Something to send to a friend who lost her baby

My friend lost her baby today. She was eight months pregnant and had to have the baby early. The baby lived a few days and then passed away today. I don’t have all the details but I’m obviously heartbroken for them. I can’t fathom what they’re going through. I want to send her flowers or food in a few days. Is there something else better that I could send/do? Thank you!

Something to send to a friend who lost her baby

I think just a card, I am sorry for your loss. That is just devastating. I can't imagine the pain...

Something to send to a friend who lost her baby

I am so sorry for your friend. Life changing. The most important thing you can do is recognize that she is still her baby's mom. Possibly a special candle or small stuffed animal that she can hold, hug and cry with. If you send food, a tray of easy to pick on foods would be my suggestion. She will most likely have zero appetite and muffins, a small tray of wraps would be good. Things that are just there, no preparation ne ed ed. Everything will be a mountainous task, even eating and drinking.

Re: Something to send to a friend who lost her baby

I think food and a card is a good idea and make sure to check in with them around certain times. For example, her “due date” might be coming up and she will probably not feel good on that day.

Maybe a house cleaning services?

I would not get flowers. This tends to bother some people because they die and then some feel it’s grieving all over again.

Re: Something to send to a friend who lost her baby

This happened to my friend last year. I mailed her a self care package that included the following:

- target PJs and slippers
- coffee mug
- pen and journal
-Ulta GC
-Tula eye balm
-facial mask
-sympathy card

I picked up a photo card box form Michael’s to put the PJs and slippers in.

Re: Something to send to a friend who lost her baby

Something to send to a friend who lost her baby

Thank you everyone for the kind words and helpful suggestions! They are deeply appreciated.

Re: Something to send to a friend who lost her baby

As someone who lost a baby at 35 weeks (stillbirth), I guess what I would add is that whatever you send I'm sure will be appreciated, but she also may not feel up to responding, or gratitude, or anything. People sent many different things - flowers, food, I have an older daughter who was 3 at the time and several people sent things for her which was actually really sweet (someone sent a board game, it was near Easter and someone sent an Easter package for her, etc.). I hear the "flowers die" thing. And honestly we got so many flowers, and then yes, we had to have the talk with our 3-year-old about flowers dying and it was so soon for that. Food is better, but even better may just be like a Grubhub gift card. This may sound awful but sometimes when people did things that were SUPER thoughtful and clearly required a lot of effort, it made me feel guilty that I wasn't up to thanking them properly. And then time went by and it felt too late to do it and I just still couldn't, and I just hope they know I appreciated it but I really just could not interact even over a thank you card. It felt like too monumental a task.

So I guess I'm saying do what feels right, but be okay with not getting recognition or a thank you if she just can't. A heartfelt card is also always appreciated and remembered, but again, just don't expect a response now.

Something to send to a friend who lost her baby

Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. I’m so sorry about the loss of your baby! I can’t imagine how that must’ve felt and still feels. Thank you for this information. I will definitely send a gift card in the sympathy card. Yes, it makes complete sense that I won’t hear anything from it. I can’t imagine how she’s even going moment to moment. Just awful! Again, thank you for your response and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Re: Something to send to a friend who lost her baby

You're welcome, and thanks for your kind words. Our loss was in March 2019, and I'm actually currently 30 weeks pregnant which is a whole other emotional rollercoaster. Losing a child is something you always think happens to "other people" but when it happens to you, you find out how much more common it is than you realize, how people just don't talk about it, and how often there are no answers about what happened and why (in my case).

One other thought - when she is ready to see people again, or starts going back out into the world, you know her best but I would just stick with something like "It's good to see you." People I was not close with (like friends of friends, or co-workers I didn't have a close relationship with) felt like it was appropriate to ask me "How are you doing? But REALLY how are you?" or tell me their own stories ("My Mom lost a baby before I was born, and she had two more kids!") at those first social events or in the middle of the workday like at the water cooler where I was honestly just trying to keep it together. I'm sure you would never do this, but the number of people who said things like, "You're still young, you can have another" (which is so dismissive of the grief and also, may not be true depending on circumstances) was so many. That is absolutely never the right thing to say.

And just being sensitive about how talking about others being pregnant/having babies may make her feel, things like baby showers, someone bringing their baby around, going to kids birthday parties, etc. - those things are really hard.