Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

So I spent my whole weekend with Loverboy on the floor, throwing fits at everything.
I asked him to do something (like eat) and he WENT MENTAL!!! (with 3 exclamation points)
Getting dressed, changing diapers, eating a sandwich, going to the supermarket, walking to the car…all ended with HUGE tantrums.
It was the longest weekend ever, and when I came to work this morning, I was HAPPY to hand him over to someone else.

I am reading a book called Toddler Taming and they really urge you to use diversion as a tantrum stopping method, and it does work. HOWEVER…I worry that sometimes diversion is rewards for bad behaviour. For instance, for the whole time we were food shopping on Saturday and the boy was on the floor screaming, I KNEW he wanted some chocolate, it was in the cart and I KNEW that was all he wanted, but I didn’t want him to have it. So, I played Mrs. Bloody Minded and the kid didn’t have chocolate and the kid KEPT going mental. What a waste of energy, for Noah and for myself.

So what the book is saying that if your child is going into tantrum mode, try some distraction, even if it’s a lollipop or watching some TV or something like that. I think it’s a great idea, however I worry too much about rewarding bad behavior.

So, I am left thinking now that I wasted soooo much energy by not giving the boy a piece of chocolate in the supermarket, we could have given him something sweet and gotten on with our shopping. Instead, I fought with him for an hour by NOT giving him the chocolate. I am firm with him and I am the first person to put him on the naughty step and let him know he has done something wrong. BUT, I pick my battles and I work 4 days a week (which is like fulltime really) and I don’t want to spend the precious time I am with the kid fighting over NOTHING. So what would you have done? Is this rewarding bad behavior? What are your thoughts?

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I am responding to my own post cos the first one is soo long.

I guess what I am asking is this, when is something worth fighting about? When is giving in worth it?

Know what I mean?

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I chose my battles.

If she doesn't want to change her diaper - I let her sit in it for a little while.

If she doesn't want to eat lunch - She doesn't get snacks.

If she has a tantrum in the super market - I take her home. The last time she had a tantrum in the grocery store, I left a cart full of food and carried out a screaming kid. It hasn't happened again.

I wish I had better advice - I think you just have figure out what is important to you. IMO diversions for little things like diaper changes is ok - Not ok for huge tantrums in public - Or hitting - But that's just me.

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I think you did the right thing. I think that if you had given in and handed him chocolate, it just makes it that much easier for him to explode the next time he wants something..he know his mom will give it to him!

HOWEVER with that being said...it is so easy from the outside to say "just let him cry". I am already going through a tough time with my kid...not tantrums yet, but the starts of them. He is swatting and hitting us and objects because he is so frustrated. It goes on a lot.

I was told to try to simply walk away from the behavior for one week...the INSTANT he screams over nothing or lashes out, I am to turn around and quickly walk away from him. Yeah well I broke that rule yesterday when he smacked my face as I was holding him. I immediately placed him in his crib, walked out, let him cry for 5 minutes and when I took him out he was better. I am going to continue this for a while.

I'm sorry you had a rough weekend...I don't have much more advice other than you're doing what is right and it will eventually pass....

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I think you handled it well. I wouldn't have given in either. The last thing you need is to let the toddler call the shots & think tantruming works.

I was never one to give in to tantrums. If they had a tantrum when we were shopping, I would tell them I will leave them home the next time I went.

Tell him before entering the store. No tantrums, no screaming or he can't come next time. Also tell him there will be no chocolate until after lunch (or whenever he can have it). He can hold the chocolate but he can't have it. That may help because then he knows he's going to have some & it's a matter of patience. I think in toddler language "No" translates to "Never, ever, ever!" Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

I find prepping beforehand on ALL accounts (we're leaving in 5 minutes, we're going to a party, you can have a snack AFTER lunch) is always helpful & can curtail a lot of the tantrums.

When is something worth the fight? Beside the obvious life-threatening danger (which I'm pretty sure you won't give in on), my #1 thing I won't give up on is public behavior. It's ok to be upset. I would be upset too if I couldn't have chocolate when I wanted, but you can't ruin other people's quiet shopping time, quiet dinner, church time, etc. You can go throw yourself on the floor in your room when we get home.

I became stricter with my kids when I saw other moms buying cr@p for thier kids so they wouldn't cause a scene. I saw a mother buy two $40 puppets for her daughter at another child's birthday party (that was in a puppet theatre) just so she didn't have a meltdown.

Some of my non-negotiable battles are:

- Bringing more than 2 toys out of the house (they inevitably lose one, causing an uncontrollable meltdown).
-Throwing something or hitting

Snacks aren't much of an issue in my house as long as they're after a main meal. I'm more stricter with snacks with Joseph because he isn't a good eater.

I know this sounds lame but I used the word "non-negotiable" with them all of the time. Sometimes you say no, but it's not a final answer. They knew that non-negotiable was a definite no.

It's all easier said than done. Again, whatever works for you.

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I pick my battles, but I also have learned that at least with my daughter, if I feed into it, and give her what she wants, or try to distract her, I'm only feeding the monster, and delaying the inevitable.

Kids need boundaries, even if it's gruesome teaching it to them, and trust me, girl, I had the SAME weekend. In fact, I've had the same month. I just keep the mantra in my head that as hard as it is, these are necessary lessons for them to learn. I do, however, try to balance this with patience. So, for example, if I know Alex will have a tantrum because she wants to do something herself that will take an endless 15 minutes to complete an otherwise 5 second task, I let her do it. I want her to explore her independence, explore her abilities and feel she has the freedom to try to do new things for herself.

