Toddler and BDTD moms

I'm going through a REALLY bad rough patch with Alex. She's just totally incorrigible, total misery these days.

Every morning when she wakes up, if Dh goes into her room to get her, she SCREAMS at the top of her lungs, NO DADDY, for at least 10 minutes, pounding her little fists onto her bed. Now, mind you, DH gets her in the AM 6 days out of the week so this should be no suprise to her. We go through the same routine when she wakes up from naps, for at least 10-15 minutes.

Her mood swings are off the hook. For goodness sake, yesterday she had a 20 minute tantrum because I was changing her for bed, and when I took off her shirt, she started screaming and crying "MY shirt!". If I give her the wrong cereal, she throws herself to the ground, pounds her fists and feet and throws an insane tantrum. In fact, if I do ANYTHING that's not exactly how she wants (i.e. put her baby doll down on her back instead of on her belly) it sends her into an embarassing tizzy.

She hits Dh and I, graps our cheeks, pinches, pulls my hair, etc. When I pull her off of me, tell her NO sternly, and put her in timeout, she smirks or laughs.

If I put her in timeout for ANYTHING she either starts playing with something, in which case, I have to put her BACK in timeout, and even when she DOES stay in timeout, she just laughs or smirks.

I'm at my wit's end here. She was just so bad yesterday that I came home from that wedding and cried, and cried, and cried.

It makes me feel like such a failure of a mother that I can't seem to rope her in at all, that I allow myself to get so worked up by her antics, that I've raised my voice to her more in this past week than I ever have in her whole life, and that I see others looking at me disapprovingly, thinking to themselves that I should just let her be, and stop nagging her, and instead just revel in the enthusiasm for live that she has.

Any advice, words of wisdom, alcohol maybe?

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

I'm not there, yet.. but def. wanted to give you some !

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

Antonio has his mood swings too...sometimes when he wakes up from a nap or the morning nobody can talk to him for 20-30 minutes.

I just figured he woke up on the wrong side of the bed ...like we do sometimes.

I have noticed some molars coming in because he chews on his pacifier and pushes in his cheek. I know they are around the same age so that might be it.

What I can say is that everything is a phase and it too shall pass.

He would hit...I would stress myself out and then it passed. He started throwing ...I searched for advice and then it stopped.

Now he is in the "don't take off any my clothes" stage!

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

I have no advice or words of wisdom, but I can offer some hugs. I KNOW you're doing a great job as a mom - it is simply evident from all your posts.

Oh, and here's a beer (one of my favorites ).

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

2 years old is the time for independence & communication. Well there still might be, but for 2 year olds, they want choices and they don't know how to tell you. They want control & well, sometimes they can't have it.

Joseph would fall to pieces if we closed the refrigerator & he wanted to do it. DH insisted there was something neurologically wrong with Joseph. (Well there still could be but it's not called toddlerhood).

At least that's what worked for us. When she screams No Daddy! - you don't give in. Have Daddy give her a choice about anything "Do you want waffles or pancakes?" "Do you want the red shirt or blue one?" For us, we gave choices whenever we could over little things because it made them feel in control, which is utlimately what a child needs to feel to some degree. Somethings are non-negotiable (a word Joseph could say at 17 months). Daddy gets her dressed.

When she hits you, put her in time out & completely ignore her. If she gets out of the chair, tell her she's got another minute. Ignore her faces completely - easier said then done, I agree...but try.

Pick & choose your battles for your own sanity. If that doesn't work, coconut martinis

Don't feel like a failure. If that's a sign of a bad mother, then every mom of a 2-3-4 year old is competing for the title.

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

Posted by nrthshgrl

2 years old is the time for independence & communication. Well there still might be, but for 2 year olds, they want choices and they don't know how to tell you. They want control & well, sometimes they can't have it.

Joseph would fall to pieces if we closed the refrigerator & he wanted to do it. DH insisted there was something neurologically wrong with Joseph. (Well there still could be but it's not called toddlerhood).

At least that's what worked for us. When she screams No Daddy! - you don't give in. Have Daddy give her a choice about anything "Do you want waffles or pancakes?" "Do you want the red shirt or blue one?" For us, we gave choices whenever we could over little things because it made them feel in control, which is utlimately what a child needs to feel to some degree. Somethings are non-negotiable (a word Joseph could say at 17 months). Daddy gets her dressed.

When she hits you, put her in time out & completely ignore her. If she gets out of the chair, tell her she's got another minute. Ignore her faces completely - easier said then done, I agree...but try.

Pick & choose your battles for your own sanity. If that doesn't work, coconut martinis

Don't feel like a failure. If that's a sign of a bad mother, then every mom of a 2-3-4 year old is competing for the title.

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

My advice is to respect that she may want things a certain way, and to fulfill her requests when they are reasonable. Encourage her to ask nicely if you are at a ramp up to a fit but before the fit has started.

And if she has gone straight to insane tantrum, tell her you can't understand her when she is yelling and walk away as long as she is somewhere safe. With my similiarly spirited daughter yelling is never effective. Walking away isn't always effective either but its a heck of a lot more pleasant for me.

