Tough season

I have never posted here, but I feel like it is time. I had my DS on January 11, 2005. He past away on June 1st, 2005. Not only is his second birthday coming up in a few weeks but tomorrow is a big milestone for us. I had my daughter August 1st 2006. Tomorrow she is as old as he was the day my DS was taken off life support. I have been waiting for this day to pass and now that it is here I have so many worried feelings. It is still hard for me to believe I would have a 2 year old.

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Oh my goodness... I am terribly sorry for your loss. I hope that in the next few days you are granted solace and peace. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you but I hope you find support in this board and your loved ones.

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I am so sorry for your loss.

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I am so sorry!!!

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I am so sorry.... you're in my thoughts and prayers!!

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im so sorry

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Im so sorry.

Your daughter is beautiful and i hope she brings you and your DH a lifetime of happiness

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I am so sorry- there are no words. May you find peace in the next few days.

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I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Thanks you all for your support. It felt good just to write my feelings out. The day was tough but we survived. Thanks again!!!

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I am very sorry.

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Kaitee (My DD) is sitting in her crib while I check my email and she is fussy and about to cry. I say to her "give me one more minute, I am almost done checking my email" She then begains to giggle and talk and squeal . And right then... The music on her mobile in her crib starts to go. The mobile was not moving just the music was playing. This is the second time this has happened. Last time it did this was when Kaitee was having a fit and nothing I would do would make her happy and the music turned on and she finally shut up! And for all the people that are going to say "it needs new batteries" It doesn't use batteries, it twists to start. It is the same mobile I used for Caleb and it NEVER went off like this!!! I KNOW Caleb was here. If you don't believe in this stuff please keep to yourself. I really need my faith in this right now!

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I'm so sorry that u are feeling this. If u need u talk i'm alway here for ya here and myspace.
Again i'm so sorry for your loss.

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I think about your family quite often.

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This time 2 years ago I was in labor with my son. He was born at 7:09 am on January 11th.

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Posted by Moehick

Posted by ABCiverson

This time 2 years ago I was in labor with my son. He was born at 7:09 am on January 11th.

Thinking of you and your DH today

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Thought maybe you could use a few of these.

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Amanda, my heart goes out to you and your family

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My little boy would be 3 tomorrow

This time 3 years ago I was in labor. My DS was born January 11,2005. At 7:09 am. He weighed 8 lbs 6 ozs and was 21 inches long. He past June 1,2005 from SIDS.

