Working moms - guilt?

Instead of adding my vacation time to the end of my maternity leave, I decided to spread time out over the summer and work 3 days a wk. In September I will be back to full-time. I live in Nassau, work in midtown. My office hours are 9-6PM. I have the luxury of getting in a little later (usually 9:30/9:45) but I'm waking Ryan to get him ready in the morning so leaving a little later isn't really giving me time with him. I will have to drop him around 8AM and I don't get home til 7:30PM if I rush. This s u c ks. Even if I can leave 20-minutes early - which doesn't often happen - I'm still not home til 7. So, I'm seeing my son for an hour - hour and a half tops. I can't stop getting upset over going back FT. I feel like such a bad mom. And, of course, I'm the breadwinner in the family so I don't have many options - we need my FT salary. Ryan won't be in daycare this whole time - my DH's schedule rotates so he's off 1,2, sometimes 3 days during the work week and will be with Ryan. Plus, he'll be picking him up by 4:30 everyday. So, I take a little comfort in knowing one of us is there - but it stinks it's not me. I feel like a bad mom. I know there's not much that can be done but can any BTDT moms in similar situations share how they deal?

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Sometimes I feel bad, but I don't feel guilty. It also helps that DD LOVES daycare.

We leave the house at 6:45am. I drop her off by 7am and then I pick her up at 6:30pm when I commute to NYC. When I work from home she is usually there 8-6. She goes to bed at 8pm. and then I do more work. I hardly see her as well.

I am thinking about quitting, but one of the reasons I havent done it sooner is bc staying at home scares me too! People knock daycare all the time, but she's doing great there. She plays all day and they take very good care of her. If I do quit, I will miss daycare and would consider putting her in part time when she gets older. My dycare doesnt start part time until 18 months.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Honestly, I'm excited for the daycare he'll be in. I think he'll do great - I don't feel bad that he has to go to daycare - sometimes. I feel bad that I'll see him 5-7 hrs Mon- Fri
I don't know that I could be a SAHM mom - I've been at my job for almost 9 yrs now and I can't see any change in the near future (unless that decision is made for me and Tine you know what I mean )

Re: Working moms - guilt?

I feel the same way too. My DS is not in daycare (My Mom watches him), but I still feel bad that I don't get to spend more time with him during the week.

I take comfort in the fact that he knows his Mommy no matter what- and when we are together- I cherish those moments so much more than when I was home on maternity leave. Frankly, I think I appreciate him so much more than if I was home with him full-time.

Your baby knows how much you love her

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Yes, I do!

I am pretty sure I am giving my notice in 2 weeks and I am going to tell them I can work through the end of september. I am scared $hitless!! I figure, if I don't like staying home, I can get a new job. I want to try it though.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

It is SO HARD. I drop DS off at 8am and pick up at 6pm. I miss him every single day. Especially right now he is tackling so many "firsts"....crawling, standing walking. I WANT to be there, but just can't I have no choice either, I must work. What doubly suxx, is I am in school too. I only take one class at a time because of him, but it's still horrible, and I still feel like a terrible mother. My goal though..is to be working less, and I need this education to do that.

ANyway, my consolation is, that he really is SUPER happy at day care. Seriouly, yesterday I went to get him, he was so content playing he didn't want to leave. I also do love the reaction when I come in the day care door...SHEER JOY! I am not cut out to be A SAHM, but part time would def. be preferable, and that is what I am working towards right now.

It's hard no matter what way you slice it

Re: Working moms - guilt?

I do not feel guilty or bad, I am doing what I need to do to provide for my family...nothing to feel bad about...

I DO miss her terribly, but I know she needs a roof over her head and food in her belly....mommy working is a necessity

Re: Working moms - guilt?

I'm actually starting work again after maternity leave in 2 weeks and it just breaks my heart to think about leaving DS. I usually leave for work at 7:30 and hopefully will be able to get home by 6:30-7PM. He usually has his last bottle at 8 and is down by 8:30, so I'll only get to see him for an hour or 2 each day as well.

As the day gets closer and closer, i get sick to my stomach thinking about how much I'll miss him and how I won't be the one he sees everyday. how I'll miss all the cute things he does, and cuddling with him during the day, playing with him, taking him for walks. I have tears in my eyes now just thinking about it.

and, like you, I'm the main breadwinner so there really isn't an option of me being a SAHM.

I do feel guilty because the truth is, Dh and I could change our lives drastically and I could be a SAHM but then we would always be struggling financially, instead of now, where we live pretty comfortably and aren't constantly worrying about money. we would have to move and money would be tight but we could, in theory, do it. But the pressure on DH would be too much and if god forbid, anything did happen to his job, we would be in trouble. sometimes, I think I'm selfish because we are not willing to make that sacrifice for me to SAH.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

I absolutely HATE IT but there is nothing I can do to change the situation. I try to make the best of the times I do have with him

Re: Working moms - guilt?

