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SAHM...am I over-reacting?

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luvsun27
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Kim

SAHM...am I over-reacting?

Please tell me if I am being unrealistic.

DH is a SAHD. In the morning, I get DD up and play with her and get her dressed while I get myself ready for work. DH feeds her breakfast after I leave and then he's home with her all day. When I get home, I usually play with her, feed her dinner, give her a bath, feed her the last bottle and put her to bed.

So, today I call DH when I'm leaving work, like I always do at 5. He's napping...my stepdaughter (who's 10) is watching over the baby. Ok, no problem. He says I'm getting up in 10 minutes to start dinner. Ok, no problem. So, I get home, he's still sleeping. I give DD a bath, play with her, etc. At 6:30, he wakes up and why I'm not cooking dinner Chat Icon ?????

I worked all day, came home and did my regular chores, put in laundry which he didn't finish, and I'm supposed to cook dinner too????? So...we got into a huge argument and he said some really mean and hurtful things to me and I'm just so upset.

So...for the SAHM's...do you expect your DH's to come home and cook dinner? If he would have told me on my way home, please pick something up, I would have. But, he lead me to believe he was cooking.

Sorry so long...I'm just mad Chat Icon

Posted 4/24/07 8:40 PM
 
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lipglossjunky73
My Everything!

Member since 11/05

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Name:
<3

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

DH makes dinner every night. I am on maternity leave - he leaves for work before 5AM and comes home between 7-9PM on some days, often with his daughters on nights we have them for dinner, and he will still cook, but i'm in the minority...

It sounds like he rarely does this from how you described his typical day though - from what you wrote, he normally will make dinner, so maybe he was swamped that day? I know as a mom on maternity, I dont get to everything I plan on doing in the day....

Posted 4/24/07 8:43 PM
 

luvsun27
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Kim

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

I hear what you are saying, and normally he makes dinner. But...I spoke to him several times today, and each time I spoke to him he told me the baby is napping or playing and he's doing laundry. When I got home...there was no laundry done, so I did the laundry while he was sleeping!

Posted 4/24/07 8:46 PM
 

Corinne
My munchkins

Member since 5/05

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Name:
corinne

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

i do the cooking ,cleaning , everything. dh works long hours so he only helps on the weekend and that is to watch Olivia for 1 hour while i get my nails done or get time to myself. I dont expect my husband to make dinner he gets home way after dinner and if i had to wait till 10pm for him to cook a meal we would eat by 1am. i would talk to dh and ask him why he expects you to cook also. you respect all that he does but realistically you cannot work or day and cook dinner.

dh wanted dinner when ever he came home early which was 830pm and i said no way i cook 3-4 days a week the other nights is leftovers. if it falls on a left over night oh well. good luck to you. maybe your dh was having a bad day.

Posted 4/24/07 8:48 PM
 

luvsun27
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Kim

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

Seems like DH is having lots of bad days lately...and I'm getting very frustrated with this whole arrangement Chat Icon

Posted 4/24/07 8:50 PM
 

Little-J-Mommy
I'm a Big Brother

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Name:
D

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I think I'm also in the minority who has a DH that will come home from work and cook too......BUT he would be p issed if I told him I was cooking and he came home to me sleeping. He should've just told you it was a lazy day to pick something up. i'm sorry he said hurtful things to youChat Icon Chat Icon


eta: I just saw your last post and maybe he's not handling the SAHD thing too well. I know some guys that have trouble with the wife being the bread winner. Like they're "less of a man" or something. I BY NO MEANS think this.....but sounds like he may be a bit depressed (sleeping a lot is a sign)

Message edited 4/24/2007 8:57:01 PM.

Posted 4/24/07 8:53 PM
 

pharmcat2000
Mom of 2 + 1

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Catherine

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

I am a PT SAHM. DH gets home between 5&6 (like you). I would not ask him, or expect him to make dinner on the days that I am home all day. Today, I was napping when he came home. When I got up, I made dinner, then bathed DD and got her ready for bed. I do not think you are expecting too much, or that you are over-reacting. The person that is home should be the person to take care of the household chores.

