School problems

Does anyone have any older children (Jr high age) and they are just having MAJOR problems with school??? My son is very smart but incredibly lazy! What 13 boy isn't with certain things? He lies about his homework and tests and I can't get any of the teachers to help out! They feel that by Jr. High he's suppose to be mature enough to handle this on his own. Well, guess what? He's not and I know that he's not, so I'm asking for help. I can't get any! The teachers in this school are horrible! You'd think that since I've been asking for help to get my son motivated and to god forbid find out before the quarter ends if he's failing, that I could get a little assistance. I'm just so fed up and could care less if he fails anymore. I want him left back but even that's a joke. I'm tired of doing summer school and why the heck should I have to keep suffering all year long with this into the summer? I'm also tired of them letting him slide by. Why can't I get any help? I'm sick to death of this.

Re: School problems

if you're so fed up, and couldn't care less that he's failing, imagine how the teachers must feel???

I can understand where you're coming from as a parent, b/c i have a child in jr high too, but you have to remain positive. have you asked to meet with a guidance counselor yet??

Re: School problems

Sorry for your anguish. You sound so upset and at wits end. I do not have a child but work as a school social worker. Can you send him to a school social worker? I cant promise miracles even from that but at the least he would have someone to talk to. Maybe start eliminating his downtime with educational activities like his Hmwk or tutoring etc...
Also, sometimes parents have to play "tough love". Not all children respond to what we want them to do. Its about rewarding the good behavior and taking away from the bad.
Also, thank you so much for your bereavement advice. I appreciate it. Sorry to hear of your loss as well.

Re: School problems

I have tried the whole reward system with him and he got to the point where he took complete advantage of it. He wouldn't do anything without being rewarded! The teachers do it too but he does the same thing with them. I have gone to Guidance who told me about a form that they can have the teachers fill out about his home work and that can go home at the end of the week but it doesn't help me because my dependable son has to get it signed and bring it home. This after I just finished explaining that my son couldn't be relied on to do it and after a month of trying - it didn't work. And god forbid it gets sent from class to class in the mailboxes and signed that way and then mailed or something. It's so infuriating!! He's the big ol' class clown and thinks that every day should be play day. I don't hear from the teachers about anything until right at the end of the quarter when it's too late to change things from that time. I also make phones calls constantly and don't hear back that often. They are so set on the "he's in Jr High and should be mature enough thing..." Do they not understand that not every child is at the maturity level? I know that there has to be other kids out there like this so I'd love to know what those parents do. We even spoke to the Principal last year about leaving him back after he failed 5 classes but "we don't like to mess with their self-esteem." HUH?? Yeah that's fine and dandy but at this point there is a HUGE problem and maybe leaving him back will help. He doesn't take anything seriously and now my and my DH are fighting because of this. I'm tearing my hair out.

Re: School problems

my son is 11 and knows everything lol omg the attitude as soon as he hit middle school is out of control, he is teh class clown , very smart and veruy lazy lies abou home workd convientley "forgets" his books etc. I am sooooo frustrated In a meeting with his teacher we started a planner he is to write down all his homework, and then the teacher checks what he wrote and initals it, i then do the same .....it helped a bit , maybe soemthing like that???? I feel for you because i am going through the same thing......

Re: School problems

He actually has a planner - the school provides it in the beginning of the school year BUT he always "forgets" to get it signed or "forgets" to bring it home. But yeah - isn't middle school fun?

Re: School problems

hey are our boys related?? lol omg i want to ring his little neck 4out of the 5 nights of the week.....this drives me crazy!!!!! and the homework he takes forever to do it!!!! hours even with our help!!!!! My sisters son is a year older then mine and she warned me about middle school and man o man was she right!!!! We actually had to do an ADD screening on him because of his behavior at school.

Message edited 1/7/2006 3:43:53 PM.

Re: School problems

EXACTLY!! OMG!! I feel so much better! You're never allowed to leave this board!

Re: School problems

If you haven't started giving him consequences at home in terms of priveleges, etc, for his school behavior/class work - you should start that.

Re: School problems

Yeah we have. The has no fear. It's ridiculous. It's like he could care less. We've even emptied out his bedroom believe it or not.

