Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

I am in the need of some serious help here, I don't know what to do anymore.

A little background: I have 3 kids, a 14 year old daughter, a 5 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. My oldest is from my first marriage however my husband adopted her a little over 4 years ago.

Last year she tells me that she met a boy while we were away and that they are now boyfriend/girlfriend. I was "ok" with it as he lived in Ohio and I knew nothing would come from it. Fast forward a month or so and I come to find out that this "boy" is actually 19 years old. My husband walks into her room one night to tell her something and finds her completely naked laying in bed on her computer, ooVooing with this boy. SHe made up some excuse and as gullible as we are we bought it. The next day or so my sister shows me a video this punk sent my DD with his penis sticking out. Turns out he wanted her to send him a video of herself but DH "caught" her before she did anything. Cops were called as we were ready to press charges on this kid, turns out the only way we could is if we have our DD arrested as well. So we punish her and take away everything, cell phone, lap top, iPod, Facebook, everything. We tell her how disappointed we are in her, find her a therapist and think everything is over.

About Sept. of this year, I check her e-mail and find e-mails to and from a few strange people that I don't know. Turns out she downloaded a few "dating" apps to her iPod Touch and was passing herself off as a 19 year old. She starts "chatting" with two guys, sends them pics. I look at her iPod and see what this one guys wrote to her, I turned red - I don't even say those things to my husband!!! It was so disgusting!!! So again, everything gets taken away, we are disappointed again, tell her that this "boy" is probably a man trying to get "something" from her and how we are trying to keep not only her safe but her brother and sister. We show her articles on kids that get abducted and abused from this sort of thing. You would think we put the fear of God in her, right?

Wrong!!! She comes home from school yesterday and I ask to see her iPod to just check to make sure everything is on the up and up. Its locked and she keeps giving us the wrong combo to open it. She finally breaks down and tells us she put that app back on as well as 2 others and she has been chatting with a few boys. Again, screaming begins and all she keeps saying is I don't know why, they just tell me I'm pretty.

Now, my daughter is cubby, she will never be a supermodel but she is so pretty and bright. I know her self esteem is low and I try everything in my power to boost it. I thought we had a special bond because it was just me and her for so long until I met DH, but I am so disappointed and hurt in her.

What can I do? What should I do? My job as a Mom is to keep my kids safe, how can I do my job with obstacles like this? Does anyone out there have any advice for me?

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

wow, I think my first thought is to stop giving her back computer and ipad and any internet/phone privileges. She no longer is allowed to have them.

Like you said you couldn't file anything against the 'boyfriend' bc you'd have to have her arrested too. Does she realize that if she is caught doing this with an undercover cop, she will be arrested and you can't do anything about it?

I would possibly think about you going down to your local precinct and seeing if they have any programs where you can bring your daughter and they can show her what happens to girls/boys that do this. There has to be some kind of program out there. There also has to be some kind of program for her to get her self esteem up.

But really, she has shown that she is not mature enough to have a cell phone or internet access. There would be no third chance in my household.

I wish you the best.

Message edited 12/22/2010 10:52:07 AM.

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

I am not a parent but I think the first thing to do is take everything away and dont give it back.. she had break your trust 3 times and that still she is not listening and changing.. Like PP said you should go to the precint or try to find a type of program where she can talk to someone that had gone through this and it didnt finish well. As well as explain to her that if she get arrested for this you cant really help her. I cant imagine how hard this is for you as a mother. Hopefully she "wake up" and see how dangerous is what she's doing.

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

like the other poster said. if she gets caught by a cop she will be arrested and if my memory serves me correctly she will have to register as a sex offender, I think there was a story in the news about something like this and the kids had to now register. Correct me is i am wrong. Even if i am wrong, tell her that. that might scare her. Good luck! oh and ps . unless she is right in front of you no computer, Move it to where it can be seen by you or your dh at all times. no ipod/touch whats so ever. good luck

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

First I would seek out a therapist right away, she needs to talk with someone. Also I agree that she lost all priveledges to the internet.

