Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Several posts lately have gotten me thinking...When we have kids, where does the monetary responsibility end? I know I will always provide for my children (when I have them) as best I can, but I also feel like giving them everything (even if I could) doesn't instill as good a work ethic if they think that everything will get handed to them. Thoughts?

I would like to pay for my children's college undergrad. education, and then push them to provide for themselves.

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

in family it seems never ending- my Dad helps all out when we need it

My Dad went above and beyond b/c ( no houses-)his parents and my Mom's parents didn't

I will add- even if I become a millionare- my kids will still get after school and summer jobs

my Brother was never made to - and he had ZERO work ethic- even though I was pretty spoiled - I have been working since 14- if I wanted something that cost more then my Mom was willing to pay- I paid- and she would ask me how many hours did you have to work for that?

this is a big issue with me and my DH- he is concerned our kids might turn out like my Brother- but I think they will be fine- we both have strong work ethics enstilled in us from a very early age

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

I think the answer to that is different for everyone. For me - I've worked since I was 15 - paid for college myself - Never asked for or got anything handed to me. My DH - his parents bought his 1st car - paid for him to go to college - paid for most of our wedding - gave us money when our DD was born - and sold us their house for less than half of what it's worth. My DH works very hard -Even though his parents do a lot for us.

As parents - We will do the same for DD, as DH's parents did for him & us - We have money set aside for college, and a wedding.
As long as we can give, we will.

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

IMO...your responsibility NEVER ends

you are a parent for life

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Message edited 6/19/2006 3:34:13 PM.

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

I have never met anyone who expects a house from there parents

help with a down payment - maybe- I could have had that instead of a wedding - but a whole house mortgage free- and people say I am spoiled

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Posted by Beth1210

I have never met anyone who expects a house from there parents

help with a down payment - maybe- I could have had that instead of a wedding - but a whole house mortgage free- and people say I am spoiled

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

I'm not sure, I think whenever they need my help, I will be there but I will teach them how important it is to work and really earn it.

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Posted by Redhead

Posted by nov04libride

Posted by Redhead

IMO...your responsibility NEVER ends

you are a parent for life

I meant monetary though. I've lived all over, and it seems more on Long Island that people expect to be given houses, etc.

I've always worked since I was old enough to, and my parents helped out (paid for half my car, the other half I paid for working at JCrew)...

i don't think i have ever met anyone who "expected" a house...EVER i too have been working for as long as i can remember....


i think that parents should provide their children with a sense of monetary value and responsibility...

but if my child needs my help albeit 12, 21, 41, 51......i will help if i can

i don't think that a parents job or help ever ends and it really has to be on a case by case basis...

i don't believe in the...you are 18...do for yourself

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

I guess I have a situation in mind where it is like if someone of say, 30, knows that they will get help and money and it is never sink or swim, when do they learn they must support themselves?

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

i don't believe in the...you are 18...do for yourself



neither do I- ( my DH parents do)

as sad as it is to say- I still call my dad when I need help- not just money- but I am making him come to look at cars with me, I bounce career moves off of him, etc

my DH hasn't had any of that- his parents just kind of said bye at 18- and it's hard for him-

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

I think it depends on how you want to raise your kids. DH & I, even though I'm from upstate and he's from LI were both brought up the same.

We bought our own cars, paid our own way through college, paid 100% for our wedding and have been living on our own for a long time.

I once was out of work for 8mths, living off unemployment while spending day in and day out looking for a job. I could never turn to my Dad for money...that's just who I am.

I truly believe there's a time when they need to grow up...there will be a time when "Mommy & Daddy" won't be there and then what are they going to do.....

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

They will be given anything they need and some things that they want.

They will work when the time is appropriate like I did. I babysat when I was 10 and worked in a greenhouse the summer I turned 14. (that was a hot job)..I worked non-stop right through with the exception of a layoff or two.

I will try to pay for college but I'm not sure that's a reality at this point. My kids will most likely have loans when they get out of school. We had loans and paid them off and didn't die because of it.

I was not given a car, I bought one after I graduated HS but my parents loaned their car to me in the interim.

When they are finally out of school and working we hope we can instill in them the value of working hard and doing things for themselves. It means so much more. I'm glad I had it that way. DH didn't have it quite as good as I did.

