Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

This post is not to start drama, it is more to educate.

When I read that post this morning it really struck a cord with me and made me very sad.

1) This child is very young
2) All child go through stages.
3) You cannot always know what/or if anything is going on "behind the scences."

My DD was a happy, content and beautiful baby. That all changed at about 2 years old.

She became angry, moody, difficult...you name it. She barely ate most foods and never slept.

Was it anything that we were doing wrong? Were we spoiling her? No...

She was being raised in a warm and loving home with rules, boundaries and discipline, but in spite of all of that, this behavior still continues and she is now 6.

If have been judged by friends, family and strangers for many years and I sure that I still am.

I cannot make my DD behave the way that I want her to all of the time. I cannot make her talk to people. I cannot make her eat. I cannot make her sleep. If most people were in my shoes, they wouldn't be able to make her either.

Again, is something lacking at home? I don't think so- amd it took many years for me to realize this. I have a 2 year old boy who has been raised exactly the same way and he is completely different. At 2 years old he is compliant, easy-going and basically an "easy" child.

DD has Sensory issues. While we did get services for her at a younger age, it is harder to find services that are covered at this age.

So my advice to all of you: Try not to judge- you may not know the whole story. Maybe the child has an issue. Maybe they are getting treatment, maybe it is just emerging..

Also, don't force a child to talk to you. Try, but then back off and they may come around- maybe not- but don't take it personally.

I cringe when people force my DD to talk, because it never ends well.

Again, I am not trying to cause drama, I just want to let everyone know that there may be a reason for a child's behavior- maybe it's typical maybe it's not.

It just made me sad to see how negatively people can view a child and their parent based on behavior.

If you can feel negatively towards a 3 year old for not talking, it only makes me wonder how badly people think about myself and my 6 year old.

Message edited 11/8/2010 10:42:01 AM.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

Message edited 11/8/2010 1:27:29 PM.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

My post was NOT judging you. It was what my family is experiencing right now...

My niece is not disciplined. NOTHING. I know this because I see her all the time.

I just spent 7 days in OBX with her. I see first hand what is happening. She gets away with murder, everyone sees it and the whole family recognizes it.

I am not judging you. But I am allowed to vent and be sad about a very sad situation that is unfolding.

With my niece, it is inevitable that she is going in a bad direction. If you were in my shoes you would understand.

And i know my sister in law very very well. Our parenting styles are totally different. I respect that. But i don't respect HER not addressing this with us. Her child stops talking to us out of nowhere...whereas she used to talk and talk and talk..and she used to say thank you for gifts...now she throws them or screams and cries...i think it would be nice to hear SOMETHING from SIL..even a "she is going through a hard time, don't take it personally". This is what bothers me the most. I have a kid with actual sensory problems and i have apologized so many times when he acted out...I feel like something should have been said.

Message edited 11/8/2010 1:43:51 PM.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

One more thing because I NEED to clarify..

If you read any of my posts you would read that it is NOT about her not talking. It isn't about shyness. It involved ignoring and SMIRKING while she continue to do what she is doing. It is manipulative behavior which her own mother admits to on occasion.

She never ever ever ignores her grandparents because they watch her, dote on her and she knows how to work them.

We are constantly around her-we NEVER ever force her to hug us or speak to us. We gently try to talk to her....she will ignore the question, and then smirk. We say "Mia, whats the matter? Come sit with us". Still more smirking and then some kind of tantrum because we tried to TALK to her.

And not one time in the last 10 visits has SIL said a thing. Not one thing.

I'm the first person to recognize issues in a child and know if something is "going on". Sensory problems are something I am well educated about. I don't hate my niece. I am very upset over her behavior.

If people say they never judge a childs behavior they are lying. It happens all the time. And a lot of the time its bad parenting. And some of the time it isn't.

I'm sure my son has been judged in the past. But I will not let him get away with acting that way now. It is the way I deal with him.

I'm sorry you misinterpreted a post of mine that was something hard for me to deal with..

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

I get where you are coming from, but I didn't see any judging really. The OP was saying the child is not corrected and she is more upset with the parents than anything else. As someone who replied to that thread, I was in no way shape or form judging anyone, especially having a DS who does the same thing at times. I DO expect my 4 year old to say hello and good-bye to friends and family members and I don't think that expectation is too much. I don't force him to give kisses, hugs or anything else, but I expect him to be polite and say hello and good-bye. Although at times I have chosen to ignore the behavior because I have to pick my battles. I do what I think is right for my kids and my family and anyone who wants to think badly of me for what I do or don't do is entitled to their opinion.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

First off- not looking to cause drama. I did read your post. I am just stating what it feels like to be the parent on the other side.

