What do you do when DH is wrong and BM is right?

SD's BM recently got out of jail earlier this year. She's been in and out for the past 9 years. SD is 14 and really never lived with her mother. She has lived in my house since she's 9. For all intents and purposes, she is my daughter, but of course, she still has her BM.

Needless to say, DH doesn't trust her as far as he can throw her, and I don't blame him for that. The problem is, she got out (for the 2nd time) did her time, and is trying to do the right thing. SD who is 14 wants to see her occasionally. She doesn't want her around her friends, school, things like that because everyone she knows at school, knows me. But SD will want to go see her for a day here and a day there. BM is up to date on child support, and is so nice to me when she calls or sees me, it can be sickening. However, better this than the alternative.

The problem is when SD goes out for the day with BM and either grandfather or aunt (both have been a big part of our family even though BM was in jail, they even came to our wedding). SD is never alone with BM because she's not comfortable doing so, and neither is DH. So when SD goes out for the day, she always comes back on time, always has a good time, and BM doesn't seem to want to mess things up with SD because she's missed so much time. DH always gets so agitated that she goes and has fun. Sometimes it does seem like BM is buying her affection, but SD will figure that out soon enough if she hasn't done so already.

I'm not saying it's an ideal situation, but SD looks to me for help. Whenever I have brought it up to DH he always tells me how much she has put him through and that he will never trust her, so I don't understand. I don't know what to do. I don't trust BM and SD is still a minor, but I feel like DH is holding her past against her.

Re: What do you do when DH is wrong and BM is right?

I can't speak to you situation specifically. But I haven't pushed my thoughts on DH if I thought he may have been wrong on something regarding BM. I have gently expressed a thought or two, but really his journey with BM is just that- his. Right or wrong, he knows her better than me and ultimately has to live with all decisions he makes regarding her and DSS.

Re: What do you do when DH is wrong and BM is right?

Yeah you can't really make him change his mind. I usually voice my opinion and leave it at that. If SD talks to you, say to her you tried and maybe she should talk to DH.

Sometimes you can't win.

Re: What do you do when DH is wrong and BM is right?

Totally on a lower level, but someone told me that its not about me, its about my son. (I didn't want ex-MIL to take DS for a day trip)...
As long as SD is safe (another adult is with her when she is with BM), BM has a right to spoil her....

My ex took DS for his 1st full week vaca... before DS left, I took him to Toys R Us and spoiled him - I totally felt like an every-other-weekend parent syndrome.

Maybe your DH needs to sit down w/ SD and explain that BM has her issues, did her time, but is who she is.
There will be questions in SDs life that you or DH can't answer but BM can.

Re: What do you do when DH is wrong and BM is right?

Thanks. I have always just expressed my opinion and left it at that. I'm glad to see other people think it's the right thing to do too. DH does talk to SD, so I guess at some point, it will be SD that will have to talk to BM about everything. She's too young yet, but maybe someday that conversation will happen.

Re: What do you do when DH is wrong and BM is right?

I can understand his reservations and hesitations when it comes to BM, but as long as your SD is in a safe and controlled environment (i.e. another responsible adult present), I don't think there's much he can do about it. She paid her time to society; the crime she committed was not (assumably) against her child. If she's trying to play within the rules and redefine herself, he should not stand in the way. Depending on what type of person BM really is, SD will see through it on her own.

Re: What do you do when DH is wrong and BM is right?