This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

Not sure if I'm looking for advice or hugs but I need to get this out somewhere. For the last week, DS has been saying "Bye Mommy" and "Mommy leave" in favor of DH. It stings but we're trying to teach him not to be mean and I was kind of chalking it up to me having morning sickness for the last 3 mos and DH picking up some of the things I normally do. But now I'm getting back on track and making sure nightime is our special time again so we thought it would correct itself. As an aside when I told my nanny this last week (to make sure he wasnt starting to be mean to others too), she informed me that this was a permanent change, reserved for only me, because now he knows I abandon him during the day. Thanks Can you tell she's a sensitive one?

Well this morning I felt a stab in my heart, as DS was crying and calling for "daddy" at 5:30am. Then he says the nanny's name. I went in and he screamed "NOOO mommy!" I dont even need to say how that made me feel because I know you all will know it as mothers. I knew it was inevitable when I chose the single care provider route over daycare and always said it would be MY issue to get over as long as he felt safe and loved the person, then that was a good thing. But it hurt more than I ever imagined.

I've always made every effort to spend all my time not working with him. He's with her from 8am - 6:20pm and never a moment later because even if I get stuck somewhere (and trust me, I NEVER go out or anything bc I do everything I can to have that nightime routine with him), DH makes sure he's there and if not him, my mother because we never wanted to become overly dependent on the nanny.

When I went back to work, I frontloaded my hours to 7am to 5:30pm so that I could have more time with him at night. I work in a high pressure financial job and keeping to those hours was a huge change for me but I was committed and made it work. When I was in the city, it still meant seeing him (albeit it not for long) in the morning. Now that Im commuting from LI, I leave at 6am and dont see him at all while DH still has his 2hrs with him in the AM before he leaves (the commute hasnt changed much if anything for him). I also get home about 30min later than I used to too.

Anyone ever go through this and how do you handle it? Is this just a phase? I can't stay home and my job is quite specialized and I wouldnt find anything remotely close on LI. Do I try to work a day from home? But would that make it worse since I would be in the house but not being able to tend to him? Would he resent that more? Or do I attempt to work 4 days a week (which is extremely risky in this environment)? I will be on maternity leave from mid May through September but then I'm afraid he'll resent me and the baby and if I let the nanny go (because I definitely want that time with just us), I'm afraid I'll really upset him bc he loves her. I know he's only been acting like this for a week but I feel like I need to do something quickly so this doesnt get any worse I have vacation between Christmas and New years so i'm hoping that will help a little but who knows?

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

I am so sorry you are going through this...dd does this someimes with DH, she says that she wants ME only....I know it stings but she still loves her daddy, just like your ds still loves you.


And I MUST say, after reading this comment

Posted by Salason

As an aside when I told my nanny this last week (to make sure he wasnt starting to be mean to others too), she informed me that this was a permanent change, reserved for only me, because now he knows I abandon him during the day. Thanks Can you tell she's a sensitive one?

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

I think it's a phase. My MIL watched kids for 15 years before DD came along and she gave up watching other kids to watch my daughter. She said that almost all of the kids that she watched from infants starting calling her mom at some point. She said usually around 1 1/2 and generally it lasted until around age 3.

I had sort of the same thing happen in our house. DH lost his job when DD was 8 months old and stayed home for almost 6 months. They bonded and got really close and she constantly chose him over me. She would wake up in the morning on the weekends and ask for him. She would go to him before she would go to me. It tore me up but I was glad that they had that special bond. Once he went back to work things evened out again.

I know it's tough, but hopefully it will pass soon

ETA: I agree about the nanny...that was way insensitive of her to say to you.

Message edited 12/9/2009 10:17:35 AM.

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

I was the nanny for 2 years.

His mother was very open with me that she cries over the relationship we had with each other.
In the AM, he would run into my house not hugging them goodbye. In the afternoon, he would cry, kick, and scream at her that he did not want to leave.

She felt guilty that she felt like he should not like us as much. She wanted him to be happy, but not that happy. But she coached herself into believing that he was with us for a huge chunk of his week, so it should be where he is happy.

Because the other side seems to be a lot harder if your baby doesn't love their daily situation.

I think you are a great mom for setting your baby's day up with someone who he really loves.

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

On the nanny issue, yes she put me over the edge with that comment and trust me, I cut her off and told her that was not at all helpful and quite frankly served no purpose but to hurt me. She has been extra nice all week because she knew she crossed the line.

But this is the same person who KNEW I had 3 MCs this year and was seeing a specialist and would STILL constantly (at least once a week) tell me how badly Nate needed a sibling and how I needed to hurry up. Unbelievable, right? I've been putting up with it because she's great with DS but come May, she's gone however I am so fearful I'll traumatize DS over it.