I don't know your neice and I am not trying to say her behavior is right, wrong or otherwise. I am just saying that there are parents out there who do the right thing and it may not appear so to the outside world.

Sorry if I offended you, only wanted to show a different side.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

One more thing then i'll shut up..(i promise)

I have a child who had a ton of behavior that was not typical. I left playdates crying, I stabbed my own hand while preparing easter dinner because i was crying in the kitchen while stabbing potatoes...YUP. That is how awful he was acting.

But I'll tell you something. The minute he started with that kind of behavior (nasty towards his nana, running and screaming without stopping etc..) I pick him up, he goes in his room until he is calm and can interact with the family and be good. SOME things I let go...I know he needs some sensory input at times and he can't handle what is going on. I know to pick and choose battles...

I cannot stand though, when i see a child tantruming and being nasty to family and NOTHING is done. I expect tantrums in a 3 year old!! That is what they do!! But to be disrespected in MY home the last few times is enough. I was in tears myself after seeing my niece glare at me and then smirk. I couldn't wait till SIL left my house. It was awful.

I hope I've clarified. There is NO judgment of you on my part. I know you are doing what you can for your DD and you guys have things you are battling through. I understand it more than you know!!

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

I feel your pain because I am going through it right now too It's making me hate socializing because I feel like everyone is judging him or me. Some of it I'm sure is in my head but some of it is real. People are human and arent going to like this behavior and I understand that. But I am working hard to address it and it sounds like you are too. I often do explain to people that we're having some issues and working on them so that they dont take it personally. I think the OP was looking for something to that effect and taking issue with parents who are not acknowledging or addressing a problem. I could see how that would wear on anyone who is constantly on the receiving end of this behavior.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

Posted by Salason

I feel your pain because I am going through it right now too It's making me hate socializing because I feel like everyone is judging him or me. Some of it I'm sure is in my head but some of it is real. People are human and arent going to like this behavior and I understand that. But I am working hard to address it and it sounds like you are too. I often do explain to people that we're having some issues and working on them so that they dont take it personally. I think the OP was looking for something to that effect and taking issue with parents who are not acknowledging or addressing a problem. I could see how that would wear on anyone who is constantly on the receiving end of this behavior.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

You can never know what's going on and 3 yr olds are unpredictable.

I also wanted to add that the OP intrepreted it as a "smirk" Honestly, that's an adult intrepretation. I'm no so sure a 3 yr old can smirk. Often biting back tears can look like a smirk when it's a totally different reaction/emotion.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

Tara, I see what you're saying and I get what your intention was. However, I'm also willing to bet that you try to get Ava to do the right thing by still modeling appropriate behavior. I'm also willing to bet you don't just throw in the towel and say, "Oh well, this is how she is, so I'm not going to even try with her." Clearly, the other situation was different. You're talking about a situation where the parent isn't even addressing it. They're two totally different situations, imo.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

I wanted to just say, DS went to music class 2 sessions with a little girl with sensory issues I will refer to her as S.

At first I was very taken aback by S's behavior (they were both 2yo) but after watching her mom TRY and TRY to keep her under control and talking with mom and learning that since birth S has had sensory issues. I felt for the mom and had such respect for her as deal with S's behavior as well as therapies was exhausting and I personally doubt I would have been as strong as she was.

I also saw such sweetness in S even though her behavior/ antics kind of over shadowed that. I felt for her mom as I could see other moms thinking Why can't you control your daughter. And I tried to help her with S as much as I could.

Anyway I just wanted to send my to you as I know moms love to judge and thats are hard place to be. But you are a great mom and I give you such and credit for the work you have to do daily!!

ETA: I havent read the other post this is PURELY in response to your situation!

Message edited 11/8/2010 2:29:58 PM.

Re: Spinoff to the post about 3 year old neice and her behavior.

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by Gatsbygirl

You can never know what's going on and 3 yr olds are unpredictable.

I also wanted to add that the OP intrepreted it as a "smirk" Honestly, that's an adult intrepretation. I'm no so sure a 3 yr old can smirk. Often biting back tears can look like a smirk when it's a totally different reaction/emotion.

You don't know my niece

She has been smirking for months at people. Even DH's mom (not the grandma that takes care of her) turns to us at a party in July and goes "oooooh i want to wipe that look off her face..."

She narrows her eyes at you and smirks all the time. Gods honest truth. In no way does she hold back tears. 3 year olds DO smirk. My niece is living proof.