If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

You may think this is a strange question coming from me being I just had a baby and at this point DH and I are not TTC again until next fall but I was just watching a show about a couple who cannot conceive and how it is affecting their marriage. I have had friends and family who have been in the same situation and in one case it ended in divorce even after having the babies. Hearing other people stories puts things into perspective that everything does not always run according to plan. Who knew I would get pregnant right away, while maybe someone else could not. I cannot imagine the havoc it wreaks on someone and their relationship. One thing I dont understand is why people feel ashamed that they are having problems having a baby? Maybe b/c I am not in that position, but I think I would want to talk to people and hear their success stories. Everywhere I turn these days it seems like more and more people are having problems with infertility and I think it is great that people are opening up and giving hope to others.

Message edited 9/18/2007 6:53:16 PM.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

I feel it brought DH and me even closer, we were working together for a common goal.

Most of my friends who are having difficulties have the best marriages I have ever seen...

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

I was very fortunate not to have problems conceiving.

My best friend did. She went through five years of IF. The only people that knew were her close family & friends, that is until she adopted her daughter.

I know on some level (at least from what she said) that she felt her body failed her. She felt that having children should be a biological function that every women should be able to do.

I wouldn't say she was ashamed. It was heartbreak, pure silent heartbreak that she didn't want to share with anyone. She preferred to put up the "I"m too busy having fun in my marriage" front then to tell everyone that every month she would pray not to get her period & every month she would spend days crying. I can't even tell you how many times she would calculate "if I get pregnant this month, I'll have a baby by <insert whatever holiday was that month>. It was the only thing that got her through major holidays like Christmas & Mother's Day.

It's bad enough that people feel it's ok to pry in people's sex lives, but for her EVERYTHING was a reminder. At the end, she was bitter & angry. She cut people out the minute she suspected they were pregnant & friends who had newborns. I thank G-d that she adopted her daughter. I never ever thought her heart would heal from the pain that IF brings but it did.

Her marriage broke up but I'm not sure I would say it was IF. Her husband was extremely supportive during those years. It fell apart four years after they adopted their daughter. She said that her DH could not deal with not being the center of her universe once her dd came along.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

We tried for years b4 having DD (3 IUI's, 4 IVF's and none of it worked. Eventually acupuncture did the trick!). While at times it was very emotional, I really do feel that it brought DH and I closer together. When we finally got pregnant, it was as if our prayers had been answered. Now we just have a great little family. We hope TTC the next one won't be as trying.

ETA: So I don't think I answered the actual question. Did it affect our marriage? Yes, sometimes the disappointment was all-consuming & I think we were just so wrapped up in *baby on the brain*. We really worked not to let it tear us apart though. We laughed together and sometimes cried together.

I never felt ashamed. I always thought for myself that g-d would only give me what I could handle. That may be my own defense mechanism but for me it makes things okay.

Message edited 9/18/2007 8:31:49 PM.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

My IF issues brought Dh and I closer. We tried for over a year, had three miscarriages, 12 IUI's, thousands of unaswered questions and alot of anger and pain...but Dh always stayed supportive, caring and loving. I remember when I had the miscarriages thinking DH doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to be with someone who might never be able to have his child. I would stay up crying everynight dreading my next doctors appointment with the fertility specialist knowing I would have to see the sadness in Dh's face when she would tell us I wasn't pregnant. But, he always stood by me, came to EVERY appointment and cried when I cried.

Now, we have a beautiful baby girl who truely is a miracle. We look at her everyday and count our blessings for what really is the greatest gift ever.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

I won't lie - it was hard for us.

It took two years for us to get pregnant and there were definitely times when it was a strain on our relationship.

We were both stressed, and we deal with stress in very different ways, which lead to miscommunications and hurt feelings sometimes.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

I think it definitely put a strain on our relationship. The constant letdown month after month was hard for both of us especially as we watched all our friends have children. We always stayed close with our friends though and cherished the relationships we formed with their children. It also puts a strain financially when you start going through treatments which are not covered. We were very fortunate to conceive after about 3 years of trying - 6 of those months we were seeing a specialist and it was IVF that worked for us. Now we are pregnant with our second and it was completely natural

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

I'm not going to lie...there were times when it was really hard. Seeing other couples around you conceive at the drop of a hat and you feel like God is playing a cruel joke on you every month when AF shows up.
However, I think those feelings are totally normal and for DH & I going through the entire process of IVF together has made us stronger and more appreciative of each other and the baby that I'm carrying.
Even though I am pregnant now, it's still hard for me sometimes to see people who get pregnant so easy and that DH and I Had to work so hard but I'm a believer that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

Deleting for my cousins privacy!

Message edited 9/18/2007 9:49:57 PM.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

I am so glad to hear so many positive stories. And I think it is great that you shared. My neighbor tried for almost 15 yrs. to get pregnant with her twins and we have had long discussions about it. She is always willing to talk to others b/c she said that was the one thing she didnt have at the time, was people around her who had gone through it. Fertility treatments have come such a long way since than that more and more people are able to have children.

