Frustration.

.... Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Message edited 2/7/2010 4:08:30 PM.

Re: Frustration.

yes, I can definately relate.

My SD is the same age as yours and we started going through this 2 and half years ago. She too was being trained by her low life mother that we were evil, etc. She didn't want to come to our house after a while, always had an attitude. My DH too was devastated but he started taking the attitude that if she didn't want to come see us - fine, it was her choice, I know that some people would disagree with that and I did too but he would always say why force her to come, then she would be miserable and make everyone else miserable. If she didn't want to spend holidays with the family, fine, but he would always say it was her choice and when she was ready and wanted to, then she would. Again, I didn't agree with his approach, but he said that he had to make the best of it b/c there was little he could do and felt that she would eventually come around.

I wanted to add that DH and I would make plans on the weekends anyway, whether she came or not, b/c he said he wasn't going to sit at home waiting for her to decide if she was coming or not, if she came great, but if not, we still did things.....so I guess he took the "life goes on approach"

Message edited 2/4/2010 9:03:08 AM.

Re: Frustration.

Message edited 2/8/2010 6:12:23 AM.

Re: Frustration.

Posted by TuttsyLow

As I read this I feel as though you are writing about me-I was a child of a messy divorce. The reason I chose to step away from the step family is because I felt the strain and tension and felt like such a burden to them. I felt that with me around and the conflict of my "low life" mother they would want to preserve their own family from the dysfunction of divorce. I felt ashamed and responsible whenever my father and stepmother fought about the situation.

I have no idea if your SD has any similar feelings but I know it is not easy for anyone involved.

Re: Frustration.

Re: Frustration.

I know it is so hard when they get older ......for us it was very hard in the beginning too and like your situation, BM is a horrible person, I could also tell you stories that you wouldn't believe, but unfortunately, we got used to it...even now, we see her on holidays and random days here and there but she doesn't come out on weekends anymore because of other activities and classes, plans w/friends, etc. DH does call her a few times a week, usually he gets to talk to her once a week.

But, people have told me that as they get even older, it will get better and the kids will better understand the importance of spending time with the family.

it will get better!

Message edited 2/4/2010 12:20:27 PM.

Re: Frustration.

I unfortuanately have been where you are and sadly it started when my DD was much younger and all because of the BM's influence...

I felt so incredibly sad for my DH and the hurt he had by basically getting rejected time and time again..Then when I had my own biological DC's, that feeling was intensified because in addition to the sympathy I was feeling, empathy kicked in

The way I have described it before is a father and his kids building sandcastles at low tide, only for the high tide (The BM) to come in and wash it all away.....Eventually everyone involved gets frusturated and stops building the castles...

Your DH probably feels that no matter what he does, it will be turned on him...

He forces her to come- He's bad
He doesn't make her come- He doesn't care enough to see her...

She is also at a really tough age in general where hanging out with the parents is un-cool

I always try not to lose light of the fact that before being step-children, they are regular old children...Some of their behavior is not totally related to the divided home situation, its just an age/indepedence thing...And since his time with her is so scant to begin with, its SUPER noticeable, kwim ?

At 15, I think that your DH can somewhat have a heart to heart with her, and just basically tell her that he has feelings and if she can just remember that...Let her know that she is always welcome and that you wish you could see her more often and unfortunately I think that is where it must remain...

Like with my SD, I can only hope that with age, comes maturity and the ability to foster a better relationship without the outside influences ( whether it be BM or friends)...In teh meanwhile , all you can do is be an ear to listen, because that is probably what your DH needs...

Good Luck

Message edited 2/4/2010 12:32:38 PM.

Re: Frustration.

Ugh.

I can't relate YET but this is a fear of ours as DD becomes a teenager. Not so much with the BM stuff, but wanting to spend time with her friends and not coming out to see us as much. I agree with Bops that a large part of it is "just that age" but that doesn't mean our step-children shouldn't be mindful of our and DH's feelings. We also believe in the "don't force" approach and expect that as she gets older and her life gets busier that we'll be seeing less of her, but we pray that she'll still come out frequently.

I know it's frustrating but it's part of the package that we agreed to when we signed onto this deal of being with a man who has DC. Fortunately, you can come here and vent to us!!

Re: Frustration.

Hey--crashing.

Very sorry to hear that you are going thru this right now.

But I think this is a mixture of her being part of a mixed family as well as just being a teenager.

My niece has had to shuffle back and forth between her mom and dad, since she was a little girl.

She is turning 18 in a week, and lemme tell you, a lot of it can be just from being a teenager and the amazing mood swings and attitude that come along with it. You've met her (on NYE) - and she's a great kid NOW, but she can still carry quite a type of attitude.

I know its hard to not take it personally -- but at her age, and with the influence of her mom, she is at a point where everything is supposed to be ABOUT HER. That's the teenage generation today.....entitlement!

Having to split her time between you guys and her mom in Jersey--when she probably would rather spend weekends with her friends talking about boys and going to the mall --- makes her angry and she doesn't appreciate the time she has with her dad and you. All she is seeing is "Ugh--they want me to go all the way to Long Island to visit for a weekend, for WHAT?! I'm gonna miss sooooo much not being around my friends all weekend. This s*cks! This is NOT fair..." and on and on.

She doesn't care that it hurts her dad or you, she is only concerned with what matters to HER right now. Chances are she won't appreciate the time she could be spending with you guys, until she's a little older.

My niece would give her dad soooo much nasty attitude when she had to visit him. The whole time she would go there, she would be sure to be on the phone the ENTIRE time, be it texting or calling her friends. Because hey, she might just miss drama or something big between Friday and Sunday! But now that she is older, she is starting to come around now. (Although still not as much as her dad would like, I'm sure--but that's a lot of his fault and a story for another day.)

This is a VERY tough phase that she will be going thru -- more so tough on you and DH than anything else. The key is to not push anything with her, because she will really play the victim and portray you both as the mean ones.

I know you both want to have her WANT to come around, but she just is going to be thinking about herself and how its "not fair" that she has to give up her valuable weekends (even if its just every other one) that SHOULD be with her friends, with you guys. It's not right this mentality, but it is what comes with this age.

Keep your expectations low right now, if she comes, she comes. If she doesn't, make plans of your own, don't wait around for her. I know it hurts, but you guys can't sit around hoping she wants to come out to see you.

I'm sure we'll chat more about this.

Message edited 2/4/2010 11:45:15 PM.

Re: Frustration.

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Message edited 2/7/2010 4:09:10 PM.