*Tiny update* Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I don't even know where to start. I feel like I am in an imnpossible situation and that there is just no perfect solution.

I have a DS, age 3.5, and am expecting DS2 in August. As if everything that comes with the birth of another child/sibling weren't enough to contend with, DH has been offered an amazing position with his same employer BUT it's in FL.

We currently live 5 minutes from my parents and they are amazing with DS. My dad is here now playing with him. DS sees my dad every day and my mom about 4 days/week. My dad comes over every day to play with DS for about 1.5 hrs. DS adores them and honestly as a SAHM, having my dad over for an hour or 2 is a sanity saver for me. DS also loves visiting my parents and we eat dinner there 2 x week. They babysit on Fridays when I work.

So, DH's job will start very very soon. They know we're expecting DS2 in August but this job is a big deal and it was really fast-tracked.

My dilemma is that I feel that I cannot move to FL right after this baby is born (moving before is also not an option, I'm high risk plus we need to sell our house).

I just feel like I need to protect DS1 - As if having to deal with a new sibling after being an only child for 4 years wasn't enough, moving would mean taking DS1 away from the only home and neighborhood and school he's ever known, AND worse, taking him away from my parents who he sees every day and adores. They are a HUGE support system for us.

It would mean moving to a new house and an area where we know NO ONE. I would literally be home alone every single day with a newborn and almost 4 yo while DH was off at work. I honestly do not think *I* could handle that. I'm sure other women could, I could not. Being a SAHM is a true labor of love in my case, it's not something that comes naturally to me. I feel like i'm losing my mind some days as it is. Also, I found the newborn period overwhelming and don't look forward to it. And then how can I give my 3.5 yo the attention and care he needs. Ugh!

I suggested to DH that he move to FL on his own initially and that we would join him in December once DS2 is about 3-4 months and we have settled into some sort of routine and DS1 has adjusted. I'd have my parents here who'd be a huge help. DH would be home for 2 weeks after the baby is born. That's all he gets.

DH thinks that DS1 would suffer more being away from him father (who he adores) than moving and dealing with a new sib in a new place and never seeing his grandparents.

I feel like I need to take care of myself and DS1 and stay here. I honestly feel that I could not handle being there alone (DH suggested a nanny, but I don't want a stranger). I cannot express this enough - I do not think I could emotionally handle being over there alone all day with 2 kids (1 a newborn) and have no one. DH gets upset bc he says it's all about me, not DS1. But, if I am not emotionally ok, how can I be a good mother to my boys, kwim. I feel like it's about both of us.

DH is really upset. I don't know what to do. Maybe I am being closed minded, I don't know. Just looking for some perspective. I feel like I and DS1 will be the ones making all the sacrifices for him to get what he wants. He'll be at work all day and will be just fine. What about the rest of us?

As a side note, after DH and I got married, I decided to pursue an entirely new career, one which required a doctorate. I was in school for 7 years. DH supported me all the way, emotionally, financially, he was amazing. And after all that I became a SAHM when DS was 1, which he also supports (I work PT now, 2 days). We took a financial hit but we didn't need to move or anything. I honestly supported him as he was going through the process of meeting the higher ups and interviewing, etc. It was intense and I always supported him and encouraged him but now that the process is done, my true feelings are coming out and it's not going well.

Update:
A lot of what everyone said made a lot of sense. I underestimated how difficult it would be for DS to be without his daddy. And was probably being selfish. We are a family and I guess that we should move down together. I would never ask DH not to take the job. I am terrified but that's why DH and I work so well together, we're different - where I am afraid he pushes us forward and vice versa. We've been married 10+years. I told DH we'd go down together after the birth and it made him happy. Still, I'm not sure how this will move will work logistically. He *may* have to head down to FL before DS2 is born. We (DS and I) just cannot go before. I had too many complications with my last delivery and during the postpartum period to be with a new OB and no help. It was that bad, medically, last time. I asked him to ask to be permitted to work out of NY for 3-4 weeks after DS2 is born in addition to the 2 weeks he'd be taking off for paternity. This would made DS2 about 5-6 weeks old and we'd leave together. He's not sure. I don't know what he wants

Message edited 5/23/2013 11:03:38 AM.

Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I am saying this completely seriously and without any snark: Why did you support this change if you didn't really want it?

It seems like you didn't truly think about these changes. I think DH has every right to be upset, especially given the support he gave you.

I think you have to go at this point, and make the best of it. Splitting up your family could cause major, irreparable damage. I really think you need to think this through more. It does not sound like this change is going to be good for your family. I don't think you're giving DH a chance.

I truly truly hope you can make the best of this situation. I really do. To reneg on the plans after you supported him should rightfully so upset him. You can't tell him it's OK, and then back out on it. You're in a marriage, and you have to both be 100% on the same page at the same time

Message edited 5/22/2013 4:34:24 PM.

Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I have to agree with your DH on this one. I think he has every right to be upset TBH. Your family is a unit and everything you do and every decision you make should be made together. Splitting up the family is a bad idea may casue resentment on your DH's part. Mostly due to not feeling supported, especially when you said he was so supportive of you.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

Message edited 5/22/2013 4:53:14 PM.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

Are your parents retired? Is there any way they could come with you guys and stay for a month to help out? Personally I could not move while just about to have db2. I wouldn't want dh to go alone either, what a predicament! Is it a life changing salary in Florida? If not completely life changing I wouldn't go. If it is, and your mom or dad can help for a month , I would go.

If dh goes ahead, can you live w your parents until you are ready to move down there?

I understand your DH being upset, it's a tough choice

Message edited 5/22/2013 4:49:23 PM.

Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I am giving you my opinion based soley on my exoerience growing up.

My parents moved us a bunch of times. Each time my father would go a few months early and we would follow up. I hated it. I hated my dad for it. My relationship with my father suffered for a long time.

Also kids are resilient. More so the younger they are. OUtside of the relationship with my father, the moves were easier on me than on my sister who was 3 years older.

These moves happened from when I was 3 til I was 8ish.

IMO you made the decision as a family then you need to move as a family. I would suggest looking for a house in FL in a gated community. That way there are activites int eh community that you can get involved in and get your family involved in. Life there is very different than in NY. neighbors actually talk to eat other unlike most places i have lived in NY.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

Message edited 5/22/2013 5:26:37 PM.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I really empathize with you-- my kids are very close to my parents, I am a SAHM too... I would have very similar conflicted feelings if I were in your situation.

That said, I think you really need to continue supporting your husband here. You say he supported you a lot for years while you got your doctorate, it's time to do the same for him, even if it's hard. Also, you express more worry about separating your DS from his grandparents than from his own daddy (if your DH moved down a few months before you). I struggle with this sort of thing myself sometimes-- you NEED to put your husband first. You, DH and the kids are a family. Your parents are very important, but your little family unit should be #1.

If your parents couldn't come down for a couple of weeks after the baby is born, why not at least TRY the idea of a babysitter or mother's helper? You don't have to leave the kids alone with her-- she could just play with your older one and give you time with your newborn or just to nap/relax, etc. And you might actually enjoy her company.

Good luck!

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I feel for you. Did your DH accept the position already? If not, I would think seriously about whether you are OK with moving away from your parents. If you are and commit to making the move, I think you need to embrace it and put your family (with DH) first and move with him. I couldnt imagine keeping my kids away from DH for 3-4 months, especially if it was an arrangement he didnt want. If your parents are retired could they come down and stay with you for a month or two to help you adjust and get settled? If not, could you hire some kind of mothers helper?

I know its not ideal, but if you are going forward with the move I think you need to do it as a family...

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I know it's a hard decision to relocate and leave everyone you know behind. I have done it once before and it was not easy. But ultimately, I think you need to stick together as a family and support each other through these new changes. I know it's scary and probably will be a harder adjustment on you as a SAHM but I feel that it's what you need to do to support your DH and family.

I agree with the above poster who said that kids are resilient. Its true. They roll with changes much easier than we tend to give them credit for, especially when they are younger. I can only assume your DH thought you were on board with the move otherwise he wouldn't have gone through the whole interview process so I think it's up to you to find a way to make the best of this situation. I don't think it's fair to your DH to go months without seeing his son or to miss out on supporting you through the remainder of your pregnancy. I think your best bet is to start researching the area, find some mommy groups to join, and look into what other things are available to you in the neighborhood in order to make the transition easier on you.

Change is scary, I totally get that, but I *personally* think that breaking up a family is never the right option if it can be avoided. I am sure you will miss your parents and vice versa but your son needs his dad and you need your DH. I think you need to go. And maybe it will be fantastic. Sometimes the anticipation is scarier and worse than the reality of it all. You might look back and think its the best thing you and your DH did for your family. And the fact is, waiting until December won't make it any easier to leave. It is going to be hard whether you move now or in a few months and all you are really doing is delaying the inevitable and possibly straining your marriage in the process. KWIM?

Good luck!!! I really hope it all works out for you guys.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I really feel for you as I cannot imagine moving away from my parents who live close and are a huge support to us, that said, I think you have to go with your DH. I feel like it is not fair for him to be away from his sons for months at a time, especially a newborn baby, I am sure it would break his heart to miss the first days with his boy. I think the idea of a nanny is a good one for the beginning to help you out.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

Posted by Loveme

Posted by computergirl

I really empathize with you-- my kids are very close to my parents, I am a SAHM too... I would have very similar conflicted feelings if I were in your situation.

