Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Posted by Confused

Girls thank you so much for all your posts

Like a few of you posted, trust is a HUGE issue for me. I could care less about the money - we still have enough of it, money is not a problem for us. What I care about is the TRUST. I just feel like everything is a lie now and I can't imagine staying married to someone who i can't trust

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Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

My ex was a pathological liar..... not particularly about $$.... doesn't matter what the issue is, if the trust is gone, it's gone.

Maybe you can find out where it really went....household finances make no sense to me. Get seperate accounts, and handle the $$ yourself. And get DH to counseling. Good luck!!

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Opps, I didn't say it above

But and for you

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

How do u really know it was used for household expenses and not something else... I would make him prove to me how he spent the money. That's my trust issue there too. For some reason I don't believe how he spent it until I visually see it. BC then I woud jump the gun and think maybe it was used toward gambling or somehing else. Those are just my own thoughts

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

I'm not sure I understand. I have not read through the other posts, so excuse me if it's been explained, but, why would he lie if it was for household expenses? Something just doesn't make sense.

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

I would definitely go for counseling. You cannot have a relationship without trust. I don't know if I'd leave him over it....if the money did not go to where it's claimed to have gone, then the issue is bigger.

And if he took the money for household expenses and his salary couldn't cover it....where is the shame in admitting that? DH and I tell each other all the time to not buy extras since there is very little money in the bank.

And if his salary couldn't cover certain things, why spend it on things like an expensive vacation? You should not be living outside your means and I know you said money is not the issue, but clearly for him it is. I'm assuming this account was only getting deposits and not being withdrawn from on a regular basis and you were living on your salaries.

I have MAJOR trust issues and something like this would trigger ME to question everything else. That's just me though....

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

I'd still have a major problem with him lying...and, technically, he did "steal" from your savings account...

I'd feel like I was lied to and stolen from. wouldn't matter to me that the money was spent on "us"...it would matter to me that it was taken and spent without my consent.

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Ok, I went back and read through some of the other posts. Now, if your husband can account for everything that's missing and it really was for the two of you, I would just look at it as a lesson that nothing should be handled solely by one person in the relationship, and this was just the hard way of finding out. I would involve yourself in all matters of your relationship, especially financial ones. I do believe that some men really do have an overwhelming need to "take care of" their wives and families and have a very hard time when they cannot do that. I know it can make them feel like "less of a man", however, he needs to trust in your relationship and that he does not need to "take care of" you. I would definitely consider counseling. I honestly think that if he can account for that money, that he's not lying because he's hiding something, I think he's lying out of his own insecurities. However, if your instincts are telling you something is not right with the situation still, then you really need to sort this out separate from him and decide to where to go from there.

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Ladies thank you so much for your advice and support it is really really helpful.

I am making him show me all of the statements from our various accounts, bills, his paychecks, cc bill etc so I can piece this together and make sure that he is not lying.

The thing is, now that I stop and think about it - I may have been foolish to think that we could support our lifestyle and all of our expenses on his salary alone without drawing from savings. Especially since a bulk of his salary comes in the form of a bonus at the end of the year and, thus, his paychecks are not that big.

The biggest issue here as you all have pointed out is why he would lie about this. you are all right and it just does not make sense. I guess counseling will be a good start but, honestly, I don't know if I can ever trust him. All of your input really means a lot to me.

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Posted by Confused

Ladies thank you so much for your advice and support it is really really helpful.

I am making him show me all of the statements from our various accounts, bills, his paychecks, cc bill etc so I can piece this together and make sure that he is not lying.

The thing is, now that I stop and think about it - I may have been foolish to think that we could support our lifestyle and all of our expenses on his salary alone without drawing from savings. Especially since a bulk of his salary comes in the form of a bonus at the end of the year and, thus, his paychecks are not that big.

The biggest issue here as you all have pointed out is why he would lie about this. you are all right and it just does not make sense. I guess counseling will be a good start but, honestly, I don't know if I can ever trust him. All of your input really means a lot to me.

Message edited 1/29/2006 6:52:48 PM.

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this...losing trust is a hard one to get over.

I think you shouldn't threaten divorce unless you really want one. Remember that people can get over a lot of issues in a marriage (gambling, affairs, etc). If everything checks out, then I agree with everyone else - take control of the finances & separate your accounts. Mainly because he's shown that he can't be trusted or trust himself with money. You need to protect your assets in the event he can't.

Good luck with everything!

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

I just read this for the first tme now, sorry u are going through this. Like the other ladies, I also agree that you should find out exactly where this $ went to. I would be so ****** if I found that my DH took out 10k without me knowing...I would be ****** if he took 1k without me knowing. I can see if he used it for household stuff but that is alot of household stuff. Were u aware of any of these household changes? Like others mentioned, square away your $ vs him before you are taken under together. I dont want to say if divorce is right or not but until this I assume you were happy. That really sux bc that would so chang my impression of someone as well. i think with time it will get better as does everything. You can seek counseling like you said but I also think time will heal your pain, not so much the explanation of why. Good Luck to You!