No, I don't feel guilty. I never feel guilty about providing the best life I can for her.

But I HATE being away from her. I HATE that I only see her for 2 hours a day, at most. It makes me feel very sad sometimes that I can't be a SAHM - and I never EVER wanted to be one before. It's hard, but you'll get through it.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

You are definately NOT a bad mom. You are doing what you have to do for your family. That makes you a GREAT mom.

At first I would feel a little guilty. But mostly because I like my job and I was feeling guilty that I didn't feel that 'need' to stay home all the other moms feel. It does SUK sometimes...like this week. He cried every morning so far and when I said I was leaving, he tells me "NO" and he gathers his things and wants to come with me That's when it's tough. But, I know that he gets over it 5 minutes after I leave, so that's comforting. And, I know he has more fun with his grandma than he does with me. so, that helps too -- she lets him do whatever he wants and I don't.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Let me start by saying it DEFINITELY gets better and easier once they are in daycare. I was and about Gavin going as well.

I drop him off at 9:15 and DH picks him up at 4:15...and let me tell you how much he enjoys daycare. His teachers love him, they wish they had a room full of Gavins, and I feel he is exposed to so much more then I could ever give him at home.
I stayed home with him for 5 months and while I wish I could have given him completely undivided attention, there was always laundry to do, bathrooms to clean and dinners to cook. In daycare it's just play play play!

And remember, I had to tell some old bag at a BBQ I went to the same thing when she said I "owe it to my child" to stay home with him at least till he's 5 and my husband should work his a$$ off to provide all the luxuries in life ......

You are a far better mother when you are happy with yourself, and if that means getting up every morning and going to work to make sure your child has the best you can offer, or if it just means that you need some adult time, then that is what you HAVE to do. And if for now it means that your child has to go to daycare, TRUST me, it's great for the both of you. They won't hold it against you, and that smile on their face and they way they freak out when you come home......that's priceless.....

Re: Working moms - guilt?

I've battled with feeling of guilt for a while now here and there but there came a time not too long ago that I overcame most of those feelings.

I have to wake Lucas up at 6am every morning and I know he wants to sleep later because on the weekends he gets up at 7:30. But we have to get out of the house so that DH and I can make it to work on time. When it's busy season I do both drop off and pick up - when it's not DH drops off and I pick up. For a while we would sit with him at the center in the morning to get him situated but lately he cries for us so the teacher distracts him while whoever is there leaves. It breaks our hearts.

At night he's one of the last kids to be picked up and he can't get to us fast enough. We usually talk in the car and sing. Sometime he falls asleep and goes straight to bed...other times we play outside or inside, take a bath and go down for bed.

As he's gotten older we can interact more and I feel that the quality of our time is most imporant...not so much the quantity. And I feel there is more that we both take away from it now compared to when he was an infant.

We rely on my benefits and my salary does help out quite a bit so this is how it has to be. My son is happy - he wakes happy and enjoys his day - he's also happy to come home with us at night. He seems to do very well (developmentally and socially) in the daycare environment so much of my guilt has started to fall away. When he's sick I stay home with him, on the weekends it's all about him and family time, and overall I know that I am a better parent with this set-up. My personality is very much to get things done but my guilt of not being with him 24/7 drives me to use my time with him differently than I know I would otherwise. But that also means that we follow routines - I feel like my whole life is one big routine. But it works so we do it.

And after the experience I've had with his current daycare...I can 100% say that no one but me and my husband raise this little boy. They watch him - they do interact and have a level of education - but overall every ounce of who this little boy is comes from us. Seeing that in this new light shed so much of my guilt.

And the best part is - because it answered one of my fears - no matter how much time he spends with other people - he loves us most He'd ditch them in a second for us - and has.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

I am right there with you. I am the bread winner too. I am lucky though as a teacher that I have a lot of holidays and the summer off. But my chair is quite demanding and since my dh works nights I am up late doing a lot of work since I can't stay too late at work and quite frankly Sept- June I am constantly exhausted. It is not uncommon for me to be up until 12 doing work only to get up at 5. I am having tremendous guilt with my son this time since he will be in a center and my daughter was in a group family. I think it's par for the course (the guilt) and I hate it and I have just accepted the fact that I will always just have it.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Posted by Tine73

Yes, I do!