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

believe me, he is going to LOVE his time with you.

He's making the best of the situation.

Since you want to be there, he will know it. He is always going to want you over someone else if given the option....currently he doesn't have the option, so he is making due.

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I know exactly how you feel. I work in finance also and I'm out of the house from 7:30 to 6:30 every day.

I see my DS for roughly 2 hours a day. My mom watches him 3x a week and we have a babysitter 2x a week. For a while, when I used to go pick him up after work he would cling on to my mom and scream because he did not want to go home with me. he would cry and cry and arch his whole body so that I could not put him in the stroller. Then when we got to the door, he would literally grad the side of the door to stop the stroller. He would call for my mom's name in the morning as well. It absolutely broke my heart.

But it was a stage. It passed and DS is all about mommy now. He gives me hugs and kisses, and sings my name when I come to the door, walks over to his shoes, brings them to me to put them on him, and says "mommy, go!" (as in let's go)

I think all kids go through phases where they have preferences, and they don't realize what they are saying is hurtful, but it does pass, and in the end, mommy will always win out.


Also, ITA with this:

Posted by pinkandblue

And I MUST say, after reading this comment

Posted by Salason

As an aside when I told my nanny this last week (to make sure he wasnt starting to be mean to others too), she informed me that this was a permanent change, reserved for only me, because now he knows I abandon him during the day. Thanks Can you tell she's a sensitive one?

I would be finding a new nanny....how incredibly insensitive

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

Being a working mom is so difficult. I am the flip of you - I get morning time (2hrs) with DS but I hardly get any time with DS at night. I barely get home to put him to bed and there are many nights that he falls asleep at ~7:30 and I walk in when he is already sleeping.

You are a great mom and doing the best that you can. I think your DS is just going through a phase. At the end of the day, you are and will always be his mom and once he gets a little older, he will realize this and know much you love him.

Message edited 12/9/2009 10:31:02 AM.

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

I think it is absolutely a phase. Who the heck is your nanny to say its a permanent thing? Totally ridiculous, in my opinion because small children are constantly changing their mind over who they prefer. My DD is taken care of by my mom who absolutely dotes on her the entire time. My DD used to prefer my mom all the time but I have noticed that in the past few months my DD will jump into my arms and give me kisses and wave my mom goodbye. I am sure in a few months she will change her mind, LOL, but I think its just the way kids are. I am expecting a second baby as well so I understand how you feel

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

Posted by pinkandblue

Posted by Salason

On the nanny issue, yes she put me over the edge with that comment and trust me, I cut her off and told her that was not at all helpful and quite frankly served no purpose but to hurt me. She has been extra nice all week because she knew she crossed the line.

But this is the same person who KNEW I had 3 MCs this year and was seeing a specialist and would STILL constantly (at least once a week) tell me how badly Nate needed a sibling and how I needed to hurry up. Unbelievable, right? I've been putting up with it because she's great with DS but come May, she's gone however I am so fearful I'll traumatize DS over it.

honestly, WHY is she still employed for you. I cannot understand this. you could find someone who will be GREAT with your son and also with YOU. she has crossed so many lines from what I am reading, I think you need to set her straight...I am so sorry you have to deal with that

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

Posted by pinkandblue

I am so sorry you are going through this...dd does this someimes with DH, she says that she wants ME only....I know it stings but she still loves her daddy, just like your ds still loves you.


And I MUST say, after reading this comment

Posted by Salason

As an aside when I told my nanny this last week (to make sure he wasnt starting to be mean to others too), she informed me that this was a permanent change, reserved for only me, because now he knows I abandon him during the day. Thanks Can you tell she's a sensitive one?

I would be finding a new nanny....how incredibly insensitive

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

Posted by pinkandblue

I am so sorry you are going through this...dd does this someimes with DH, she says that she wants ME only....I know it stings but she still loves her daddy, just like your ds still loves you.


And I MUST say, after reading this comment

Posted by Salason

As an aside when I told my nanny this last week (to make sure he wasnt starting to be mean to others too), she informed me that this was a permanent change, reserved for only me, because now he knows I abandon him during the day. Thanks Can you tell she's a sensitive one?

I would be finding a new nanny....how incredibly insensitive

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

I was more comfortable w/ a Daycare Center than a Nanny for other reasons, but that was always in the back of my mind as well - they 'he's going to like her better' fear ........I get upset when my son sees my MOM and immediately reashes for her if I'm holding him - But I'm hypersensitive about him liking me - LOL -

I am sure it's just a phase. For as much as it hurts you (and it would KILL me)
consider it from the outside - most kids go through a phase where they only want 'Mommy' - (leaving Daddy in the dog house) so his phase is totally and comletely normal - unfortunately, YOU are the one who gets to spend less time w/ him, so he's more attached to 'Daddy' at THIS POINT IN TIME .......it's NOT forever, it's a phase.
He's not going to resent you when you are home on leave, he's going to love it b/c you will be there ........it won't matter to him WHY -

And your Nanny........for as much as your son might love her, is an a$$hole to you !!! I hope she's seriously kissing your tush the rest of the week !!!