I was also shocked to hear today on Oprah, when she was interviewing Jenny McCarthy, that 80% of marriages where their child has been diagnosed with autism fail. I was shocked to learn those statistics. I could only imagine it being tremendously stressful and trying on everyone, just as fertility issues are, but I feel like you guys, in the end it should only make you stronger. But I guess in Jenny McCarthy's case it worked out for the best b/c she said now she is with someone who gives her the support that she needs to help her son.

I guess I'm a little nutty. I always watch these shows and get sentimental thinking that could be me, that could be a family member or friend. We tend to go through life thinking "that could never happen to me" but that is definetely not always the case.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

yes it affected it in a big way.

At first it was rough and there were times when we were cranky and irritated at each other yet felt we had to BD b/c It was that time or when going through fertility treatments, times I had to ask for him to give me my shot when I wanted nothing to do with him.

Or when his grandmother died on the morning of my IVF retrieval and he had to hold it in and not tell me till after we got home b/c I was so scared and he didnt want to make it worse for me and he had to suffer through his grief for hours alone.....

BUT , in the end it made us much closer as a couple. Facing some hard reality made us see deeper into each other and Im grateful that out of something so tough and painful to deal with, we learned something and we grew together from it.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

I forgot to mention the financial aspect of it all was hard as well. That was the worst part of it all I think as far as disagreements went.

And everyones journey is different.

We went a long time with just doing inseminations, which were not a hard thing to do, they were emotional but over quick and painless for the most part ( besides the injections!)

The IVF procedure was a WHOLE nother ballgame.

And I see women who have to go through MANY IVF's to have babies and to me, even if we were trying the same amount of time or even them less, they still have it worse but anything that is so in depth as that procedure takes up your life for that period of time.

Sorry , I went off on a tangent there.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

well.. i don't have kids yet, but i have a genetic disorder that makes me unable to have bio kids. i've known about it my whole life basically. they don't even recommend IVF for me because of possible health complications, so our only choice is adoption, which we're both fine with.
i guess its helped that i've known about my situation for a long time so i had time to "prepare" myself. it wasn't like we tried to have kids and couldn't. i told DH about the whole situation pretty soon after we met just becasue i could tell it was going to be a serious relationship and i wanted him to know... so far,we're both dealing ok. we talk a lot about it. we haven't started the adoption process yet, so i'm not sure if that will bring any changes or not. but i can see how like the others said, i think it can only make us stronger becasue we'll be working towards a common goal. i worry about somewhere down the line whether DH might start resenting the fact that he can't have his own bio kids with me.. but i think as long as we keep communicating and talking about how we feel about things, we'll be fine.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

Yes and no. My trouble was with a second pregnancy. My problem centered around early/chemical pregnancies. My infertility was never fully diagnosed (various things including PCOS were ruled out). I always felt guilty feeling to bad about my problems because I had a healthy child. My husband who was very supportive also felt this way. Sometimes I would get frustrated with him because I felt he didn't get how lousy I was really feeling. But, in all honesty I always put up a good front. My mantra during those years was "nobody gets everything they want." And I constantly reminded myself how lucky I was in so many areas of my life. My oldest also has two cousins, her same age, within two miles (as well as aunts, uncles and grandparents with whom she is very close) . So part of me thought this was what I "got". However, I never could quite "sell" myself on the idea, although I apparently "sold" most of those around me. So good luck to all those having trouble. I unfortunately "get it."

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

I can not imagine having anyone else by my side. He has never made me feel inadequate, unloved or damaged. He has always been my strongest supporter and champion. I am forever indebted to him, not only through the bonds and promises of our marriage but by the devotion he has shown me. For our wedding we had a reading from The Prophet done and I think we are living in this way now, which was our intent:

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Message edited 9/19/2007 2:41:50 PM.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

It was very hard for me but, it didn't put a strain on our marriage. I had a fertility problem and after 10 months finally got pregnant. I was stressed from work and everyone around me was getting pregnant. But I after going to acupunture acouple of times and getting off sinus medication and going on 3 months worth of fertility pills it all happened and now John is 9 months old today.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

Yes. DH was very supportive most of the time and there was never a time that our marriage was in "trouble" per so. But, there were times during that 20 month period that scared me. It was the only time in our marriage that we actually had some "strain." I think it was because the infertility was the only thing I could focus on, talk about, and try to fix, and he felt like that was more important to me than him or our marriage.

Re: If you had a hard time conceiving, did it affect your marriage?

My dh and I struggled for a while. While it was all me that had the "problem" he stood by me every step of the way. My dh and I are known to be a "heated" couple. We argue over EVERYTHING. We are total opposites and anyone who knows us, knows we feed on this kind of relationship. But when it came to fertility issues, we were always so good with each other. It was actually one of the times in our marriage that we were the STRONGEST!

We stood by each other..he understood all of my feelings (even though he couldnt fully understand how broken my heart was while we were trying)...he was there for EVERY appointment no matter what it took. He held my hand when I took test after test. He didnt complain once when he had to go for his own testing. He stood right outside the bathroom door every time I took a pregnancy test. He was there every time I came out crying and disappointed. He showed me that he wanted a baby as much as I did and never once did he ever hold it over my head that I was the one who had the problem.

We struggle in other areas from time to time but when it came to conceiving our child, we were basically always on the same page and in that way, became a stronger couple.