Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

So I'm 9 days PP and I know in the beginning its normal to be emotional and hormonal but how long is it supposed to last? I'm crying almost everyday mostly bc of BFing, ILs and money issues.

I havent worked since October, I DONT want to go back but I think I might have to.

My MIL and SIL are here from Greece and Canada. They were supposed to be helping me bc I had a c/s but so far I'm recovering great. I'm doing soooo much more than I thought I would. And since I'm BFing I really dont need help with the baby, with bottles and everything, KWIM? They just stress me out like CRAZY, especially my 75 year old MIL. I knew she wouldnt be that much help bc she's older but DH swore she would help cook and clean. I agreed bc I kinda thought it would be good for him that he had meals and clean laundry and stuff. Since they're here they barely do anything. She's ALWAYS resting and takes like 2 hours to make something and leaves the kitchen a disaster. They just make me uncomfortable and I feel I'm being judged with everything and watched. She's always telling me go take a nap but bc shes older she makes me so nervous with the baby. She's staying for 3 more weeks between our house and my other SIL who lives in another town. The kicker is that we had to buy her $800 plane ticket from Greece. OH and nevermind the language barrier! She barely speaks english. If his SIL isnt in the room we cant talk bc we need a translator. I feel bad but I know DH misses his mom but he only sees her for like 3 hours a day after work and thats it.

I know this stress is affecting my BFing and making me feel like a horrible mom. Since I started pumping bc DS is having latching problems, I cry every time I have to give him a bottle even though it is still BM. I try to BF for 15-20 mins. I cant take him so upset, sometimes he latches sometimes he doesnt. I dont know if I should keep trying, its extremly upsetting and frustrating. I dont want anyone with the baby too much, I want to do everything for him, I know how he likes to be held already and how he goes to sleep.

I've also had enough of visitors! I know I sound so ungrateful and I know it will end soon but I'm exhausted I wanna BF on my couch in my bra w/o a blanket over me. I dont want to entertain, I wanna read my books and go on the computer w/o feeling like I'm ignoring people.

So now I dont know if I'm having legimate feeling of stress, worry, anxiety, hormones or if this will lead to PPD. I have no feelings of hurting myself or the baby, actually the opposite. I'll take any advice you have on my situations also. I just feel so overwhelmed and I'm the only one getting up in the middle of the night to take care of the baby bc DH needs to get up at 4am so I cant expect him to be up and down until then.

So thats that. Sorry so long I just to let it out to people who would hopefully understand and not judge my feelings or make me feel worse.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

First of all, congratulations.... second of all

Third of all...
Send MIL and SIL to the other SILS. Tell everyone else to PLEASE not visit right now. Tell everyone that you need some time to bond with your baby, learn how to breastfeed, and to rest as much as you can. You are recovering from MAJOR surgery and do NOT need to be entertaining company. What you need to be doing is sitting on your couch, or in your bed, with your baby, nursing, and bonding like crazy. NOT cooking meals for your ILS.

Send them packing.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Completely normal I cried a lot after ds because of bf'ing. We figured it out and lasted 14 months until he self weaned. My advice is contact a LC. I know it costs money but it can be such a help. I contacted an lc and she came to me, observed and gave me tips on how to get ds to latch correctly.
Bf'ing tips, don't be afraid to unlatch and relatch if it doesn't feel right. Pick up some Earth Mama Angel Baby nipple butter. Wonderful stuff. It will prevent bleeding nips and doesn't need to be wiped off and won't stain your clothes. It will get better. And if it doesn't don't feel like a failure. You are doing your best and that's all you can do. The most important thing is a happy mommy. If you are stressed all the time the baby can sense it. If you have to pump just do it. If you have to supplement no worries. And visit kellymom it is an awesome sight that has everything you could ever want to know about bf'ing
As for the in laws I nominate you for sainthood

Message edited 1/20/2010 5:27:21 PM.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Posted by MrsGmomof3

First of all, congratulations.... second of all

Third of all...
Send MIL and SIL to the other SILS. Tell everyone else to PLEASE not visit right now. Tell everyone that you need some time to bond with your baby, learn how to breastfeed, and to rest as much as you can. You are recovering from MAJOR surgery and do NOT need to be entertaining company. What you need to be doing is sitting on your couch, or in your bed, with your baby, nursing, and bonding like crazy. NOT cooking meals for your ILS.

