Support

I think my support system would be better - more sympathetic and more encouraging if I were an alcoholic.

I am actually a self abuser.

I don't cut myself or binge and purge. But I don't take care of myself well. I eat poorly. I don't exercise regularly.

I get into a groove and I feel confident and happy and ready to go - and then I stumble. I ALWAYS stumble.

I can tell you the 'reasons' - the ones that make sense at the time but they are really just excuses in the end.

I'm a failure.

And everyone knows it.

If I even mention wanting to try a new plan I can SEE the eyerolls, I can HEAR the sighs. I have even had people say "Sure.. I'll believe it when I see it."

And it hurts. It makes me want to not even bother. I go into things excited - and then I feel cut down and disheartened before I even get going.

I told my husband that I was going to do WW. He just said "Why waste the money?".

He's not a bad guy or an intentionally hurtful guy. He's driven by reason and ration. He's seen me fail before. He's seen me start and stop. He doesn't love me any less - but he doesn't see the point of me throwing my time and money away on something else that he is certain will just fail.

And he's strong and smart and confident. And he works out and eats healthy and figures that if HE can make the effort (and it wasn't always easy for him) than ANYONE can do it.

Maybe part of him thinks that telling me I am going to fail will MAKE me succeed. Because that's worked in the past on other things.

But it won't work on this because my self confidence when it comes to my body is at such a low point... my self respect so bottomed out.. that just the slightest whisper of "you won't" or "you can't" is devastating. It feeds that demon in my head that says "You know he's right. Why are you bothering? Do you really want to be congratulated and praised for losing 10lbs... when you KNOW you are just going to gain it right back?"

But it isn't that easy for everyone. It's not that easy for me. I don't know why. I don't generally consider myself weak minded or weak willed. I am able to commit to things and have stuck to my commitments in the past with no problem.

But this? This has me stuck.

But I'm trying (again) - with Weight Watchers. And I say things like "Yeah... gonna try THIS one.." with my own sigh and raised eyebrow. My own resignation to defray the ones sure to come from others. I don't know why I bother telling anyone. I kind of want someone to just say "I know you can do this Jeannie. I believe in you. I'll help you if you need it. And if you screw up? That's okay too. It will happen. Sometimes it just takes more time..." That's what I'd say to someone like me. But no matter how many times I say it to myself - all I seem to focus on is that someone saying "You won't do this either." . What I hear over everything else is that unsaid "You are a failure. You will always be a failure."

Maybe I should stop torturing myself. Stop sharing. Stop saying it. Stop looking for approval or validation from those who will NEVER give it.

But I guess I really am a masochist.

And I don't know WHY I am writing this. I guess I am just venting. Putting it out there.

Maybe someone else is like me - and maybe they will be glad to know that they aren't alone.

Re: Support

I WAS like you. A year and a half ago, I could have written this post word for word. Still, to this day with everything I have accomplished...my DH admits that he didn't think I could stick it out this long. He thought it was just another waste of time and money like in the past.

So, don't share with him and anyone else who is saying these things. Get a new support system. You KNOW and I have told you...I can certainly be here to listen and I really really do know exactly how you feel.

I seriously think you are at the point where this is 'do or die' so to speak. You have reached your point of no turning back.

So, you stumble. We all stumble. The beauty of life is that you get to pick yourself back up again. What do you tell your kids when they try and don't succeed? Try harder. Actually, don't try...DO. Do your best. Start with one thing. Your meals. Then from there, go to your snacking. Small steps.

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Message edited 11/11/2008 11:29:28 AM.

Re: Support

Wow, first you need some I have been there, and as Steph says I too could've written this word for word - scary

On April 26, 2007 my DH and I went out with Kim and her DH for our "last" meal out before starting weight watchers - again. Kim was so psyched and excited for tomorrow as was I (I think ). My DH on the other hand said straight out that he didn't think I could do it. My own husband, the guy who should support me no matter what right? He said it for the same reason yours did...every Monday I was starting over again. Every week I was going back to weight watchers. Every week there was a different excuse. And it is SO hard - I know how hard it is. It was just a case of same shi*t different day and honestly, I don't blame him one bit for being a skeptic.

Even the very next day I was tested. At our first weight watchers meeting our leader asked us who thought that they could do this - who thought they would reach goal. Kim sitting next to me raised her hand but I didn't. I didn't *know* if I could simply because I never had. Now, I am 2.2 lbs away from goal and in the best shape of my life. I can run further and faster than I ever imagined. I am wearing smaller sizes than I ever thought I would. I have finally achieved a healthy lifestyle and you know what...it was ALL worth it.