If however, she is going to have a tantrum because she wants to have a cookie, and it's 10 minutes until lunch time, and though I know giving her the cookie will ease us happily into lunch, instead of launching her into a 20 minute tantrum, I don't give in. Yes, it's an easier path, but these are those essential moments where we have the opportunity to teach our children about boundaries.

With that said, if we are in public, like at a restaurant, yes, I'll use diversion tactics so we can get through our meal without becoming a disruption. But that's just about the only time I use diversion. At home, I've learned that even if I can successfully divert a tantrum, I know that I'm just delaying the tantrum, and it will come out later, in 5 minutes or so, over something else, particularly if she's just cranky. So, instead, I just tell her no, firmly, and let her flip out. It's ugly, but she's a quick learner and at this point, the tantrum will only last about 5-10 minutes before she realizes it's not really getting her anywhere.

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I think you did the right thing. Steven is not as old as Noah, but I have definatley had weekends that are exactly like what you posted!

But, once you say NO, you can't go back. So, if you make a decision that he can't have the chocolate, you have to stick with it (which it sounds like you are doing). I agree with you and the diversion=rewarding. That doesn't work for Steven (diversion, I mean). Unless, of course, I am replacing the NO item with another NO item that he can't normally have, which really is being counter productive.

I've just been ignoring him. It doesn't always work, which is when I have to break out the big guns. Which is to go about my business and be sure go step OVER, AROUND and THROUGH him . This way he really sees that I am not paying attention. It seems to be working (for now).

But this kid can go on FOREVER So after a while, sometimes I console him, but still don't give him what he wants. Once I say NO, it's NO.

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

ITA that giving him things when he starts to have a tantrum is rearding bad behavior.

My kids very rarely have tantrums. If they scream and cry, I tell them to use their words because otherwise they don't get what they want and that usually works.

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I think you did the right thing. You told him no to the chocolates and you stuck to it. I think it's wrong to go back after you said no. I try not to do that because that means if you're child freaks out enough, he'll eventually get what he wants.

This is Jared's behavior lately too. He rarely flips out in the grocery store. I try to make sure I have a toy for him or we go right after he ate and is content.

Just think, it gets worse at 3!!

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I try to find distractions that are not 'rewards'.

For example - My Noah will sometimes lose his sh*t in the car on the way to school for whatever the reason. Mostly because it's early and he's tired and crabby. I will start singing some little song like "Pig On Her Head" or something silly. He will get quieter bit by bit and then join in - tantrum forgotten. He has started to get worked up in the market before because he HAS TO HAVE A STRAWBERRY RIGHT THIS SECOND! So I will say "Oh! Did you see that!" and being a child and full of curiousity he will say in a grumpy little voice. "What?" and I will say "I thought I saw Frog riding on a hog." Or something. And it turns into a story instead of a continuing tantrum.

It's not always successful. There are days that NOTHING works. Those are the days that I look forward to sticking them in bed EARLY (and it's always early because they EXHAUST themselves from screaming blue bloody murder). Then I have a nice fat glass of wine in my nice quiet house! :)

ETA: I think you did a fantastic job!

Message edited 4/28/2008 11:12:00 AM.

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I am pretty sure the book means to distract with another activity (seperate from the one your child is tantruming from).

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I really try to pick my battles...especially with Bella being SOOOO sensitive lately (I mean she has PERFECTED the crumble to the floor)

Sometimes I am wrong and I make the situation worse, but I try and learn from that and move forward.

I see it like this...communication for them is still new...we pretty much gave them whatever they want for the first 1+ years of their lives...now there needs to be boundaries. We, as parents, need to set them, we aren't ALWAYS right...woohoo, what a revelation.

I think you were right NOT giving him the chocolate, no matter how painful, because it puts the seed of discipline in his head that mr. man isn't gonna get what he wants putting on a scene.

Bella chooses to be horrid at home 80 % of the time, she is quite angelic in other peoples homes and public...which just makes me look even more crazy....

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

As my family just entered into the land of tantrums (we had a HUGE one at the aquarium on Sat), this is a really a good thread.

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I also think you did the right thing. This age is really hard because you never know when the tantrum is going to come on, at least for us.

I have tried diversion and it sometimes works. I usually just let him have his tantrum at home and ignore it, it's when we are out that I want to scream. I usually use some sort of activity as the diversion. I only use snacks when he is in the stroller (I know it is bad but it is the only thing that works).

I also took Barbs advice about letting them know were we are going ahead of time. Friday we went to the Gap and he usually hates shopping. I started about 1/2 hour before we left that we were going to the store to buy pants and shirts for DD. I just kept repeating it and then he started to repeat it and did the same in the store and he was actually good and didn't give me a hard time. Now, I also walked out of the supermarket last week with no grocies because he was throwing things out of the basket. I told him were we going to leave if he didn't stop and he didn't so we left. He kept crying and I finally told him that if he stopped we would go to the park. After I said it I wished I hadn't because I felt like I gave in. He did stop and we had fun but it still felt wrong to me.

Message edited 4/29/2009 2:04:36 AM.

Re: Toddler Taming, Tantrums, Advice, What do you thinK? Its long, really long.

I am going to sheepishly admit that once we got in the car and he calmed down, I did give him some chocolate.

Am I horrible?

Thanks so much everyone for your support!