Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Due to extenuating circumstances (an unplanned at home birth.. I know some of you remember...) my husband missed the birth of our son... I was extremely upset when it first happened, and sometimes, I still get so upset... I am so mad at the hospital for sending us home... And stripping us of the moment together... I feel like I am mourning what I expected the birth to be like, if that makes sense... As if we missed out on the bonding as just the 3 of us... At first there was so much attention on me for delivering him with no drugs and no hospital, but as that subsided, sadness took over... I just feel so bad we didn't get to have our moment, especially since when we had DD, my mom was in the room... And we don't plan on having another... I guess I am just having a woe is me moment.,, but I just can't shake the feelings of sadness tonight... I don't even really know what I am looking for...

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

I'm sorry you still are so upset about it. Instead of dwelling on the moment you missed, I would concentrate on all the moments you have had and will have together as a family.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

You are right.. Now I just need to do this and stop being upset... Easier said than done....

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

I can see how you are upset but you do have a happy and healthy little baby in your arms. The two of you will get to share in his milestones and celebrate his accomplishments together. Look at the positives.

Message edited 10/11/2011 11:19:12 PM.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

have to move forward. is that the only thing thats making you sad? have you spoke about it with a professional? i just know easier said than done.

your husband was with you the 1st trip to the hospital and afterwards thats what counts. hes there now.


maybe create new memories with him and your husband. like figure out a special bonding thing they can always do.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

I know it's way different, but I'm still mad about the experience I had with my DD in the Nicu 4 months ago bc of "low blood sugar" and bc I spiked a fever just before my csection (after 20 hours of induced labor). The more I think about how the NICU nurses tried to force formula on me to raise her blood sugar (which didn't work) and give me misinformation on breastfeeding ( like I should stay in my room and rest bc if I keep coming to feed DD I will be tired and my milk won't come in!) the angrier I get and I'm already anxious about this for my next DC which I know isn't rational bc I don't even know if my next child will even wind up in the NICU and I don't plan on another for at least 3 years. I totally understand how you are still upset about this. It's only been 5 months. I think as time continues to pass it will get better, but I also think it's ok to still be sad that your DH wasn't there.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

I'll never forget your story. It will be in your mind forever. I know it's hard to think of the day, but there will be a day when you can embrace the uniqueness of what God put you through in a positive way.

Have you spoken to DH in depth, after the kids are asleep, about this? Maybe even a little bit of counseling may help.

I have a friend whose DC had a rough first month of life. He's almost 1 and she's still affected by the trauma of it. She was advised to talk about it and tell her story to as many friends as would listen and even to write out her full story and feelings in a letter or email and share it with friends if talking about was too much. She's been doing that and it seems to be helping a little but she knows it will be a while to accept it as a sense of normal, since everything is okay.

I hope this resolves for you and you can find peace and some joy in your birth story.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

I think knowing it is your last can affect you. I get a little emotional about not having another experience not necessarily the child.

Your feelings are real. As long as it doesn't affect your life and relationships, it is ok. What does dh say. Maybe a talk with him about it would be therapeutic.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Aww hon! What you did was amazing! You can forever use the "Remember what happened last time you didn't listen to me" lol!!! You had an even more amazing moment then delivering in a room. I am sure those EMT's will never forget you!

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

!!


btw, how was your sons mri?? did he do ok??

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

I have been where you are, I had an unplanned birth experience as well that robbed my of the 1st 2 weeks of my duaghter's life, she wasn't even allowed to come and see me in ICU and as a result, I could not breastfeed which i was extremely adament about doing, all because the doctor screwed up during my c-section. It took a long, long time and even 2 years later I still harbor some angry feelings but as the PP said, I try to look at the fact that I have my daughter and she is healthy and im thankful for that. The doctor never even apologized for what happened and it still bothers me when i see him in the practice but i know at some point I have to move on from what happened, I have made it well known I will not being seeing him and my OB shows that. Have you tried to talk to someone like a counselor or someone that could help you through your feeling with the birth experience?

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

I have a question for you......did you have a birth plan and a very specific idea in mind for the birth besides it being in the hospital. I only ask because I have a friend that STILL is upset about her birth and it's been almost 2yrs. I just don't get it. We had the same birth and i'm so thankful I avoided a sectin and have a happy baby I delivered vaginally I could scream for joy, yet she is a failure for taking an epi? I don't understand. Maybe you can help me?! Is it more anger at the hospital for letting you go or anger with yourself for not pushing them to listen to you?

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Try to really be introspective and see if this is really the only thing making you sad. When I was struggling with post partum depression, I thought I was having a hard time with leaving my career to stay home. It was only after I started having panic attacks that I started doing some research, and went to my doctor. I started meds at 8mo pp and am doing sooooo much better.