Send them packing.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

I totally agree. Your feelings are totally normal!! I cried almost everyday for the first 2 weeks after having dd. I was bfing and all the visitors at first were a bit overwhelming. Also, the stress you are feeling is probably making bfing harder b/c supposedly they can feel when you are stressed frustrated. I would definitely try to talk to dh about having them stay somewhere else!!
good luck and congrats!!

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Thank you so much. I've tried to tell DH a million different ways that his family are fine for visits but I cant take the 24/7 bs, they came over for a few hours and left thank god. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks. I even left DS with DH and his family to get coffee with my friend just to get out and get some air. I felt a little better once I came back. Thank you so much for your support with this and not making me feel like a selfish btch!

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Congrats on your bundle of joy.

To the issues . . .

throw the family out. They need to get out.

BFing is the hardest part of taking care of a newborn. You don't need an audience, but you do need the freedom to walk around with your nipples hanging out so they get air to help with cracking. The only BFing help you should be getting is from a lactation consultant. You don't need to be entertaining, and you don't need to be worried about entertaining (or cooking, or cleaning or whatever).

As for whether or not you should keep trying to get DS to latch - as I said the help you should be getting should come from a lactation consultant. Try calling La Leche or the hospital where you delivered for a referal. Only YOU can decide whether to give up or not. I will say however, that if you are crying every time you give your DS a bottle you should try a little longer, if for no other reason than to put your own mind at ease and be confident in your ultimate decision.

There is a BFing support thread to help. Just open the post pinned at the top of page one to find it.

Good luck!!!

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

your feelings are totally normal..I cried for no reason sometimes in the first 2 months..luckily my DH got it after a while....and bf issues def didnt help...and you have all this extra stress on top of it! totally understandable and warranted...

Make sure you work on your BF relationship and make your DH tell them this is the reason they cant stay...I def agree not having to cover up in front of everyone is sooooooo much easier! if they want to cook...have them cook elsewhere and bring it over already made in disposable trays....you dont need to clean your kitchen on top of everything!

keep trying the latching..it takes 6 weeks to establish a good relationship...if you can last til then....you are usually good to go..I BF a full year with both my kids...it def is rough in the beginning...and GOOD FOR YOU for sticking with it while going though the extra unneeded drama! if you dont have to I would hold off ont he bottles bec that will only hurt the latching issues in the beginning!

Good luck! Hope it gets better real soon for you!

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Thank you so much! I'm going to keep trying with the BFing. I think I'm accepting it more and more a little everytime. When I finally do give him a bottle of BM he's so happy and content. So I dont know if I'm being selfish by trying to forcing the breast. DH says to just keep pumping until I run out . I dont know, I havent made a decision yet even though what I'm doing isnt working I'll try it for a little while longer.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

OMG PLEASE try to shift them over to your SIL's house sooner Those early weeks are SOOOOOOOO hard, I can't even imagine having to be "on" 24/7 for visitors. That is just totally unfair to you AND your new baby. If you absolutely can't bring yourself to do that (or DH can't) you just HAVE to get some private time. Do whatever you must, go to your parents or other family/friends, and hang out in a bedroom, just you and baby. Or at home pop on your iPod with some relaxing tunes or meditation podcasts. There are even GREAT baby/BF'ing podcasts you can check out too.
I really hope DH can see your stress level and try to help you. I know his mother WANTS to be there, but if it's not helping then it's HURTING. You are not selfish AT ALL for needing this time to bond and figure out all that is happening!!!!!

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

BFing changes everything.

with number one, i had houseguests for the first month.

its normal in my family to be around when a new baby comes...but my family isn't a bfing family.

i use to love night feedings...i wasn't tucked away in a corner uncomfortable.

this time around, i am telling people not to come. I don't want to nurse in front of everyone.
Unless my mother is in my home...guests equal more work.

keep nursing. rest, don't stress. at one point, for 3 days, i locked my bedroom door and stayed in their with baby. i was so engorged i could not get a shirt on...i was in so much pain. just lock out the world.

good luck!

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Congrats on your little guy!

Your feelings are normail! I felt the same way- it was hard with family over. And as for the visitors it could be exhausting. I was constantly trying to keep the house clean, and take care of DS while I had to entertain almost every weekend. It does get better! I finally feel I am back to being normal. Don't forget this is an adjustment.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

You are not alone with what you are feeling. I remember the stress, anxiety, frustration, the exhaustion and being overwhelmed. No matter how down I got, how tired I was, how angry I got - my DS was my saviour and he was my focus.

