Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

I posted in August about a friend of mine whose hubby was a major racist...to the point of being a Nazi. You all gave me great advice. But instead of confronting her, I just phased her out of my life.

Today, she sent me an email asking what she did wrong, why did our friendship end, etc... I felt really bad, I didn't mean to hurt her of course. But I can not be friends with someone whose husband is so ignorant and prejudiced.

Here is what I wrote to her: I sent it already, but was I too harsh?


Dear XXXX,

I am sorry that you are hurt, that was NEVER my intention. I like you and I think you are a fun and caring person.

There is actually a reason behind all of this, but it’s been a struggle for me to approach you about it. So instead of talking to you about it, I just tried to disappear I guess.

Well, here goes…

I feel VERY uncomfortable around your husband. On every single occasion that we have spent together, he has said some things to Mike that made me question his character. He made extremely prejudiced comments about different races, used derogatory terms that I had to actually look up because I had never heard of them…even mentioned that he wanted to move to Wallingford because the “Klan” is still active there. I could go on and on about some of the things he said. Plus the fact that he had a whole room dedicated to WWII memorabilia…to be honest it freaked me out. He talked about the Aryan race, and how your daughter can only date men who are 100% German, and can never, ever bring home friends or a boyfriend that is a different race.
It shocked the hell out of Mike and I, and we decided that we do not want that kind of hatred in our lives. I do not want a person like that around my children, ever. It’s sad that people like your husband feel the way they do.

Learning about your husband also made me question YOU. You don’t seem like a prejudiced person at all. It’s hard for me to understand how you can endure his intolerance.

I am sorry for hurting you. Like I said, I like you. It’s been tough for me to write this to you. But I hope now that you can understand where I am coming from.

Melissa

ETA: I will be sure to update this once I get a response. I am so curious as to what she will say...

*******************************

UPDATE!!
She wrote back. I don't feel right posting her response...but let's just say that she defended him. She said that I am taking things the wrong way, and that he was JOKING about everything...blah blah blah. She said that she would never be married for 17 years to a person like that.



Whatever!!!
I am not responding. I am SO done.

Message edited 1/5/2007 9:48:19 PM.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi?

WOW...Im sorry that you had to lose a friend over that but that is totally understandable. maybe your friend will write back to you and explain why she is with a man like that.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi?

I think you did a great job writing that.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi?

I remember your original post!

I think what you wrote was very well thought out and articulate. no sense in sugar-coating it. and by bringing up actual incidences, she won't be able to down play it.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi?

Well written Melissa

I'm curious as to the response as well

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi?

I think you did a great job and I am also interested in what her response is. I agree that you tend to want people around you w/ similar values and morals. It stinks that you lost a friend, but I wonder what her values are. Either she agrees w/ her DH and is just not as vocal about it or tolerates it, which is just as bad.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi?

Well-written!!!

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi?

very well written, and I'm sure she will appreciate your honesty@

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi?

I wasn't around for the initial issue, but it sounds like you're not really trying to phase her out of your life. You sound like you're prodding her to respond, and that you want a dialogue about it.

I don't know the whole story and I'm not in your shoes. But if you really want to let the friendship go, challenging her to respond is probably not the best course of action.

I've dealt with people filled with such ignorance and hatred, and I've found it's best to let them rot in their animosity. I'd never agree with them or entertain a conversation about it. But people like that are too far gone to realize the err of their ways.

It's sad that such a blatant bigot like that is still out there.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi?

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi?

I applaud you. I'm glad you wrote what you did. It's not harsh, it's the truth, and even if she is not prejudice, she is married to someone who feels that way and she does nothing about it and that's just as bad. But I find it hard to believe she is married to him adn does not feel the same way. So again!

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

Did you expect anything different. She is obviously blinded by it all and thinks it's normal..she doesn't see the slippery slope.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

I remember that post very well and I think that you wrote that very well. I honestly think she wasn't going to answer you any differently...she is either is blind or chooses not to see how her husband is. You did the right thing.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

I remember the post, too. I think what you wrote was perfect and honest. Her response is sad. It's definitely best to put this friendship to its final rest.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

good for you for not wanting to be around people like that

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

OK lets say that he WAS joking about everything. Nazi and Klan jokes are simply not funny. I couldnt be around someone who thought anything of that nature was a source of amusement.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

As a Jewish woman, thank you for defending my people. If he has WWII memoriabilia, then their something very sick and twisted going on there. You probably only even know half the story. I had a friend who would constantly say untrue disgusting propaganda to me about Israelis. He knew that I was Jewish and well educated in what was really happening in that country, but he didn't care. He was just so prejudiced based on lies he heard. After hearing his BS one too many times, I had to stop being friends with him. It just wasn't healthy for me. You did the right thing

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

Melissa. I give you so much credit for getting it all out. People like that we don't need in our world.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

I think you did the right thing.

You couldn't go on the way you were.

You were straight, to the point, factual about what he has said and never once called him any derogatory names. It was very well put.

You also gave her the benefit of the doubt and solicited a response from her. Any optimism that you still held of course faded when she responded and confirmed for you your suspicions.

I'm sure you are a bit sad over the whole thing. It's upsetting to learn the truth about some people we once loved and cared for. But now you know and know you are better off without some people

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

I think your email was very well written. Her response is shocking and sad, but at least you know the truth now and can end the friendship permanantly, without guilt. If she truly thinks that these are jokes and humorous, they both need their heads examined and they are going to find themselves very lonely (at least from normal people).

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

her response is probably worse than his disgusting racist behavior.

good riddance to bad rubbish!

Message edited 1/5/2007 11:22:18 PM.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

I think you responded very well. Whether he's joking or not, there are some things that just aren't acceptable, and his point of view seems to be one of them. It would be nice if you and your friend could work things out, but good for you for standing your ground. It sounds like a lot of hatred coming from him, and I wouldn't want myself, my husband or children anywhere near it.

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

Very well written..obviously she would defend her husband but at least you got that off your chest. Who jokes about stuff like that?

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

Posted by princessMOMMY

Posted by greenfreak

I wasn't around for the initial issue, but it sounds like you're not really trying to phase her out of your life. You sound like you're prodding her to respond, and that you want a dialogue about it.

How am I prodding her to respond?

Re: Remember my friend whose DH is a Nazi? UPDATED in 1st post

Posted by prncssrachel

I applaud you. I'm glad you wrote what you did. It's not harsh, it's the truth, and even if she is not prejudice, she is married to someone who feels that way and she does nothing about it and that's just as bad. But I find it hard to believe she is married to him adn does not feel the same way. So again!