Did any dad's get the baby blues?

My husband and I have been having problems since our dd was born. He seems so depressed and wants to be less and less involved in her life. He makes it seem to friends and family like everything is great!Then every weekend he tells me he wants his freedom back and starts fights with me.
He tells me if he does an hours worth of work a week I should be thankful! We went to talk to someone and they reccommended seperating. He thinks my dh does not want to change and has become verbally abusive. He said I should act like a single parent and not ask anything of him. This is suppose to be the happiest time of our life. I adore our daughter. I worry so much about her future and love her so much! I don't know what to do!!

Re: Did any dad's get the baby blues?

IMO as a social worker I think your therapist added an additional problem for you. Why not work on the family structure rather then the therapist saying you should seperate. Clearly, dh sounds like he needs some therapy. I think everyone feels some sort of freedom lost but in time we regain it. The difference between the first few weeks with my dd is significantly different then now. How long have you seen this therapist? I just think you might want to get someone with another perspective. Seperating when a change of family structure happens doesnt cure the problem. Now if he was hitting you I would say go and go fast. What exactly did you mean by verbally abusive? Sounds to me like you have alot of work ahead of you but evrything changes and situations always improve even if it seems like the darkest days.

Re: Did any dad's get the baby blues?

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I don't have any great advice but I think you need to do what is best for you and DD. I don't think there is ever an excuse for abusing someone, whether it be emotional, physical or verbal. To me, that is a deal breaker and I would ask DH to leave. I would not tolerate that and I don't think you should either. I would continue with counseling and see where that goes but I would seperate myself from an abusive husband.

Re: Did any dad's get the baby blues?

Re: Did any dad's get the baby blues?

Mine did. Its bloody hard for the guys for the first few weeks. They see us going through all those incredible highs and lows, they see us crying all the time (okay me) and its hard for them to deal with. Also, they don't necessarily have the bond with the baby right away that us women do. Some guys just do not know what to do with babies...thats just the way some guys are!

(as Janice will tell you...) My thing is that you need to cut the guys some slack, make sure they are included in anything...including running you a bath if thats helpful! Give them time to come around. I thought my guy would NEVER come around to this baby, I thought they would never have a bond...and now, 14 months on, they absolutely ADORE each other!

eta....we didn't have any problems as serious as yours, I hope that you guys work through it!

Message edited 3/28/2007 11:01:40 AM.

Re: Did any dad's get the baby blues?

Re: Did any dad's get the baby blues?

Thankyou for your posts, I am hoping in time he comes around!I know it's a big adjustment to have a child. I am hoping it is something that will get better with time. When it's good with my husband it's good but when it's bad it's bad. I have to say he has never been physically abusive but has grown up with verbal abuse himself.

Posted by PrincessP

IMO as a social worker I think your therapist added an additional problem for you. Why not work on the family structure rather then the therapist saying you should seperate. Clearly, dh sounds like he needs some therapy. I think everyone feels some sort of freedom lost but in time we regain it. The difference between the first few weeks with my dd is significantly different then now. How long have you seen this therapist? I just think you might want to get someone with another perspective. Seperating when a change of family structure happens doesnt cure the problem. Now if he was hitting you I would say go and go fast. What exactly did you mean by verbally abusive? Sounds to me like you have alot of work ahead of you but evrything changes and situations always improve even if it seems like the darkest days.

Message edited 3/28/2007 11:23:58 AM.

Re: Did any dad's get the baby blues?

A lot of fathers feel some sort of sadness/depression/unexplained feelings when a new baby comes around. We used to be the sole focus of our wive's attention at home. We could go for a bike ride, go to a baseball game, go out to dinner on a whim, just because. Now, all of a sudden, we are second fiddle to this new person. All of our time (and our DW) is spent on the baby. There's no more popping out for a few hours to hang with the guys, go to a movie, go out to dinner with our DW. Plus, there is the stress of dealing with the additional financial burden.

With that said, most adults should get over that very quickly. Yes, I miss being alone with my DW, but I can't imagine life without my DC at this point. Sure, we're exhausted, have little free time, and not as much "toy money" (actually, we have plenty of "toy money", it's just that the toys are rated for 1 to 5 year olds... )

I think he needs to be more involved in some of the day-to-day activities and decisions with your DD. Let him take her while you do the laundry, take a bath, etc. Holding a baby in your arms for a few hours is an amazing way to bond with DD and appreciate what you have.

I don't think there is a need for separating, I just think he needs to adjust and realize that you aren't ignoring him, it's just that things are different now.

Re: Did any dad's get the baby blues?

First of all, I think your therapist stinks! Separation should be a last resort and I'm shocked he suggested it given that you and DH are obviously trying to improve things by even seeing a therapist. I think you need to give your DH responsibilities with the baby. Like feed DD her night time bottle or give her a bath. and when he does these things, don't get involved. Even if he does it differently than you may, let him be. Let that be his one-on-one time to bond with the baby.

Re: Did any dad's get the baby blues?

Posted by parentingadviceneeded

Thankyou for your posts, I am hoping in time he comes around!I know it's a big adjustment to have a child. I am hoping it is something that will get better with time. When it's good with my husband it's good but when it's bad it's bad. I have to say he has never been physically abusive but has grown up with verbal abuse himself.

Posted by PrincessP

IMO as a social worker I think your therapist added an additional problem for you. Why not work on the family structure rather then the therapist saying you should seperate. Clearly, dh sounds like he needs some therapy. I think everyone feels some sort of freedom lost but in time we regain it. The difference between the first few weeks with my dd is significantly different then now. How long have you seen this therapist? I just think you might want to get someone with another perspective. Seperating when a change of family structure happens doesnt cure the problem. Now if he was hitting you I would say go and go fast. What exactly did you mean by verbally abusive? Sounds to me like you have alot of work ahead of you but evrything changes and situations always improve even if it seems like the darkest days.

Thank you for your post as well! It actually made me feel so much better. I have been emotional all morning. I agree about what you said about the therapist. We just started and it took a lot for him to go. He said he will never go back. I have heard by 2-3 visits you should feel better when seeing a therpist. We just had our 3rd visit. We decided not to go back to him. I don't think that therpist did us any good. It actually left me very drained. I think my dh needs to learn how to control his anger. I don't know who to turn to.