What about your parents?

My venting thread about my brother brought up some good points, and what some see as a trend.

I heard a really good story on NPR a few months ago about elderly parents, and how the daughter usually ends up being the primary caretaker. That's most definitely what has happened in my case.

What about your family? Who will take care of your parent(s) when they get too old to take care of themselves? Do you think your siblings will share 100% in the responsibility? Do you even have a plan?

Re: What about your parents?

only child, so it's me, myself and I

Re: What about your parents?

I will give everything I can to taking care of my mom. She has given me so much and I will do everything I can to take care of her. But I think my sister will take the lead. She has a medical background and is a SAHM. I work a lot and have my daughter. I will definitely give everything I can to my mom.

Message edited 8/23/2007 3:28:07 PM.

Re: What about your parents?

As I posted in that other thread. . . I am pretty much positive I will not only care for my parents but also for my inlaws.

My brother wants to move away and he also only visits a few times a month - I don't think his wife likes us very much either!

My sister has enough on her plate with two developmentally disabled children (diagnosed with Autism and Asperger's syndrome) although she always finds time to help us out - it is a lot for her!

As for my inlaws, they have already told me (read: begged) that I will be the one taking care of them since I am the "responsible one"

My inlaws are only in their 50s so it is still a joke with them but my dad is almost 70 so it is more of a reality with them!

Re: What about your parents?

My Dad passed away almost 9 years ago. My Mom will be taken care of by me sisters and myself...

Re: What about your parents?

Re: What about your parents?

My mom only has me, and I will gladly take on that responsibility but not for a very long time

As for my dad, well he's remarried with kids, but they are REALLY young. We'll cross that road when we get to it. This is one road I'm not in the mood to cross, iykwim I love my dad, don't get me wrong

Re: What about your parents?

I consider myself truly lucky, my sister and I live just a few minutes from each other and from our parents and we all have a great relationship. When the time comes, I believe that we will both "share the load."

Re: What about your parents?

Posted by Bxgell2

Posted by Shelly
So if any sibling is going to be the "disappointment", I think it would be me.

I don't believe that for a nano-second

Re: What about your parents?

Make sure you have a plan.

Make sure mom and dad have a will, a living will and a health care proxy.

Make sure one of your siblings, the one who will do what mom and dad wants (not their own interests) is their P.O.A.

Make sure mom and dad's house, if over a certain age, is in a trust and any other substiantial assets.

Make sure at least one siblings knows where their safety deposit box is, and holds a key, if applicable.

Make sure, at least one sibling, has all of the names and addresses of all of their doctors, lawyer, financial advisor, etc.

In my case, my dad was 57. Yes, 57... no one thinks it's going to happen that soon He was in a coma for 48 hours and did not make a sound, never mind speak for 7 days. It took him months of therapy to say my name

I had to play detective for a lot of the above and immediately hire a elder care lawyer to get the rest in place. Thank God I had older friends and family who steered me in the right direction.

No one wants to have the conversation with your parents but I urge you to do so.

Re: What about your parents?

Posted by Tah-wee-ZAH

Make sure you have a plan.

Make sure mom and dad have a will, a living will and a health care proxy.

Make sure one of your siblings, the one who will do what mom and dad wants (not their own interests) is their P.O.A.

Make sure mom and dad's house, if over a certain age, is in a trust and any other substiantial assets.

Make sure at least one siblings knows where their safety deposit box is, and holds a key, if applicable.

Make sure, at least one sibling, has all of the names and addresses of all of their doctors, lawyer, financial advisor, etc.

In my case, my dad was 57. Yes, 57... no one thinks it's going to happen that soon He was in a coma for 48 hours and did not make a sound, never mind speak for 7 days. It took him months of therapy to say my name

I had to play detective for a lot of the above and immediately hire a elder care lawyer to get the rest in place. Thank God I had older friends and family who steered me in the right direction.

