us because of these accidents.

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

I get passed it by knowing they will pay me back one day. Like my 4 year old DD, who fell off her glider at about 6 months and got 2 black eyes and a swollen nose. Well yesterday, she left one of her stupid dolls on the floor and I tripped over it and banged my knee REALLY badly

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Learning as you go and tough....but don't feel too bad!! I've had plenty of my moments and just try to learn from them!!

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

My son has fallen down an entire flight of stairs, broke his leg (on a separate occassion!), I clipped some skin off his finger when he was a newborn when doing his nails and he bled like crazy, when he was like 4 weeks old, I put him back in the rainforest bouncer but the toy bar wasnt clicked in all the way and it fell and bashed him in the face, my sister bonked his head on the side of his crib, I could go on and on. Point is, these things happen to kids, they are no worse for the wear. You are certainly not a bad mother for it, bc if you are, then every mother is the world is a bad mother.

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

It has nothing to do with being a first time mother, and everything to do with being a mother, period. As mothers our jobs are the complete and total care of these children, and there is no way to imagine all the ways they can get themselves into trouble or the accidents that can happen. I am on my third child and I assure you I have found brand new mistakes to make each time!

You do the best you can, you are a great mom!

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Many
Don't beat yourself up. These things happen and we learn from our mistakes. I had a similar situation where I was snapping a picture and DD ended up hitting her head b/c I turned away for a second. But I learned to never do it again. She did not get hurt and won't remember it. I felt horrible, but as time went on, I got over it. You will too. Remember you are only human

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Please don’t be so down on yourself sweetie. We have all.done it. we have all made mistakes. I know you feel terribly but that is.only bc you love her so much. She is in the best of.hands. those of a mother who loves her so much

Message edited 7/19/2010 8:48:40 PM.

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

We ALL have our bad moments. We make mistakes....we're sleep deprived, we have a million things to take care of, and we're human.
My mom accidentally burned me with a curling iron, gave me food poisoning by feeding me leftovers that she *thought* were from the night before but were DEFINITELY not, and lost me on the subway when I was about 5 or 6 because the doors closed before she had a chance to get off the train.
DH banged DS's head on the car as he was bending over to put him into his carseat, I've also driven with DS having forgotten to buckle him in, and just the other day, I cut DS's fingertip when trimming his nails and made him bleed. These mistakes do not make us bad mommies or daddies. Our DC are lucky to have parents who love them so much that when we DO make these mistakes, we are guilt-ridden and beat ourselves up over them. You are a great mommy, please don't be so hard on yourself.

Message edited 7/19/2010 8:55:53 PM.

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Posted by davenjess

i know how you feel and just the fact that you are beating yourself up means that you are a good mom. really, we have all been there......

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Mistakes happen!!! DH feels like that all the time. He keeps accidentally hitting DSs head on the car seat handle, and things like that... but he has it so bad that he's actually afraid to put him in there now. But i wasn't for that, so I told him practice makes perfect. Don't worry...it happens to all of us. I look at it as it only makes them stronger... Keep your head up.

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

My oldest is 10. When she was 18 months we were at a bridal shower. she was the flower girl and I was the BM. I took her to the bathroom to change her. I turned for one split second and she fell onto the floor- the cold hard floor. I was a wreck. We left. I didn't lieave her side for hours. To this day I think of it and play it over in my head and hate myself for being so stupid. She is fine of course but I have never forgiven myself for it. It definitley waqs a mistake but one that I regret. It very tramatic but thank goodness it never happened again.

Everything you mentioned in your post- I have done with my others. My DH has even had his slip ups. My friends have had their slip ups. You are a great mommy!!! Please don't ever feel she is better off w/o you! That is the furthest thing from the truth.

As far as the pool goes- it's one of my biggest fears. I hate pools (not baby pools) and pool parties b/c no matter how many people are there, accidents can happen to anyone at anytime.

to you!

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

I've had a few moments like that myself. Knocked his head into something twice and the worst was once I put him in the stroller and walked away for 2 minutes to grab something but I forgot to strap him in! I had the same thoughts like OMG I coulda killed him. Well, I didn't and neither did you, so don't worry. Being a new mother has my head spinning sometimes- oh and I just thought of another time when I misjudged something driving and could have gotten into an accident.

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

I cried the other day bc I let DD sit down on the wood floor with a blanket under her and she fell forward and bummped her head. I was beating myslef up over it and my mom just told me don't worry it's teh first of many!

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

You have to try not to be so hard on yourself! WAYY easier said than done, I know! As new mommies, we ALL make mistakes like that, and like a lot of PP's have said, no lasting effect came on her as a result of anything you did. And she will not remember any of it! When my brother was only a couple months old, my mom had him sitting in his infant sit on top of the table while she was doing something in the kitchen. She didn't have him strapped in and turned away for literally about 3 seconds and when she turned back, she watched in horror as he fell out of the seat, onto the table, onto the chair, and ended up on the floor. My mom cried and cried over that one! She is and always has been a phenomenal mother (and grandmother) and my brother is now 33 and totally fine! I know it will be so hard to get that image out of your head. A couple weeks ago, I had Kieran (5.5 months at the time) in a tiny little kiddie pool at my mom's house with literally like 3 or 4 inches of water in it. I was holding him and he was laying on his belly, pushing himself up on his arms. He was doing it for a little while, really well, so I let go (but stayed right there). He kept himself up for a long time and was loving it, but I guess he started to get tired, or his hand slipped, or something and next thing I know his face had gone in the water and he quickly picked up his head (at which point I grabbed him and PULLED him out of the pool- total overreaction lol) and he was like sputtering on water that he had accidentally swallowed. It took me so long to get that picture out of my head! I felt like such a terrible mommy! But I had to put it in perspective. He was totally fine, and it caused maybe 45 seconds of discomfort for him and he was over it and totally fine. Remember- she wasn't injured at all and totally got over it right away! So take that experience as a reminder that we really can not turn our backs for even a second when dealing with our babies. But try not to beat yourself up- we ALL have our moments!!! You're a great mommy!

Re: Please don't flame- How do you get past the guilt of your mistakes?

Whether its your first or seventh child, you're going to make mommy mistakes here and there. Its part of being a mom
Dont beat yourself up over these things. You're a good mom and the important thing is that your DD wont remember these little mistakes. Only YOU will...and you'll learn from them.

Just remember, you cant prevent every accident from happening. She will get bumped and bruised along the way. Dont obsess over every mistake. We've all made them