Parenting Question

So I have a question, is any other mom tired of carrying the “mental load of parenting”? In the sense that DH just doesn’t like I do and it’s really stressing me out. Little things, making sure you buy the right bread for school lunches, clean masks every day in backpack, forms uploaded for school, all those little things. Honestly it’s exhausting and I feel like i am gonna break. My kids are 9 and 12 and I’ve always been a full time working mom but I think being home during covid and now me going back to work makes me realize I did not help myself by doing it all I feel like it’s all on me even more so now. DH is a great father but he works crazy hours in construction and he’s tired I get it. He does exactly what I tell him too which is great, but exactly what I tell him too. I dunno maybe I’m just rambling and it’s been like this forever, moms are always at the center of the households.
Just wanted to see if anyone else feels this way?

Parenting Question

Me! And today I lost it lol... Work is crazy (I'm taking a break to clear my head before I start the next thing)...

DH does none of that stuff - forms, calendars, schedules, carpools, etc, it's all me.

Also managing gradebook, making sure online religion classes are done - all me! And new this year - making sure that we have an alternate plan on the days the bus isn't running.

The worst part is that we both work FT but, DH has days off as he works 24 hour shifts so he could do SOME of this!

Crap writing this all made me remember that I didn't submit DS's piano homework.

ETA - I also sent DS 2 into school today without a mask on - we had no bus, he asked me at the last minute to pack him a lunch, I asked if he had everything and he said yes but, alas, no mask.

Message edited 10/5/2021 2:19:52 PM.

Re: Parenting Question

Re: Parenting Question

100 percent - you aren't alone - parenting is so hard with the added pandemic pressure I personally think they should crop dust the whole damn country with prozac- everyone is on edge, every place you go is short staffed, lines are long and people are just fukin mean to each other.

School has changed- the protocols are ever moving, mask mandates and social distancing and just wondering how this will all impact my innocent kids that didn't ask to be born - mom guilt is crazy worrying how they will fair academically due to missing school in 2020- it's a shit show but you aren't alone if that offers you any comfort. Maybe ask your husband for more help - like laundry or hire a babysitter and give yourself some alone time to take a walk or just wander around home goods without having to care for your kids.

Hang in there Mama we made it this far, sending hugs

Parenting Question

Sorry that things are so difficult right now!

I'm a single mom (50/50 custody) so I get it but I think my circumstances might be a little easier b/c I only have 1 child and I work from home now. So while my son is at school, I'm able to do laundry and load the dish washer. Quarantine has made some things harder but a lot easier for other things.

Re: Parenting Question

I'm lucky in that DH does more than me actually.
I mean I'm still the one asking her about her homework being done, what clubs does she have today, when is religion class etc.

But he takes her to appointments, took her on and off the bus before she was old enough to go to the bus alone, took her to middle school orientation because I was working etc.
He helps her with homework just as much as I do etc.

It helps 100% that he's retired, however, even when he was working the mental load was always 50/50.
As a baby we were both up at nights for feedings etc.

And now, I feel like it's more him than me.
He also cooks and does way more cleaning than me.
But seeing this post makes me wonder- is he thinking the same thing about having too much mental load? And because he's a man he can't really express it like women can?

Food for thought for sure.
This is a good post.

Re: Parenting Question

DH and I were having this same convo last night. We were sitting there doing DD's homework with her and DH couldn't believe how much she had. Now, this is weeks into the school year. It was the first time this year he actually sat down and paid attention. I usually sit with her every night doing it while he's upstairs resting.

Yes, he works a long day - but you know what? So do I.

My mother always had this saying and I just love it:
"A man may work from sun to sun - but a woman's work is never done".

Re: Parenting Question

I think every mom gets burnout at various stages and ages. There are days that I want to pull my hair out and hide because there are just endless demands on me and my time every single day.

