Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Hi ladies. I haven't been on in a while and I hope everyone is enjoying their Summer.

After being told by our third RE in the Spring that our only option was DE I decided that God must have another plan for us and to concentrate on the good things we have in our life. I was also extremely busy with an acquisition at work so I couldn't really think about what our next steps would be but that stress is calming down now too.

Anyway, I really can't give up the hope of being a Mom some day and I 'm looking for some advice on my options.

1. We have really great insurance under NYS Empire. It covers up to $50K per individual for infertility. I have done two IVF cycles that didn't even get to retrieval so we have plenty of benefit money left. Do I try Dr. B who is on LI, nowhere near we live, and I work in midtown Manhattan? I know he can work miracles and I fully expect him to also tell me that I cannot conceive with IVF, but should I take the chance?

2. Donor eggs: RMA quoted me an estimate of $30K for a single non-shared cycle. There is obviously no guarantee and they don't offer any refund if the cycle fails. Mentally and emotionally I think this would be the hardest on me, especially if it failed.

3. Adoption: I think adopting is wonderful and this is what I'm leaning towards. We have so many friends who have amazing adopted children who inspire me. We do get adoption expense assistance through my job and I expect the costs would run to the same as DE.

So, my question is, based on this brief information, what would you lean towards? We don't have 30K readily available, but we could get it. Cost used to be an issue for me but now I just want the results so badly. Oh, and I'm 42, DH is 44 so we can't really wait much longer before deciding.

Thanks for reading.

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Im sorry you are going through this. This is obviously a very personal decision.

If it were me & i was comfortable enough with the idea of adoption I would probably begin researching that option, from what i understand it is not exactly a fast process. Perhaps while you begin the legwork towards adoption you can meet with Dr. B & see what his thoughts are & attempt another cycle.

Best of Luck with whatever you decide

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Posted by InCogNito79

Im sorry you are going through this. This is obviously a very personal decision.

If it were me & i was comfortable enough with the idea of adoption I would probably begin researching that option, from what i understand it is not exactly a fast process. Perhaps while you begin the legwork towards adoption you can meet with Dr. B & see what his thoughts are & attempt another cycle.

Best of Luck with whatever you decide

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Posted by nraboni

Posted by InCogNito79

Im sorry you are going through this. This is obviously a very personal decision.

If it were me & i was comfortable enough with the idea of adoption I would probably begin researching that option, from what i understand it is not exactly a fast process. Perhaps while you begin the legwork towards adoption you can meet with Dr. B & see what his thoughts are & attempt another cycle.

Best of Luck with whatever you decide

I completely agree with this.

Message edited 7/30/2010 11:08:58 AM.

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

If it were me, I would first opt to max out my insurance $$$ before moving on to adoption or DE. You can adopt 3 years from now, IVF -not so much. I would always wonder what if. A biological child that I carry is my first choice so I would need to know that I exhausted all my options (financially and emotionally) before being comfortable moving on. Everyone’s needs and desires are different so obviously this is a very personal choice. Some women do not feel a desire to carry a child and would be just as happy jumping into parenting later on.

I met one woman recently who never even wanted to try IVF, she wanted to be a mother, period, and didn’t care where her child came from. She adopted and could not be happier. That was her first choice.

I go to Dr. B and get monitored a lot in the city, if you have questions, FM me anytime.

There is no wrong way to make your family. Good Luck,

P.S. A gf of mine is now pregant at 43, and she was given a 3% chance.(FSH) She went to RMA and was very happy there. Miracles DO happen.

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

This was a surprise for me, but there aer actually age limits on adopting too. Not sure what they are for each country.

Also, many adoption agencies will not let you adopt while pursing IVF.

Another surprise. They can't make it any harder right?

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Posted by InCogNito79

Im sorry you are going through this. This is obviously a very personal decision.

If it were me & i was comfortable enough with the idea of adoption I would probably begin researching that option, from what i understand it is not exactly a fast process. Perhaps while you begin the legwork towards adoption you can meet with Dr. B & see what his thoughts are & attempt another cycle.