Having said all that, although DH didn't think I could he has been so incredibly supportive throughout my journey and that has been tremendous for me. It sounds like since your DH is really into health and fitness he could really help you and support you.

Support is great! I have an amazing support team who I know I couldn't have done this without!!! As much as I love them and really treasure how *fun* they have made this for me, I realized something along the way. The only person that can do this is YOU. You can have all the support in the world but you need to get this done yourself. You need to change your mind and get rid of all that negative self-talk. Like Steph said, you are going to stumble. You may even feel like a complete failure at times...but one of my favorite quotes is "if you are not failing, you are not trying hard enough." Write down what you want to achieve and what you need to do to accomplish those goals.

You aren't alone. We all have faced these same struggles. Please feel free to FM me if you ever need an extra push. In the end, you need to do this for your health because without that you've got nothing. You only have one life to live, so get living!

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"I know you can do this Jeannie. I believe in you. I'll help you if you need it. And if you screw up? That's okay too. It will happen. Sometimes it just takes more time..."

I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS JEANNIE!!!!!

Sorry for yelling, just wanted to be the loudest cheerleader.

Well, I'm not 2 lbs from goal....but I can't wait to be. I still have a ways to go (40+lbs). ITA with all the other wise women who've already responded here.

Do this for YOU. Don't tell anyone, they don't need to know. Let them just notice you getting smaller. And they WILL notice You will have good days and you WILL have bad days and you know what....that's OK!!! You're human. You will make mistakes and then you will forgive yourself. And get right back up and start over. Life is all about risk and change. Allow yourself to be vulnerable TO yourself.

I know how hard getting rid of the negative self talk can be. I know how easy it would be for me to tell you to replace it with "I'm beautiful and gosh darnnit, people like me" But, that may not be realistic right away. Take your baby steps. Catch yourself in the midst of the negative self-talk and just STOP. Replace it with...."NO, I'm NOT going to do this to myself today". Sooner or later, you won't have to stop yourself, you'll just stop doing it. Then you can replace it with a positive thought.

Go get a pen and paper.....

write down 5 things that you REALLY like about yourself. Do this everyday, even if it's just one thing. Write down ONE thing that you did really well today, one thing that you really enjoyed. Keep a log. Break it out and remind yourself when you're having a low moment.

I believe in you. I'll help you if you need it.

Re: Support

Thank you. You guys are great.

I honestly wasn't looking for support from HERE.. I was just having a written pity party.

I do know the rules. And every time I tell someone "I joined WW" - I cringe inside thinking "I really should have kept that to myself." Each time I get some sort of snort, eye roll or sigh I try to think "That's okay - they'll eat that cynicism soon!".

But then - one mistake. One nibble of a brownie or one mini sized candy bar or an extra half scoop of pasta and I think "SEE! I KNEW YOU COULDN'T DO IT! THEY WERE RIGHT! AND YOU HAVE NO WILLPOWER." One little misstep and in walks the devil of self doubt ready to tell me what a loser I am and ready to tell me "Just eat the whole damn brownie! Why stop at one candy?" And I say "Yeah - you're right."

But.. maybe this will be different. I so want it to be. Once more I am putting my heart into it - but just like a lover who has been hurt too much - I am doing it with trepidation and anxiety.

I hope I can look back on this post in a year and smile.

I may need you guys in the interim.

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you're not a failure...you could do it!!! the support here is great

Re: Support

I want to come to your house and give you a huge hug right now. Every single success is preceeded by many, many, MANY failures as most of us on here who have struggled with weight and fitness can attest to.

You have to believe in yourself first and foremost. When you stumble, don't begin again the next day, begin again the very next minute. And expect you will stumble again because it happens to all of us.

It's not only about starting to work out and eat right. It's more about changing your own mindset and that is the absolute hardest thing to do, in my opinion.

You have to be your own support system first and then others will follow.

We are always here for you and will never roll our eyes or judge you.

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Posted by rojerono

Thank you. You guys are great.

I honestly wasn't looking for support from HERE.. I was just having a written pity party.

I do know the rules. And every time I tell someone "I joined WW" - I cringe inside thinking "I really should have kept that to myself." Each time I get some sort of snort, eye roll or sigh I try to think "That's okay - they'll eat that cynicism soon!".

But then - one mistake. One nibble of a brownie or one mini sized candy bar or an extra half scoop of pasta and I think "SEE! I KNEW YOU COULDN'T DO IT! THEY WERE RIGHT! AND YOU HAVE NO WILLPOWER." One little misstep and in walks the devil of self doubt ready to tell me what a loser I am and ready to tell me "Just eat the whole damn brownie! Why stop at one candy?" And I say "Yeah - you're right."