No one wants to have the conversation with your parents but I urge you to do so.

Re: What about your parents?

I would do ANYTHING for my parents! They are amazing.


My parents are actually in a similar situation currently with my mom's sister (my Aunt)

My aunt is an adult autistic. She's very high functioning. She does babysitting (for ages 5 and up) around the neighborhood for $$. She has some OCD with her autism so she'll never leave the oven on, or the door unlocked. VERY responsible. But she has no sense to pay bills, write checks or that sort of thing. She's great with numbers (think Rainman) but when it comes to simple things- she's totally baffled.

My Aunt came to live with my parents over 25 years ago. She moved in with them after moving out of a YWCA.

Their brother lives in Georga, and he said if my parents ever were going to move, that he'd take my Aunt.

Well the time has come. My parents bought a condo and they plan on moving out of their much larger house into their tiny 2 bedroom condo. When my mother called her brother in GA, his response was ......."Well, is there any way you can get a bigger place? I don't know if we can handle having her here"....

Families do stupid things. Some people have no sense.... It just stinks that people who end up getting stuck are the ones trying to do what's best...

Re: What about your parents?

I can tell you this... my father has 1 younger brother, 1 younger sister (passed away), and 1 older sister. Out of all of the kids, he was abused and picked on by his parents the most... guess who is the only one who will take care of them (well, just his mother now)? Yup... my dad.

As far as my parents and when they need to be cared for... I think the responsibility will be shared among the 3 of us (I have 2 younger sisters). I hope it's that way at least.

Re: What about your parents?

I think in my familiy, we will all contribute what we can when it comes time to take care of our mom. Some of us have strengths in different areas and will channel those as the sitution deems necessary. I think financially, my DH and I will share most of that responsibility b/c we are more able to do so. My siblings will do what they can.

Message edited 8/23/2007 3:45:54 PM.

Re: What about your parents?

There are 5 of us to chip in and take care of mom. And I really do believe we all will step up and take of her in different ways. If that makes sense.

Although this is something that has NEVER been discussed. Mom will be 60 in december and I know for a fact she does not have a will or any kind of plan.

After reading all these threads, it's something I need to discuss with her right away.

Re: What about your parents?

Well you know the answer. It's me and DH. My brother never helped before because he just couldn't and nothing has changed. I just added Fred to my charge.

My parents and I have discussed everything and all legalities are in place. I have a wonderful husband and my inlaws are being taken care of by BIL. He is very well off and is also taking care of his inlaws financially to a point.

I'm thankful that he is able to help my inlaws because we can't. If I didn't have the burden of my parents and now Fred I would take care of them in a second. Wouldn't think twice.

I wish my parents saved more money and contributed to retirement more. I also wish my dad didn't lose his job at 62 and have all of his pension funds stolen from the owners of the company. He did get restitution....$.10 on the dollar.

As the result of their bad fortune, we have decided to be better prepared.

Re: What about your parents?

I love my parents more than words can say. I will give them every ounce of love, guidance, compassion, and help that they have provided me throughout my life.
My sister will probably exceed me by leaps and bounds. She's just wonderful like that.
My brother, I couldn't say right now- he's irresponsible at present moment, but I am still holding onto the hope that he will grow up soon. He's a wonderful person on the inside, I have seen that.


Interesting story to your point, though. a few years after my grandma (mom's mom) died, my grandfather became ill. He had a stroke, and required a full time aide. With one home in Cape Cod, and one home in Florida; one daughter in LI, and 3 sons in NJ... my mother and father took him in. My sister and I shared a room, and her bedroom was converted to his.
My father changed his diapers. My parents lives revolved around him, while running a day care center out of the same home.
Monetary wise, everything was provided through my grandfathers savings, which was excecuted by his son Ken.
When the time came for my parents to entertain the fact that things would NOT change. That her 3 brothers would NOT be stepping up to the plate, they contracted out to add an extension onto the house. A bedroom and handicap bath. It would be paid for by my grandfather's estate. We tore down the pool, got everything in order. The day the ground was to be broke, my Uncle Ken called, and said he would not be releasing the funds to pay for it. That he and his wife had discussed it, and we (my family) would BENEFIT TOO MUCH from the extension. My grandfather cried, pleading with him on the phone to "Please let me stay with Jayne". I cried right next to him, while my Uncle sentenced him to Florida, to live alone, away from his family, until he died there.