Re: School problems

I know it's hard, but sometimes there is not much you can do, and your son needs to learn that he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions.
It sounds like he's pretty social - do you ground him from seeing friends? Does he not care?
For the record, I agree that it completely stinks that schools will all typically graduate kids from middle school whether or not they are passing. It's called social promotion Most of my multiple failure students so far this year are ninth graders, and if I look back at their 8th grade report cards - they did not pass - but still graduated - it's no wonder they are now failing in HS!!

Re: School problems

Thank You! I don't care who it is - if they fail why are they being pushed ahead and I'm saying this about MY OWN son!! It drives me crazy. They are not being helped by this happening. Trying to keep track of him being home alone is turning into a real fiasco - my DH and I both work until 5:00 so it turns out that my sneaky son has snuck out when he wasn't suppose to to hang out with his friends. They all live right with in a 5 minute walking distance so I actually had to talk to the mothers about this. How embarrassing.

Re: School problems

Posted by Mrslittlebookworm4

EXACTLY!! OMG!! I feel so much better! You're never allowed to leave this board!

Message edited 1/7/2006 4:42:50 PM.

Re: School problems

Just a thought...its a little out there...but a possibility. You sound so infuriated by his actions. Do you think he is getting off on you and your husband being so mad? I mean he's getting attention whether it be positive or negative. Perhaps, If you show less attention to the matter he will have to change his ways. If this all sounds not so...I would personally put him in private counseling through your insurance and hope for the best in terms of it being just a stage hes going through. We all had our stages. Some a little more serious then others. Good Luck to you.

Re: School problems

While DH and I do not have children yet, your DS sounds like my younger brother. When he was about your son's age, my mom had similar problems with him and what she did was called all of his friends to find out what his assignments were. It embarrased him but soon after he began to bring home his assignments. She also did not let him watch tv or play on the computer until all of his work was done. She looked over everything before it was handed in. It took a LOT out of her. But my brother is graduating from college this year so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck. I am sorry that his teachers are not cooperating.

Re: School problems

I am a middle school teacher and i have to say, i'm thrilled to read about your concern! i have had many many students who behave as your son does...and the parents do nothing to help.

what i would suggest is to really crack down on him. take everything out of his bedroom, except for essentials...clothes and a matress. aet goals and when he reaches those goals, allow things slowly back in to the room.

force him to bring every book home from school everyday - that way he can never say he doesn't have the materials for his homework. force him to get his planner signed and then do not allow him to do anything he enjoys until all of his work is done.

it's tough that you and your husband work late, and that he's home without you - so is there a program at school he can stay at after school is over so that he arrives home the same time you do? i know my school has an afterschool homework program that the kids can stay at and that's what we normally recommend for kids who are struggling.
or perhaps you can get a babysitter for him after school...that would be humiliating for him, but maybe that is what needs to happen for him to learn to be responsible!!

and please know that you are not alone - there are many kids out there going through this in middle school. thankfully, i have noticed that a lot of them do become more responsible once they reach high school, so there is hope.

and if nothing else works - call the school and demand a conference with all of his teachers to see what can be done at school to help him. and then you and your husband need to determine what needs to happen at home.

Re: School problems

wow!!! my Fh told my son to bring home every single book every night until he can learn to be responsible enough to remember what he needs....and his teachers told us no that was not the right way to handle the situation.....Im glad you agree with us!!!!

Re: School problems

Re: School problems

a middle school teacher my god I applaud you!!!! lol Is it me or is it a transition stage/age for them he is so NOT my baby boy anymore such the attitude!!!!---thanks for the advice now that im hijacking SORRY!!!

Re: School problems

I am also a middle school teacher and I know how tough it can be at this age. It can be the most challenging time but also hugely rewarding! I applaud you for being a concerned and active parent! That can make all the difference. I could tell you stories about parents that weren't

Lori gave you A LOT of great ideas. You can also call the school and see if it's possible to get a second set of books home.

My school also has a homework 'club' where there are teachers from every subject that stay behind in one room and are there to help students with your homework, besides extra help. Does your school have one?

I know that you are frustrated with the teachers. But please try and understand a couple of things;

I have 150 students. I do my best to get to the ones in need first. Is that always possible no. Sometimes the downward spiral doesn't happen until we reach a tough unit, which could be at the end of a quarter.

On average I try and call 5-10 parents a week to check in. I do my best, but with all the meetings, staff development, curriculum work, grading, and creating lessons and having my own child there are nights I am lucky to get out of work at 7 or I come home and work after she goes to bed.