But.. maybe this will be different. I so want it to be. Once more I am putting my heart into it - but just like a lover who has been hurt too much - I am doing it with trepidation and anxiety.

I hope I can look back on this post in a year and smile.

I may need you guys in the interim.

Re: Support

You have all the support you need from yourself. Make up your mind that is what you want and do it. If you know you can that is all that matters.


I used to do the same thing saying this week I will start on Monday and I never did it. The problem was I was telling all these other people because I thought it was what they wanted to hear but I wasn't telling myself the truth. Eventually I kept it to myself and just decided that I was done being unhappy. I made small changes that made a huge difference such as cutting out soda and iced tea to start. After that I started working on other things: changing my eating habits and doing physical activity. I still have a way to go but I can tell you I feel great. I sleep better, I wake up not feeling exhausted and in general am just happier than I have been.

I also eat everything. If I want ice cream I have some. I have failed so many times before because I was on the lettuce and water diet. That is just a set up for failure. If you eat a cookie or two that is fine it doesn't make today a "bad day" or cancel out all the other good things you ate.

Lots of luck to you. The hardest part is always getting started. It's also important to remember that you didn't wake up all of sudden with pounds to lose they were slow to go on and will be slow to come off.

I found SparkPeople to be very helpful. Some things I never realized were so high in calories. It really opened my eyes to how unhealthy certain things are. It's free so that makes it even better.



Spark People

Re: Support

Your post was very honest and touches along a lot of things I feel as well.

I don't know how to get better at this, I want to have that kind of motivation, but I don't. It very demoralizing.

I agree with the others who mentioned a new support system...I'd be glad to be diet buddies with you. I think I am the type of person to need a buddy.

Re: Support

Screw everyone else - you only have to do it for yourself! Stop living in the past and start feeling the here and now...Relish what you are feeling...embrace it...put it on a shelf and move on.

As for slip ups (not failures...we all have them) SCHEDULE them. I used to schedule them for after my WW meeting (pizza, Macdonald's, Mexican - all within reason). There was always something to look forward to.

Support is essential, but it doesn't necessarily have to be who you think it should be. When I joined WW, I didn't tell my roommate at the time...but I went with 3 coworkers and we were all there for each other.

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Jeannie, I wish that my arms could stretch long enough to hug you from here.

I don't know if you'd believe me when I say that I too often feel like a failure when it comes to diet/taking care of myself. The instant that I 'mess up', I run with that failure.

It's not easy - the road is daunting - but if you let us, we will carry you and support you through.

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You have Fm

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So many of us have been where you are. I agree with so much of what everyone else said. Just wanted to give you plenty of !

Are you in Suffolk? Come to WW meetings with me and Azad. I feel like the support I get from my WW team is what keeps me going.

Message edited 11/12/2008 9:32:26 PM.

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Jeannie...I love you. and I am so angry at you for being so mean and hard on yourself!

the bomb is similar to Rob in the he just does it.

he's like a Nike commercial. he doesn't think about how much it sucks to get up and run 5 miles in the morning...he just gets up and goes.

i will lay there and talk myself OUT of going...or IN to going on a good day.

I used to say...i need to go X many times in one week and if I didn't, I'd get upset.

Now I try to look at EVERY DAY as a new opportunity to do something that will make me feel good about myself. something to lift me ABOVE that blaise attitude I have.

whether it be going for a run...going for a walk..OR even something as simple as NOT having that extra bit of food.

I don't deprive myself. I don't BERATE myself...which is so counterproductive it is ridiculous. I just let myself be.

I don't tell the bomb when I am "starting" to do something, b/c like you, they often times ring hollow. we just allow too many things to get in the way, and quite simply our husbands do not.

I am actually the heaviest now than I have been in YEARS. it's weird for me though b/c I don't feel as bad about myself as maybe I should but I have made FITNESS more my goal.

my perspective is now not STARTING or FAILING...but simply LIVING.

find something you enjoy...something you love...and DO IT.

even if it's just little Robbie and Nono chasing you around the back yard for 20 minutes...DO IT.

I think it's hard when you set yourself up for failure on two fronts (DIET and EXERCISE) start with ONE and get into a groove....then little by little, incorporate the other.

for me...I let exercise be my guide...and I find that the more I exercise, the better I want to treat my body....

this is long and long winded...but I just wanted to say that you are awesome in so many ways...you should be kinder to yourself. you deserve that.