Stressing out over mom offering to watch baby - LONG

So my mother has offered to watch the baby for us when the baby is born. I can't afford to be a SAHM so the only other choice would be daycare. I know most people would be thrilled at this offer but I'm stressing out.

My mother and I do not have a close relationship. It's one of those situations where I "love" her because I have to and because she is my mother but I really do not "like" her or get along with her. All my childhood all she ever did was nag and tell me how I was not smart enough, pretty enough, or skinny enough. It's really sad but I can't stand being in a room with her for more than 3 hours. She always provided for us and "took care" of us in her own way, but there was never "love" in our house. We've never hugged. I see how she is with my nieces and nephews and she's a little different in that she tries to express her love to them and hug them but to me, in a way that is almost needy and desparate. She watches them for my brother and I see how she gets upset if I or someone else (their other grandparents for example) come over and they get excited to see us. She feels slighted and says things to them like "Oh, auntie is here, so you don't need grandma anymore", or "you love your other grandma more than you love me". I think part of the reason she is like that is because of our poor our relationship is and how she wants things to be different with her grandkids. But it comes off as very needy and actually makes the kids feel bad bc they feel guillty for upsetting her.

Now, I think I would be able to deal with her watching the baby, but here's the kicker - my father recently passed away and I think she wants to live with us. Originally we had discussed her selling their house and getting a coop near us but now she has decide that she does not want to do that.

I am mortified at the thought of having to live with her. But how do I tell this to her when she is offering to watch the baby?

I almost want to call it all off and find daycare but DH thinks it would be ridiculous to pay for daycare when we caould have free daycare from someone who loves the baby. he doesn't understand the intensity of my feelings towards my mom and sometimes I don't either. I just know they are there. and me doing so would just jeopardize our relationship more since it would be such a clear signal of my feelings towards her.

The worst part is that we came to this country when I was very little and mom barely speaks english and I barely speak chinese so it's not like at any point in our lives we could talk about what was going on. The language barrier was too big.

I just don't know what to do. I guess I'm not so much looking for advice as needing to vent. TIA for reading.

Re: Stressing out over mom offering to watch baby - LONG

I wish I had the right words for you, but I am sending you a big hug..

also I would put my baby in childcare if that was my mother.. of course my opinion but if she is not loving and affectionate that could effect how the baby develops..I would not want that at all..

you will figure out the right decision!

Message edited 8/30/2007 4:44:27 PM.

Re: Stressing out over mom offering to watch baby - LONG

First of all, here are some encouraging hugs....

It is always so much easier to give an opinion on a situation than it is to actually do it. That whole "easier said than done" saying.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with all these feelings about your mom. That being said, I think that is very kind of your mom to offer to watch your baby. At the same time, the way you describe the situation, I think that it would be more stressful on you to have her watch the baby. You mention that it is difficult for you to be in the same room as her for long periods of time. Unless you can repair the relationship, I can't imagine what it would be like to have her living in my house if that was the way I felt. In the same breath, I can't imagine having the conversation with her to explain the whole "thanks but no thanks" for the offer.

I definitely wouldn't want to have her live with me and watch my child out of guilt. You have to do what's best for your family. Is there any way to talk to her about the way you feel? Repair the relationship and try to go forward?

These are just my thoughts. I am sure whatever decision you come to will be the right one for you and your family.

Re: Stressing out over mom offering to watch baby - LONG

I'm sorry you guys don't have a good relationship. You have to do what's right for you (& your sanity) but my advice wiould be to try it out & see how she does with the baby before you decide on daycare.

You never know--you might welcome the extra help & she might actually surprise you. Living with her is something totally different though.

Good luck & try not to get too stressed