SD Vent

Hello Ladies,

so SD left a voicemail for DH this past weekend basically telling him that she is not joining us for Christmas b/c his side family is cheap and she never gets any good gifts from them anyway so she doesn't care if she doesn't see them. She then proceeded to insult him and call him "immature". This is so frustrating. He said he wasn't going to respond to it. What do you do in this situation? I guess when you never see your child, it is difficult to discipline them.

thanks for letting me vent.

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I am so sorry how old is SD? How often do you see her?

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she is nearly 14....we used to see her every weekend but in the past year and a half it is very limited b/c she doesn't want to see DH. Her mom is brainwashing her about us so she feels DH is the enemy.

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I'm sorry you and your dh are going through this. Does she normally spend Christmas you both? or do you and her mom take turns every yr? If she normally does then her mom should tell her that she should go even if it's for less time then normally but I feel that your dh should get to see his dtr. I have a step dtr but we do Christmas Eve and she does Christmas with her mom and their family. Luckily it works for us. I hope your sd changes her mind and spends some time with guys for the holidays. Oh and has your dh tried talking to her on why she's feeling this way and that it's not always about gifts?

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Posted by my3boys

I'm sorry you and your dh are going through this. Does she normally spend Christmas you both? or do you and her mom take turns every yr? If she normally does then her mom should tell her that she should go even if it's for less time then normally but I feel that your dh should get to see his dtr. I have a step dtr but we do Christmas Eve and she does Christmas with her mom and their family. Luckily it works for us. I hope your sd changes her mind and spends some time with guys for the holidays. Oh and has your dh tried talking to her on why she's feeling this way and that it's not always about gifts?

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I am sorry you are going through this...Its very frusturating, and you really hit the nail on the head that it is hard to discipline a child that you don't get to see very often or instill proper values...Brainwashing is a terrible thing, I myself have witnessed it first hand...Her age doesnt help matters any unfortunately, 14 is tough even in homes that are not divided...I wish I had some advice, but can only offer - hopefully she will mature a little and realize that she is being hurtful- its such a shame what some BM put their children through and how the children miss out on a big part of their lives by being isolated from the people who love them ...

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Im so very sorry that you are going through this...

My only advice is to be supportive. Dont lose site of the big picture...eventually she will come to see that you and DH are not the evil monsters that her mother has made you all out to be.

She's at a very difficult age. I would have him call her and tell her that if she doesnt want to come then that is OK (as much as it kills him) But he would like to set up another day to spend with her...see where that gets him.

He is in a temporary no win situation...eventually she will come back.

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thanks for the advice ladies, everything you are saying makes sense, but how do you deal with it when this child is insulting her father and just being flat out disrespectful? It's not like he can ground her when he hasn't seen her in 3 months, you know? I guess it is one of those situations that you have to take case by case.

thanks for all the it helps to know that you all understand this crazy situation.

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I have to say, at 14, your SD should know that her father deserves respect. I think her behavior is rude and unacceptable.

I agree with the PP's who said to be supportive of your DH. He needs you now. Just be there for him. This must be very difficult for him.

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What I have learned ( and its not easy to do) is to try and remember that this child has been brainwashed and that the hurtful words, although she may be the one speaking them- are not her own...And by feeding into the fight by trying to win a losing battle- is just making whatever the BM is telling her, all the more real for SD to believe and will ineviatbley push her further away...I'm sure you've read my posts and all that we have dealt with over the past 2 years ( well actually past 10+, but the last 2 have been the worst by far ) In the very beginning, you get angry, hurt etc..., and then when you realize exactly what brainwashing (PAS) entails , it gives you a better understanding of why these children act out the way they do- In their mind, they have no other option and you actually start to feel angry and hurt FOR the chilld along with yourself...Often the same way you (or DH) feel defensless, broken down etc... is what the child themselves are experiencing but have even less of a voice of their own...I agree with what Heather said, see if he can make another date with her to celebrate Christmas and see how it goes from there...Everyone becaomes a victim in this- its really sad

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I just have a question about not seeing her in 3 months - can't your DH petition the court? He should show a calendar that supports each visitation he was denied and they can direct the mother, again, to comply with visitation. We were in a similar situation & that's how we handled it. A 14 year old is not too old to decide whether they want to spend time with their parent. In our case, my SD's were 17 & 12 and it was ordered that my DH was given full custody (for various reasons). The 17 year old had no say as to where she "wanted" to live, etc. The court and the lawyers decided the children's best interests, not the children or one parent. I know many people think it's not worth it to go back to court or too expensive, etc., but I think if I weren't able to see my child on a regular basis, I would do what I could to fight that. If the mother violates the order again, she can be held in contempt and risk jail time. I know they enforce the orders, but you have to have all the proof, documentation, etc. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard for everyone, but the child's interests should be foremost, & every child should be benefited by seeing both parents.

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Is there any way you can sit down with her as a family and "air out" all of her/your grievences at once? Or has that already been done?

