Raising Kids Today.....

Not sure where I'm going with this, but interested in opinions.

Lately I feel many people put down my ideals of raising my son a bit "backwards"...meaning I DO feel guilty about the TV he watches, I do want him to not eat McDonalds, preservative filled food and not get Plastic Fisher Price toys , overpriced toys based on a company name, desperate to wear only Hollister at 7 yrs old...etc ...

I DO all those things now...dont get me wrong, Im NOT a saint......and I dont judge anyone else who does it along with me.

But I was reading some books about kids in our generation and they made sense. How we have steered so into this overhwleming life of overendulging. How if we dont have a chin to knee brand name crumb saver we are less a parent, or that type of thing ( and believe me I fall right into all the traps of what everyone tries to sell me, thinking my son MUST have it!)

I see my neices and nephews ( tweens-teens) and I am scared. I can honestly say I dont want my son to grow up like them...

Things have changed SOO much since we were kids and even more so since our parents were kids and I think in a bad way.

So I am trying ( baby baby baby steps ) to modify things.

BUT , its so hard. Advertising is everywhere, and I also dont want when older my son going to school and being unlike the others.

Anyone else face or think about this?

I know in part it's just about good parenting, doing your best, it is all we can do...but friends, inlaws etc all look at me like Im nuts when I say I wish I could move to some rural town in oshkosh and prevent some of this fast forward life from affecting him.

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None of my nieces or nephews were raised like this.

None of them live in NY.

I hope not to fall into the trap....I want Ale to be well balanced, and not overindulged, spoiled, or any of that. I think that is what we reap when we give our children everything they could possibly want -- and at our kids' ages it's more what the parent wants than what the kid wants IMO....

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I feel ya!

Even before I was preggo I said I wouldnt be caught dead in a Baby Gap (cute clothes but are they necessary?)

Pfft, please ... now I may not go in, but folks still buy AJ stuff from Baby Gap.. LOTS of stuff!

I try to stick with Old Navy, Walmart and Target for her stuff.

Pfft, please ... If you look in her closet almost everything is Carters Ugh!

Its just so darned CUTE! I try to go for second hand where I can and the biggest influence for me to save is lack of space and I'm hoping that also means we have to make do with what we have and I hope to raise her like we were. Stuffed toys and no cool electronic toys didnt make me less of a person, hopefully it won't for her either.

PFFT! So I bought the spin & bounce pony for her so she can use it later! Its so darned HARD to say NO!

But we try!!!

Message edited 1/5/2009 10:42:53 PM.

Re: Raising Kids Today.....

I do understand what you're saying...and I admit...I'm guilty.

DD is spoiled...bottom line...but spoiled with love just as much as the "material" things...

We're not rich, but far from broke, and I figure if I have it to spend, I want to spend it on her (and now, my new DD as well). DH feels the same.

She won't have everything and anything she wants, but she will have a lot. I had nothing growing up...lived in an apartment in the Bx...dad was starting his own business and I literally had two pairs of jeans and a few random shirts...oh, they did what they could, believe me, but as a kid I wished I had more...

I guess I'm guilty of trying to give DD all that I didn't have...

But I'm also a firm believer in teaching them to appreciate what she has...put your toys away (although it's a battle), don't take a snack if you're not going to eat it, say "may I be excused" before leaving the table, etc...

We donate a new toy every year (and will continue to do so) to Schneider's children hospital to give back...She picks a toy from her birthday gifts and holiday gifts to give to the "sick kids" as she calls them...she's happy to do it.

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I call it going back to basics...

My girls have Abercrombie but they mix and match it with clothes from walmart & target....They did get Ipod Touches for Christmas but that's ALL they got...

Caden did have McDonalds tonight for dinner but last night he had brocolli and salmon....There may be a huge tent in my livingroom (thanks Aeriell ) but we keep the toys to a minimum and he honestly doesnt have a lot...

We indulge but we do not over indulge..

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I totally agree with you. I had an 8 year old girl come take a cooking class at my store yesterday and she had a cell phone hooked onto her jeans. I couldn't believe it. Who does an 8 year old need to call? I see teenagers with Iphones, blackberries, real UGGs and it really disturbs me. I'm not saint and have many a times gone through the Mc Donalds drive through, but when I was growing up McDonalds was a huge treat....like on report card day!