Posted 4/24/07 9:07 PM
 

Natay
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Nate

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

I'm a SAHM and do just about everything for DD and around the house (housekeeping). DH helps when he is home but doesn't have specific "chores". He just does what I ask. DH never expects dinner though and is willing to make it if it isn't made for him. Before DD, he always cooked so its a new thing for me. He does give DD her bath if he is home at bathtime (hurts my back).

Posted 4/24/07 9:13 PM
 

Calla
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Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

Sorry, I don't think you are going to want to hear this, but if my husband got out of work at 5 I'd expect him to do as much as I was doing after work. So if dinner needed to be cooked, he would be just as responsible as me. Personally, I think going to work is the easier job.

That being said, sounds like he got mean during your argument which is unacceptable... Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 4/24/07 9:17 PM
 

Adri
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A

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

I'm a SAHM and I cook dinner. I don't expect DH to come home and cook, so I don't think that yu are over reacting. If I am so tired, sometimes he cooks or we just order out.

Maybe your DH is frustrated for something or tired and that is the way to let things out... I'm not justfying him, just sometimes men have hard time expressing the real problem and they let it our in other ways. Good luck Chat Icon

Posted 4/24/07 9:19 PM
 

BaroqueMama
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me

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

Well, I can relate a bit because JT is a SAHD, kind of. He stays home with Ava all day, then we switch, I'm home and he goes to work. I have to say, that taking care of a baby all day is really draining, and my husband can attest to that, especially because men don't really come equipped with that "mommy gene" like us. However, I have to say, JT would never lay down and take a nap during the day. He knows his job is taking care of Ava, and when she naps, his job is to straighten up, pay some bills, and basically get our lives in order for the day.
I have to be honest, he sounds depressed. JT went through something very similar a few months back. This is not something that many men dream of doing all their lives. We are lucky that we have fabulous husbands who are willing to stay home with our babies all day, but I think it is much harder on them than it would be on us. I say that because I look at my husband and he just doesn't want to get out of the house with the baby. He's embarrassed to go to play groups, he's too overwhelmed to take the baby out for the day, and he feels like he's totally unorganized in the house, so why would he take the risk of going out? Add those things together with the tasks of everyday life, and it becomes a little sad and depressing. It sounds like you guys might need to sit and have a talk. Not a "how dare you expect me to cook" talk, but a "what can we do to support each other" talk. JT and I are constantly adjusting and shifting our responsibilities so that life doesn't become to overwhelming for one of us and not the other. Anyway, I don't know if that helps, but I think that maybe DH needs a gentle kick in the behind and maybe a little support to get things rolling. If he's really having lots of bad days lately, he needs to talk about it and do something about it.Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon
If you ever need to talk, FM me!

Posted 4/24/07 9:23 PM
 

Maathy317
Grammie's Little Man

Member since 2/06

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D

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

When my husband and I both worked, we shared the household chores equally. When I became a SAHM, I took them over. Everything from cleaning to laundry to shopping, etc. There wasn't one night when he came home that I didn't have dinner on the table. He was out working hard all day and the least I could do was give him a meal when he walked in the door. That still stands to this day. I know how hard it is to be a SAHM, but, I, also, know how hard he has worked all these years to provide the life he has for us. When he walks in the door, all he had to do is put his feet up and read the paper. Everything else is taken care of.

You have every right to be upset. Your husband was out of line. I could understand if he was not feeling well and wasn't able to prepare dinner. It seems he just wanted to take a nap. I wish I had that luxury.

Posted 4/24/07 9:26 PM
 

PrincessP
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Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

I kind of agree with Rachel. To get mad is unproductive. I think you both should sit down and split up what needs to be done and who is going to do it. Doesnt sound like you made these boundaries quite clear yet. I was told once to make lists for dh bc I always felt the burden of everything. I thought "why should I?" Honestly, it ill take you both an hr to make up a routine instead of 5 hrs fighting over who did or didnt do what.

