Help me learn how to handle my son

I'm sure I'm handling my son wrong, but not sure what the best way is. He is 4 years old.
These are the 3 latest incidents:

1. DD (6) and nephew were going to the yard to play so I told the kids to put their socks and shoes on. They put their socks and shoes on, DS just played around with the socks instead of putting them on. I told him to put his socks and shoes on so he can go play but he kept fooling around instead (he does know how to put his socks and shoes on). DD and nephew went outside. He started yelling that "DD went out first" and he started crying and yelling and stomping the floor. I told him "They put on their socks and shoes so they can go, once you put yours on then you can play too" - but he kept yelling/crying/stomping the floor.

2. Lunchtime - My wife made the kids fried rice. He ate one bite then said he didn't want it. She asked him what he wanted, he said egg and cheese sandwich, we were out of eggs so she made him a cheese sandwich. Instead of eating he said he wanted to paint. She said "you can paint after you eat" - then he started yelling/crying/stomping the floor

3. Workbook - I wanted him to do 2 pages of a workbook before bedtime. First page - trace the number 1 a few times, then write the number 1 a few times. he did that. Second page is the same but the number 2. He traced it, then when he was supposed to write it he wrote a "1". I told him thats not the right number and told him to trace the 2 again, then try writing - these were his next attemps: "1", "1", "1", drew a square, drew a jesus fish, drew a square - after each attempt I had him trace the 2 so he knew how to write it. I told him that DD was done and she would be going to sleep but he and I would have to go to the kitchen until he finishes, then he started crying and yelling. (this is where I think his tantrum is half faking, but he does have the drool and tears flowing so maybe not totally faking) - at one point all of a sudden he stopped crying and pointed to a doodle by DD and said "that looks like a robot" - I said "write the number 2" - he starts crying and yelling again.


I've told him during his tantrums (and during normal non tantrum times) "You have to use your words. If you just cry and yell we won't know what you want. You have to use your words and ask, crying gets you nothing."

I'm assuming this is normal behavior for a 4 year old. But not sure what to do about it. My gut instinct is - ignore his tantrum so he will learn that it doesn't get him what he wants. But don't know if thats the right approach

Thank you

Message edited 7/8/2020 1:31:34 PM.

Help me learn how to handle my son

Sounds normal. I found 4 to be a difficult age. One day my son just grew out of it at 4.5. He is now 6, which is proving to be challenging as well. I blame this on the fact that we’ve spent pretty much every minute of every day together since March.

Help me learn how to handle my son

Def normal behavior at that age. Just keep reinforcing the rules and don't condone his behavior.

Help me learn how to handle my son

Yes, it seems normal to me too. But, I wouldn't have the patience to force him to write the # 2. He's only 4 YO; he'll learn to write his numbers eventually and it's not worth arguing about it, IMO.

Re: Help me learn how to handle my son

It's a combination of age and the fact that his little life has been turned upside down for what feels like forever.

Stick to what your say, and ignore tantrums. He's just trying to push him limits and see how much control he can get. If you stay consistent this phase will pass quickly.

Help me learn how to handle my son

Sounds normal. Just don't give in.

I just wouldn't recommend doing a workbook right before bed - their patience is thinner as they are tired.

Help me learn how to handle my son

It’s normal...and I would fully agree with above that doing a workbook at age 4 before bed is just asking for a tantrum.
At this age you want them to think it’s fun, you’re making it seem like a punishment.

Re: Help me learn how to handle my son

All normal in my opinion.

We use 1-2-3 magic and I find it effective. There’s a book but you can prob google the basics.

Key is you cannot have a tantrum and lose your temper. I give 1-2–3 warnings while clearly stating the consequence. It almost never gets to 3. It helps them know when mom is being serious vs time to play around. Usually holding up 1 finger is enough but it’s been a process to get there. I tell them all the time tantrums do not get what you want, make a better choice (and remind them what that is).

Also kids are illogical and frustrating. I think you have to kind of decide how strict you want to be and if that’s right for your family. I try to chose my battles. My kids aren’t perfect all the time but they are happy and we try to strike that balance.

Re: Help me learn how to handle my son

It is completely normal. You need to stand firm and reinforce good habits. I do give my kids a reward for completing the entire workbook.

Help me learn how to handle my son

Normal. I tell mine she needs to use her words and if she doesn't I don't respond.

Agree that workbooks before bed is asking for trouble. Don't do that to yourself.

Re: Help me learn how to handle my son

Honestly he is only 4. I wouldn't be insisting on any work book before bed and I would not get into power struggles with him. You are the adult he is the child telling you no he doesn't want to eat fried rice or put on his shoes is the only control he has. I would commiserate with him as much as I can. I would describe his tantrums and tell him "you have really powerful feelings you are trying to get out and it is hard having people telling you what to do'. i would try to connect with him through play and let him lead the play. Hang in there!. Read Ross Green's collaborative problem solving.

Re: Help me learn how to handle my son

Message edited 7/9/2020 3:10:23 PM.

Help me learn how to handle my son

A few comments from posters:
>>Just keep reinforcing the rules and don't condone his behavior.

>>Stick to what your say, and ignore tantrums. ...If you stay consistent this phase will pass quickly.

>>Sounds normal. Just don't give in.

>>You need to stand firm and reinforce good habits


So when he is throwing a tantrum and stomping, I should ignore it and leave and let him cry?
Is there a limit? Like for "cry it out" they say 'dont go in until X minutes have passed'
Do I let him cry/tantrum but after 20 minutes go comfort him?

But I think by doing that you are teaching him "I just have to cry for 20 minutes and I'll win"
But ignoring him crying and drooling on the floor seems so heartless and sad


>> But, I wouldn't have the patience to force him to write the # 2

I thought, once we start I cannot back down so I have to see it through. So thats why I kept at it. I didn't want him to know that if pushed I will let him slide (although he gets away with way too much)

Re: Help me learn how to handle my son

Hi,

I think what some posters including myself are trying to say is that some of your demands may not be reasonable for a four year old. So if you stop asking him to do workbooks in the evening he will tantrum less. When he does tantrum you want to get down on his level and let him know you understand what he is going through and it is hard being so little and not feeling like you have any control. As long as you connect with him his tantrums should not last long. If he is in a safe place and is not hurting himself or anyone else then I don't think it is unreasonable to stay close by and let him have the time to cry and then settle down.

No you don't have to follow through on some of these demands. Trying to force a child to do what they don't want to do and continuing to insist despite their protest is getting into a power struggle with the child and will only lead to more oppositional behavior.



Also if you can try to catch your son doing what you want him to do and praise him it for him. Play with him and let him lead the play. All of these things will lead to more positive connection and make him less reliant on tantrums to show distress.

It sounds to me like you are doing your best but you need to reframe things. Why do you think him not doing something is "letting him win". Win what exactly?. When we demand things of children and pressure them to comply against their will you are breaking their spirit. Which I know is not what you want to do.

Message edited 7/9/2020 3:32:56 PM.