BF came easy to me. But I was VERY private about it. We were living in my parents house and even then, I never BF in front of anyone other than my DH. Not even my own mother!

If the stress of having them there is affecting your milk production, then they have to go. It's cut and dry. Have you explained that to your DH? Men have a hard time comprehending that. Heck, non-BF women have a hard time getting that too.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Congrats

I agree with PP. Tell the visitors not now. I usually said it was for health reasons etc.

Most importantly.. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. Your house doenst have to be perfect, or even close. If there's a disaster in the kitchen but your baby is giggling, sleeping, feeding, being held then you're doing the right thing. Dishes will ALWAYS be there but your baby's first few weeks go by so fast.

The crying and money stress, yep that was my own devil. I feel ya there.

MIL SIL .. frankly id just ignore it. Take a deep breath and remember she's leaving sooner than you know and dont let her affect you. the MIL can't exactly say anything to you can she? haha The judgemental thing.. well they all do that. They raised their children differently than we do. My father did that to me when he was with us for that first few weeks. I finally had to say "this is my kid and you always said when i had one of my own I could raise it how *I* wanted to. I appreciate your suggestions and help but I need to make my own mistakes" And he backed off. That said, I had to let her go a lil with him. I had to trust him that he loved her enough not to harm her of course but not to take chances either. He showed us new ways of holding her that terrified me at first but she loved it. So I compromised with a few. Its always good to learn new things. But baby steps.

Take a deep breathe.. you'll be fine. Just keep the baby in the front of your mind .. everything else can go destroy itself, who cares as long as the baby is happy, right?

Don't forget some alone time and down time. It is hard to come by and usually very short but its very vital!

Best of Luck!

ETA: I BF'ed for awhile. I did it in my own room without anyone but my hubby. It was our alone time. It was relaxing and alone.

I suggested ignoring the MIL/SIL cause im the kind who would have been torn up with guilt and paranoia if I asked them to leave. Id feel like I was doing my hubby a disservice and then i'd prolly create stress there, etc. However it may be a good idea to get her out of the house for a few hours each day. Tell them you want some alone time. Just as you explain how you want no more visitors then say you need TRUE alone time.

Message edited 1/21/2010 10:50:47 AM.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

This is a tremendous adjustment for you, and you don't need them with so soon after giving birth.

I would tell Dh to have them leave. Don't feel ungrateful, or wrong..you are still getting used to your little boy! You are allowed to ban visitors until you are more comfy. Everyone has been there...and stressed out. I can't even think about going back to work..but it is approaching pretty quickly! So don't think you are alone in this..we are all here to help!

Reach out whenever you need! Sending a hug to you!

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Get the ILs out of your house. Having that added stress is not helping at all.

As for the BFing, it is so so SO hard for the first few weeks. I crieed ALL the time in the beginning. DS had latching issues too and I had to supplement him with formula because I wasn't pumping enough to give him in a bottle. This made me feel horribly guilty because DD was a breastfeeding champ, so she was getting all breast milk while DS wasn't.
But after a few weeks, he got it. And then it got easier and easier.

Don't give up yet! And get MIL and SIL to your other SIL's house!!

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

The last thing you need is dealing with visitors who are stressing you out and creating more work for you.

BFing is incredibly difficult. I cried so much at the beginning, especially during the middle of the night feedings. DS didn't have a great latch at the beginning and would get really frustrated with BFing. When he refused to latch, I'd give him a bottle. However, I realized that was contributing to his poor latch. I decided to stop giving bottles and really work on the latch. Try working with a lactation consultant on the latch. There are definitely things you can do to help with the latch. If DS didn't latch correctly, I'd take him off and help him latch again. Sometimes, I'd have to do this several times before he got it.

I also tried to feed him frequently so he never got to a point when he was really hungry. He wouldn't latch if he was super hungry b/c it would take too much effort to get the milk. I watched for his hunger cues and offered the breast when he cried.

