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Confused
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/05 21 total posts
Name:
Diane
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If your DH lied to you would you...UPDATED 2/7.
I'm using an anonymous posting name for obvious reasons.
I'm talking lied to your face, even after he was caught. And, you believed him and only caught him in the lie because you kept on pushing. And, it had happened before (little things on a FEW occassions) but, this time it was for something big - MONEY. Lied about taking money out of a joint account. Approximately $10,000. To use on household expenses nothing shady. BUT, never told you that the money was needed to cover expenses, and tried to hide from you the fact he was taking it. In fact, when asked how much money was in the account - LIED. When asked again, for the statements, LIED. Admitted to taking the money out but then saying it was paid back - which it wasn't. Only told the truth when there was no other option.
Would you consider a divorce since you could never trust him again?
ETA: The money was taken out over a year period, on three different occassions.
ETA: The most shocking thing is that this is TOTALLY out of character. This is someone you would never expect to lie. A completely wonderful DH in every other sense but, I feel like I hardly know him anymore and cannot trust him about anything.
UPDATED: So it turns out there were more financial lies and things were done to cover them up that initially fooled me into thinking his explanations were accurate. I am completely destroyed and have no idea what to do. I want to thank all you ladies for your support .
Message edited 2/7/2006 8:10:47 PM.
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Posted 1/29/06 4:21 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
Name:
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Perhaps not divorce...But I would immediately separate my money from his until I felt comfortable again- which might never happen.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:22 PM |
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MrsERod
Praying for Everyone.
Member since 5/05 26170 total posts
Name:
MrsERod™®
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
I would totally be pi$$ed about him lying and trying to cover it up, but i don't know that i'd go so far as to consider Divorce over it. Definitely the lines of communication need to be broadened on his part. Maybe seek counseling before you do/say something as drastic as going the divorce route. 
Hope it works out for you!
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:24 PM |
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Confused
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/05 21 total posts
Name:
Diane
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Thanks baghag but, would you wonder if he was lying about other things as well? I mean, the money is easy to follow now but, what about everything else? Do you think if someone can lie that easily about one thing and lie even after they were caught they could easily lie about anything?
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:25 PM |
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Ali1
Mommy
Member since 8/05 3116 total posts
Name:
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
I am a little confused about the situation. How did your DH take out $10,000 for "household expenses" and you not have a clue about it? Is there stuff done or things paid off that you knew about but didn't connect the missing money to? I can understand a few hundred or even a thousand but $10,000 is ALOT of money...i would really be questioning if that is what he used it for and what was the reason he lied about it if it waw so innocent as getting household stuff done.
Good luck.
Message edited 1/29/2006 4:28:17 PM.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:28 PM |
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Confused
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/05 21 total posts
Name:
Diane
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Hey Ali, I totally know what you mean. I am looking through the credit card statements and don't see anything suspect. I think its just that our rent and other expenses may have been more than he could handle and I just didn't realize it  We took a very expensive vacation this year (2 weeks in Europe) and he is blaming it on that. But, that said, im not positive, im trying to figure it out right now. I have asked him for records of everything. Its just I cannot comprehend him lying about it and pretending we had the money when maybe we did not 
Message edited 1/29/2006 4:35:08 PM.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:30 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Posted by Confused
I'm using an anonymous posting name for obvious reasons.
I'm talking lied to your face, even after he was caught. And, you believed him and only caught him in the lie because you kept on pushing. And, it had happened before (little things on a FEW occassions) but, this time it was for something big - MONEY. Lied about taking money out of a joint account. Approximately $10,000. To use on household expenses nothing shady. BUT, never told you that the money was needed to cover expenses, and tried to hide from you the fact he was taking it. In fact, when asked how much money was in the account - LIED. When asked again, for the statements, LIED. Admitted to taking the money out but then saying it was paid back - which it wasn't. Only told the truth when there was no other option.
Would you consider a divorce since you could never trust him again?