When the time comes for a wedding or buying a home, we hope we can help. If we can, we will, if we can't I'm sure we will suffer with great guilt about it, but we will all survive.

At this rate I don't know how much financial help we will be able to give since at this rate I will be around 60 when my kid is 20. With all of us living longer and having less government assistance, our money is going to have to go further than ever. We are doing everything we can to hedge against that though.

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Posted by nov04libride

Posted by Beth1210

I have never met anyone who expects a house from there parents

help with a down payment - maybe- I could have had that instead of a wedding - but a whole house mortgage free- and people say I am spoiled

See, I've met a bunch of people (not on LIF) who practically move in with grandparents thinking they will be given the house when they die!

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

I'm plan to give the impression that it ends once they're off to college, but in reality it won't end. I'll always help in ways that I can.

From what I've seen, people that were given everything (or most things) never have that drive, sense of accomplishment or appreciation that I want my children to have.

I liken it to a story I read of a butterfly cocoon. A man watched a butterfly struggling to get out of his cocoon. He took a magnifying glass and a small razor. He cut the sides just a tiny bit to help the butterfly out. The butterfly came out much easier, but instead of flying it flopped to the ground & died. Later he found out that the struggle to get out of the cocoon is what strengths a butterfly's wings. Could be complete bs, but I liked the story enough to make my kids struggle. Yes, they're definitely going to hate butterflies when they get older.

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Posted by Moehick

Posted by nov04libride

Posted by Beth1210

I have never met anyone who expects a house from there parents

help with a down payment - maybe- I could have had that instead of a wedding - but a whole house mortgage free- and people say I am spoiled

See, I've met a bunch of people (not on LIF) who practically move in with grandparents thinking they will be given the house when they die!

But at the same time do the grandparents need assistance that is provided by said family memeber? In many cultures houses are passed down from generation to generation...why would that be considered a bad thing?

Message edited 6/19/2006 3:55:13 PM.

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

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I guess I am just thinking it is hard to provide the right balance. My mom is my best friend and advisor on everything from school to career to clothes, and would help me out whenever I need it, but I also always felt like I would never abuse that, and I guess I feel like some people never get that and would just take and take. Maybe it's more in the personality of the child than the parenting.


the right balance is hard to find- why can me and my sister stand on our own and my Brother can;t?

I really think it all goes back to your first job- it's important to have one before 18- my Brother never had to get one- and when he did - it would last a week or 2

to this day I hate to ask for money from my Dad- I have asked 2 times- and both times it was just a cash flow problem ( DH is in Sales- these things happen) and he has gotten his money back with in a week
and it was never more then $2500

my Brother takes money all the time- $500 here, $1K there and NEVER pays it back

now my brother is getting married and my dad is going to give him a huge gift- it really doesn't seem fair- my Dad has paid there rent for months and not seen a dime back

and to be perfectly honest- this would NOT be going on if my Mom was still alive- she was pi$$ed off at my brothers behavior right before she died and my Dad has let it continue for 2 years!

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

I liken it to FH and me. FH was given everything. He barely has college loans. Everything unsubsidized his parents paid for, and he never had an afterschool job in HS, only a few summers even in college. His parents still slip him money every time they see him. They buy everything for his sister and he kids including groceries.
As a result, FH and his sister and really lazy, bad at managing money, etc.

I wasn't a hard luck ase or anything. My parents paid for most of my first car, but I could only get the car if I didn't go away (so it was in lieu of paying for a dorm) and I had a scholarship. I've had a job pretty much continuously since I was 16. I had to pay for all of my incidentals, books, gas, clothing since then. I appreciate things more, and while I admit I'm not good with money, I'm better with it, and I'm not lazy. I don't expect people to do things for me or buy things for me. I know how to go out and get things for myself.

Re: Spinoff...As parents, where does your responsibility end?

I agree with how my parents have handled things.....growing up, I knew that if I wanted something, I would have to buy it. If I wanted an allowance, I would have to work for it....and I learned early on that working was the way to get what I wanted.
I did go through a rough time in my 20's with credit cards andI learned the hard way - but it was an invaluable lesson! They helped me out and I paid back every cent!

Now that I'm older, they know I'm repsonsible, and if I need to borrow money from them, they'll allow it and I pay it back with interest!
Some of my other siblings aren't as responsible, so my parents aren't as quick to help them out.