It really makes me wonder what these overindulged kids have to look forward to when they are older if they are getting $250 pairs of shoes like its nothing.

I think it comes down to good parenting, setting boundaries and teaching kids self control and restraint so that they know that they can't have what they want all the time with the hopes they will take those approaches into adulthood. Otherwise they will just grow up to be adults who live a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget.

Sure, it might be the norm for kids to have laptops in schools by the time my kids are in grade school and that will be something we'll have to deal with ...its a sign of the times. But, iphones, new cars, hefty allowances are not in the cards for my kids.

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I agree that things have changed since we were kids. I'm trying to go back to those roots somewhat.

I had an extensive conversation with my mom about what she fed us for lunch growing up since there was no McDonalds etc, and cold cuts were a luxury item found at the butcher - not a counter in the supermarket.

I'm older than most of the mommies here, so when I was growing up pesticides weren't being used - they were being invented. I try to feed her food that goes back to those days - without preservatives and additives etc.

DD has a lot of electronic toys, but I've also made sure (with the help of some friends) that she has good old fashion wooden toys (blocks, and magnetic letters for the fridge etc).

Last Christmas DH's aunt bought DD a Ralph Lauren sweatsuit, and this Christmas his cousin bought her Calvin Klien jeans. Thus far the only thing I've bought her is a Stride Rite pair of sneakers and Mary Janes from Payless. I plan to keep it that way.

All in all, it's a work in progress. I have no idea how long I'll be able to keep up not keeping up with the Joneses - but I'm going to do my level best because I don't want DD to think the world owes her something.

Message edited 1/5/2009 10:57:53 PM.

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As they get older - I think it gets a little harder too. My older son has become aware recently of what other people wear. He isn't obsessed with it - but he will say "OH! Matt has a jacket like that - can I get one?"

Right now it's all about Matt being his best friend and the fact that he wants to look like his twin. But soon - and I see it coming - it's going to be about the fact that all the other kids have it.

Stress is stress. I refuse to say that a child's stress over not having the right jeans or the latest in thing is any less than my stresses. To a kid - not fitting in is HUGE. I remember craving Jordache and Sassoon jeans in 5th grade (showing my age) because everyone else had them. And I got a pair or two. And you could say my parents were indulging me - or you could say that they really helped wipe out a lot of that pre teen social stress and anxiety I was feeling.

So do I/will I indulge my kids in every trend that comes along? No. But do I pick and choose things for him so he can identify with his friends - without going whole hog.

He's got the Nintendo DS Lite and the Night Vision goggles - but he doesn't have a PS3. He's got a few Abercrombie and Gap pieces - but the mainstay of his wardrobe is Target, Sears and Old Navy. If he wants a new fancy game for his DS Lite - he works for it. Extra chores turns into extra credit in the allowance bank. He wants the same sweatshirt that Matt has and his birthday is nowhere in sight? He earns it by helping me clean and wash and bag some of his other clothes to give to charity.

I don't know - it's not easy. I hope we are doing the right thing. My parents indulged me often enough and I think I turned out okay!




I didn't mention NoNo - because that kid truly marches to his own beat at this point..

Message edited 1/6/2009 7:20:42 AM.

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Ryan gets most of what he wants but he also understands the value in things, and from a very young age he understood "too much". Before he could really read numbers he knew how long a number was ie 5.00 vs 150.00 and would look at tags, then he learned his numbers and knew which was more. Now you can say to him, you cant have that because its too expensive and he will understand and will not argue about it at all.

When he gets new toys, he gets rid of old ones that we give away.

He gets McDonalds, but apples instead of fries.

He wanted "z-straps" (sneakers) so he got one pair. But those are his only sneakers.

I agree with what Kara said, we put this on our kids (they have to have it) but so much is really our wants. I want to give him everything, but I cant and shouldnt so I dont.

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I don't think what you wrote is really the problem. I don't think my DD sporting a Coach bag in Jr. High School is what makes my child a well balanced child or helps to instill a good work ethic.