Even if you think there is a slight chance that you are experiencing ppd, go chat with your doctor. It's worth it! I missed out on enjoying the first 8mo of NY babies' lives

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

In the big picture, 5 months PP isn't really that long. The emotions that are tied to the birth of our children are so acute and vivid that I think we never really "get over" an experience that wasn't what we had hoped. I mean not having your husband there is a big deal IMO, especially given your situation. My experience is different, but my daughter's birth was traumatic for me. At first it was a daily struggle to cope. I cried everyday. Now, it still hurts but I have been able to find ways to deal with my hurt, anger, disappoinment and sadness. Mostly by talking about it and defending MY feelings and making people understand and validate what *I* went through. I don't care what anyone says, it was your birth experience. You don't need to "get over it" You don't need to just be happy you have a healthy baby. Of course you are happy you have a healthy baby but it doesn't change the way you feel about the birth. They are not the same experience.
I think you should talk to your husband and even write a letter (whether mailed or not) to the hospital staff and explain how what they did left you not only in an emergency but with emotional scars. Take care and take the time you need to deal with your emotions!! It might never go away, but it should be more bearable.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

I was unexpectedly put under anestesia (sp?) for the birth (csection) of my DD. Although DH was there, I missed the birth and the first 48 hours are a complete blur. I don't remember my first time even holding her. DD is 3 years old now and I can still cry when I think about those 48 hours. I missed out on so many memories.

But I have to get over it. I can't change what happened and I have to be grateful that I gave birth to a healthy baby girl.

I'm so sorry for how you are feeling and I can completely understand

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

I think we all imagine the picture perfect birth.... many of us don't get it.


My son was a surprise 6 week early delivery, followed by a 12 day stay in NICU.
We dont even have any pictures of the delivery or that first day because we didnt have a camera!I got to see him for 30 seconds before they rushed him to NICU.
I left the hospital without my baby and had to "visit" him. Half that time he spent in an incubator under lights and we couldnt hold him.
I kept saying to DH, "this isnt how it is supposed to be!"
I was concerned that we weren't bonding with him. That he didnt know he was loved for those first 2 weeks. That it would change his personality because he wasnt getting all the cuddling you should get in the beginning. All these thoughts swirled thru my head.

I was sad for a while about it. Still sad I dont have that pic of the moment he was born to put in his baby book. months. But there are SOO many other great moments to come. That you will all share together.

Like a PP said, 5 months is still early. I think as time goes on you will feel better about.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Posted by MrsECullen7319

I know it's way different, but I'm still mad about the experience I had with my DD in the Nicu 4 months ago bc of "low blood sugar" and bc I spiked a fever just before my csection (after 20 hours of induced labor). The more I think about how the NICU nurses tried to force formula on me to raise her blood sugar (which didn't work) and give me misinformation on breastfeeding ( like I should stay in my room and rest bc if I keep coming to feed DD I will be tired and my milk won't come in!) the angrier I get and I'm already anxious about this for my next DC which I know isn't rational bc I don't even know if my next child will even wind up in the NICU and I don't plan on another for at least 3 years. I totally understand how you are still upset about this. It's only been 5 months. I think as time continues to pass it will get better, but I also think it's ok to still be sad that your DH wasn't there.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Posted by OrganicMama

Posted by MrsECullen7319

I know it's way different, but I'm still mad about the experience I had with my DD in the Nicu 4 months ago bc of "low blood sugar" and bc I spiked a fever just before my csection (after 20 hours of induced labor). The more I think about how the NICU nurses tried to force formula on me to raise her blood sugar (which didn't work) and give me misinformation on breastfeeding ( like I should stay in my room and rest bc if I keep coming to feed DD I will be tired and my milk won't come in!) the angrier I get and I'm already anxious about this for my next DC which I know isn't rational bc I don't even know if my next child will even wind up in the NICU and I don't plan on another for at least 3 years. I totally understand how you are still upset about this. It's only been 5 months. I think as time continues to pass it will get better, but I also think it's ok to still be sad that your DH wasn't there.

Sorry to hijack, but I had the EXACT same experience at Winthrop and I get so angry thinking about it. My midwife was furious when I told her too.

To the OP, it's hard to move past the anger and resentment, but it really is for the best. I think doing something with just the 3 of you would be a good start in recreating that bond and help you move forward.

Message edited 10/12/2011 1:09:38 PM.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

I get how you'd be upset that he missed the birth. My DH missed my daughter's birth because of a fast delivery.

As much as it bothered me, years later you start to appreciate it when you tell them the story of their birth. They get excited to hear about it - and it starts to become their story & less your story.

And let me say that you have a spectacular birth story that your kid is going to love.

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Re: Still can't shake the sadness... 5 months later...

Today I feel Much better... I had a hard time last night because (as stupid as this sounds) I was looking at pictures on fb of my friend who just had a baby and it made me sad... I in no way had any set birth plan.. I am just angry I didnt trust my own instincts and force them to admit me... I don't even know if that would have been possible... But in the end.. We are all here and binding now... My DH was very upset at first... And I remember him being depressed.. I think I just had a flood of emotions last night.. I am going to write the story.. Will make me feel better I think.. Add to it my sons genetic disorder I'm sure isn't helping :(... And as for the MRI... The test came back clear for his brain, and a group of tumors near his spine which do not need to be removed thank goodness... The MRI itself.. That was a crazy experience.. Poor boy couldn't be sedated by IV... They couple hit his veins... But it's over now... I think I'm just overwhelmed... And maybe I do need to talk to someone....Thank you all for your input