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Trust must be earned. You can have trust again, it just takes time and patience. You married your DH for a reason. I think that is worth working for. If all else fails and nothing can restore the trust that you once had, then and only then should you consider divorce.

Divorce is a big step - it should not be gone into without very careful thought and consideration.

I am not trying to seem like the biggest expert, but with all that Brian and I have been through, everything can be worked out if both couples love enough to do so.

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Trust is a major thing for me.. and a MAJOR part of marriage...

Truthfully...ask yourself if you will indeed be able to trust him again... if not... then maybe you should seperate...

My mom and dad, have issues... my dad did somethings... and lost all my moms trust.... (years ago) UNTIL THIS DAY... she dosent trust him....they fight all the time, and although they'be been through counseling several times, and they have there "good days" my mom always goes back to the past.... She just dosent trust him...This lead to MAJOR depression issues for my mom...

This is not to say it happens all the time.... but being w/ someone you dont trust leaves alot of opportunitites for your mind to mess with you, and really ruin your marriage...and or life!

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Posted by nov04libride


I'm torn; he definitely shouldn't have lied, but if you acted like you expected trips, etc., maybe he felt like he would really be letting you down if he didn't get you those things. This is no excuse, by any means, but I do think you should get a job yourself and try to help with the finances. I would also get more involved in your finances--I know exactly how much we net, and how much our mortgage and taxes are. We make decisions jointly regarding home improvements, how much to spend on vacations, etc., and while it is hard doing everything jointly, I like knowing exactly where our finances stand. I do think counseling helps...While we haven't been, I've counseled students, and I think airing all your concerns to him in a situation where you are both with a non-biased third party helps. Maybe even a religious figure, pastor, etc.? It sounds like his heart might be in the right place, but that's a ton of money unaccounted for, and why not trust that you could handle knowing your financial situation?

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Posted by Confused

Posted by nov04libride


I'm torn; he definitely shouldn't have lied, but if you acted like you expected trips, etc., maybe he felt like he would really be letting you down if he didn't get you those things. This is no excuse, by any means, but I do think you should get a job yourself and try to help with the finances. I would also get more involved in your finances--I know exactly how much we net, and how much our mortgage and taxes are. We make decisions jointly regarding home improvements, how much to spend on vacations, etc., and while it is hard doing everything jointly, I like knowing exactly where our finances stand. I do think counseling helps...While we haven't been, I've counseled students, and I think airing all your concerns to him in a situation where you are both with a non-biased third party helps. Maybe even a religious figure, pastor, etc.? It sounds like his heart might be in the right place, but that's a ton of money unaccounted for, and why not trust that you could handle knowing your financial situation?

Hey just so y'all don't think I'm a total deadbeat, lol, I did work, until just recently in fact, when i was working i was making a lot more than him and that is where the bulk of our savings came from.

thanks again for all your advice it is really so helpful in helping me decide what to do and in helping me to understand whether this is as serious as i think it is.

Message edited 1/29/2006 7:39:45 PM.

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Counseling immediately- I wouldn't throw out my marriage but I would if he refused to go.

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...

Thank you again for all of your advice, kind words and support.

I wanted to let you all know that I have gone through all the records and it appears that the money did not go anywhere but towards us. It appears that rather than it being one big thing or another that led to the $8500 (it turns out to be this rather than $10,000). It was more of a reflection that what was going out every month was more than what was coming in. Add to that extra expenses that came up as I mentioned, this is how we ended up as we did.

This my no means resolves the situation for me since I was pretty sure that the money was not being used for anything other than "us." It still comes down to a trust issue. First, that he kept me in the dark about our finances and Second, that he lied to me over and over when confronted and even got mad at me.

I don't know what to do still but do appreciate all you have said and plan to take your advice. I also want you to know that I do not take "divorce" lightly. But, for me, without trust a marriage is nothing and, I am really and seriously considering whether I can go forward.

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...UPDATED at the end of the thread.

good luck

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...UPDATED at the end of the thread.

I hope you find all the answers you are looking for and a Peaceful ending to this situation

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...UPDATED at the end of the thread.

Good luck!! I don't envy your position, but i'm sure that you will firgure out what is best for You!

Re: If your DH lied to you would you...UPDATED at the end of the thread.

IMO..yes trust is an issue

BUT imo ....the most important thing to figure out here is....WHY DID he lie?

WHY did he feel that he needed to lie to you about paying things that you both needed to pay for?

This should be your main concern...