I am pretty sure I am giving my notice in 2 weeks and I am going to tell them I can work through the end of september. I am scared $hitless!! I figure, if I don't like staying home, I can get a new job. I want to try it though.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

I drop DS off at daycare at 8 and pick him anytime b/w 4:30 and 6. Sometimes I do feel bad that he is at daycare for a big part of the day, but he is doing well and interacting with other kids and other people. I really like my job and getting out of the house and going to work. If my job offered part time I would probably do that, but it is not an option. I went to school for a long time and I would feel guilty if I stayed home! For me being a SAHM or working mother - it all the same, i would feel guilty! Also, my best friend stays at home and I think she has really changed, not necessarily for the better.

Message edited 7/30/2008 11:02:28 AM.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Posted by stephanief

I do not feel guilty or bad, I am doing what I need to do to provide for my family...nothing to feel bad about...

I DO miss her terribly, but I know she needs a roof over her head and food in her belly....mommy working is a necessity

Message edited 7/30/2008 11:04:36 AM.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

I still feel guilty 2 yrs later. It was better for awhile then he started talking.

Today he said " Mom are you coming with us to the pool" (he is going with my SIL)

I was so upset. I had to tell him I had to go to work. Then he asked if Daddy could come

Re: Working moms - guilt?

i don't know if guilty is the word - i work because its necessary for us to provide a better life for DC but i do feel bad about missing her firsts and I worry constantly.

When i'm at work, she is usually either with DH or my parents and sometimes my inlaws but i worry because it is inconsistent and when she needs to go to grandparents i HATE waking her up earlier - i worry that its disruptive to her and about her not haivng a consistent routine.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Posted by Bklyngrl

i don't know if guilty is the word - i work because its necessary for us to provide a better life for DC but i do feel bad about missing her firsts and I worry constantly.

When i'm at work, she is usually either with DH or my parents and sometimes my inlaws but i worry because it is inconsistent and when she needs to go to grandparents i HATE waking her up earlier - i worry that its disruptive to her and about her not haivng a consistent routine.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

I dont feel guilty but I do miss him so much during the day. DH drops him off b/t 9 and 10am and I pick him up at 7:00-7:30pm. Its not something you should feel guilty about b/c you are working to provide them with the best things!

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Posted by Ang-Rich

I've battled with feeling of guilt for a while now here and there but there came a time not too long ago that I overcame most of those feelings.

I have to wake Lucas up at 6am every morning and I know he wants to sleep later because on the weekends he gets up at 7:30. But we have to get out of the house so that DH and I can make it to work on time. When it's busy season I do both drop off and pick up - when it's not DH drops off and I pick up. For a while we would sit with him at the center in the morning to get him situated but lately he cries for us so the teacher distracts him while whoever is there leaves. It breaks our hearts.

At night he's one of the last kids to be picked up and he can't get to us fast enough. We usually talk in the car and sing. Sometime he falls asleep and goes straight to bed...other times we play outside or inside, take a bath and go down for bed.

As he's gotten older we can interact more and I feel that the quality of our time is most imporant...not so much the quantity. And I feel there is more that we both take away from it now compared to when he was an infant.

We rely on my benefits and my salary does help out quite a bit so this is how it has to be. My son is happy - he wakes happy and enjoys his day - he's also happy to come home with us at night. He seems to do very well (developmentally and socially) in the daycare environment so much of my guilt has started to fall away. When he's sick I stay home with him, on the weekends it's all about him and family time, and overall I know that I am a better parent with this set-up. My personality is very much to get things done but my guilt of not being with him 24/7 drives me to use my time with him differently than I know I would otherwise. But that also means that we follow routines - I feel like my whole life is one big routine. But it works so we do it.

And after the experience I've had with his current daycare...I can 100% say that no one but me and my husband raise this little boy. They watch him - they do interact and have a level of education - but overall every ounce of who this little boy is comes from us. Seeing that in this new light shed so much of my guilt.

And the best part is - because it answered one of my fears - no matter how much time he spends with other people - he loves us most He'd ditch them in a second for us - and has.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Posted by SweetCaroline

Posted by Bklyngrl

i don't know if guilty is the word - i work because its necessary for us to provide a better life for DC but i do feel bad about missing her firsts and I worry constantly.

When i'm at work, she is usually either with DH or my parents and sometimes my inlaws but i worry because it is inconsistent and when she needs to go to grandparents i HATE waking her up earlier - i worry that its disruptive to her and about her not haivng a consistent routine.

Have you read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby? I feel like the entire book is shaming me for waking him to get him ready and keeping him up later to see me at night.

Re: Working moms - guilt?

Posted by stephanief

I do not feel guilty or bad, I am doing what I need to do to provide for my family...nothing to feel bad about...

I DO miss her terribly, but I know she needs a roof over her head and food in her belly....mommy working is a necessity

Message edited 7/30/2008 5:47:32 PM.