ETA: The most shocking thing is that this is TOTALLY out of character. This is someone you would never expect to lie. A completely wonderful DH in every other sense but, I feel like I hardly know him anymore and cannot trust him about anything.
i don't know that i would jump to consider divorce based just on that, BUT like you said in your other post- it does really make you question so many other things. Its hard for me to say, but i really do have ZERO tolerance for lying- i'm completely honest, and i expect the same in return. If i didnt fully trust someone, i dont know that i could continue to invest all of myself into the relationship. i would definitely try conseling first though. 
good luck with whatever you decide
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:32 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
hmmmmmmmm. difficult.
i dont know.
i mean, i understand comepletely how you must feel so betrayed. and i mean, $10, 000 is ALOT of money.
what did he REALLY use it on though? are you SURE he used it on what he said he did. cuase wouldnt you realize if he were spending so much $$ on the house?
now when did this tkae palce also..... could it be he actually is using the money to surprise you with somethign???
just an idea
etA: i think i would THREATEN with divorce, but not actually do it.
Message edited 1/29/2006 4:34:10 PM.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:33 PM |
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Ali1
Mommy
Member since 8/05 3116 total posts
Name:
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Posted by Confused
Hey Ali, I totally know what you mean. I am looking through the credit card statements and don't see anything suspect. I think its just that our rent and other expenses may have been more than he could handle and I just didn't realize it But, that said, im not positive, im trying to figure it out.
Wouldn't he use your joint account thought to pay off rent and other household expenses? And even if he paid out of his own account and could not cover it, why lie to you about it. To me (and i probably don't know the whole situation) it sounds really shaddy. $10,000 is a lot of money and the fact he lied about it numerous times makes me think he might be lieing again about what he spent the money on.
Do a little investigative work and see what you can find.
Sorry you are having to deal with this.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:33 PM |
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Can you account for the $10k? Was it taken out in a chunk? That would worry me, that maybe it's gambling or drugs.
I would not immediately think divorce, but this might be something to take to a professional.
Good luck.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:33 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Posted by MrsProfessor
Can you account for the $10k? Was it taken out in a chunk? That would worry me, that maybe it's gambling or drugs.
that's what i was thinking too. i mean, esepcially if youre doing work on the house, or needed alot of things, it CAN esily add up to alot... but it still sounds kind of weird that within a month, it just disappeared 
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:36 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
yes it is odd. and when did he tkae it out??? a while ago or recently, or sporatically.
like ali said, if its for household stuff,,,,,,, why lie????
eta: the more i think about it, the more i dont like it.
Message edited 1/29/2006 4:37:44 PM.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:37 PM |
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Confused
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/05 21 total posts
Name:
Diane
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Girls thank you so much for all your posts
Like a few of you posted, trust is a HUGE issue for me. I could care less about the money - we still have enough of it, money is not a problem for us. What I care about is the TRUST. I just feel like everything is a lie now and I can't imagine staying married to someone who i can't trust
I'm going nuts right now and I don't want to tell anyone about this so I can't get advice from anyone as to whether this is normal.
Have any of you gone to counseling? Does it help at all. I feel like if someone is a liar by nature I just want to be rid of them
ETA: The money was taken out over a year, on three different occassions.
Message edited 1/29/2006 4:38:40 PM.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:38 PM |
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suvenR
designer mutt
Member since 5/05 4239 total posts
Name:
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
I would first separate my money from him. I'd also seriously consider separating from HIM...
This "household expenses" doesn't fly with me. Why didn't he tell you about it? I have a feeling that money went to something that your DH knew you would not approve of...
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:39 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
i agree with Ali... and, if it were for hosehold stuff... wouldnt you otice changes around the house??
do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up??? my DHs 30th birthday is in a few months, and eventhough i dont have anythng planned yet, i told him not to ask me about where my moneys going for the next few months (he already knows somethings going to get planned, but i didnt want to have a situation like this one).
the other thing iis that,,, eventhough you said it in passing- it would still bother me to think that its happened a 'few other times' but on a smaller scale. but like i said- i really cant deal with any level of lying
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:40 PM |
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Confused
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/05 21 total posts
Name:
Diane
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
I am having him bring me all the records and, I am not going to sleep tonight until every dollar is accounted for.
If that turns out to be true, and the money wasn't for anything outside of "us" what do you ladies think?
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:41 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
did you ask him why he was lying?
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:41 PM |
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MrsERod
Praying for Everyone.
