Stubborn Toddler - Reward System

How do you handle a stubborn toddler?

When DS was younger we would try to explain to him why he had to listen to us. Now he likes to use that to his advantage so we had to step up the game and take away options or time limits. Ex, getting to the car - we used give him forewarning and he would dilly dally all the way. Now we have eliminated the dilly dally part. We started a reward system for him to get him to want to listen.

Do you use a reward system? If so did you make it or buy it?

ETA:
Right now we have a home made sticker chart and after 10 stickers he gets a toy but I just found this:

Pretend Store -

You fill a rubbermaid container items DCs can "purchase. (They can buy coloring books, crayons, stickers, games, figurines, balls, cars, books, puzzles, mazes, dolls) You can create coupons too (ice cream store, museum etc)
Each item gets a price tag.

DC's get "Family dollars" for good behavior/chores.

At the end of the week you can set up the store so they can shop. Or they learn to save it for a bigger prize (Not a bad skill to learn).

I thought this was great because there is much more learning associated with this system then rewards for good behavior.

Message edited 11/13/2008 9:52:42 AM.

Re: Stubborn Toddler - Reward System

How old is your toddler? Your system is a great idea, but I would say developmentally it is geared more for a 5 year old or up. I'm a behaviorist, so reward systems are my thing, but this may be way too complex for a child under the age of 5.

In order for a reward system to work, it must be meaningful and reward immediately for good behavior. sticker charts should not be implemented untilt he child is at least 3 or 4, and delaying gratification the entire week (earning points, money,etc to purchase a prize) is very sophisticated for a little one.

I would provide immediate consequences for all behavior for a toddler - I do this with my son. Listening and following directions get an immediate consequence (a toy, a hug, a good job, something I know will be meaningful and rewarding to him.)

Inappropriate behavior also gets an immediate consequence (hitting, throwing, not listening when he is doing somehting dangerous) and it works well for me.... he gets a time out for the biggies, or removal of a toy he is playing with if he is not listening or throwing or hitting while playing with the toy.

Remember - the rule is always immediacy and functionality for any type of reward system. Learning will ALWAYS occur, and since you planted the seeds so early in earning, you can very nicely and easily transfer your system into a more complex one like the one you describe.

Hope this helps!



ETA - one more thing - it is important to always keep in mind what is also developmentally appropriate behavior - every toddler is stubborn - developmentally it is the age where they want to assert their independence and learn things on their own - so choosing your battles is extremely important!

Message edited 11/13/2008 10:16:02 AM.

Re: Stubborn Toddler - Reward System

Speaking as a teacher, that's a GREAT reward system when your DC is a little older but at his age now it won't work too well because kids that young need instant gratification. Delaying a reward for a week until he earns "X" amount of dollars will hold no meaning for him and won't keep him on track because he has no concept of time and a week for a toddler may as well be a year.

What you may want to try is a simpler system where you reward him each day for good behavior. I used this system when I taught Kindergarten and it worked AMAZING but you may need to adjust it a little for a younger child.

Each day the kids started out on green, if they stayed on green all day they would earn a sticker. Also, throughout the day if we saw them doing the right thing they could earn more stickers. Once they had 10 stickers in their sticker book they got to choose a prize from the reward box. Most kids were at the box every day which is perfect because it kept motivating them to do the right thing each day because the reward was fairly immediate. However, when they behaved the wrong way they moved their card from green to yellow. Now in Kindergarten "yellow" was 5 min. off choice time but you would have to decide what the consequence of your "yellow" would be. Maybe a 5 min. time out? If they continued to misbehave they moved their card to red and then lost out entirely on choice time for that day. Again, you would need to adjust this and set your own consequence for "red". Maybe no T.V. or take away a favorite toy for the afternoon.

This system worked GREAT!! I had a class of 27 Kindergarten children on track behaviorally pretty much every day all year long. Of course no kid is perfect and they were times kids moved their cards but let me tell you, when they had to move their card they were devastated and 99% of the time would not repeat the behavior that got them in trouble in the first place. Kids like working towards something but the younger they are the sooner the reward needs to be given. If you stretch it out over days with a little one it will never work. They need instant gratification which is why the stickers on a DAILY basis work.

Always carry his sticker book around with you and whenever you see him doing the right thing hand him a sticker and let HIM put it in the book.........this way he takes ownership of his good behavior. At say dinnertime have him count up his stickers with you and you set a # that works, let's say 6 stickers. If he has his 6 stickers at the end of the day let him go to the "Reward Box". If not, tell him maybe tomorrow if he behaves better he will get to go and carry the stickers over so the next day he will definitely get to choose a reward. You can even have him work towards a BIG PRIZE with his stickers like I did with the Kindergarten kids. Once they had 50 stickers in their sticker book they got a big, special, extra cool prize. Anyway, you can adjust this system however best works for you but at least this will give you some guideline as to where to begin. I hope it helps!!

P.S. The "Pretend Store" was a great thing when I taught 3rd grade. It's a better system for older kids.

Message edited 11/13/2008 10:39:09 AM.

Re: Stubborn Toddler - Reward System

Thanks SO Much your posts really do Help.
I do everything that you have explained (taking away toys, immediate response, get down to his level, timeouts, etc) but lately I have been feeling that its not working. I feel like I am using my "Stern Voice" more than I would like to.

My DS is almost 3 and recently he has changed where he is rebelling more. Ex, doesn't stay in his seat at dinner, he doesn't want to eat, he won't put his jacket on, etc. He does not want to do things that are asked of him, if HE doesn't want to. Most everything has been ending in timeouts and it is wearing on us.
I don't want to inhibit his independence which is where I get confused. He is always saying "I do it" and I love that so even if it takes longer I let him. WHen I ask him to do it...then no he wants Mommy to do it. SO we have a control issue too.

I will continue to discipline him (no matter how trying he can be) but I wanted to try something new and more visual based on his "Good" Behavior so he doesn't feel like he is always in trouble.

Could you recommend any good books? I am always up to reading more about developmental stages and childrens behavior.

TIA!

Re: Stubborn Toddler - Reward System