I never found timeouts effective with my daughter. For hitting. pinching, etc, it usually "No hitting, that hurts mommy" followed by me immediately leaving the room.

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

Thanks everyone

I think it's just exasperated by the fact that I'm PMS right now, and totally frustrated that we never get a break. I think I would have more patience to handle the tantrums and mood swings, if we just had someone reliable, who we trusted, who could intervene and take Alex for a day when we're both so obviously fed up and exhausted.

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

Beth, we have hit this stage too, albeit you seem to have a bit more of a spirited one on you...

Bella laughs devilishly if we ask her to come to us to change her or dress her...and I mean eyes-down-looking-up-with-a-smirk-because I know I am doing something wrong look...

I do raise my voice more than I would like to admit, but honestly that seems to be the only thing that gets a reaction. Timeouts that require silence and no fidgeting usually gets a rise out of her...She ALWAYS tells me what she did wrong and why she shouldn't do it again...but she still winds right back up in there.

I feel it's a very large milestone stage of testing their limits. I was warned about it, but never thought she would be this devilish (and angelic at times)

It is frustrating and somethimes gut-wrenching how it toys with extreme emotions...but I just keep disciplining her how I feel I should and I do see her having some improvements, SOME thinking twice.

Bella is also very anti-daddy when I am around. It kills DH, but he will power through a bathtime where she only wants mommy and tell her gently that HE wants to hang out with her and mommy is busy. It barely helps...but they need to realize that they can't get their way by screaming and crying.

I only know that it can get better, or hope it gets better...

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

I sent you an FM. But we are having the same kinds of problems. Throw yourself on the floor tantrums around the clock, waking up in the night for 2 hours, being a little sh1t in general.....

I am exhausted from dealing with Noah today...thank goodness he is asleep. I can't wait to take him to daycare tomorrow...

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

First -
sounds like you have your hands full and could use some hugs.

Second - you are a wonderful mommy - don't ever ever doubt that.
She is 2 - end of sentence.
What she is doing is normal - like Barb and others have said - she wants control and will fight every step of the way for it.

I have 2 that are 2 right now - its 6:20pm and I am happily at work.

Just kidding - I know how hard it is and I coudn't fathom not having any help at all - so my heart goes out to you for not getting any break from it just to regain your santiy.

I promise you that this is a phase and it will pass - but you hold your own and don't give in - its a battle - (kinda) - show her that you are the boss not her.

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

We are in a very similar situation. When Jordana is upset, she has a hysterical tantrum. My sister who also has a toddler can't beleive how intense Jordana's tantrums are. Putting her in the stroller is a nightmare. This mornign Dh thought maybe we should talk to someone about her. The thing is, I can usually give her a pacifier and she will clam down. But I don't want to give her the pacifier when she is upset if we are at home.

I just chalk it up to being a part of growing up and her personality. As long as I don't give into her everytime she throws a tantrum, I think I am doing right by her.

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

Carlie is going through the same thing. The temper tantrums at times are unbearable. I try to just walk away, as long as we are somewhere safe. Tonight we had a full-out tantrum because she does not want a brown coat she wants a pink coat and every morning she throws a fit because she wants white socks. I am starting to try giving her choices , This one or that one. It works sometimes. I wish I had the answers. Hang in there.

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

It is a stage, I can assure you all that they will grow out of it.

I remember being so frustrated that I got down on the floor & had a tantrum with him. He stopped & stared at me. I said "Mommy looks silly? Joseph looks silly too."

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

I know different things work with different children, and a lot depends upon the child. My DS is very verbal and seems to understand everything we say. I know it sounds ridiculous, but we actually reason with him. When he whines or cries because he wants something, we tell him he can't have it because we don't respond to whining and crying. We tell him to ask for it nicely and we will consider it. Sometimes we just have to say no - like when he wants daddy to do everything. Yes, that's right - when we are both here, he always wants daddy and it just kills me. Daddy is the one who has to say no - mommy will change your diaper or mommy will give you a bath. It takes a few minutes but it sinks in and he accepts it. If he hits or pinches, I take his hand and tell him to look me in the eye and tell him it is not okay. Then I make him repeat it to me to make sure he understands. And I try to give him choices whenever I can. I also try to understand why he is acting the way he is - I try to calm him and ask him what's wrong and if it's not something major, I give in.

As I said, all children are different and I think I got lucky that mine seems to be fairly intelligent and rational (as much as you can get for a two year old). I guess the best you can do is try different things to see what works for you.

You're not a bad mommy - you just have a two year old.