That said, I think you really need to continue supporting your husband here. You say he supported you a lot for years while you got your doctorate, it's time to do the same for him, even if it's hard. Also, you express more worry about separating your DS from his grandparents than from his own daddy (if your DH moved down a few months before you). I struggle with this sort of thing myself sometimes-- you NEED to put your husband first. You, DH and the kids are a family. Your parents are very important, but your little family unit should be #1.

If your parents couldn't come down for a couple of weeks after the baby is born, why not at least TRY the idea of a babysitter or mother's helper? You don't have to leave the kids alone with her-- she could just play with your older one and give you time with your newborn or just to nap/relax, etc. And you might actually enjoy her company.

Good luck!

Agree with this word for word. Wishing you lots of luck during this time !!

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

Honestly, I see both sides of it. I'm also not one of those people meant to be a SAHM and I hate being alone. The thought of being in a new place away from all my friends and family might bring me to the point of serious depression and resentment.

I also see your DH's side too and how he can feel resentful for you separating him from his family and his newborn while he is struggling by himself, at a new job, in another state, also by himself.

Is there anyway you can postpone the move by 1 month? That will give you some time to adjust to the newborn a bit and then maybe the move won't be as daunting.

I agree with finding mommy groups in the area in advance of the move.

Good luck with your decision!

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you but my thoughts are that if this move is definitely happening, you're only delaying the inevitable by choosing to stay in NY an extra few months. I also think it's going to be harder on you then because not only are you going to be concerned about your DS leaving your parents, now you're going to be upset about your grandparents not being with the baby.
I also agree with the posters that said that it's unfair to your DH. I'm not talking about the supporting him through the interview process, etc but about him not being with his son and newborn baby for a few months. We all know how quickly newborns change and I think to not stay together as a family is really unfair to him. Also, I think you're underestimating the impact that it's going to have on your son to not be with his Daddy all the time. My DH is a firefighter and between that and working 12 hour shifts at a hospital, it isn't uncommon that sometimes multiple days will go by that our 3 year old is not seeing him. Even though they talk on the phone and Facetime, my son cries for Daddy almost every day. He's not crying for his grandparents, he's crying for Daddy.

Maybe when you move, you could look into PT school for your older son? It would give you a break and one on one time with the baby AND for YOU, I think it could be a wonderful thing socially. My son started nursery this past school year at 2.5 and I always say that it's been as wonderful for me as it's been for him. I've met some amazing Mommy friends through his school and these friendships keep me going on the rough days.
I'm in Florida too - been here almost six years - can't believe it - Long Island will always be my home and I miss it dearly. We're fortunate that we get to come home in the summers but I'm doing the best I can to make my life good here and although I've made good friends here, the addition of the Mommy friends this past year has been a blessing. Let me know what area of Florida it is, you can FM if you don't want it out there publicly.

Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

Where are you FL Moms and soon to be FL Mom (op) located? I'm in fl too, 7 yrs. fm if you'd like.

Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I really think you need to move with DH. It will be hard yes. But you will figure it all out. Have your parents come for a few weeks. I really dot think you should break up your family. It's an overwhelming situation, but you will be fine. Good luck.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

I think you need to go together as a family and give it a chance. Give yourself a year and then reevaluate. Explain to dh that you're scared to death and he needs to promise that if after a year you are miserable and desperate to come back that it will be seriously considered. I would also try and get my parents to stay for a while if it's possible.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

Posted by DiamondGirl



I really feel for you as I cannot imagine moving away from my parents who live close and are a huge support to us, that said, I think you have to go with your DH. I feel like it is not fair for him to be away from his sons for months at a time, especially a newborn baby, I am sure it would break his heart to miss the first days with his boy. I think the idea of a nanny is a good one for the beginning to help you out.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

This is a tough one.

I couldn't move away from my family, even though it would be GREAT for our careers and we would live like kings in Florida.

It's a personal decision. My advice would be to rent & not sell your house until you are settled in. I know many people who dug themselves into a financial hole by selling and rebuying a house, only to be really unhappy.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

i have to side with DH on this one. You knew all this was going to happen before he said yes to the job and you agreed to go. i think it unfair now to change what was originally discussed and agreed apon.

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

We moved to VA four years ago for my dH's job. It was a fantastic career opportunity for him. My son was 15 months and very attached to my parents. They watched him while I worked.

However, even though it was hard, we are a family unit, and I knew it would work out. I also was a SAHM, and got pregnant shortly after we moved here. I had a newborn, and a 2 year old, without knowing anyone around. I got out and made friends by taking DS to gym and music classes.

When they are little, it is easier for the kids to adjust. They don't have school and a circle of friends to leave behind.

We love it here, and are in a much better place financially.

Bonus- my parents decided to move here two years ago, too!

We still miss friends and family members up north, but I know we made the right choice for our family!!!

Re: Huge WWYD? (super long) Expecting DS2, moving OOS

did your Dh take the position yet? It sounds like to me you are leaning more toward staying in NY. If he did, then I wouldn't break the family apart and go down when he is scheduled to go down.