Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

This week I really felt burdened by having to work. I have no other option, we've exhausted lots of possibilities... I have to do this corporate nonsense for now until we start flipping houses for income. Anyway, this is more of a vent and also - I'm terrified I scarred my DD for life.

I've been sick all week and my throat is on fire. However, my company requires a doctor's note for absences longer than 2 days. Back in my pre-baby days - running out to the doctor wasn't such a big deal. My doctor is near suffolk (I used to live and work out that way) and it just felt like too much of a hike, so after being out sick Monday and Tuesday I forced myself back on Wed. Yesterday and today I pretty much walked around in a fog with a tissue up my nose. I can't take any meds when I work either b/c I drive all day long and am very sensitive to meds. So I stuck it out with cough drops and tissues.

Last night after having a few hours worth of work to do, I finally wanted to settle down to sleep, but DH wanted my attention if you know what I mean - but it was late, but we also have not had much intimate time at all since I went back to work... so I didn't get to go to sleep until after midnight. I woke up groggy, didn't have time to shower just threw on make up and a dress and ran out the door - he took DD to daycare. I felt like a total slob. If not just the shower thing, I hate the way my body looks and it's getting rediculous. I caught a glimpse of myself in my dress and I have no back arch anymore for some reason and I'm so short I just looked like a frump. I ran into co-workers and realized how put together they all look and I look like I should be mopping the floor or something. Overall I could live with the day though.

So then I get an email from my boss about a meeting we have coming up and he asked me to change my DD's Pediatrician appointment so I could be at the meeting. I was a little annoyed at the request and honestly, she needs to go when it's scheduled. She needs her vaccinations to stay in daycare and I was a little taken aback at the request. My child comes first. Not to mention that she now has my cold too... her nose is all drippy and she slept most of this evening.

Now for the bad part - I'm going to preface this with saying DD means the world to me and anyone who knows me knows that. She's such a happy and now vocal (loud) baby. She can't talk but she's been making fun sounds and I just can't get enough of her. But I think the juggling of too many things got the best of me. DH got on my nerves, but I ignored it and I woke up DD and went to change her to get her ready for bed. Well, I was trying to change her diaper in such a way as to not disturb her too much since she was so out of it. However, b/c she's only a size 2 diaper she needs to wear a diaper doubler (she sleeps through the night - the little angel). Well for some reason the stupid doubler refused to sit right in the diaper, kept moving to the sides or back. I got frustrated and threw it and the diaper on the floor and grabbed a new set... same thing happened... now I'm getting p*ssed. I hate that they don't make a better diaper for smaller babies to begin with (hello pampers not all 3 mont olds wake up in the middle of the night)... so I got more vocal of my frustration anb started venting to my now very awake and startled DD. DH comes in and that was it... now I started YELLING and slamming doors. The baby ended up peeing on her changing pad and crying. I walked out of the room and slammed the door. Feeling horrible and guilty I went back in and calmly finished diapering her. I changed her clothes and the changing pad (different order, but you get it). I then went to feed her and DH was sitting in my glider with the bottle telling me I need to go calm down somewhere. I told him I already did and I wanted to feed the baby b/c I felt so bad I didn't want her to hate me. He kept rebuking me and that angered me again... bad enough I felt guilty now I feel like a horrible mother who shouldn't even feed her baby. Finally he let me and I felt so bad that I think I scared her. I hope this won't do bad things to her development. I hate this life of trying to work. I don't get why our society doesn't value taking care of children as a full time job. So I feel drained, I hate myself, and I just feel like I just can't be perfect in every role and the one that's most important to me is that of being a mother. Yet my job wants me to be perfect at my job and honestly, I almost don't care anymore. It's a means to an end. It's a good career, but now I want to enjoy my child. Instead I'm going to be a half wit employee and a half wit mom instead of being really good at being a mom. Sorry if I make no sense, I just feel guilty, bad and I just want to stick my head in the ground right now. I stood over her crib and begged DD to smile at me... she did and it made me feel a little better. She's such a perfect baby... I don't want to do anything to cause her to have issues.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

You are not a horrible mommy and DD is not going to be scarred. I know how hard it is to be a working mom-sending you tons of hugs

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

You aren't superwoman...We have all been there and we are all human. Stop beating yourself up.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

I think everyone feels overwhelmed at times, working moms and SAHM's. Everyone has their bad days, and even weeks. Just remember that tomorrow is a new day. I stress big time, and i've learned that when I'm starting to feel overwhelmed, I just need to breathe and take a break, even if for just a minute. I definitely don't think you scarred your DD. You sound like a great mom who is doing the best for her. Don't get down on yourself.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

You are not a bad mother, you just feel overwhelmed (and trust me I've been there). It is so hard juggling work and an infant. You will not be causing your DD harm because one time you yelled.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

Such a familiar story! I had a bunch of days like that when DD was little- sleep deprivation will do that to you. You are sick, juggling too much and have too much on your plate. Your DH isn't really supporting you(this used to get me crazy too and still does), your boss is more concerned with his meeting than your child's needs, and you feel like crap.