Posted 4/24/07 9:31 PM
 

Charly
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Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

Posted by Calla

Sorry, I don't think you are going to want to hear this, but if my husband got out of work at 5 I'd expect him to do as much as I was doing after work. So if dinner needed to be cooked, he would be just as responsible as me. Personally, I think going to work is the easier job.

That being said, sounds like he got mean during your argument which is unacceptable... Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon



I have to agree with this. Sorry.

ETA I also agree with Rachel that perhaps he is depressed or having a hard time adjusting to the SAHD role. Definitely try talking it out and setting responsibilities for each other.

Message edited 4/24/2007 9:34:10 PM.

Posted 4/24/07 9:32 PM
 

Ali1
Mommy

Member since 8/05

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Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

Kim I don't think you are over-reacting. Both my husband and I work and some nights don't get home till 6PM. Usually one of us will cook or fend for ourselves. However, I have off on Fridays and on that day i clean, do laundry and cook dinner if I can. I think i would agree with your feeling that if my husband stayed home all day and i got home and the laundry was not done, he was sleeping and dinner was not made (as he promised) i would be ****** off too. I feel raising a kid is both parents responsibilities and you are going to work so he should be doing these things if you need them to be done.

I do all the cleaning and laundry on Friday so that me, DH and our kids can have our weekends to do what we want to do with them.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him. Sounds like there are deeper issues here. Hang in there.Chat Icon

Posted 4/24/07 9:34 PM
 

lvdolphins
My Loves!

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Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

You are not over reacting. My DH is gone from 8AM till almost 8PM.
I am a SAHM. When (and if) DS ever naps is when I do cleaning, laundry, etc.
DH calls when he is leaving the office and I start dinner. I would never ask DH to make dinner. After dinner we do "switch" and he has his one on one time with DS so I can come upstairs and "unwind".

Posted 4/24/07 9:42 PM
 

dree
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Dree

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

I wish my DH did as much as YOU! DH gets up in the morning and gets himself ready for work..kisses me and DD goodbye and when he comes home on a good day he gives her a bath and thats it cause that's all there is time for.

SO............your DH as a SAHD should be very grateful for the help that you give cause I bet if the situation were reversed he would not do as much as you. (just a guess)

BUT....before DD when both DH and I were working he would occasionally cook dinner. Howcome now that I am a SAHM that doesn't happen anymore? We all know trhat going to a job is in most cases easier than chasing around kids.

So aside from this situation where he gave you no warning and acted like a jerk it would be nice if you cooked up a dinner one night a week when you got home...doesn't have to be fancy. But really I have to repeat that he should be sooooo grateful cause there are planty of SAHMs that do 99% of the childcare/housework.

Posted 4/24/07 9:49 PM
 

stickydust
Now a mommy of 2!!!

Member since 4/06

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Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

I do not think you are overreacting at all. I was home for 4 months with DD and in the beginning it was difficult but once I got the hang of it I was able to take care of her, clean and cook.

I didn't always get everything done that I wanted to but I got things done. Now, I went back to work a week ago and I am SO exhausted all the time, so I can sympathize with you. When I get home all I want to do is spend time with DD bc I don't get to see her a lot. After she goes to bed I have to get everything ready for the next day so mornings run smoothly. There is no downtime. I think I would be bitter if my DH was napping! I never realized how difficult it would be to work outside the home for long hours and be a mom.

What we have started doing is using the slowcooker more that way dinner is done when we get home - I know this is not the broader issue but it may be a solution for dinner if your DH is feeling overwhelmed.

Message edited 4/24/2007 10:34:14 PM.

Posted 4/24/07 10:32 PM
 

monkeybride
My Everything

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Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

Posted by Charly

Posted by Calla

Sorry, I don't think you are going to want to hear this, but if my husband got out of work at 5 I'd expect him to do as much as I was doing after work. So if dinner needed to be cooked, he would be just as responsible as me. Personally, I think going to work is the easier job.

That being said, sounds like he got mean during your argument which is unacceptable... Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon



I have to agree with this. Sorry.

ETA I also agree with Rachel that perhaps he is depressed or having a hard time adjusting to the SAHD role. Definitely try talking it out and setting responsibilities for each other.