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

Wow. I really feel for you and for her. I know you're very worried about her and probably feeling very angry and betrayed and I feel for her because I remember doing stupid things in my teens because teenagers literally can't foresee the consequences of their actions. Their brains are not fully developed. I always things about this when I think about the increasingly fast-paced world we live in.

I would make sure that DD understands that she can go to jail for sending any kind of pictures or videos of herself, even if it's to another person who is also under age. I remember seeing a story on 60 minutes or a similar show about a 15 year old couple who went to jail for sexting as "child pornography." To me it seemed like the most ridiculous thing ever, but it struck me how these kids are doing something they don't realize is illegal (not to mention the posisbility they'll break up and the photos will end up everywhere). Like I said I just remember doing a lot of stupid things as a teen (as I'm sure you do too) without even realizing it. I'm young enough that I was talking to "boys" online at that age who might well have been 60 year old pedophiles. This was BEFORE the advent of digital cameras and cheap ubiquitous webcams, THANK GOD, because honestly, who the hell knows. It was a lot of years ago.

It sounds like DD is realizing what she's doing is wrong, but she craves the attention etc. My main recommendation would be to get her into therapy. I'm not sure if you mentioned if she is already in this or not for her self esteem issues, but I think it can help. I would also suggest trying to get her involved in some outside activities where she can meet people (boys!) in a safe environment and interact (in person) and gain some more confidence. As I mentioned I used to chat online a lot at that age, but then when I had actual in-person real life boyfriends I didn't bother with it at all anymore. I also had a lot of real life male friends to interact with, so I had a lot of confidence with men that way. I think if she gets into an activity she can really love, but which will also have a social aspect, it will help her confidence in several ways.

I'm not a parent, but for some reason I feel like my teen years were just yesterday, so hopefully that will help you.

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

its a self esteem issue she has none and you mentioned therapy but is she still going? If not then she needs to. I am not a fan of medication so if she is just taking meds with no therapy she will never learn how to modify her behavior.

She needs to understand perhaps now because she is young (youthful) that these men are interested in her but that is the only reason. If she continues to be sexually explicit with them, they will never care about her or who she really is. She needs to understand that there are people out there that love her now and there are people out there who will love her for her (say all the positive things about her) and that having sex, or talking dirty, or sitting naked and taking pics is a sure sign that these individuals don't love/care for her. Explain that there are men out there who just use young girls due to a illness they have. That these men will hurt her and possibly damage her for life.

Maybe if you explain that to her *perhaps you have but she doesn't get it - she might understand what she is doing is bad.

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

you need to take everything away from her NOW before these "boys" she finds are close enough to home to start having an in-person relationship with her that will end badly. get her in some classes that will help build her self esteem (yoga, dance, programs at the ymca, etc.) and have a police officer explain to her that she can and WILL get arrested for doing things like that.

i have a story that you can share with her that may scare enough sense into her to stop what she's doing...

when she was 15 my stepmother's daughter and her friend started talking to some "boys" on the internet. they ended up living close enough to the town the girls lived in to start hanging out with them at the mall, the movies, basically anywhere they could get to and not have their parents know what they were really doing. the boys (they were 28 years old) eventually started coming to family parties, to hang out at their houses, etc. when she tried to break it off with this guy he refused to let her and started stalking her. my stepmother was worried and couldn't really make sure that this guy wasn't coming around bc both she and her husband worked full time jobs so there was a period of the day when the kids would be home alone (between school and when parents came home from work), so she sent her to live with her aunt in california for a few months. the guy stopped calling and coming around to try and see her so they thought he had given up and brought her back home. for a few months after she got back, my stepmother's parents stayed at the house during the day so there would always be an adult there. after those few months everything still seemed to be fine so the grandparents stopped coming over and my stepmom just called a few times after school to make sure everything was alright. a few weeks later school let out and she was home alone all day. she went missing one day, and a few weeks later they found her body in a ditch on the side of the road. he did it, admitted it, and is in jail for the rest of his life. but, the most important thing is to realize that she knew she had gotten herself into something bad and tried to break it off but it still got her killed in the end. there are CRAZY people out there that will string you along and make you feel good but end up hurting you in the end... just because they can.