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

Posted by MrsGmomof3

Posted by pinkandblue

I am so sorry you are going through this...dd does this someimes with DH, she says that she wants ME only....I know it stings but she still loves her daddy, just like your ds still loves you.


And I MUST say, after reading this comment

Posted by Salason

As an aside when I told my nanny this last week (to make sure he wasnt starting to be mean to others too), she informed me that this was a permanent change, reserved for only me, because now he knows I abandon him during the day. Thanks Can you tell she's a sensitive one?

I would be finding a new nanny....how incredibly insensitive

OMG SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
That he knows you "abandon" him???? *** is wrong with her???

Id be finding a new provider NOW. Not tomorrow, NOW. Thats just WRONG WRONG WRONG! I am left wondering what it is exactly that she SAYS to your son while she has him all day. Does she SAY to him things like "Oh, I know, mommy left you blah blah"... maybe THATS why he is behaving like this. Maybe SHE is making it worse by talking to him about it.

Message edited 12/9/2009 1:00:11 PM.

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

Posted by pickles16

Posted by MrsGmomof3

Posted by pinkandblue

I am so sorry you are going through this...dd does this someimes with DH, she says that she wants ME only....I know it stings but she still loves her daddy, just like your ds still loves you.


And I MUST say, after reading this comment

Posted by Salason

As an aside when I told my nanny this last week (to make sure he wasnt starting to be mean to others too), she informed me that this was a permanent change, reserved for only me, because now he knows I abandon him during the day. Thanks Can you tell she's a sensitive one?

I would be finding a new nanny....how incredibly insensitive

OMG SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
That he knows you "abandon" him???? *** is wrong with her???

Id be finding a new provider NOW. Not tomorrow, NOW. Thats just WRONG WRONG WRONG! I am left wondering what it is exactly that she SAYS to your son while she has him all day. Does she SAY to him things like "Oh, I know, mommy left you blah blah"... maybe THATS why he is behaving like this. Maybe SHE is making it worse by talking to him about it.

I actually think this way as well..I can't help but wonder what idiotic things she's saying to him when you're not around

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Both DD and DS cling to me because I am with them the most- and I know it makes DH sad.

I think you are an AMAZING mother- you are putting your son's feelings and happiness before your own in so many ways- I am truly impressed with your selflessness.

I think, the fact is, is that our kids become attached to whomever they see the most. However, someone once said to me that this will change as they get older. Even if mommy works long hours they "know who mommy is, and that the mommy is special and they will always want their mommy the most."

i believe that statement is true and I'm sure things will get better and he will get out of this stage soon.

In the meantime, call out sick for a day or two if you can- and make yourself feel better and get some snuggle time in.

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

I have to offer you Hang in there!!! I'm so sorry!

Re: This is harder than I thought (very long working mom vent)

Posted by Ophelia

Posted by pickles16

Posted by MrsGmomof3

Posted by pinkandblue

I am so sorry you are going through this...dd does this someimes with DH, she says that she wants ME only....I know it stings but she still loves her daddy, just like your ds still loves you.


And I MUST say, after reading this comment

Posted by Salason

As an aside when I told my nanny this last week (to make sure he wasnt starting to be mean to others too), she informed me that this was a permanent change, reserved for only me, because now he knows I abandon him during the day. Thanks Can you tell she's a sensitive one?

I would be finding a new nanny....how incredibly insensitive

OMG SHE ACTUALLY SAID THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
That he knows you "abandon" him???? *** is wrong with her???

Id be finding a new provider NOW. Not tomorrow, NOW. Thats just WRONG WRONG WRONG! I am left wondering what it is exactly that she SAYS to your son while she has him all day. Does she SAY to him things like "Oh, I know, mommy left you blah blah"... maybe THATS why he is behaving like this. Maybe SHE is making it worse by talking to him about it.

I actually think this way as well..I can't help but wonder what idiotic things she's saying to him when you're not around

guys, I don't think any of this postulation is making her feel any better.

she's already said why she "deals" with the nanny and believes she is great with her son.

she's also said why she is waiting to let the nanny go and I am sure she's thought about these things and is making the best decisions for her son and her family.

to the OP...I am so sorry. I can only imagine how you must have felt. I hope the extra time you will have with your son will show you how much he really loves his mama.