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Posted by Bops

Posted by Lucky2008

Posted by gpsyeyes

I just have a question about not seeing her in 3 months - can't your DH petition the court? He should show a calendar that supports each visitation he was denied and they can direct the mother, again, to comply with visitation. We were in a similar situation & that's how we handled it. A 14 year old is not too old to decide whether they want to spend time with their parent. In our case, my SD's were 17 & 12 and it was ordered that my DH was given full custody (for various reasons). The 17 year old had no say as to where she "wanted" to live, etc. The court and the lawyers decided the children's best interests, not the children or one parent. I know many people think it's not worth it to go back to court or too expensive, etc., but I think if I weren't able to see my child on a regular basis, I would do what I could to fight that. If the mother violates the order again, she can be held in contempt and risk jail time. I know they enforce the orders, but you have to have all the proof, documentation, etc. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard for everyone, but the child's interests should be foremost, & every child should be benefited by seeing both parents.

Here is the thing.....SD doesn't want to come, what has happened in the last 2 years is that BM has brainwashed her to the point where she doesn't want to see him, so she is preventing him from seeing SD without really preventing him...KWIM? And he doesn;t want to force her to come see him so he just thinks he will give her her space and when she matures, she will come around - hopefully.

I 150% understand exactly what you mean here Yes, the courts can "enforce" visitation , but when a child has been so far gone emotionally for so long because of brainwashing ESPECIALLY at age 14, what the court "enforces" means nothing...When that Friday (or whatever day visitation commences) rolls around and the child is having a meltdown and/or is acting resentful or hurtful to the parent that just wants to spend time with them- it all goes out the window...Once you step foot out of that courtroom, the antics get worse and worse and a piece of paper doesn't take away the damage that has already been done..Unless someone experiences full PAS first hand, it doesnt even seem like it could exisit but it does and its a horrible horribe thing that leaves you completely powerless...I hope you find a way to make everyone happy in this sitauation, we too feel the same way hoping SD will eventually come back around on her own and that we don't lose too much valuable time

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Posted by Lucky2008

Posted by Bops

Posted by Lucky2008

Posted by gpsyeyes

I just have a question about not seeing her in 3 months - can't your DH petition the court? He should show a calendar that supports each visitation he was denied and they can direct the mother, again, to comply with visitation. We were in a similar situation & that's how we handled it. A 14 year old is not too old to decide whether they want to spend time with their parent. In our case, my SD's were 17 & 12 and it was ordered that my DH was given full custody (for various reasons). The 17 year old had no say as to where she "wanted" to live, etc. The court and the lawyers decided the children's best interests, not the children or one parent. I know many people think it's not worth it to go back to court or too expensive, etc., but I think if I weren't able to see my child on a regular basis, I would do what I could to fight that. If the mother violates the order again, she can be held in contempt and risk jail time. I know they enforce the orders, but you have to have all the proof, documentation, etc. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard for everyone, but the child's interests should be foremost, & every child should be benefited by seeing both parents.

Here is the thing.....SD doesn't want to come, what has happened in the last 2 years is that BM has brainwashed her to the point where she doesn't want to see him, so she is preventing him from seeing SD without really preventing him...KWIM? And he doesn;t want to force her to come see him so he just thinks he will give her her space and when she matures, she will come around - hopefully.

I 150% understand exactly what you mean here Yes, the courts can "enforce" visitation , but when a child has been so far gone emotionally for so long because of brainwashing ESPECIALLY at age 14, what the court "enforces" means nothing...When that Friday (or whatever day visitation commences) rolls around and the child is having a meltdown and/or is acting resentful or hurtful to the parent that just wants to spend time with them- it all goes out the window...Once you step foot out of that courtroom, the antics get worse and worse and a piece of paper doesn't take away the damage that has already been done..Unless someone experiences full PAS first hand, it doesnt even seem like it could exisit but it does and its a horrible horribe thing that leaves you completely powerless...I hope you find a way to make everyone happy in this sitauation, we too feel the same way hoping SD will eventually come back around on her own and that we don't lose too much valuable time

Trust me, it has already happened in the past when she didn't want to come and he "forced" her to and then she is miserable, has an attitude and makes everyone around her miserable, no matter how much fun you try to make it....yes at 14, you are limited at this point. He feels she will mature and realize that her mother and mother's boyfriend were wrong all this time and that DH and I have never said anything negative about them (not to her at least). I can't even tell you some of the things this child has said about him - that her mother said to her..total lies. And the mom's boyfriend (new boyfriend) has involved himself in the lies and games.

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VERY frustrating. UNfortunately, I know exactly what you are going through

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I knew you ladies would understand, that is why I was able to vent here. My family tries to be supportive but they also have never experienced it before, so it is hard for them.

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I'm glad we have a place to speak about these issues also-
Sometimes it feels like your building a sand castle and just as you start to make a little progress- a tidal wave (BM) comes and knocks it down and you're left with nothing but frusturation, and have to try to build it all over again, only to know the next wave will be here before you know it ....

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Posted by Bops

I'm glad we have a place to speak about these issues also-
Sometimes it feels like your building a sand castle and just as you start to make a little progress- a tidal wave (BM) comes and knocks it down and you're left with nothing but frusturation, and have to try to build it all over again, only to know the next wave will be here before you know it ....

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Ladies, thanks for all the advice, I am going to tell DH to give it another try to see what we can do I am sure he will say he is going to give her time but I will put it out there to him.