I think a couple of generations ago, parents stopped instilling a wholesome work value. This is not to say your parents did or didn't. This is a broad generalization. Kids today don't understand the value of a dollar because a lot of their parents don't. How do we expect kids to not feel entitled to material things if we, as parents, do? How many parents went into debt or paid the mortgage late to make sure their kids had WIIs, and Ipods and Xbox 360 this holiday season? How many parents put their family vacations on credit cards and hope to eventually pay them off instead of saving over time for them?

We also don't give "our" children responsibilities and then make them responsible for them. I saw it with my other nieces and nephews this holiday season. Not ONE of these grown children got off their a$$ to help clean up after dinner. Some didn't even clear their plates. I know that would have NEVER have been tolerated in my parents' home and my children will not be allowed to sit around while the ones that prepared dinner now clean up dinner.

I also hear it about p/t jobs. Some are just beneath them so they would never even think about working that kind of job. How many of us see teenagers walking around after a snow storm with shovels in their hand looking to make some money shoveling? I don't see it in my neighborhood.

I think the self indulgent and sense of being "entitled" to something comes from deeper issues then eating McDonald's or getting overpriced toys. I don't believe in allowance for doing chores. We are a family and everyone needs to pitch in and do their fair share. If my children want to make some money for themselves, they will have to try to do extra jobs because I don't believe in handing them money for clearing dinner plates.

I'm not sure if this is really what you were talking about but it's my take on some of what is going on with children today. At some point in children's lives, they do want to be like the "popular" kids and wear what they are wearing. When I was in jr. hs and hs, Cavarichhi's (sp) and Guess were all the rage. As a teenage girl, I desperately wanted them and needed them to some extent. My parents couldn't afford them. I bought them for myself with my paper route money and busing tables. But I spent the money I earned on what is important to me. That is the lesson that kids are missing today.

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I agree that I am scared about the years to come. Right now I am in full control of the clothes he wears and the toys/books he has.

But what about when he wants a tv in his room? NO

what about when he wants every electronic toy his friends have? NO

Its going to be very hard

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my personal opinion is that there is nothing wrong with indulging your kids, or dressig them in brand name clothes, or feeding them McDonald's once in a while.

the problem becomes when the child is no longer grateful for all the things you do for them.

if my child ever demanded i do something for him or buy him something because other kids were enjoying the same privileges, that is when i would pull the plug. but i do not agree that there is taboo in buying brand name products just because we feel the "need." i don't feel the need to have anything brand name. if i see something that is cute, i buy it - whether it's from target or baby gap.

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I think parents need to teach children the value of things.

I worked hard growing up - my parents always made sure I had a job -- but they also did whatever they could for me (new car, paid for college, new things) I still get whatever I want from them and I'm 32 lol!

I am not spoiled - and value money and what it takes to buy material things because I know that you must work hard to get them.

I don't care if my child has 100 toys as long as he knows to appreciate them and where they came from. The day he stops appreciating things and taking advantage is the day it all goes right in the garbage!

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well I am all about not having a spoiled brat as a child.........I too WAS against and looked down upon parents who buy their kids "REAL" uggs,expensive phones, and clothes from abercrombie and holister
Then my DD went to middle school and thats all she wanted
so when she got straight A's on her report card she told her Dad and he bought her Uggs (they are so cute) then for her bday all she wanted was clothes from Abercrombie so thats what she got
then this Christmas all she wanted was a Sidekick cell phone so thats what her Dad and stepmom got her..........and she was RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY!!!!
My DD is NOT a SPOILED BRAT!!
and ya know what she gets great grades and aside from the occassional moody tude she is a sweet,loving awesome GREATFUL kid so I dont see anything wrong with her getting this stuff.

so the point of my story is just because you feel this way now you may not always feel this way and it doesnt automatically make your child behave like a spoiled brat just because they have expensive things

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I've thought about this subject countless times but it always comes back to this...in my opinion....it's not about each piece of the puzzle (the clothes, the food, the toys) but it's the whole big picture.

What I mean by this....