I know carving out time for yourself is super hard, especially as a FT working mom, but allowing yourself a few minutes every day to just breathe really helps. Sit outside for a few minutes, go to bed a little earlier so you can read, make a hot cup of tea and watch some trash TV, etc. Do anything that lets you "check out" for a few. We're all better moms when we find a way to take care of ourselves too.

But I know it's hard, we've all been there and it's safe to say that parenting and being a mom is exhausting. Hang in there.

Parenting Question

Totally get it. My husband is the same. Unless I tell him to do it he won’t. But I also prefer that I do it cause he will do it half a$$ed or not the way I like it.

I think all this quarantine just amplified it more and made it more noticeable to the point that your annoyed. Communication is key. Maybe have a chat about it

Re: Parenting Question

Honestly when my kids were younger my only "me" time was going home for lunch from work and it really helped.

I think MOST moms, and I know I will get backlash I am sure because I am just wrong all the time, do most if not all of the household things that also pertain to the kids.

Housework can vary from family to family as some women are more anal and some men are more anal about cleanliness and tidying up. I can't "lower" my standards as some people say you should.

Re: Parenting Question

Thanks everyone for the replies, it’s nice to see I’m not alone. Honestly the more I think about it the more I feel like it’s an individual thing, I’m just a type A person where I need to have the schedules on the fridge and to make sure my kids have all their winter clothes and appointments scheduled as opposed to my husband who is a type B person that he just needs to have direction like defrost the chicken or don’t forget they have religion tonight at 5 and pick them up at 630. Realistically I don’t think I I could hang out on the couch while they do homework with him as opposed to where he can and enjoys it. Like I said DH is a great father but if u asked him what shoe size our kids are he would be lost. I need to work on letting go a little. Thank you all again.

Re: Parenting Question

I think we are totally the same. I have a 12 and 10 year old. I do work, but PT from home, but bc it's so sporadic it's full time and I'm VP on the elementary school board so that's a FT job in itself. DH is a contractor and owns his own business.
He will coach games, he helps when I ask for other things and he is also just mentally and physically drained by the night. We both are! Covid doesn't help at all bc we used to vacation more and breaks, but we are very carful.
I think it's ok to say... can you do this bc I'm going out with the girls?
I do that once in a while. Need "me" time or a girl's night. Of course I can be OCD so even if DH does it I feel like it's not to my standards so I have to learn to accept it.

Vent away! That's what we're here for

Re: Parenting Question

Parenting Question

My DH does a ton…..and I still feel like I carry the mental load. Picture day, clothes, activities- he might take her to an activity, but he takes her because I remind him. He’ll make the lunch but I have to remember when and what to buy, then go buy it.

I have a very demanding job and parents in poor health and I’m just done with everything. There is no me time. There is no TIME for me time. Ever. If it isn’t DD it’s work or my parents or who knows what else.

Hang in there. It sucks, but you are not alone!

Re: Parenting Question

Yes. 100% yes.

And I can especially relate to the fact that DH will do anything I ask (and he'll do it well), but I still have to carry the mental load of running our home and family. He'll run to the store and shop, but I still need to keep track of what we need and when. He'll cook if I ask, but I still have to meal plan week after week.

It's exhausting. But you're not alone.

Re: Parenting Question

This has been me since before the pandemic. I was the only one leaving the house during the beginning. Everyone else was home.
I was then tasked with keeping up with all the outside chores as previously done such as shopping and groceries.
I was still tasked with doing all the housework.
I was still tasked with managing all the social and emotional needs.
I lose my sh!t every couple of months because NO ONE does anything extra until I do. I was angry at my SO because he isn't doing housework while he is working from home and he said "I can't - I am working during the day" to which I responded..."When the F do you think I do the housework? After I work and commute home? You can pick up a lot of it in just the time you save from not commuting or dressing for work."
It gets better slightly and then goes right back to me feeling like I do everything.
I"m tired. I am sad. I am wrung out.
I understand and feel you.