Good luck! I'm sure it seems really far away, but it should get a lot better by 4-8 weeks.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

i felt the exact same way in the beginning. it was nice that everyone wanted to see DS but like you said, its hard enough BFing, let alone trying to do it w. other people around.

it does get easier i promise,

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

No judging here. The beginning is extremely difficult and your feelings are all quite understandable and valid. BF can be very stressful, I had to give it up quite early bc I was losing my mind bc of BF stress, other stress, and PP medical issues. I had the baby blues, bad, for like 10 days. I cried a lot! And honestly, now at 15 weeks PP, I'm feeling quite anxious, although it has gotten better, and my doctor said it's still part of the whole postpartum recovery and probably due to hormones.

You IL situation does sound difficult, I know I'd go crazy if my MIL stayed with me. Have you tried getting out of the house with the baby for short walks. I know its cold but maybe you can head out on a 40+ degree day (hopefully we have another one soon). Just bundle the baby up, put him in the stroller and go for a walk around the neighborhood. It will clear your head.

Motherhood is extremely overwhelming in the beginning, at least for me, and 3.5 months in, still is. I had to come back to work, at 8 weeks, but don't start thinking about that just yet, enjoy your time with your DS.

You can always come on here and vent and with questions. In the beginning I had som many questions and felt so clueless, and lots of BTDT moms came to the rescue with lots of great advice and support.

Congrats on your DS!

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

I'm 3 weeks PP and the first 10-12 days I cried about everything and anything. I actually cried over milk spilling! Seriously!!!!

You have to take care of you and DC - no one else.... not even DH. Everyone else needs to give you time and if they can't do it with you asking nicely, have DH insist on it. They should be cooking and cleaning for you, not the other way around.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Congrats on the baby and I TOTALLY understand how you feel. My MIL came to help with Grace and all it did was make it worse. I still remember standing in the shower praying for the 3 weeks of her visit to end since she drove me nuts. She wasn't really any help since she doesn't cook and rarely cleaned. She had COPD so she was coughing over my DD all the time and only after my DD got RVS did she realize she had bronchitis too.

Visitors stink- everyone thinks they need to come "help" you but its rarely help. Its usually just more exhaustion.

As for the breast feeding, I had the same issues too with my DD and the stress definately makes it harder. You need peace to BF well. I would keep trying and maybe go see a Lactation consulatant- they are wonderful!

Hang in there and maybe ask if you SIL could have your MIL for a while. I finally asked my DH to send her to his brothers since I had enough

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Hang in there. It's very hard in the beginning! The 1st couple of weeks are miserable. Your body is recovering, your hormones are all over, you're sick of hearing everyone else' advice. I remember sitting in bed after my DH went back to work crying my eyes out thinking "I can't do this"

BF-ing is not easy! It hurts!!! I had a hard time BFing at the beginning from the c/s section. It was very hard to get in the right position w/out smothering my DS b/c I couldn't bend as low and he would scream like crazy. I too starting pumping 6 days pp......After two weeks I went back to nursing and it was much easier. DS has been fine ever since- he's 12 weeks. Now I love nursing....I think my stress and impatience stressed him out. Mb your DS is sensing what you are feeling.

Don't feel bad about sending visitors away...you need your rest and time to learn what positions/methods will work for you! Forget the house work, cleaning, cooking, visitors, etc.....Your main priority is your DS and yourself and if anyone else can't respect that than that's their problem not yours! Hang in there...It gets better.

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

Re: Please tell me if you ladies have felt like this in the beginning... (kinda long)

I could go on and on about how hard it was for me the first 4 weeks, how much I cried all the time and how insecure and neurotic I felt about EBFing...but I won't. I will tell you that you are nothing short of a saint for allowing company to stay that long in your critical post partum period. IMHO...visitors, unless they are fully prepared to do everything around the house so that you can learn to be a mother and do nothing else but that...should wait until Mom and baby have established a comfortable connection and pattern. I don't care who they are...if they can't cook, clean, launder, shop and ensure that you and your baby are left to learn about eachother...they shouldn't be there. You are truly amazing. Hang in there, it will and does get easier. I promise...my DS will be 6 weeks tomorrow and although I'm exhausted....I am O.K...We are O.K. He is EBF. I was the hardest thing I've ever worked at. I had the lactation consultant over at 1 week PP. Even though we're ok now...I still would despise slong term house guest though. Again...you are a saint. Barracade yourself and your child in your bedroom....the long term goal is more important than being hosptibable.

Message edited 1/21/2010 5:48:31 PM.