Best of Luck with whatever you decide

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

I would see Dr. B and see if you have any immune problems etc... He looks for things other RE's don't look for. You never know.

DE single cycle is around $30k where ever you go. Which is why I did a shared cycle. It failed, I would not suggest a shared cycle to anyone. Success rates are not as good. Though the prices are. Of course not everyone fails. But, I would think 70-80% success rate with single cycle versus a little under 50% success for shared cycle. That is a huge difference.

If you are open to adoption, there's also something called donor embryo. Much cheaper than DE and Adoption. And you would get to experience being pregnant and giving birth (if that is what you want). I don't know the price. But, most of the donor embryo's are donated by couples who are done making their family. So, I cannot imaging it being much more than an FET. But, don't quote me on that.

Yeah, I love how everyone thinks adoption is a quick and easy solution. I've not looked into it too much (DH not on board with it). But, from what I have seen, it doesn't look quick or easy. If that is what you want to do then i would start the process ASAP. I'm scared that at the end of the day, when that is all we have left, we'll be too old to do it. I'm 42 like you.

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

If I were you I would max out your IF coverage and also start on the adoption process. I'm not sure if thats too much on your plate at once. My co-worker adopted and from start to finish it took about a year and that was on the better end with timing.

Since you have great IF coverage I wouldn't let that go so I would probably get a consult with either Cornell or Dr. B and take it from there. Good Luck

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Have you seen Dr. B? I would really try him. He and Dr. Kofinas (the perinatologist) he works with are really miracle workers.

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

I never went to Dr. B so I really cannot speak on that plus I do not know what RE's you have already seen and their reputations. But I have a friend that has a beautiful son as a result of donor eggs and an aunt that adopted a gorgeous son who is now 6 years old. From reading what you wrote, it seems to me that adoption might be the way that you want to go in your heart. There is a risk of it not working with donor eggs, it it just about how strongly you want to take that chance. Whatever way you decide, just want to wish you luck and much happiness on this next journey!

ETA: My Aunt was in her late 40's when she adopted and it was a US adoption. I also agree though that agencies want to be sure you are not doing IVF at the same time.

Message edited 7/31/2010 4:18:57 PM.

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Posted by InCogNito79

Im sorry you are going through this. This is obviously a very personal decision.

If it were me & i was comfortable enough with the idea of adoption I would probably begin researching that option, from what i understand it is not exactly a fast process. Perhaps while you begin the legwork towards adoption you can meet with Dr. B & see what his thoughts are & attempt another cycle.

Best of Luck with whatever you decide

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Thanks so much everyone. I am going to make an appointment for Dr. B tomorrow. I also spoke with my benefits department at work and they are going me a package on adoption.

I know that it's very personal choice, but I agree that I want to try for the miracle of a biological child. I appreciate all your advice.

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Good luck! We are in a similar (but somewhat opposite) situation, in that we have the choice between DS and adoption. I think adoption is the choice that ends up being discussed more openly in our society, but we are also leaning towards DS right now. It's nice to have "control" over at least have of the genetic composition and all of the prenatal period, which is so important for the health and well-being of your child. That said, there really is no single right answer. Each family is different and you have to do what feels best for you both emotionally, too.

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

You cannot pursue IVF and adoption at the same time- at least I don't know of an agency who will do that. But I am sure there are some out there. I would be considered about those. Age is an issue in some countries so you need to look into that.

Our close friends just had a successful DE cycle and she is due this winter. It was a long road to get there but it worked.

Adoption- most people know I have a son from Ethiopia. While I did not control the pregnancy or his first months of life I can say that he was loved. No pregnancy, no birth, no child is a guarantee of anything.
Jason had more tests than most children born in the US before he was allowed to be adopted.

Good Luck with your decision.

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)

Hi,
I just wanted to follow-up and say that I in no way intended to imply that I think using a donor is a better choice than adoption (or visa versa). I also realize that we never really have control over anything - maybe control isn't even the right word. I just wanted to share our decision making process at this point in case it's helpful. Again, I really believe that there is no single right answer and we each have to do whatever is right for our own families. Good luck and I hope I did not offend anyone!

Re: Looking for guidance - WWYD? (Sorry so long)