Please help. Very Long & Personal

I'm posting annonymously because unfortunately I can't help but be embarrassed.

I'm going to try to make it shorter but here goes.
I've been married for a year and a half but we've known each other for approx. 8 years and we've been together for approx. 5 1/2 years. Anyhow, after marrying I learned that DH (in this case DUMB Husband) was masturbating while in the bathroom on a regular basis (almost everyday). This has done alot of damage to my self esteem because the first time I realized this was happening we had just finished having relations and he said he had "finished". Then I don't know what possessed me to peek in when he went to the bathroom afterwards and what do I see??? Needless to say I was hysterical and felt like I was not enough for him because it seemed that I was begging for it and we barely did it and now I find him taking care of himself . I confronted him when he came out of the bathroom and he said that he just didn't want to over exert me (I was pregnant) and although I didn't understand why he lied about being done I let it go.
Unfortuantely, I've since caught him a few more times and it really bothers me because I am a extremely sexual person and I will do almost anything to please my mate. I've told him numerous times that when he needs to be taken care of he doesn't have to say a word just come to me but he still seems to prefer his hand and he tries to be sneaky about it. At one point I told him I would try to be more accepting of it but only if he would be honest with me and tell me when he did it. I would test him and ask if he had just done it or when was the last time he had and he would lie to my face repeatedly.
Approximately 2-3 months ago I saw him doing it again so when he was out of the bathroom I nonchalantly asked him if he had just done it and he said "Noooo honey" I said are you sure "noooo honey I haven't done it in the longest" so then I told him that I was fed up with his lies and that the marriage was not going to work because I still can't understand how anyone could have their significant other in their bed yet pass by them and go to the bathroom to go at it alone instead. I'd never choose being by myself over being with a man! And I don't really mind the fact that he is doing this but I'd rather he did it with me not behind closed doors like he doesn't want me involved. So we had a big discussion and explained that if this was going to continue that I could not stick around because this is not normal behavior and that how would he explain to our baby when she grew up that mommy and daddy weren't together because daddy only liked to do things "solo". I asked him how long this had been going on and he told me it was something that he did since he was a teen so I tried to be more understanding and we came to an agreement that we would try again under the conditions that he would stop cold turkey because when I tried to be cool with it he wouldn't cooperate and this time I said it had to be all or nothing. So it was a deal and since then I have asked him a few times if he had done it and of course he says no.
Anyhow, last night I tried to spice things up a bit since I haven't gotten any in over 2 weeks and am about to explode. So I had him read a dirty story knowing that afterwards he'd want what I wanted. Well it worked but it was really late and he gets up at 5am so I told him that we would both take care of ourselves together this way I knew he'd "finish" soon. Ok we did and everything was great. This morning he gets up to get ready for work and I swear I'm friggin psychic I decided to peek in and what do ya know! He's at it again!!! If he had not finished last night then I guess I would've expected it but that is not the case.

What do I do? Do I leave him already since this doesn't seem to go away? It's killling me because my poor baby doesn't deserve to end up with parents that she needs a schedule for. I've already been divorced once (no children) and this time when I married it was for the right reasons and wanted it to be the normal family setting. But had I known he had this problem I would've never married him. I've tried getting him to agree to go to counseling or therapy alone or together but he says he doesn't need it.

What makes it even worse is that (not trying to be full of myself) I'm a really sexy girl. Sure I'm a lil heavier than I used to be due to having a baby recently but by all means I'm not a big girl. I'm still really hot. Anytime I go out I have men catcalling me all the time. I have some guys that I know that are just waiting for DH to screw up so that they can have a chance with me! My ex-husband tells me how much he wants me back on a regular basis. I've never cheated on DH nor have I ever denied him of anything. So now what? I can't continue to go without while he takes care of himself. I'm actually considering taking up one of the guys on my waiting list. Why is this happening to me? All my exes loooooved me. I'm a freak I'm a sex machine I'm the ideal woman for most men so why does the one I married prefer to be alone?