The form, in my school it's called 'the green sheet', I know I make it a point to ask my students that I know have one to give it to me but I know 50% of them never make it home. As for the mailbox thing, it would be easier, but it won't work. Every teacher checks their mailboxes at different times of the day. For me the bulk of my classes are in the afternoon and I don't get to my mailbox from 10am until I walk out the door. It would be too difficult to try and coordinate that being passed in 1 day to 9-10 teachers.

Have you ever had your son tested? Sometimes this goofying off could be covering for the frustration of not being able to do something?

Have you had him talking to someone to see if there is another reason for his acting out??

I know how horrible it can be! I saw it in my own home as well. I was an average student in school, probably would have had straight A's if I had studied where as my brother struggled, acted out and failed a lot of classes and it was due to learning disabilities that went undected. He struggled to get through school, tried college but it didn't work, went to a trade school and now is VERY successful in his trade and in VERY high demand for what he does!

Good luck== My daughter is waking up if you need more help please feel free to FM me

Re: School problems

Also have you tried asking for the teacher's to sign the planner once your son has written down the homework correctly. Then you in turn will sign it once you know the assignment is complete? If he doesn't bring it home with him then I would drive his butt (annoying I know) back to school and go get it or you can get a list of homework buddies for each class and when he doesn't bring home his planner either you (because it would be embarrassing) or he has to call each one of the buddies to make sure of what the assignment is?

Re: School problems

As a high school teacher, I totally agree with Palebride. As a parent, you have some control over the privileges he receives. Try eliminating them, rather than giving rewards.

If the teachers are unreliable with informing you about his failing grades, try to call each one of them (or the guidance counselor) on a regular basis to check up. That way you won't be surprised at the end of the quarter.

And, as others have said, you can only do so much. Summer school may be a rude awakening for him- better now than later. I routinely deal with 11th grade boys with similar attitudes to your son's- and then it's a little late!

good luck!

Re: School problems

Believe it or not I actually just got a phone call from his Spanish teacher - we're playing phone tag but hey it's a phone call. I need to have long discussion with her about this because my son can not be trusted nor relied on to do what is right so we have to figure other ways to go about things. So that'll be 1 teacher down. Only about 7 more to go.

Message edited 1/9/2006 2:25:03 PM.

Re: School problems

Ok, as a middle level counselor for 10 years I have some questions.

Has he ever been tested for a learning disability? Some kids who are class clowns and "lazy" actually have other issues that they cover up with this behavior.

Also, as for the weekly contracts that he is responsible for bringing home, it IS difficult but if he did have a system for bringing them to you- no computers for the weekend for example if he forgot, guarenteed he would remember. He needs to earn all his favorite "carrots"- TV, time with friends, video games, phone use- each week by bringing home positive reports. Forget "giving" him stuff for doing good- just getting his extras is enough incentive or he will just take advantage. Remember he only needs food, clothing(basic stuff, not 100 sneakers) and shelter provided by you. Everything else is bonus in my opinion. Every time I used this procedure with my tough lazy kids, it would work when the parent would each week decide if the student got his "extras". It is just a matter of finding out what motivates if he were to lose it and it's got to be done EACH week. If you take away everything with no pre-determined time to get it back, of course he is going to rebel and do nothing. What is there to work for and achieve in the short term? Remember time goes very slowly at that age and waiting for a grade report to get to have stuff in your room is FOREVER. I found with this age, weekly is best- good report, you get your "carrot", bad report, nothing until next week.

I have to go out to lunch duty but I have a ton of other stuff that I have learned over the years. Feel free to FM me!

OH, one more thing that I found REALLY worked. Let him know that if it continues, you WILL be going to school with him for the day. I used this a bunch of times and it really worked. But you have to do it if you threaten to do it. It only takes one long day with mom in school and all his friends making fun of him. Cruel, but effective.

Message edited 1/10/2006 5:10:51 PM.

Re: School problems

He has been tested and he's fine. No problems.
Well, today I told him that from now on he will be taking the bus to the library where I work instead of going straight home. That way I can keep an eye on him and check his schoolbag before he hides anything in his room on me. He just lost his "playtime" with his friends now too. I don't care anymore. It's tough love time. I also found a folder full of work that he was "missing" shoved underneath one of the drawers in his dresser. Sad thing is I wouldn't even have found them if he hadn't been having problems closing his draw. Knothead! I wonder why you couldn't close your draw. God, he gives me agita!