While I kind of agree with this I would be annoyed that he was napping and then expected you to make dinner. It would be different if he was busy with the baby or other household chores and asked you to chip in with dinner. So in this exact situation I would be mad for sure.

Posted 4/25/07 12:44 AM
 

oops123
LIF Adult

Member since 8/05

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Name:
michelle

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

Posted by Maathy317

When my husband and I both worked, we shared the household chores equally. When I became a SAHM, I took them over. Everything from cleaning to laundry to shopping, etc. There wasn't one night when he came home that I didn't have dinner on the table. He was out working hard all day and the least I could do was give him a meal when he walked in the door. That still stands to this day. I know how hard it is to be a SAHM, but, I, also, know how hard he has worked all these years to provide the life he has for us. When he walks in the door, all he had to do is put his feet up and read the paper. Everything else is taken care of.

You have every right to be upset. Your husband was out of line. I could understand if he was not feeling well and wasn't able to prepare dinner. It seems he just wanted to take a nap. I wish I had that luxury.



i totally agree with this!

Posted 4/25/07 12:46 AM
 

luvsun27
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Member since 5/05

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Kim

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

Thank you everyone Chat Icon

I'm not Archie Bunker and expect dinner to be on the table 2 minutes after I walk in the door. I just expect as much effort on his part as I feel like I put in. Most nights, when I get home from work, he hands me the baby...we all eat dinner and he goes to sleep or watch TV and I'm left to take care of her, my stepdaughter who is 10, get them ready for bed, make bottles for the next day, whatever chores there are and I don't get a break until everyone goes to bed!

DH and I did talk last night...he apologized for saying mean things and we agreed that this won't happen again. But, I still don't feel like he sees my point of view Chat Icon

Posted 4/25/07 7:09 AM
 

hbugal
Lesigh

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Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

I dont have a specific answer for this BUT...

My ex used to get ****** off if I so much as laid down during the day...He would come home unannounced and should I GODFORBID be napping he would be mad at me for days!!! It wound up turning something innocent into a major issue for us...never mind I got up at the same time he did and went to bed later ANYWAY we had far more issues than that...

My Now and Forever DH is a GEM. Right now Im in my 5th month of pregnancy so he tends to do a lot more than he has too BUT....making dinner has always been something that has fallen upon both of us..sometimes its a group effort..sometimes just me..sometimes him.

Whatever the circumstances sometimes its just nice to know that someone has your back even if it just means putting the water on to boil...

Posted 4/25/07 7:19 AM
 

Bxgell2
Perfection

Member since 5/05

16438 total posts

Name:
Beth

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

We both work, so it isn't an exact comparison, but we share our duties. Staying at home with our daughter is no cake-walk, by any means, so if DH has to stay home with her while I'm at work, I make sure I get home at a decent hour to help out. And, usually, yes, on those days, I'll either cook dinner, or DH will while I'm playing with my daughter and putting her to bed.

The point is, neither of us rests while the other is doing something, whether it be cooking, giving Alex dinner or a bath, or whatever. Whether one of us stays at home with our daughter, or we are both working, the fact is, technically, either way, we are both working, so when we are home together, we multi-task. Only when Alex is in bed, and asleep do we both lay back and relax.

Posted 4/25/07 9:02 AM
 

nferrandi
too excited for words

Member since 10/05

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Name:
Nicole

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

I don't think you're overreacting in the one point that he made it out to you like he was preparing dinner. But I do kind of think it's unfair to expect dinner to be waiting for you every night when you get home. My DH works FT and I work PT. The nights that I'm home by 6:30, I will usually cook, but the other two nights DH either takes home food from his mom's or he cooks.

Posted 4/25/07 1:16 PM
 

smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!

Member since 5/06

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Name:
me

Re: SAHM...am I over-reacting?

While I understand your frustration....SAH M or D is a 24/7 job and not very glamorous. While this is great to stay at home, you NEVER get a break. Even when SO comes home.

Your reaction is the same as any moms who stays home. Some days are NOT cool and you feel like a slave with no break.

Posted 4/25/07 1:19 PM
 
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