Message edited 12/22/2010 11:43:14 AM.

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

The internet adds a whole, new level to parenting, doesn't it?

I probably wouldn't take away her stuff, because she's going to find a way to do it again--just keep on monitoring it. However, I do know a lot of friends who did stuff like this when they were teenagers--it was almost always because of low self esteem. I would have her talk to a counselor--not a psychiatrist, just a counselor--to see where the root of this is coming from. Maybe she just needs to feel better about herself in simple ways (eating better, maybe treating herself to things like manicures/pedicures, joining extra-cirricular activities), or maybe the issue is deeper. You never know unless she starts opening up about it! And, unfortunately, 14 is an age where girls have SUCH a hard time talking to their parents...so why not have an ally in this and have her talk to a younger counselor who specializes in things like this?

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

Is she still going to therapy? It definitely a self-esteem issue. I definitely think her things should be taken away, but I do agree that she will probably find another way to do it. Can you talk to the parents of her friends? Maybe they are doing this too, so she's doing it to fit in as well?
She can be arrested, can be required to file as a sex-offender..that will follow her for life..but does a 14 year old understand that? Probably not.
Ugh, this is a tough one..you want & I think need to punish her..but you also need to make her understand the consequences...which is hard for a 14 year old.

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

this is sooo hard. I have a 13 y/o and its so challenging! Like another poster said I dont think taking away everything is the answer. We have to b realistic, teens do stupid thing I know I did. You can block the internet and access to download apps on her Ipod this way she can still listen to music and have apps that you allow. Remove texting from her phone plan and look at your cell bill for tel #'s and times shes speaking to people. I think she should have her cell in case of emergencies. Her computer needs to b somewhere u can monitor her use. And as everyone said have her see a counselor. I used to see my school psych and it really helped.

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

This happened with my cousin when she was the same age. It came to light that she had been sexually abused and raped as a child. As hard as it might be to think about, is it possible that she has been sexually abused and now has a very distorted vision of how to obtain affection and acceptance? My cousin had been abused from the age of 4 to the age of 8 or 9 and it didn't start to come out until she was about 14 or 15. It's something to seriously consider That's not normal teenage behavior, as far as I'm concerned. I'm so sorry

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

Thank you all for your advice and sincere thoughts. We have taken everything away from her and our computer is in the living room and she will only be able to access it for school reasons. Other then that, she was told if this ever happens again we will transfer her to an All Girls High School - which to her is just short of death!

She is in therapy and continues to go, I don't know what she tells her "Lady" (thats what we refer to her as) but I think its time we have a family session.

Then a part of me thinks maybe I am being too overprotective as I did things too when I was younger and I know she knows - I met my first husband through a chat room (maybe that is why it didn't work out, who knows). But in my heart I know I'm not as this is not safe in this day and age. Things were so much simpler without the internet and all this other technology.

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

First this is a self esteem issue. Both you and your husband have to tell her she is pretty. Have your family members do the same. The fact that she is chubby, well, as a family work on it. Exercise together, eat right, make healthy snacks available. Second, take away all internet devices. Disable the internet on her phone. Give her a phone that has only preset numbers and lock what numbers can go on the phone. If she cannot be trusted - and these repeated strikes show that she cannot be trusted with this technology- make her use a family computer. Install a tracking software to see what is looked at. Have her use the computer in the kitchen or family room. I would continue the therapy, but ask her therapist if family therapy is necessary. Good luck!

Re: Teenager Help/Advice Needed (sorry so long)

I think 3 strikes she is out. all of the Ipods, phones, everything need tobe taken away, for good. get her a very simple cell phone (an old school one) with NO text plan. you have to do this to keep her safe.



I agree with LSP , you have to get her to exercise!

Message edited 12/22/2010 8:58:47 PM.