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Wow, what a tough situation to have to deal with. Maybe he has a problem, that somehow he is addicted to doing this. My best advice is probably go see a sex therapist and hopefully this can solve some of your problems. Good luck.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Actually, it is normal to masterbate. If he ejaculates with you, but also wants to masterbate, what is wrong with that.

It sounds like you both have issues- he may have issues wtih sex, and you may have issues with self esteem.
You both need to talk to someone- a marriage counselor about this...

I don't think giving him an ultimatum about masterbating is anywhere within the realms of what a wife can require of a husband. Whether single or married, we all have the right to pleasure ourselves if we want to and we shouldn't be (nor should your future children) be made to feel that it is bad.

With that said, you obviously want to have more sex... this is an important part of a marriage and a lot of couples of problems with this. Because of this, I really think you should both speak to someone. Quite often,, these sexual problems are a manifestation of a deeper problem, either individually or as a couple.

good luck!

Message edited 6/10/2005 4:33:42 PM.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Go get help. Soon.
If your spouse doesn't follow in your footsteps then at least you'll have the tools to know how to move forward.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

My DH tells me he does it purely as a stress reliever, isn't even thinking about sex. WHen I told him it bothered me, he now "includes" me whenever he wants to do this -- or when he wants to and I am awake (he leaves at 6:30am). I was at first insulted and yes, my self esteem was shot to hell...but then the way he explained it I became more understanding. I no longer get angry with him or take it personally so he is now more open about it. It would bother me however if he did this INSTEAD of being with me. SOmetimes we just include it in our lovemaking, which works for us.

I hope he can tell you what he really is getting out of it, and then maybe you can both come to an understanding. I know how you feel, and it is important for him to know and understand your feelings so he can be more honest with you.

I do think if you can't work it out together you should speak to a counselor - even if you go on your own - instead of involving another person. That is not fair to yourselves or the other person, no matter how badly they may want to be with you.


ETA -- Good LUck and

Message edited 6/10/2005 4:35:13 PM.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

go to therapy alone to start. That's first and foremost....take care of yourself.

Did he ever explain the need to do this everyday alone? It seems like a compulsion? Does he finish with you and then do it again alone? That seems like obsessive-compulsive behavior.

The fact that he is doing it in secret could mean that he is ashamed of it. It could be also that as a child he was made to feel dirty for doing it, therefore hiding and lying about it.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

I think you should go to therapy.

Also, why do you feel that you will need to explain your sex life, or you husband's masturbation frequency with your child?

eta: Unless your husband is skipping sex with you so that he can masturbate INSTEAD, then I think it's a normal thing for men to do.

Message edited 6/10/2005 5:04:20 PM.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

I don't necessarily feel that we would have discuss this with our child but more so if this destroys our marriage, eventually our child would want to know why we are not together anymore.

And yes he does skip lovemaking with me and pleasure himself instead.
One time I had mentioned it a couple of times earlier in the day that I wanted "some" and later that evening we were lying in bed and he said he was going to take a shower. He came out nice and refreshed. Too refreshed! And totally not interested in sex. Turns out the jerk took care of himself in the shower and here I am still in royal need. ***?

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Next time you catch him in the act, why don't you sneak in the bathroom and join in on the fun? It'll be a win-win situation! GL -- !

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

I have a question. Did this come about when you were PG and then continue or was it happening the entire time. I know people who when they were PG their DH's were affaird to sleep with them also i know people who were PG and found that they had no sex drive while being PG. I also have heard of people that after having a baby their DH had a psychological problem with having sex because of the whole birthing process. I know it is strange but talking to someone is a good idea at least that will help you feel a little more at ease and maybe give you some insight on why he does it. Best of luck.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

I too have heard of PG be the reason but he's been doing it from before my being PG I just actually found out while I was PG.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Your gonna get a divorce because your husband Masterbates? That doesnt sound like a reason or a real reason to me. Who cares. Why do you think its ok to "peek in on him" anyway? Thats not right.