Here is the story of his death:
Saturday May 28th, 2005 I had to get up and be at Rebecca's(the woman I babysat for) house at 7:30 am I went there that morning and for some reason all I could think about was my family. Normally when I babysit I would take Caleb with me but when DH was off work he wanted Caleb so that morning I left Caleb home with Daddy. After less than an hour of babysitting, I ened up calling Rebacca and telling her that I was taking Aryic(her 7 year old son) with me on base to play with Abby(our puppy) and Caleb(he loved Caleb). I never would do this, so this was odd that I chose that day to do this for the first time. When we got to the house Bryant and Caleb were just waking up so Caleb needed a diper change and instead of insisting that Bryant change him since it was his job today I decided to do it and grabbed Caleb and did it myself. I just couldn't put Caleb down that day. Bryant took Aryric outside to play with his remote control car and Caleb and I went out and watched. Caleb was really calm and happy that day. Well at about 10:30 we remembered that we had our Chiropractor apponitment at 11 or 12(I can't remember the exact time). So we went on our way there. Bryant always went in to get his back popped while I would hold Caleb then I would hand Caleb over and go get mine done. While we were sitting in the waiting room Caleb pooped and me being the Mother of the Year that I am, lol I realized we forgot his diaper bag. He smelled so bad I couldn't wait for my turn so I could hand him over and let Bryant have to deal with the smell. Even though he had a dirty diaper he was still in such a great mood. Not grumpy and not acting tired yet. Well my turn came and went and we were walking out to our cars. Bryant asked if I was going to go home with him(on base) or go back to Aryic's house (in a different town). Since we were already in Aryic's town I decided to go to Aryics because I was getting low on gas and wasn't in the mood to have to get gas to take Aryick back home in a few hours. I said "I get off at 2:30 so I might as well stay here" It was already around 1 pm. I had this urge to go home but I talked myself out of going home. I kissed Caleb good bye in the parking lot and told him to be a good boy. That was the last time I saw *him*. Bryant called me to tell me he made it home safe and I reminded him to change Caleb's dirty diaper. Then we got off the phone. I sat and stared at the clock. Time was crawling. I felt like I was missing something that was happening so I called Bryant. I called a few times and no one answered. Right then I knew somthing was wrong. I couldn't stop calling. The last time I called I had someone beep in on the other line but I didn't know how to go over to the other line so I missed it. I sat there for a few minutes and then I got the call that every parent dreads. I answered the phone and some woman asked if I was Amanda Iverson. When I said yes she said she was calling From the base hospital and that she was there with my DH. I said "whats wrong with DH is he ok?" She said DH is fine but something happened to Caleb and I needed to get to the hospital right away. I told Aryic we need to go to the hospiatl right now that something is wrong with my son. We got in the car and I called Rebecca to tell her what was going on. I didn't know my way around town so I asked her to meet me at the hospital. I hauled *** to the hospital. I pulled up to the emergency room parking and there were no parking spots. A cop was waiting there for me and he told me he would park my car and told me to get in there ASAP. So Aryric and I jumped out and ran in. 3 big Military guys took Aryic to the waiting room while they took me to go see DH. When I went in there DH was bent over in a chair crying with a few people in the room with him. I asked him what happened and he looked at me and just kept saying over and over "he just stopped breathing!" At this point I thought Caleb was dead. I was screaming at DH. I was so mad at DH. At that moment I felt like he must have done something wrong. I was asking to see Caleb. I was begging the doctors and they finally came in and said they had him stable and that I could go see him. They walked me in the room and he was hooked up to a machine with lots of tubes coming out of him. There was about 20 people that surrounded him and I couldn't get to him untill a nurse grabbed me and took me to his head. I touched his hand and he was freezing. Then about 2 minutes later the doctor called me over and told me that they needed to fly him to Oakland's Children Hospital. They were just waiting on the helicopter. As I was walking outside to call my mom the doctor grabbed my arm and wispered in my ear, he said "He just started crying that means he isn't brain dead, he is going to be ok." Those words and his tone of voice will haunt me for the rest of my life. I went out and called my mom and told her what happened she told me she was flying out that night and asked us to pick her up in Oakland. We weren't allowed on the helicopter so we decided to start going to Oakland without our son. When we got there Caleb was already there and they told us that he stopped breathing again and they will let us see him when he was stable. So we went to pick my mom up from the airport and when we got back to the hospital they let us see him. He was just lying there in a diaper and looked so cold. They decided to put a cooling blanket(which is a machine that blows up a paper blanket with little holes that air comes out of and it keeps the body cold). They said that there had been some research that had shown keeping the body cold would reduce the amount of swelling in the brain. So Caleb sat there for days with goosebumpes all over his body.They continued to run brain tests on him and as his brain was swelling it was dying. My dad and brother and DH's parents and his grandparents all came to say goodbye to Caleb. I had asked them to because I just knew he was already gone. The day my dad and brother got there they called me and told me his eyes were open. I remember going in thinking just maybe he was going to be ok but his eyes were just stuck open. I looked in his eyes and I could tell that he was gone and it was just his body laying there. That was the night that DH and I decided that we didn't want him to be on life support anymore. On June 1st we went to the hospital just like the last few mornings and we just knew it was going to be our last time doing this. That day started out with a Sister coming in and helping us make a copy of his footprint. The nurse told me that they had stopped feeding him and when I asked why she said "because of the decision you are going to have to make today". Right when she said this I realized what we were about to do. I was so scared. How do I have that right to end his life. The doctors called my family into this small room where they started to tell us about his condition. The brain doctor (I can't remember what any of the doctors are called) told us that because he went 12 minutes without oxygen that his brain killed itself from swelling. They told us there was a .5% that he would ever wake up again. Then they told us that if he did he would not be the same baby. I rememeber asking all these questions about him (I can't even remember what 1 of the questions was). And before they could even finish I told them that we decided we just wanted to let him go. All the doctors agreed that it was the "humane" thing to do. So they told DH and I to go spend some alone time with him. When we went in a few minutes later some nurse came in and started to remove the unimprotant tubes like feeding tube then she almost pulled out his breathing tube and DH made her stop. The idoit almost killed him before we even said goodbye! She ended up helping bryant sit in the chair and she handed Caleb to him. That was the haredest thing I have ever seen. We both were trying so hard to not let him see or hear us cry. I wanted his last few minutes to be happy. I took a few pictures of DH saying goodbye then it was my turn.