Yes, compared to what I had, Lucas has much more in terms of toys, clothes...everything. If there is a toy that I want to get him...I get it for him. If there is an outfit I want for him...he gets it. And I am sure that as he gets older he will get the things he asks for.

BUT

There are conditions on this generosity. I expect him to be a good, giving, loving, kind, selfless person. To give back to people, to be appreciative.

Now the parenting comes into play...I cannot expect him to just *poof* act this way/be this way. I have to teach him. I have to show him and set the example. We have to teach him the value of money and how to save. How to spend wisely and how to understand financial matters. We have to teach him to be generous with those less fortunate to give both his time and resources. We will have him save money through the year and match it to be used for some type of contribution (gifts for children in the hospital, etc). Even on the most basic level he has to learn please and thank you. We have to be on top of that...and do it ourselves. We have to show kindness in order to expect it from him.

The McDonalds and TV....I agree the Lucas gets both way more than we did as kids and we need to make sure to focus on the treat aspect of these things...to make sure he's outside playing and that we are outside with him.


It's a lot but the whole long winded point...I've decided that I need to be on top of my behavior in order to mold his.

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I feel as long as DH and I make sure to spend quality time with our kids then we are doing the right thing.. doesnt matter about the tv or toys.. If we make sure to keep an open relationship with them and show them how to appreciate the little things in life, and know right from wrong, then we did our job. You cant expect to raise your child perfect in everyway.. outside influences are out there.. Just got to have faith that what your doing is the right thing for your child and go for it.. who cares what the books say.

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Interesting points and I appreciate EVERYONE'S point of view.

I think what spurred this was seeing 11-12 yr olds hanging out with ipods, cellphones, and Im'ing and texting and not knowing how to spell words correctly( the new style of spelling things wrong on purpose) and just a generation moving further and further towards something ( whatever that something is) ...and further away from just being KIDS.

There are SO many pieces to the puzzle...

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It is difficult for me to post here for a multitude of reasons.

As a teacher, I have worked at both ends of the spectrum (the very wealthy and the very poor) and to be honest it all goes back to parenting.

I think it insane for any tween/teen to have shoes or a bag that cost more then the one I am carrying. But then again, I am not a label goddess.

But, the sense of entitlement that children have today drives me insane. They feel that it is their right to have designer duds. I feel it is their right to have their body covered by material that is it.

I also don't spend more then $10.00 per outfit for my kids. I buy seperates at JCPenny and Khols and they are just fine. My kids only had designer duds when my bff sent a bunch of Polo stuff that was just ridiculous because it had buttons up the back.

Children need to be raised with values. These values need to be rooted in tradition and every day occurances. The members of the family need to stick together and support each other as they get older. It is these values that will steer your children in the direction you want them to go in.

We all have wants and needs. We just have to figure out what we really need v. what we really want!

And for what it is worth, if schools went to uniforms, much of these label needing would go away. I was in Catholic school for 12 years and I owned, my uniform, 2 pairs of jeans and a few shirts. That is it! And, I think I turned out okay!

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I think when they are younger it is easier because as the parent you pick out their clothes and buy them what they need etc

It is VERY different once they go to Middle school and EVERYONE is texting and has a cell phone and is wearing Northface,uggs,abercrombie,hollister,coach etc

I have NONE of these BRANDS
most of MY clothes are from Target,Old navy and NY&Company (when I use a coupon)

when DD gets bday money or giftcards to these stores she loves it

As many people have said before it has to do with the WAY you TEACH your child.....my DD takes care of her colthes and shoes (the UGGS go back in the box) she washes them on Delicate and she is very careful to not stain them

I just want people to understand that having these items doesnt make your child an automatic Spoiled Brat

Message edited 1/6/2009 9:45:13 AM.

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i have to speak as a spoiled child...haha.. my parents got me the cell phone, i had every name brand growing up. but I was soo grateful everyday for my parents. I always had respect for them because I knew that my parents did not have as much money as my friends but always tried. I hope to raise Cadence the same way. I was given everything so I do the same for Cadence. I am not saying I think its wrong or right but I say i had it all so i will do the same for my child.