Maybe since you are so "hot" and guys "want you" you want them too and this is an out for you?

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

FM

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

I do think you both need counceling! I wouldn't give up your marrage if this is the only reason you want to leave him. He needs to talk to someone and realize why he is doing this himself. He may not know and if he's been doing it for such a long time, it could be just a habbit now that he just can't control! How is your marriage all around? Are things great otherwise?

Good luck sweetie!

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Ok obviously you are misunderstanding why I wrote about my still being hot and knowing guys want me. Like I said I have never cheated on DH nor do I care to but I need our relationship to be somewhat normal. And him making me ask for sex almost every night and leave me wanting it for 2-3 weeks while he J**ks off almost everyday is not something I consider normal! Call me crazy???

The reason I wrote about how I look and that people want me is so you know it's not that his wife is ugly and he doesn't want to get near her. And because I was making the point of how I just don't understand how everyone else could be so interested and the person that I actually want to be interested and the one that actually matters seems to be the total opposite.

Also, I'm not upset because he masturbates I know it's normal and everyone does it. In fact I like it when we do it together. What is hurting me is the frequency and the manner in which he goes about masturbating.

I feel like I'm living with a teenage kid that just found how to work his member. But even a teenage kid would prefer to have the real thing if he could!

Message edited 6/11/2005 8:13:29 AM.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

I think you need professional help. I don't see why you would not actively puruse finding out more in therapy first. Your asking DH why he does it is not a guarantee that you are getting the correct answer. Maybe their is a problem that he is terrified to talk to you about. Maybe if you learned to accept that this is a part of his life and incorporate it into yours, he might be a bit happier.

If all your ex's love you so much, then maybe just leave DH and call one of them up. I wonder what problem they'd have that you would post about. And if you ever thought to tell your child that you and DH split up over Daddy jerking off, then you will look like a fool to your daughter when she understands what's going on. She'll wonder why Mommy didn't make something else up

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Did you ever ask him WHY he needs to do this?
And WHY so often?
Why HE would rather pleasure himself than be with you?

You seem very judgemental and that could make him become defensive and hide what is truly making him do this? Maybe you are intimidating him in bed as well as in conversations about this.

Maybe it is just "his thing". If so and this is what he WANTS to do. I don't see it as a major marraige crisis.

Even a teenager would rather be with a "hot" woman than solo!

either way...communication is KEY

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

What2Do....

I'm trying to be helpful here becasue there's always the possibility that you really are someone on these boards who I like...

So, here goes:

Is there a possibility that you are too controlling in your marriage? If so, that seems like a good reason why your DH would choose going solo than being with you.

And, I really think that you have crossed a line in telling your husband what to do with his own body. That's like him telling YOU that you aren't allowed to eat unless he's with you.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

I can understand your frustrations to some extent. Dh goes solo, LIKE ALL MEN!!!!!!!!!! What bothers me is that he...um...has some...ahem, help. Men like visuals. What annoys me is that I will come home from working all day to find the place a wreck, dishes in the sink, bed not made, clothes everywhere, but I know he had time to take care of the boys. It annoys me. But he is a man. Men masturbate. A lot! No matter how hot the wife, men do it. I have learned not to take it so personally because it is natural. Maybe he is afraid to hurt you. Maybe he is afraid of getting you pregnant so soon. Maybe he is afraid of waking the baby. Maybe he has anxiety issues. I don't know. What I do know is that you NEED to see someone, whether alone or together. Do not!!! go to the waiting list. If you think daddy going solo would be bad news for your daughter to hear, I think mommy going outside the home would be worse. Good luck!

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Being a guy and all.... I don't care what anyone says ALL GUYS MASTERBATE!!!! You should be happy he's only doing that. He could be cheating on you.

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal

Alright, I'll end it now..

Re: Please help. Very Long & Personal