You did not damage her in any way- children that young do not have any active memories, long or short term so don't worry. Everyone, ESPECIALLY moms is entitled to throw a fit occasionally

You are a great Mommy- please don't feel guilty- you are doing everything you can.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

Hang in there. What you are feeling is normal or at least I hope it is because I am in the same boat and could have written something very similiar. I hope you find a way to make it work for you. Make sure you find time to sleep and pamper yourself every so often. It doesn't have to be anything big just something that makes you happy. Maybe get a babysitter for a few hours if you can and get out with DH. As hard as it will be to leave her because you feel you aren't spending enough time with her as it is, after you will appreciate DD and eachother more.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

Aww, I'm seriously almost in tears after reading this because I have been there!!!! I know how horrible it feels when it gets like this, but tomorrow's a new day. I promise that it does get easier, and you will get the hang of this working/being a mommy gig. It'll never be completely easy, but it will definitely get better. Don't beat yourself up. You have NOT scarred your DD in anyway, shape or form. I promise!

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

Thank you so much for the kind words. I just feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions. I know DH is trying his best, but he still takes time to sit and play video games on the computer and doesn't apologize for it. Me on the other hand... I won't even take a half hour to exercise b/c I feel like when I come home - that's DD's time with me. She's been away from me all day, why would I want to stick her in a swing and ignore her while I exercise? I hate that she's away from me all day to begin with. Same thing goes for the pedicure I've been dying to get and the Japanese hair straightening appointment (which would make my mornings easier) which I've been putting off b/c it's a 7 hour project in Queens.

I guess I'm just not getting how to keep my job (or even excel at it as management wants me to do of course) and yet be everything I want to be for my DD. There aren't enough hours and I must be a wimp b/c I already got sick trying.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

you are not a horrible mom - she'll never remember it and all will be well. it is a shame that full time parenting isn't honored in our culture - i wish that would change, but it won't any time soon.

i will tell you what my principal told me when i was having a hard time returning to work after rocco was born - you can never give 100% of yourself to everyone or everything - you should come first b/c w/o your sanity, nothing will ever be done well.
for a better night

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

You are not a terrible mother. I am a working mom and it can be so difficult juggling Home, Being a wife, mother and employee. If I was you, I would try to find another job. One where they are more understanding about you being a working mom.

I got lucky with my job and I am thankful, but that still does not take all the stress away. I have come home at night put DS to bed and started to cry cause of the stress. So, I take a step back, grab a mug of tea and just sit even for just ten minutes to just be. That is what works for me.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

First things first, stop expecting so much of yourself! All you need to do is be the best mom and the best woman you are ABLE to be at a certain time. And guess what? That might not mean being perfect.
I know that you really want to spend all your time wiht DD when you get home from work, but I think you're DH is on to something. He's not apologizing for playing video games because he knows he needs that time to unwind. Just like YOU shouldn't apologize for needing that same time. If you need to exercise for half an hour, DO IT! If you need to be alone for a little while, DO IT! You're not doing anyone any favors by putting yourself last. You still come first because you cannot be everything you need to be without taking care of yourself. You ARE important! More than you think, so stop neglecting yourself and start making time for yourself

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

You didn't scare DD for life... I hope you are feeling better and as another mommy said, tomorrow is another day! It happens to everyone when you are tired and you are overwhelmed.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

awwww, i can completely relate to the madness of the working mom.

The important thing to take away from this incident is that you realize what you did and can comprehend how it made you feel. I doubt you scarred DD for life. What you can do now is use this experience as motivation to try and find another outlet to vent out the frustration. Whether it be stepping away, deeps breaths, whatever. Because these moments do get further apart as you get used to the role, but they never go away.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

I think we've all been there before...I know I have been. Try not to be so hard on yourself...and def take some "me" time!!

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

I think every working mom has had a moment like that. You are not a bad mom and I am sure your DC and DH love you.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

Posted by prncss

First things first, stop expecting so much of yourself! All you need to do is be the best mom and the best woman you are ABLE to be at a certain time. And guess what? That might not mean being perfect.
I know that you really want to spend all your time wiht DD when you get home from work, but I think you're DH is on to something. He's not apologizing for playing video games because he knows he needs that time to unwind. Just like YOU shouldn't apologize for needing that same time. If you need to exercise for half an hour, DO IT! If you need to be alone for a little while, DO IT! You're not doing anyone any favors by putting yourself last. You still come first because you cannot be everything you need to be without taking care of yourself. You ARE important! More than you think, so stop neglecting yourself and start making time for yourself

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

It happens to the best of us, it really does All you can do is take it day by day

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

I totally understand how you feel. TOTALLY. And i am gettign ready to have number 2 and will need to go back to work and just dont know how I will keep up. You are allowed to snap once in awhile. Many people dont realize how hard it is to juggle being a mom and working full time its like we have 2 full time jobs. Plus we have to take care of our DH's which is another full time job. You need to take some time for yourself though when you start to feel better. Exercise, get some rest, go to a spa, mani or pedi, get your hair done. Do the things that make YOU feel good. There is no rule that says that us moms have to give every single ounce of ourselves to our families. What about us? That is something you need to think about.

Re: Frustrated working mom - I feel like the worst b/c I totally lost it tonight - long vent

I think we have all had our days when the stress of working and taking care of baby gets very hard. You were sick and sounded like you needed a good nights sleep. Dont feel like a bad mom (working moms and SAHM) have a melt down day or night. It happens!

AS a btdt mom I used to feel guilty going to get a haircut or a manicure etc but now DH encourages me to do it b/c it really is good for your sanity! Dont feel guilty you need some "me" time so that when you return to your daughter you can give her your full attention instead of giving her half because you feel bad about your self. HTH!