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

I am currently going through something VERY similar. The difference is, we give Ava too much credit. She is so smart and on-the-ball, but she really doesn't "understand" consequences yet. So giving her a time-out has very little meaning.
Hang in there. While I have no real advice, I just want to say that you're doing the best that you can and the calmer you stay, the more effective you can be. I really do wish that I lived nearby. I would help you out in a complete millisecond if you needed

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

Obviously you're not alone here.
But seriously, never doubt yourself...you're doing an amazing job.
I'm going through a similar situaton myself...One example...
My Alex does NOT want to wear clothes...she ONLY wants to wear her pj's and every day I DREAD the time when I have to dress her, b/c I swear to you, sometimes I feel a straight jacket couldn't hold her down! She throws a fit, screams, practically hyperventialtes, holds her "blankies", and proceeds to curl up on the h/w floor into a fetal position, I just let her go at it until she calms down a bit.
Ahhhhh...the terrible twos.
Hang in there...

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

First of all, .

Ava and Alex could be twins. Ava just turned 3, and it has been tough on me since about 18 months.

I have read book after book and have even went to the Ped to discuss her tantrums. They never take me seriously.

Over the past year, the tantrums have calmed SLIGHTY. Now we have new issues to deal with. First was sleep refusual. I took her to a Pediatric Sleep Disorder Specialist. Everyone laughed at me and thought I was ridiculous. I followed his advice to a T. Within 3 days she was sleeping through the night. next week, I have an appointment with a Pediatric Nutritionist to get advice on how to get her to eat. She literally eats nothing for days at a time.

I have a feeling that the Nutritionist will pretty much say the same thing as the Sleep Specialist. We need to come across as a strong front and show her that we are in charge. We need to get tougher. I think the fact that she is our only, we focus all of our attention on her, and she pretty much knows that the world revolves around her is our biggest issue.

As far as tantrums, I try not to let it upset me as much anymore. She threw a doooooozey of a fit in Babies-R-Us this weekend over a toy. I am starting to recognize the patterns of her behavior and what affects it....hunger, exhuastion, over-stimulation. Basically, right now, most stores and all restuarants, but Friendly's are not options for us.

In Ava's case, I think that she is a born leader. I think that she likes to take charge and knows what she wants. It is torture to me at times, but someday she will be a CEO, or the first woman president....

Also, Ask your parents if you were like Alex. Mine laugh at all of Ava's antics and say that I was exactly like she is and now it is my time to be tested....

Message edited 10/29/2007 11:25:47 PM.

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

You have FM- briefly, my DD is also going through this stage and has tantrums all the time. You are not a bad mother, you're doing an awesome job and this is just something that comes with being a parent of a toddler. Keep doing what you're doing, just don't be so hard on yourself!

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

Beth we are right there in Toddler hell of a spirit toddler with you. My DD freaked out tonight at my Mom's because my mom bought a new plastic bin to put her toys in. My mom said it was 20 minutes of hyperventilation and pure drama over the damn bin.

My daughter is also in her man phase and it's all about my step-father and her my DH. When I go to pick her up at daycare she runs over to me smacks me and tells me to go away she wants Daddy That certainly makes me feel special. (I am trying to remember that she is only 2 1/2 and when she is scared and hurt that she wants Mommy for comfort ) We are in the middle of redoing rooms here and moving things around and they are bring out the worst in her right now. If she doesn't agree with the choices we have made she yells and screams and hits and throw things. It's awful. But she is slowly learning that we are the bosses and not her though she still thinks she is.

Please do not feel like a failure as a mother because I am right there with you! We will just pray that they are getting all of this out now before they hit the 'pms years'

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

Beth it is a phase. I cant tell you how many times I called my mother to say that Sara is impossible. I told my parents to take sara to Florida for a few days to whip he into shape ( I was kidding of course). Sara is similiar to your Alex . Sara now bites .. I think this is why to call it terrible two's.

I am sorry you are going through this. Just remember YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

Two year olds are very hard headed little people. I wish you luck - it will pass in time .

Message edited 10/29/2007 11:12:45 PM.

Re: Toddler and BDTD moms

Posted by Bxgell2

Posted by nrthshgrl

2 years old is the time for independence & communication. Well there still might be, but for 2 year olds, they want choices and they don't know how to tell you. They want control & well, sometimes they can't have it.

Joseph would fall to pieces if we closed the refrigerator & he wanted to do it. DH insisted there was something neurologically wrong with Joseph. (Well there still could be but it's not called toddlerhood).

At least that's what worked for us. When she screams No Daddy! - you don't give in. Have Daddy give her a choice about anything "Do you want waffles or pancakes?" "Do you want the red shirt or blue one?" For us, we gave choices whenever we could over little things because it made them feel in control, which is utlimately what a child needs to feel to some degree. Somethings are non-negotiable (a word Joseph could say at 17 months). Daddy gets her dressed.

When she hits you, put her in time out & completely ignore her. If she gets out of the chair, tell her she's got another minute. Ignore her faces completely - easier said then done, I agree...but try.

Pick & choose your battles for your own sanity. If that doesn't work, coconut martinis

Don't feel like a failure. If that's a sign of a bad mother, then every mom of a 2-3-4 year old is competing for the title.

I've read your posts on this before, and I've taken them to heart, and now I ALWAYS offer a choice between TWO options only. It certainly does help, but lately she is just out of control. Even when I give her two options, if what she wants isn't in the list, she just flips out.

And I thought we already dealt with the terrible two's! My god, was I naive!