I miss him so much, and the strongest memory I have of him is of watching him plead for his own money to be used to keep him with the ones he loves.
I will never forgive my Uncle. Ever.

Re: What about your parents?

Preguntas

Re: What about your parents?

I did!

My siblings were always busy! I took them to the doctors and always made sure they had everything they needed!

Re: What about your parents?

Posted by chikita315

Preguntas

Re: What about your parents?

I honestly have no idea. Both my parents and my inlaws are divorced, all but MIL are remarried, and have another child (from either their current spouses previous marriage, or from their current marriage).

My mom has already told me that she wants to go into a nursing home. Heck, she's ready to move in now. :P

I won't live with any parents until it's absolutely necessary though. My step-mother's father lived with them for 15 years and the tension in that house because of him could be cut with a knife. My siblings couldn't stand him, my dad couldn't stand him, and my step-mother was a wreck because his constant meddling was tearing her family apart. He now lives in a senior community about 20 minutes from them and everything at home is much, much better.

Re: What about your parents?

Since my parents moved away & are not closest to my brother, I believe my brother will be doing the majority if the time comes. Of course, my parents know they can count on me to help out as I did assist my mom in taking care of both her parents when I was only 18....

In terms of my inlaws, I believe it will be my husband & I. My BIL has made it quite clear that he does not want that responsibilty & we all feel my inlaws know I would do the right thing

Re: What about your parents?

My parents have NOTHING prepared. No will, no life insurance, I have no idea where any of their money (or debt) is. If we ask them any questions they laugh and say "don't worry we will let you know when we plan on dying so you can have the house." It is so frustrating!!

Re: What about your parents?

Posted by Preguntas

I love my parents more than words can say. I will give them every ounce of love, guidance, compassion, and help that they have provided me throughout my life.
My sister will probably exceed me by leaps and bounds. She's just wonderful like that.
My brother, I couldn't say right now- he's irresponsible at present moment, but I am still holding onto the hope that he will grow up soon. He's a wonderful person on the inside, I have seen that.


Interesting story to your point, though. a few years after my grandma (mom's mom) died, my grandfather became ill. He had a stroke, and required a full time aide. With one home in Cape Cod, and one home in Florida; one daughter in LI, and 3 sons in NJ... my mother and father took him in. My sister and I shared a room, and her bedroom was converted to his.
My father changed his diapers. My parents lives revolved around him, while running a day care center out of the same home.
Monetary wise, everything was provided through my grandfathers savings, which was excecuted by his son Ken.
When the time came for my parents to entertain the fact that things would NOT change. That her 3 brothers would NOT be stepping up to the plate, they contracted out to add an extension onto the house. A bedroom and handicap bath. It would be paid for by my grandfather's estate. We tore down the pool, got everything in order. The day the ground was to be broke, my Uncle Ken called, and said he would not be releasing the funds to pay for it. That he and his wife had discussed it, and we (my family) would BENEFIT TOO MUCH from the extension. My grandfather cried, pleading with him on the phone to "Please let me stay with Jayne". I cried right next to him, while my Uncle sentenced him to Florida, to live alone, away from his family, until he died there.



I miss him so much, and the strongest memory I have of him is of watching him plead for his own money to be used to keep him with the ones he loves.
I will never forgive my Uncle. Ever.

Re: What about your parents?

Posted by Tilde

Posted by chikita315

Preguntas

that is unforgivable.