I was able to keep a happy face on as I wispered to my baby. I won't share everything DH and I said to him because those are our moments to remember. Then my mom, MIL, FIL, and DH's Grandparents came in the room and it was time. They came in and started to remove the rest of the tubes while he was still in my arms. They pulled out his catheter and when they did he jumped. Then I stated having second thoughts like what if they were wrong and he isn't brain dead. Then it was time to take the breathing tube out. He took a few hard breaths and then there was nothing, I thought he was already gone. Then he mad the most horrific noise that I had ever heard. I almost dropped him and I was begging DH to take him from me. It was him gasping for air. They were giving him drugs(I think morphine?) so they knew he wasn't in pain. About every 10 minutes he would make that noise and I remember begging him to die. I just wanted him to go peacefully. As he passed I said the "As I lay you down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep and if I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take." prayer that I would say to him everynight, except this time the Lord was going to REALLY be keeping his soul. After about an hour and 15 minutes the doctor came in and told us his heart was still beating 1 to 2 beats a minute. Then about 15 minutes later he was finally gone. I had never seen a real dead body before. And I never thought the first one would be the baby I had just givin birth to not even 5 months earlier. I put him against my chest and just held him. Then DH held him one last time, then DH's family held him. My mom left the room right before they pronouced him dead. I think it was all to much for her to take. Then I held him one last time. I wanted to be the last to hold him. DH's mom took the little bit of hair he had and cut it for us to keep. Then the doctor came in and told us that California state law says that because while he was alive they couldn't figure out what killed him that he needed an autopsy done. I was so ******. I didn't want his precious body cut. Then I asked the doctor what the death certifcate would say and he said that since they had ran all those tests on him and they found nothing wrong that the chances of an autopsy showing anything different was low. He said if with the autopsy they couldn't see what was wrong that they would either put SIDS or SUDS but it is the coroner decision on what to put. He said SIDS and SUDS both mean the same thing, that they have no idea what killed him. Caleb's came back saying. "Sudden unexplained death in a 4 month old infant"(SUDS). The next week and a half were a blur. A few days after the we had to go to the coroner's to sign over his body so he could be sent to the mortuary. Then we started our long drive to Escondido. We stayed there a day and we headed off to Utah. DH's family is from Utah and thats where his dad was buried and we wanted Caleb to be with family. We made the funeral arragenments. They only had one baby casket that he could fit in. It was plastic but it looked like porcelain. I thought it looked like a toilet and I was so mad my son was being buried in a f-ing toilet! I didn't want to have a viewing but DH's family is big on viewings so they kept pushing us to do one. So I had given in. A few days later we went to sign the papers at the mortuary and our funeral diretcor asked if we wanted to see Caleb. I was so not expecting that question but I missed him so much that I jumped at the chance to see him. He took us into the room where Caleb's little casket was. As I walked up I about died. It was so gross. I never thought I would say that looking at my son that DH and I had created would be "gross". His cheeks looked like they were melting off his face and his little hands were so swollen. and his hair looked wet and was parted down the middle. I ran back out of the room less then a minute after walking in and I was bawling. And thank God that after DH saw what he looked like he agreed with me that we would not do a viewing. I refused to let anyone see him that way. Over half the people at his funeral had never met him and I didn't want that to be the way he was remembered. We got him a big pretty headstone. In the little cemetary that he is buried in he has the biggest single person headstone. I wanted it to be easy to find him when I go to visit. He was buried on June 11th, 2005 (his 5th month birthday) in La Verkin Cemetery in Utah. Right below his Grandpa Iverson and other Iverson family memebers. His Grandpa Iverson (DH's dad) also past on June 1st a few years earlier so I imagine it all happened the way it was suppose to happen. I could add a hundred more things to this but this is a good summary of Caleb's last few days.





His forever outfit:





































Wearing 9 month outfit:























He was show and tell at his aunts school:









If you read all this, thanks

Re: Tough season

My goodness..I have no words.

You and your dh have got to be 2 of the strongest people I have ever "encountered." My heart is breaking reading your story, how does one get through something like this???? You are simply amazing and your little boy was lucky to have you guys for his parents.

I am at a loss for any more words..there is so much I would love to say to you but for some reason, I cannot find the proper words. Your son is your angel. He will always be right with you to guide you and your family. Looking at his BEAUTIFUL pictures just made my heart melt. He was absolutely amazing.

God Bless you now and always and may you always know that your angel is right with you always. May his sisters know that their big brother was so special. You will ALWAYS be in my thoughts and prayers.