Parenting Question

It's a mom thing for sure. I actually had a woman at work say "you must be a mom, you are amazing at multi-tasking and remembering everything that needs to get done" LOL
I find that even if I have to say to DH, "take out the chicken and defrost it or drive DD to the gym at 5:15"- at least it's something off my plate. It's definitely mentally exhausting, and you are not alone!

Re: Parenting Question

Oh don't get me started on the women's movement and what a disservice it did to us!!!! It's great that we can work and be independent and all of that happy horse sh!t but they could have also made a move to eradicate gender roles altogether. Instead, now we get to work AND be housewives. It's really increcible.

This time of year is particularly hard with the beginning of school and all activities. It's non stop. I have a great DH. He does homework, bath time and bed time. He will even cook if I ask him. But I'm the one doing the mental load. 100%. Like if I ask him to cook dinner he will say yes and then stare at me for further directives. He would never just open the fridge and figure it out. He will dress the kids so long as I put together the outfit.

Today I spent an hour figuring out logistics to HIS cousins' wedding in a few weeks. Who's watching the kids? Who is getting DC to soccer? Who is taking DC2 to a bday party? Are we staying in a hotel or driving the hour and a half home? Let me price out hotels. Meanwhile, he just
throws his suit on and ******* at me because I forgot to take his suit to the cleaners.

So no. You are not alone!!!

Re: Parenting Question

Yes.
DH will happily do whatever I ask, but it is all in my head and on my calendar. His job is more stressful than mine and He has to be there in person, so I understand. But Even after over a decade of doing this for 3 kids, I sometimes wonder if I died what would happen. Practices missed, Dr appt forgotten, forms not completed for school, no vacations planned, no groceries delivered, it would be a disaster forget about laundry and cleaning
Hang in there and ask for help when you can

Parenting Question

I hear you. While I do not have the added stress of working, I do have 2 special needs kids which makes it like I have 10! It is constant and exhausting. Between CSE meetings, charts, researching new therapies, therapies, medications, having everything for school, anticipating whatever can trigger the girls and have all that prepared, activities, doctors, school meetings which are almost daily, then all my normal stuff, cleaning, laundry, cooking, budgeting, vacations, I am mentally exhausted.

A couple of years ago, I had a really bad dream that I died and then I got scared because my husband would be clueless with all the girls stuff and I sat down and wrote everything out to the littlest detail. It was about 10 pages and I continue to update it every few months.

Parenting Question

Yes I feel this way all the time. It's not that he doesnt want to do it I just have been always the one to do it. I have a very stressful job as well which is extremely mentally draining. I am considering leaving my job due to this. Makes.me.lack patience for the every day things

Re: Parenting Question

U’re not alone. My hubby works a lot and although I’m thankful to be able to stay home with the kids, especially since we have to homeschool, it’d be really nice to share the load with him a bit more. They do have a “boys night” in the middle of the week and he takes care of bedtime on the weekend so these times def help me to recharge. Is there any way u can talk to ur DH so he can help with the kids at least one night a week? If it’s possible, get out of the house during that night, do not stay home. Even if u have nothing to do, u can always go to the beach by urself, catch a movie, go to Barnes and Noble and read a book while drinking coffee. It can def help!

Parenting Question

Sometimes you just have to let things go and simply ask for help with the task, whether it’s done correctly or not. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter and takes the burden off of you. It’s been so freeing since I’ve seen the light.

Parenting Question

My DH claimed he couldn't figure out DS homework last night. Its literally a calendar, and every day is labeled. He's in Kinder. He had to draw and label 3 things that are blue. SERIOUSLY?!?

Re: Parenting Question

If you’re on TikTok , follow @thatdarnchat
She talks about invisible labor and division of labor with couples. Hits the nail on the head with almost every single post.

How men “baby sit” the kids. uh? It’s not babysitting, it’s part of parenthood.

The fact that you feel like the “manager” of your household because you have to remind your partner to do x, y and z. Etc.

Check her out. She’s great.