Member since 5/05 26170 total posts
Name:
MrsERod™®
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Posted by Confused
I am having him bring me all the records and, I am not going to sleep tonight until every dollar is accounted for.
If that turns out to be true, and the money wasn't for anything outside of "us" what do you ladies think?
if the money can be accounted for, and it turns out the he did in fact use it for the household expenses, then i suggest getting that free budget kit from dr. phil that some of the ladies were talking about the other day. it wouldn't hurt.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:43 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Posted by Confused
I am having him bring me all the records and, I am not going to sleep tonight until every dollar is accounted for.
If that turns out to be true, and the money wasn't for anything outside of "us" what do you ladies think?
if it was just big bills for things that went to the 2 of you or your home, i couldnt see myself being upset by it. Expenses can add up, BUT, if you have 2 completely different spending habits, then there's tons of resources out there to help you set a budget and try to get on the same page with each other
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:43 PM |
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Confused
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/05 21 total posts
Name:
Diane
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
His explanation of where the money went:
Our vacation cost more than he had "budgeted" and didn't have enough to cover it out of his salary.
Taxes - we owed about $5,000 in taxes last year which he did not anticipate.
And, other expenses in general which I am going to figure out.
Like I said, if this is true, where do I go from here?
neeniebean - you seem to be similar to me with feelings about trust. that is the main issue for me here. do you think i am going overboard by seriously considering leaving him?
Message edited 1/29/2006 4:45:20 PM.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:44 PM |
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Confused
LIF Zygote
Member since 5/05 21 total posts
Name:
Diane
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Posted by Lolita4Life
did you ask him why he was lying?
Lolita- he said that he was embarrassed that his salary couldn't cover our expenses and he did not want to worry or upset me.
This is part of what he wrote in an email he just sent me:
I just get so scared of letting you down…its hard to describe…but this is in no way a ploy for sympathy…this is what I feel…I just wanted to be one of those husbands who takes care of everything without you having to worry a bit….and I know I am doing better at work and will soon make some real money…I just needed some time for my salary to catch up with my intentions.
Message edited 1/29/2006 4:47:38 PM.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:46 PM |
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Jesaroo
is not the girl you knew
Member since 5/05 14266 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Posted by Confused
Posted by Lolita4Life
did you ask him why he was lying?
Lolita- he said that he was embarrassed that his salary couldn't cover our expenses and he did not want to worry or upset me.
Okay, interesting.
i think you have to see furthermore what you can find out and then trust your instincts
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:47 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Posted by Confused
His explanation of where the money went:
Our vacation cost more than he had "budgeted" and didn't have enough to cover it out of his salary.
Taxes - we owed about $5,000 in taxes last year which he did not anticipate.
And, other expenses in general which I am going to figure out.
Like I said, if this is true, where do I go from here?
neeniebean - you seem to be similar to me with feelings about trust. that is the main issue for me here. do you think i am going overboard by seriously considering leaving him?
i think if the money is accounted for in those things, then it wouldnt bother me. DH and i have separate accounts- it doesnt have anything to do with trust issues, its just easier for us to manage our expenses that way (plus, most of our bills are taken out directly from our account, so we didnt feel like changing all of that yet). In any case, we still know whats going on in each other's accounts, and where all of our money is going to. Our vacation was more than expected, but we were both aware of that- DH tells me when he has a big bill to pay, and i do the same. the idea of it is just weird to me to think that i didnt know what he did with 10K of our money. If it is just for those expenses, i wouldnt consider divorce, but i would really stress sitting down and resolving it. He should be able to tell you when he's paying bills, or when he feels like his salary doesnt cover it. i understand Pride and everything, but theres no pride in marriage... just openness and honesty, imo.
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| Posted 1/29/06 4:52 PM |
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TheInfamousOTG
Waiting for Lil' M....
Member since 5/05 3468 total posts
Name:
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
Message edited 1/29/2006 6:45:34 PM.
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| Posted 1/29/06 5:00 PM |
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Bri
I Love You to Pieces!
Member since 5/05 9919 total posts
Name:
Brianne
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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...
1) Seperate your money from his
2) Counseling
3) Consider taking control of the finances
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| Posted 1/29/06 5:10 PM |
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