need advice from you girls...

We recently learned through the family grapevine that DH's cousin was pg. I knew she was REALLY early in her pregnancy based on her EDD (July) and was hoping everything would be ok, but we just learned this week that they lost the baby.

She and DH aren't super close, and we only see her once a year - at christmas (the extended family spends a few days together at a relative's house).

1. I'm not sure whether we should say something. She didn't come out and tell us she was pg, or that she miscarried (we heard both from MIL) so I'm not sure she even knows we knew. On the other hand, she was telling family... I don't know if its better to err on the side of acknowledging it or not...

2. If we should say something, what do you recommend? I wouldn't want to say the wrong thing... I was thinking "I'm sorry for your loss" or something like that?

TYIA

Re: need advice from you girls...

I think it depends on the person, personally I hated when anybody brought it up, because I couldn't talk about it without getting very upset, but I'm an emotional type person. I think it's very sweet that you want to show her you care, but sometimes things are better left unsaid, especially during the holidays.

Of course if it were to be brought up, then yes I think you should tell her that your sorry for her loss.

Re: need advice from you girls...

wow tricky one....I'm not close to my cousin and a while back (way before I m/c) I sent a card saying how sorry I was. Maybe send a card?? In it say you are sorry for their loss and if she ever needs to talk you'd love to be there?? I don't know, I loved when other people reached out who knew what I was going through. It helped alot...

Re: need advice from you girls...

This is difficult...

I will tell you how I felt about the whole thing. DH and I didn't tell many people we were pregnant. I told a good friend that I also happen to work with and my parents. DH told someone he coaches with. That was it. After we m/c I felt better and I felt as though I healed when I told people what we were going through. I reached out to those who I had known to m/c and those that I just wanted to talk to. So for me, talking about it made it easier.

I don't know if this person is like or me, or doesn't want to talk about it at all. Maybe just send a card?

Re: need advice from you girls...

If she didn't tell you she was pg, then you shouldn't say a thing. She likely doesn't even know you were told.

I wanted to kill my mom when I found out she had broadcasted to the whole family (extended) that I was pg with #3 because I was spotting and thought it might not "take". Turns out I had a chemical and my mom had to send out a BIG ole mass email. AWKWARD.

It would make me really uncomfortable to talk about it or get a card from someone other than a close friend or immediate relative.

Re: need advice from you girls...

I wouldn't say anything or do anything, if you weren't told directly. If you are not close enough with the person to have heard from them directly, there is a reason. A MC is so personal. Even if you have the best intentions by send a card or saying something, it might not by recieved that way.

Re: need advice from you girls...

I agree that if she hadn't told you about it, I don't think I would say anything. She might be upset that you MIL told you about it at all.

Re: need advice from you girls...

if she didn't personally tell you, then I wouldn't say anything. I know with me, I didn't like anybody bringing it up who I wasn't "close" to. It's a very sensitive thing, so saying something during the Holidays could be hurtful, even though you have the best of intentions. If it IS brought up, however, then a heartfelt "I'm so sorry" can mean the world.

Re: need advice from you girls...

Thanks everyone. I won't bring it up and won't send a card, but if it comes up at Christmas I'll just say "I'm sorry for your loss."

I just wanted to make sure it wouldn't be hurtful to act like nothing happened and not acknowledge it.

thank you

Re: need advice from you girls...

Honestly, for me I felt it was awkward when people I didn't tell I was pg or mc'd came up to me and talked about it. It was hard enough dealing with it just between me and DH. I think if she wants to talk to you about she most definitely will bring it up to you.

If she does bring it up I would just say "I am so sorry for your loss". And listen for as long as she wants to talk. I felt like sometimes my friends were quick to change the subject when I would bring it up. But if she brings it up, that means she wants to talk.

I think its nice that you are concerned with how to broach this subject. I'm sure whatever happens you'll handle it fine.

Re: need advice from you girls...

I would not say anything. JMO

Re: need advice from you girls...

Re: need advice from you girls...

I wouldn't say a word.
There is a reason people don't announce their pregnancies that early on- because when something like this happens they may want their privacy.

I know that this is the reason I haven't told ANYONE yet.

I would just leave it alone unless she brings it up.

Re: need advice from you girls...

Posted by jps

Thanks everyone. I won't bring it up and won't send a card, but if it comes up at Christmas I'll just say "I'm sorry for your loss."

I just wanted to make sure it wouldn't be hurtful to act like nothing happened and not acknowledge it.

thank you